Monday, August 14, 2006

Patience

Patience is not one of those virtues with which I have been blessed. No, when I want something, I want it, and I want it when I want it. I don't like to wait. I don't even like to wait 60 seconds to reheat a cup of coffee in the microwave. So clearly, being patient and waiting is not something that I do well.

Yet, right now that's all I can do in all cases. I must wait. I must exercise patience. I have no choice. Or I could just go stark raving mad, which I still might do. Haven't yet, but I still might.

I'm waiting for W to be ready to try those pills. He wants to, he tells me, but the time has to be right. He's afraid of wasting one of those expensive pills by taking one and having something interfere with us doing anything. Well, at least I understand better now why we're waiting.

I'm still waiting for J to love me the way I love him. That's not likely to ever happen so rather than straining my patience I really, really, really need to find a way to just get over him.

I'm waiting for H to contact me about getting together this week. He said he would. I'm trying to wait. I'm trying not to be pushy. I want him to decide that he wants this, or doesn't, in his own time.

I'm so tired of waiting.

Oh, and anyone who thinks I'm in a better position having three possible/sort of/maybe/okay/could be better relationships going is dead wrong. One really good relationship would trump this mess any day. And yes, I'm pretty sure it is mostly my fault that I don't have one really good relationship. I don't feel like a victim in any way. I'm doing this to myself, and am fully cognizant of it. Yet not willing to give it up. Still wanting to find the right combination to happiness. Still wanting the quick fix, the instant gratification. Still yearning for more, sooner, better. And not doing so well at waiting for it.

9 comments:

freebird said...

I keep starting comments to you then stopping mid-way because they sound like lectures!!! And I'm in no position to lecture, as you know. So I'll let you guess what I was going to say.
Really helpful, huh?

trueself said...

Maybe I need a good lecture. Feel free. Nobody knows how fucked up I am better than me, so I don't think there is anything you could say that would offend me.

aphron said...

I'm not sure your and W's situation (he isn't GWB is he?). It sounds like he needs to increase his physical activity. More excersise. He might feel better and might want to have sex.

My $0.02. I don't give change.

trueself said...

Aphron,
LOL! No, he is a far cry from GWB. And I'm certainly no Laura!

Yes, exercise might help. Then again, I think his health is worse than he ever lets on. He won't talk to me about it, shuts me out, so I'm pretty much in the dark.

Emily said...

I am wondering if he is not so much afraid of being interrupted after taking those pills, as afraid they won't work.

Perhaps he senses you moving away from him. Perhaps he senses that something is going on. And perhaps he is afraid that if he takes them and they don't work, it will push you even further away.

Just my 0.02!

Jaws said...

Maybe you should put more effort into one relationship instead of working on three, choose one for gods sake.

Mr. Husbland said...

Maybe you should grind them up and drug him. Then rape him. Men can have fantasy's about rape too, right?

Actually, I think this was an episode on Rescue Me.

I don't have any useful advice for you. I understand your frustration, and waiting on things doesn't help anything either. Hopefully it will be for the best.

trueself said...

Emily,
You may be on to something there. I will admit he probably feels quite a bit of pressure from me even though I try not to say too much about it.

Jaws,
Yeah, that's what I ought to do all right. A really good person would choose to work on the marriage and ditch the rest. A fuck up like me just keeps making things worse.

Mr. H,
LOL! Actually for the past few years I've felt that most of our sexual activities were akin to forcing myself on him. Got tired of forcing it, and just rarely do anymore. I'm tired, and I really just want one man (preferably not the creepy, psycho ones that I generally attract) to want me enough to chase me instead of the other way around.

freebird said...

OK, maybe I was going to say something akin to what Jaws said - only with less bite! ;-)