Wednesday, August 16, 2006


Several commenters recently have used adjectives to describe me that I find interesting, and thought provoking, and I’m going to share my thoughts on some of them here.

IMMATURE – Yes, in some ways I would say that I am acting very immaturely. I am grabbing for what I want much the same way a toddler would. The difference being that I am mature enough to think through the possible consequences, to weigh the risks, and to consciously (if not conscientiously) make decisions regarding my actions.

MESSED UP – No arguments there. No doubt in my mind that I am messed up. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t change my mind about which direction to go every other breath. I actually think in some ways though that I’m getting better about that. I have finally pretty well chosen a path, and mostly I think commenters use the term “messed up” at this point not so much the way I think of it, but to reflect their disapproval of the path I’ve chosen.

CONFUSED – Kind of goes along with “messed up.” I think I am actually becoming less confused, clearer on the path that I am taking as I go along. Again, at this point I believe it reflects disapproval of the choices I’m making.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE – Could be. I’ve used the term myself in describing my behavior. I’m quite sure that there are heavy risks of the choices I’m making right now. While some seem to think that I want to be caught, that may have been true at a certain point, but it no longer is.

COWARD (okay not an adjective, but I’m addressing it anyway) – Am I? Probably. I’m trying to do things in such a way that I don’t have to make the hard decisions. I’m trying to do things in such a way that I keep the status quo while seeking out something more for me. Yes, I’m a coward. Too scared to upset the status quo, too scared to try to live life on my own, too scared to deal with the fallout from a divorce. Then again, maybe I’m caring more than coward. I do care about W and his feelings. If I didn’t I would just tell him that this is what I’m doing, you can’t stop me, and deal with it. Yes, that might be the honest thing to say to him, but it would hurt him. It would hurt him far more than my implementation of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy.

IMPULSIVE – I tend to be impulsive at times. But I think sometimes some of my actions that appear impulsive aren’t what I would call impulsive, in the sense that they aren’t things that just pop into my head and I do them without thought. Rather they are things that roll around in my head for weeks or months, to be analyzed, thought about, dwelled on, but never spoken. Then, at some point, I make a decision, and move forward quickly and decisively. To others that looks like an impulsive action because there was little external evidence beforehand. Maybe they aren’t as impulsive as they appear.

INTELLIGENT – No argument there. Always the dweeby smart one in the corner. What I have in book smarts, I more than make up for in a lack of common sense.

VULNERABLE – Probably. I’m pretty easy to hurt, probably not tough enough for a non-emotional, physical only relationship. And I will probably emotionally get hurt in all of this, somehow by someone. I’m not blind to it, but willing to accept the risk.

TRUSTING – Maybe more than I ought to be, although I will be heeding some advice I’ve received lately. I feel like H is trustworthy based on my very limited knowledge of him, but I did decide that I will not meet privately with him until I have at least some minimal information about him: his last name, a phone number, and his license plate number. And although I am fairly trusting, I will say that my intuition has warned me off of a couple of guys that I’ve contacted. While my intuition may be wrong, I tend to err on the side of caution, and even if I can’t put my finger on the problem, I end contact then and there.

DEFENSIVE – Okay, nobody has actually accused me of this one, but I know that I’m feeling it. I am feeling very defensive, even though I don’t know any of my critics other than through this anonymous cyber world, even though I didn’t expect the world to approve of my choices, even though I opened myself up for this critique by having this blog. But I write this for me, not for anyone else, so unlike a few that I’ve seen I won’t stop writing. I won’t stop putting my reality out here. I won’t block comments (except anonymous ones), but I may not always address them all either. Depends on my mood. And today I'm feeling defensive so comment freely today with the knowledge that I probably won't take you on.


Rosie said...

I find you interesting to read. And you are to be applauded for the courage to frankly assess yourself. Life is full of choices and you are thinking about the choices that would work for you.

Emily said...

You know, you may want to consider the possibility that I and maybe others are just a teensy bit jealous...

After all, am I off having lunch with a gorgeous potential lover, lost in erotic reverie? No, I spent a riveting day at work discussing industrial relations, followed by going over bill payments and cleaning the house *sigh*

trueself said...

Thanks, but I really don't think anybody ought to applaud me for anything these days.

You know, I hadn't thought of it that way, but you could be right. As nerve-wracking as it is (and truly, I'm finding that negotiating an affair IS nerve-wracking), it really isn't a bad way to spend a lunch hour -- discussing the kinds of erotic things you would like to do to each other.