Ah, Love

Thoughts of love are right at the forefront as I anticipate BJ's arrival later today. It may be a while before we have another chance to be together once W and N move up here too. My freedom will be severely curtailed at that point. And yes, I know that some think I should just make the break from W. Some think I should stay with W and make the break from BJ. Some think I should stay with W and keep BJ on the side. The thing is none of these is a great option from one perspective or another. So for now, I'm just going to put my blinders on and enjoy the next three days with my lover. All the while with cheesy love songs like these running through my head.



You Take My Breath Away

Warning: This Post is So Sweet Diabetics Should Avoid It

Excerpts from today's email exchange:

TS:
Good morning! Just one more day! Just one! I’m so excited I could almost burst.

BJ:
Good morning!! That's right, one more day! I can't wait to be with you again.

TS:
. . .anything you’d like me to get when I go grocery shopping tonight?

BJ:
At the store: Samuel Adams Brown Ale or Boston Lager, wine, cheese & crackers for the picnic, and whatever else you want.

TS:
Thanks for the suggestions for the grocery list. I’ll definitely get stuff together for an awesome picnic. So many, many thoughts whirling in my head as to things we can do and places we can go while you’re here. . .

BJ:
Yes, I want to have your cooking again, and the picnic sounds good. Chocolate is good too for the list. Very sexual food. I have a whirlwind of thoughts about us too baby. Things I want to do with you.

TS:
Mmmmm, chocolate. Any preference as to form of chocolate? Should I bake brownies? Chocolate chip cookies? Buy chocolate ice cream? Chocolate candy? What kind of chocolate would you like darling man? Or should I just dip myself in chocolate and serve myself to you? Hmm?

BJ:
All of the above. ;-) Brownies, cookies, ice cream........and you dipped in chocolate too........oh yeah ;-)

Candy too.....peanut butter cups, hershey's, russell stover.......and you.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

TS:
{rolling eyes, but smiling}

BJ:
Grinning ear to ear devilishly..........

You can breathe a sigh of relief. He'll be on the road much of tomorrow so you won't have to live through more emails regurgitated here.

Day in the Life

Excerpts from yesterday's email exchange between BJ and me. Feel free to say "Awwww...." at the appropriate times.

TS:
Good morning darling. I hope you slept better than I did. I was awake from about 4:40 or so.

I wrote a blog post this morning that I had no intention of writing. However, after reading my horoscope this morning, it had such eerie connections to things going on that I just had to write about it, including some things you and I have been discussing recently. Now I really must get to work since I've got to get all my work done in three days this week since I have special plans later in the week!

BJ:
I read it already. I agree, your horoscope is very eerie to say the least. The 400# gorilla cannot be ignored forever.

You've got special plans? Cool. Sounds like it could get hot this week. ;-)

TS:
Wow, you're up and have read it already? My goodness. Hope the daily getting up for school drama wasn't the cause of you being up so soon.

Yes, I have special plans with a special someone. I'm sure it will be getting hot later this week. Sweaty too. ;-)

BJ:
"Hope the daily getting up for school drama wasn't the cause of you being up so soon."
Oh no, not at all......*rolls eyes and takes a deep disgusted sigh*

Hot and sweaty? Wow. Sounds like a very lucky guy. :)

TS:
I'm so sorry sweetie. I promise not to wake you in such a harsh way. My ways can be very, very gentle. . . and pleasing. . . or so I'm told.

He may be a lucky guy, but I'm the truly lucky one to have someone as wonderful as he is.

BJ:
Oh yeah I have heard that your ways in bed can be very arousing. God, something tells me that this guy is gonna rock your world. I just have that feeling, even from afar.

TS:
So you've heard good things about me, eh? Gotta tell ya' he and I rock each others' worlds every time we're together. I just can't get enough of him.

BJ:
Yeah, somedays he doesn't stop talking about you. Great things too. He can't get enough of you. I know that for a fact. But I can tell this is different for him. He feels totally unlike he's ever felt with a woman. He keeps telling me you are the one for him. And you know what? I believe him. You are so good for him. I can see it everyday.

But can you please get him to stop talking about all the weird things he'd love to do with you? I mean it's getting embarrasing. ;-) He needs to control himself. You must really have cast a spell on him. :)

TS:
Oh my, he doesn't stop talking about me, eh? Well, I'm at least glad he says good things about me. I can't get enough of him either. I do believe that he and I were meant to be together. We truly are soul mates.

Hey I can't get him to stop talking about all he'd love to do with me, and I wouldn't want to! He needs less control, not more. He needs to set himself free to enjoy life to the fullest! And so do I. And that spell that's been cast? That's called love.

BJ:
Yes, I believe you two are soul mates as well. He is head over heels in love with you. That is obvious to me. But you don't understand. Whenever he starts talking about all those things he wants to do to you he gets a very depraved look in his eyes. Very depraved. ;-)

TS:
Nothing wrong with a little good old fashioned depravity now, is there? ;-)

BJ:
Omg.......gasp........at first I thought you would be the one in trouble being the object of his depraved degrading desires but now I'm not so sure it's not he who has to be careful. ;-)

TS:
Ah, who knows what deep dark thoughts lurk in the hearts of women? He'll be lucky to leave here later this week with all his faculties intact if I allow him to leave at all. Maybe you ought to warn him. . .

BJ:
I certainly will. God help his soul. I think he's a goner. ;-)

Ain't we just too cute for words?

Sorry, getting a little sappy as BJ's visit draws closer.

Anybody Wanna Discuss That 400 Lb Gorilla?

Given events of this past weekend, today's horoscope seems particularly pertinent right now:

Something is just not the same as it was, and your worry is gnawing away at you. Your tendency to avoid change can be detrimental now, for you will be better off if you are willing to try something new. Fortunately, once you let go of your fear, this transition won't demand a lot of effort on your part. Continue to look forward to the future, but don't get caught up in the drama of the present moment.

Over the weekend, it was clear to me that something is just not the same as it was. There was a really weird vibe between W and me, the kind of vibe I have gotten before when there is something ominous he wants to discuss but is holding back. So yes, I would say my worry is gnawing away at me. I keep waiting to hear what it is that has the tension so high.

The only thing he said to me to give me any indication of what's going on was on Saturday morning when he said that he gets nervous every weekend when I come home to LOH because he anticipates that I will tell him it's all over. What a perfect opening, a perfect time to say you are right, it is, goodbye. But I didn't. I didn't say a word. I let the moment pass in awkward silence. Your tendency to avoid change can be detrimental now, for you will be better off if you are willing to try something new.

Fortunately, once you let go of your fear, this transition won't demand a lot of effort on your part. Wow, if I could really believe that, if I thought that if I let go of my fear of splitting with W that the transition wouldn't require herculean effort on my part to deal with the emotional fallout this would be so much easier. Interesting, too, is how often lately BJ and I have discussed how the fireworks of ending it all with our respective spouses would be short lived compared to the long term result of he and I being able to be together. Continue to look forward to the future, but don't get caught up in the drama of the present moment.

We've also discussed how we've not been as careful as we could be to not get caught. Either of our spouses at any time could look at the cell phone bills and see very quickly one number on each bill that appears almost daily sometimes several times in a day. Would this not spark some question in their minds? Have they already seen it and chosen to ignore it? Do they not want to know? And yes, I know, so far we've both taken the chicken shit way out of leaving "careless" clues so that we don't have to directly confront the issue. We've made it so that maybe, just maybe, our partners will put two and two together and be the ones to confront it. Maybe we are all, all four of us being the world champion avoiders by choosing to not address the 400 lb gorilla in the room. Your tendency to avoid change can be detrimental now, for you will be better off if you are willing to try something new.

Today's horoscope is going to echo through my head throughout the day and maybe longer. . .

Interesting Results

Well, for the last month the following poll appeared in my sidebar:

I must say that I am quite pleasantly surprised by the results. Now, of course, being the cynic that I am I'm pretty sure that not all the "yes" answers are genuine. I believe that it is easier to answer "yes" to an academic question than if I were standing in front of you expecting you to follow through on your answer. However, even if half the answerers wouldn't actually go through with it, I'm still left feeling quite desirable. Thank you dear readers for that little boost to my self-esteem.

Heard This on the Way Home Tonight

It reminded me, as if I needed reminding, of how much I miss BJ.

Far Away (Album Version)
Nickelback
Lyrics - All The Right Reasons :.


This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

Evolution

So the young woman went out into the world with a self-image of unworthiness, ugliness, that of being an outcast. She had picked on herself so much that she now believed all those things about her. After all, it seemed that everyone else saw her that way so why shouldn’t she?

It was this low self-image that contributed to her marrying who and when she did. She felt that she would be lucky if she could ever find even one man willing to love her enough to make her his wife, and that if she were to find one she darn well better snap him up. And she did.

Years went by. Years when she continued to fight to convince herself that she was anything but ugly and unworthy and, well, all the negative words I just don’t want to use anymore. Eventually, she succumbed to depression, and entered therapy, and fought the good fight. She battled the demons that haunted her life for years. She tried, oh how she tried, to beat back the negative self-image and accept herself for who she is, but a part of her held back. It felt too dangerous to let go of the self-deprecating humor, the putdowns of herself. It felt too dangerous to feel good about herself for surely there was always someone somewhere just waiting to shoot that painful barb towards her, that hurtful word that would knock her right back down to her rightful place in the gutter on the side of life’s road. Had this song, High School Never Ends, been around back then she would have thought of it as her anthem.

As time went on, this woman was able to see that more than others holding her back, SHE was holding herself back. She was convincing herself that she couldn’t do things, wasn’t worthy of things, wasn’t good enough. If she couldn’t love and appreciate herself then how could she ever expect others to do so? So she set forth on a quest to find that self-esteem that she’d lost so long ago.

She had no lightning bolt moment, no epiphany, no great turn around. No, instead she has started to evolve. It is a slow process. She isn’t there yet, but she is on her way. She still starts to say negative things about herself, but more and more often catches herself and stops. She still sees things with a critical eye, but she is working more and more at appreciating the positives in her life instead of dwelling on the negatives. She is working on framing statements and thoughts and actions in a positive way rather than negative. Instead of working on getting rid of low self-esteem, she is working on developing a healthy self-esteem. It is so similar a process but so very different too. She still battles the demons, but she finds they have less and less hold on her as she grows into a more confident, more resilient individual.

Well, clearly this isn’t the end of the story. The evolution continues. . .

Just a Quick Aside

Today's horoscope:

You are being drawn out of your comfort zone and there is no going back -- at least not for the next few weeks. You must adapt to the increased pace in the rhythm of your life, even if you would rather take it easy. Don't waste precious energy trying to slow down. Instead, be flexible and just go along for the ride with an open mind.

Aack.

Where I Come From

What is up with the whole putting-myself-down thing? Huh? Why on earth would I do that?

Let’s explore the roots. A young girl, an only child for the first five years of her life until the birth of her brother, can do no wrong in the eyes of her parents. She feels good about herself. She knows she is beautiful and wonderful because her parents tell her so. She is shy, but she basks in the praise of her parents and ventures with trepidation into the big bad world called school. In school, she suddenly learns that she is neither beautiful nor wonderful. She also learns she is very smart and learns very quickly.

Fat = Not beautiful = Not popular
Not coordinated, athletic, or socially adept = Not wonderful
Smart, quick learner = Nerd = Not wonderful or popular

Yes, those were the early lessons. They were reinforced over and over throughout her school years. Even her younger brother, who for some reason was a skinny, athletic kid who, though just as smart as she, chose to ignore it for the purposes of school, tended to put her down as fat and ugly. Maybe he did it just to go along with the crowd. Maybe he really held deep seated hatred for his sister. Who knows? Back to the topic though, she concluded that her parents had lied when they told her she was beautiful and wonderful, that they said those things only because they were her parents and were blind to what the rest of the world saw.

Several times, each time her family moved, she thought that things would be different in the next place, that somehow she could be different and could be accepted in a new environment with new people. She was wrong. Kids are cruel. Kids are particularly cruel to the new kid when they already have their cliques established and don’t want or need an interloper in their midst upsetting the delicate balance of social relations in the kid world. This just worsens through pre-adolescence and the teen years.

At some point she developed a defensive strategy. She found that if she picked on herself before someone else had the chance that it often deflected the picking by others. If she called herself fat and clumsy and laughed at herself others weren’t so inclined to do so. It kind of stole their thunder and made it seem as though she wouldn’t be hurt by their barbs. She claimed the words fat and nerd and geek and clutz and clumsy and loser and wacko and whatever else she could and used them often to describe herself.

Eventually it became less a strategy than a reality. She started to deep down believe those things about herself, convinced that they were true. She longed for people to answer her self-putdowns with kind words, with denials that she was any of those things, that she was beautiful and wonderful. She rarely got it, and when she did, she scoffed and rolled her eyes and wondered why they would lie to her. There seemed to be no escape for she had convinced herself so well that it seemed no amount of assurance was enough.

NEXT POST:
Turning point. . .

Tired

Boy am I tired this morning. Yesterday N was in a class musical. I don't have paid time off yet on the new job so I went into work early, skipped lunch, left around 2:00, drove 200 miles to have dinner with N and W and see N in his musical (in which he was, of course, absolutely wonderful), and turned around and drove 200 miles back.

I got home around 11:30, totally wired because I'd stopped for coffee when I started to get sleepy about halfway through the drive. Fortunately, BJ was online (he usually is late at night) and we chatted for a bit until I finally got sleepy around 1:00.

I don't think I'll be at my most productive today. That's okay though. A girl's gotta have her priorities, and in this girl's life N is my #1 priority.

Okay, off to shower and start the day. . .

Courage

As I start this post I’m not sure exactly where this is going. There are a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head, all related in some way, yet they can also tend to go off in diverse directions. I’ve toyed with these ideas for a while now, some for just a few days, some for weeks. So far a coherent and cohesive way of presenting these ideas has escaped me. Now I’m just going to throw them down in writing, and maybe somewhere along the way they’ll turn into something, maybe they’ll start to come together.

Where to begin? Courage

Main Entry: cour•age
Pronunciation: 'k&r-ij, 'k&-rij
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English corage, from Anglo-French curage, from quer, coer heart, from Latin cor
: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

This is a word I’ve seen attributed to me lately right here in the comments on this blog. My initial reaction is to scoff, to downplay, to downright disagree. However, I am finally (oh I know you’ve waited a long time for me to see this) seeing that I do have positive qualities and one of those is indeed courage. I often do not give myself enough credit for things that I do, particularly if I am comfortable doing them for then I shrug it off as no big deal. Then again I don’t give myself credit for doing the things with which I am uncomfortable either, telling myself I was lucky, or it was a fluke, or I’ll never be able to summon the courage to do it again. I am indeed my own worst critic. Well, to hell with that. It has come to my attention that whatever negatives there may be in my life, I have done things in my life that others would fear enough to avoid or at least dread so yes, I can rightfully claim courage as one of my attributes.

Examples of Courage:
• Well, y’all saw one right here on this blog. Yes it took courage to bare my fat butt to the world, even anonymously. I wavered before pushing the button to publish that post Even after it had been pushed, I debated deleting it. Instead I summoned the mental strength to withstand fear of negative comments and of offending my readers who are already few and far between.
• Did I ever tell you about the weekend I spent with 20+ other women I’d met only online and that this weekend holiday was held on the opposite coast from where I was living? Yes I did. I flew from the West Coast to the East Coast, rented a car at the airport, and drove to a beach house rented by a gaggle of women I only knew from a message board on the Internet. I had never spoken to any of them except through email and the message board. I went all by myself. Most of the others there knew at least one other person there in real life. I never wavered in my decision to go until I had made it all the way across the country and had driven almost to the house. I seriously considered not showing up and spending the weekend in a motel all by myself, but I didn’t. I pulled up in the driveway, walked in the front door and summoned the strength to persevere, to venture on into the unknown. I had a wonderful time, absolutely great.
• Now this one seems such a little thing to me, but I know people who will absolutely refuse to do it: eat out in a restaurant (and not the fast food kind either) all alone. I have always been comfortable going out to eat by myself and never felt the least bit self-conscious about it (one of few things about which I didn’t feel self-conscious) until someone pointed out to me how brave I was to eat out alone, how they couldn’t do it, blah, blah, blah. So I got a little self-conscious, for a while, but then I got over it pretty easily since it was never really one of my bugaboos to begin with. I went back to enjoying myself, eating out at my own pace, smiling and chatting politely with the waitress, and eavesdropping people watching.
• Strangely enough, but I understand not too uncommon for shy people, I actually enjoy public speaking. Oh sure my palms get sweaty and sometimes my knees shake a bit, but I have never shied away from public speaking. Well, actually that isn’t true. When I was in college I was required to take one public speaking class. I was not comfortable, and even at the end of the semester did not feel as though I could handle even the small amount of public speaking I might have to do in my chosen profession. So what did I do? Took a second public speaking class. Unlike many of my peers who were just glad to get out of that basic public speaking class, I signed up for the next level course in the same subject. Had that class not helped I very well may have signed up for yet another. I have become more comfortable speaking to groups because it is not like speaking one to one, no eye contact is required. I can simply look out over the crowd and focus on no one person. For me, the bigger the crowd the better. Just don't ask me to speak to half a dozen or less. That's when it gets too difficult. Oh wait. We're focusing on success here not failure. It's a challenge to get over that negative put-me-down mindset.

I guess all of this is just to say that I need to appreciate myself more, focus less on the things with which I struggle and celebrate my successes. So as odd as it feels, I’m going to give myself a big pat on the back regularly. Because really I’m a pretty neat person, someone worth getting a pat on the back. Go me! I am one courageous woman.

Well, interesting to me where this post went. It kind of took off down one particular path, and I didn't really address all that I was intending, but I like where it went. And there's always another post in the future to address the rest of my thoughts.

Just Wondering

Do you ever find yourself wondering about other people’s sex lives? I find that I do. Maybe it’s because of how sporadic mine is (but at least I have one now occasionally, unlike a year ago) that I dwell on it. Maybe it’s because of how many blogs I read by people with less than stellar sex lives. Maybe it’s because, gosh darn it, I’ve pretty much got a one track mind.

Whatever the reason, I find that I wonder about people and what their sex life is like. It might be a coworker. It might be an acquaintance. It might be the plumber coming in to fix the leaky pipes. It might be the woman sitting at the next table all alone at the restaurant. It might be, but not as often, someone I just pass by on the street. It doesn’t have to be someone to whom I’m attracted or repulsed or anything in between. It is more an academic question in my mind, a curiosity about how often, how satisfied, how faithful, how creative, how willing.

At the mall I see quite a few older couples who walk for exercise. When I see a couple walking together I often wonder do they still have sex? Enjoy it? Are they in synch with their level of desire? Have they had rocky times and come through it? Are they still in rocky times but just given up or given in?

I wonder about coworkers who are married with young children or older children or no children at all. What do they do behind closed doors? Are they happy about it? If they are unsatisfied are they seeking gratification elsewhere or sacrificing that part of life for love of their partner? Did they have sex last night, and if so, was it good? Was it what they wanted or did it leave them wanting? Did they try and get turned down. . . again? Did their partner try, yet again, and frustrate them with their demand for more than what they want to give?

Yes, I’m nosy. Oh yes I am. I would never walk up to any of these people and ask them any of the above questions, but I do wonder if they have blogs that I could read. Then I wonder if perhaps I already am. Perhaps every day I’m sitting and reading about the life of the woman down the street, the man across town or in the next cubicle. I’ll probably never know, and I don’t really think I want to know because if I found out that one of my favorite blogs was written by someone I knew well there might be just a bit of a discomfort in knowing the intimate kinds of things that I know. With BJ it’s different because we are intimate and know each other intimately anyway so reading each other’s blogs isn’t discomforting to me. As curious as I am, I’m just not sure I want to know that Joe in the next cubicle over begged his wife for oral last night and got turned down yet again. I’d rather just know about abstract people from the blogosphere that I don’t have to look in the eye on a regular basis. Maybe that’s why as much as I think there are bloggers I’d like to meet, I’m also hesitant about it too. Walking up and meeting someone about whom I know so many secrets and intimate details would feel just a bit, umm, weird. Particularly now that you all know what my nekkid butt looks like.

What's My Theological Worldview?

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavily by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 82% Emergent/Postmodern 71% Classical Liberal 61% Neo orthodox 50% Fundamentalist 39% Modern Liberal 36% Reformed Evangelical 32% Charismatic/Pentecostal 21% Roman Catholic 7% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

I must say that the above results are pretty accurate for me. I think I'm rather a unique blend of beliefs however. Unique enough that I still consider starting my own church based on my beliefs. Ha! Talk about narcissistic!

I'll Just Let This Speak for Itself

Welcome Trueself to the 21st Century

Following my Soundtrack of Life post, one of my commenters encouraged me to continue to introduce myself to new music since I seem to still be stuck in 1985. So I have been listening to the radio lately, and instead of the usual talk radio and NPR fare I've actually been listening to music radio. My new favorite band is Bowling for Soup.

I went on to introduce myself to some other music from the 21st century. I started with Pink because I'd been exposed to her music a small bit before. I really like this song:

Next, I had never even heard of The Fray, but I really liked this song when I heard it on the radio:

So what else, who else, should I be exploring musicwise? Any suggestions? Also should I get an Ipod? Will I be able to figure out how to use it if I do get one? Are there other brands that are as good or better than the Ipod? Anybody willing to stick their neck out with some advice? Cmon, there's
Nothing Left to Lose.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I've set up pretty much a duplicate Deepest Darkest Thoughts over at Wordpress. I'm debating moving over there although I'm pretty comfy here at Blogger. Go check it out at Wordpress and let me know what you think.

Just Blowing Off Steam

I really hate people who have a regular sex life.
I really do.
Or maybe it's just jealousy.

Possibly the Only HNT in Which I Will Ever Participate

Yes that is really me. Yes, I am really that fat. There is a picture from the front that goes with this one, but I highly doubt that I will be brave enough to publish it.

Goodness knows that my poll results would have come out very differently if I had published this photo before posting that sex poll in the sidebar.

Another Meme I Stole

Time to lighten the mood. I've given in to too many serious thoughts lately. I need a break.

1. Introduce yourself?
True Self, although my given name is a French derivative of my grandmothers' middle names.

2. It's Wednesday during the afternoon, where are you usually?
In my cubicle analyzing data and running reports.

3. What kind of laundry detergent do you use?
Tide, always have, always will.

4. What brand of shampoo is in your shower right now?
Umm, am I stupid that I have no idea? It's whatever my hairdresser talked me into buying.

5. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21?
I probably went to bars more before I was 21 than after. I settled down a lot after I grew up.

6. What were you doing last night?
Watching TV, and chatting with BJ.

7. Do you watch MTV anymore?
No, but I watched it on it's very first day. Do I get points for that?

8. What do you think about Oprah?
I think she is one of a minority of rich people who try really hard to help less fortunate people.

9. What color are your bedsheets?
Bottom sheet: Beige Top sheet: Blue w/Pink and White Butterflies
I suppose it doesn't say anything good about me that I don't have matching sheets.

10. You need a new pair of jeans..what store do you go first?
Catherine's because they almost always have some on sale.

12. What kind of car do you drive?
A little black funny looking SUV.

13. Honestly, is that car insured?
Well, of course it is. I'm a responsible citizen.

14. Do you like sushi?
Only the vegetarian kind.

15. Have you ever been to Tiffany & Co. or Saks 5th Ave?
Nope, and don't care to. I'm too much of a cheapskate.

16. Did your parents spoil you growing up?
In some ways, like not making me do chores and stuff. In other ways, they didn't like they were cheapskates like me so they rarely bought stuff for me.

17. Do you like roller coasters?
Nope.

18. What magazine(s) do you buy regularly or subscribed to?
Oh there are so many. Most notably I read Utne Reader, Readers Digest, Woman's Day, Ladies Home Journal, Newsweek, and Time.

19. Do you remember the WB show "Popular"?
I have never ever heard of that show.

20. When you go out do you prefer to go to a dance club or to a bar?
If those are the only two choices then I guess a bar.

21. What do you think about gay marriage?
I'm all for it. Why shouldn't they suffer like the rest of us?

22. Who do you think will be the next president?
Gracious, too soon to tell, but I suppose if I had to pick I would have to think it would be either Clinton or Giuliani although I find it hard to imagine the country under the direction of either of those people.

23. Are you registered to vote?
Yes

27. Do you like Carrie Underwood?
Who?

28. Been to "The Vegas"?
Many times.

29. How far away do you live from your parents?
200 miles.

30. Are you happy with your job?
Now that I've got the new one I am.

32. What did you get in the mail today?
Nothing, but then it's only 6:00 in the morning. Then again, I didn't get anything yesterday either.

33. How do you like your steak cooked?
As a vegetarian I wouldn't care for steak.

34. Britney Spears...ready to have a nervous break down or just having fun?
Don't know, don't care.

35. What do you usually order at Taco Bell?
7 Layer Burrito and Diet Pepsi

36. Have you ever sat all the way thru Gone With the Wind?
Many many times.

37. Have you ever been to Mt Rushmore?
Nope, but it's on my list of things I'd like to see in my lifetime.

38. Is it just me, or was The Marine(w/John Cena) a really horrible movie?
Never heard of it.

39. Are surveys like the the cocaine of myspace?
Meaning addictive? Probably.

40. Where is your favorite place?
In bed with BJ.

41. What is your favorite candle scent?
I don't care for candles.

42. Do you believe places can really be haunted?
Yes, I used to live in one when I was a teenager.

43. Do you smoke cigarettes?
No, and you shouldn't either.

44. Have you ever been to NYC or LA?
Yes, both. LA is better. No question, no argument.

45. How many states have you been to where all you saw was the airport?
Just one: Minnesota.

46. Do you think 50 questions is enough?
Oh yes, more than enough.

47. Are you currently planning a trip?
Yes, every weekend back to LOH.

48. Is Ryan Seacrest gay?
Who cares?

49. Do you take anti-depressants?
Yes, doesn't everyone?

50. Have you ever googled your name and found out something?
Nope, I always come up empty.

Weekend With W, Part II

Picking up where we last left off, Trueself and W were spending the weekend together in LNJ while N spent the weekend with Trueself's parents. After a rocky start, things improved on Saturday. What would Sunday bring, and how is Trueself feeling after all of this? Well, let's find out.

Sunday, the last day of the weekend, we slept in again although not as late as Saturday. Our original intention was to go to church, and we still had plenty of time even getting up when we did. We each had decided we didn't want to go but would go for the other person. Once we finally said this to each other we decided not to go. This whole process probably took about an hour whereas if either of us had just spoken up to begin with it would've taken two minutes. We went to breakfast (no I did not cook one single meal this weekend) and read the local paper and eavesdropped on the large table of senior citizens next to us who had obviously just come from church. We lingered over coffee after breakfast had been eaten. We finally made our way back to our new house to drop off all the stuff (well, except the washer and dryer which will be delivered later) we'd bought the day before. We hung out there for a while just kind of soaking it all in, taking in the ambience, revisiting furniture placement ideas, trying various keys in various locks and getting them matched up. About the time we were leaving to head back to my rental place, the cleaning lady I hired to scrub the place down before we move in showed up with her crew (her husband and daughter). We chatted a few minutes and then left.

W and I went back to my place and watched the Bulls move on in the playoffs. Just as the game was ending W's cell phone rang. The cleaning lady's husband had found a bad leak in the kitchen ceiling apparently from the upstairs bathroom. It had gone unnoticed before because it was dripping inside a cabinet onto the top shelf. It was, and is, a mess. We hurried back over there, found the water shutoff valve and shut off water to the house. By the time we got there, they had cleaned up the water from the shelf and put a pitcher under the hole in the ceiling to catch further drips. Thank goodness for the home warranty. The repairs will cost us only $100 no matter how bad the problem is. I thought to myself as we were dealing with all this that it's this kind of crap that makes me have to stay with W. He knows how to deal with stuff like this. He's the one that always deals with stuff like this. I'm the one that's always made him deal with stuff like this because it requires phone calls and meeting with plumbers (or whatever type worker is needed for the problem du jour) at the house and all manner of things that make shy introverted people want to go crawl in a hole and curl up in the fetal position until it's all over. So I was really really glad W was here and that he hadn't yet left for LOH. Once we got the plumbing crisis abated, it was time for W to leave. He hugged me and even kissed me on the lips (hadn't done that in a while). And away he drove, and I was alone once again except that he did call to get directions to my parents' house (yes, he's been there many many times before, but never coming from this direction which is different than from LOH).

So we got along pretty well this weekend. We didn't have too many arguments. We were as intimate (that one kiss on the lips) as we've been in months. I sense that he's trying. But what about me? I feel like the situation and the decisions facing me are every bit as complex as the following diagram (which has nothing whatsoever to do with my situation but is simply there to illustrate complexity):

So what now? Do I just keep letting life roll along carrying me on whatever waves of emotion are strongest at the moment? I dunno. I just don't know. I wish there was a way to just submit all the information and wait for the answer to appear, but something tells me that's not going to happen.