Thursday, April 27, 2006

An Interesting New Twist

W and I had lunch together today. He and I discussed our issues some more. It was an interesting discussion, held in hushed tones in a crowded restaurant, all about him not only not being able to physically perform but also that he just doesn't get turned on anymore and has no interest in it.

On the drive back to my office, W also told me that he thinks that I'm a perfectionist and am too hard on myself for just being human.
"Okay," I said, "but how does this play out in this situation? Am I to take it easy on myself for the 'impure thoughts' that I am having?"
His answer was yes.
"Yet if I were to ease on from thoughts to acts should I still be easy on myself because I'm only human?"
Hmmm. . . this made him think for a moment.
"So," I continued, "how do I stop it from moving from thoughts to acts? Although maybe you aren't the right one to ask because when you were about my age and having thoughts you moved right on to the acts."
He agreed with that.
I pressed forward. "When you look back on your 'impure acts' of the past, looking only at your personal feelings, do you think you would have been happier had you stopped before the thoughts became actions?"
W replied, "No, I have never regretted the things I did. No, I can honestly say I'm happy with the choices I made."
"And yet," I continued, "you wouldn't be so pleased if I made the move from thoughts to actions?"
There was a pause as he turned into the driveway at my office building. I forget exactly what he said next because it wasn't entirely clear to me what he meant, but I replied to him, "So, are you saying if you gotta do it, do it?"
"Yes, just don't tell me about it."

So, I guess we're adopting our own little "Don't ask, don't tell" policy.

I think Saturday just became a whole lot easier.


Stinkypaw said...

Trueself, reading this just now made me a little... I wouldn't say angry 'cause that's not it, it's more like this uneasy sensation that you finally got the approval you were fishing for. 'Cause, let's be honest here, you have been looking for a way to justify this affair you are planning to have with J., no? All along, deep down, you knew you wanted to jump the fence, except like most people you were afraid and maybe even coward a bit to, not really wanting to have to deal with the consequences of your actions. That's everybody's dilemma in today's society: we want to do things but don't really want to assume the consequences of our decisions/actions. I'm not one to judge, but I am one that try my hardest to "stand up", to have a spine! By that I mean I have more balls then a lot of men out there. I stand by what I believe in and when I'm faced with a decision, I try to make this decision as wisely as possible, then forget about it 'cause the moment of absolute certainty never arrives. I always said:"If you fuck up, fuck up good!" ...and I truly believe that! Like your husband said we are just human, and humans really do foul things up at times, some more than others, but one thing for sure we, and we alone have to live with the consequence of our actions.
If you want to "go for it", go! But then do NOT regret it! It was your choice, so YOU will have to assume it!

Reading your last entry, at times, I almost felt like you were on a vengeance path with your husband. I can understand you're pissed off at him for not being the "husband" that he should be and for not being physical, but from what you've wrote so far he did not cheat on you. He let you down, yes. He's not as affectionate as you'd like, yes. But if over 20 years you guys don't have anything good in common, beside the bed, than what the f... are you doing with him? Why are you still there? What are you getting out of this relationship? If nothing, but your kid, that's not a good enough reason to stay there, cut your losses and move on!

trueself said...

You're post hit me like a punch in the gut. But it is a punch much needed and deserved.

You are right. I pushed and pushed and pushed on W until I got the "permission" I was looking for. For about 10 minutes after that I was almost giddy with happiness. Then it struck me that this is not the "solution" to my problems. One of the biggest reasons it is not is that if I have an affair with J it is not going to be purely physical. He and I still love each other (or at least we still love the people we were 20 years ago). If this progresses it is not simply friends with benefits, it will be a true love affair. That still puts me in the dilemma of having to choose. If J and I still love each other after getting to know one another again, then I will have to choose either J or W. I know I can't have both in the long run. I also know that I can't even consider making that choice until I know how J & I feel about each other.

If the choice is between staying with W or leaving W and being on my own, I will stay with W. While we are having problems, we have a long history of a mostly loving relationship. I feel like I owe it to him to stay and take care of him as long as I don't have someone else to love me. (Yes, I know that sounds horrible and is horrible. I won't try to justify my selfishness.)

If the choice comes down to choosing to stay with W or leaving to have a relationship with J, I would have to say right now that I would choose J. If it turns out that J and I still love each other after we get to know each other again, then J is the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with. The hardest part of leaving W would be that I believe it would leave him devastated and would possibly be the thing that kills his will to live.

As I'm writing all this I am coming to the realization that I really don't love W anymore. I feel obligated to him and would like to see him happy and well cared for, but I really don't love him anymore. Wow. I need to go think about this for a while. Wow.