Thursday, August 24, 2006

Crash & Burn

H emailed today. He can’t go through with it, feels too guilty.

All that fun yesterday for nothing.

Go ahead and sock it to me. Yes, you told me so. Yes, I’m too trusting. Yes, I’m too vulnerable for this. No, you can’t beat me up worse than I already have.

So I had a good cry this afternoon, and tomorrow I have lunch with S, another CL guy that I kept putting on hold while I figured out if H was going to turn into anything. S is tall and handsome, olive skin, beautiful brown eyes and black hair with a lovely European accent.

Stay tuned for the next episode: “One door closes. Another one opens.”
“Watch Trueself bang her head on the doorjamb.”


Emily said...

Dear Trueself

I'm not sure that this episode says anything at all about you - whether about you being too vulnerable or trusting or anything else.

This outcome is about him. About his situation, his feelings, his wife, his life.

I guess the only thing that strikes me is that you seem kind of desperate to launch youself into a new arrangement. In the last few days, you've tested out J, H and now you're going for S.

Its as if you're afraid that a moment's reflection will make you lose your nerve. I don't think it will. Your impulse for another partner comes from deep and long term feelings and your personal history -its not going to suddenly vanish overnight.

Perhaps you should slow down a bit, and move a little more purposefully?

For one thing, a person who flings herself forward in this way is much, much more likely to make mistakes and fail to cover her tracks sufficiently.

You have a lot at stake here, and really no need to rush at things.

If it was me, I'd be trying to approach it slowly and purposefully as if I was dealing with a bomb with my child in the house, not rushing at it like I was running from a burning building.

BJ said...

Goood advice from emily. I couldn't say it any better.

trueself said...

Yeah, you are both right.

But, no, it isn't slowing me down.

Still trying to run from the burning building.

Still trying to find someone that will help me feel desirable and desired.

If I slow down, I'll have time to think, and thinking hurts. Don't want to think, don't want to hurt. Just want to feel better, whatever it takes. . .

Emily said...

You know, the fact that it hurts won't kill you. Sometimes the fear of the pain is worse than the pain itself.

Tonight, I burned my hand on the oven. It really, seriously hurt. I kept putting my hand in the cold water every time it started hurting again, even though I knew it would stop me getting used to the pain, make it harder to get to sleep later when I couldn't keep my hand in the water any more.

But after a few tries, I took my hand out, had a glass or two of wine, and laughed my arse off at a funny video.

I can hardly feel it now.

Just calm down. Deep breaths. Move slowly. It'll be okay, you know.

No need to feel desperate. No need to run around like a headless chook. Just calm down.

Pink said...

Something did not turn out the way you wanted. And maybe, it was for the best. Disappointments and setbacks can have a way of becoming positive turning points. When something does not work out, it makes room for other possibilities.
Be careful not to attach your sense of fulfillment too tightly to specific outcomes and circumstances. For there are far more possibilities than you have yet imagined.
Sometimes you aim too high and sometimes you aim too low. When you do, the resulting disappointments can help guide you toward where you truly want to be.
Whether the last few days have seen you move forward or fall back, new doors have most certainly been opened by whatever has happened. Choose now to focus on the most promising of your current options.
Go with the assumption that whatever happens is for the best. And you'll find a way to make it so.
-- Ralph Marston