Evolution

So the young woman went out into the world with a self-image of unworthiness, ugliness, that of being an outcast. She had picked on herself so much that she now believed all those things about her. After all, it seemed that everyone else saw her that way so why shouldn’t she?

It was this low self-image that contributed to her marrying who and when she did. She felt that she would be lucky if she could ever find even one man willing to love her enough to make her his wife, and that if she were to find one she darn well better snap him up. And she did.

Years went by. Years when she continued to fight to convince herself that she was anything but ugly and unworthy and, well, all the negative words I just don’t want to use anymore. Eventually, she succumbed to depression, and entered therapy, and fought the good fight. She battled the demons that haunted her life for years. She tried, oh how she tried, to beat back the negative self-image and accept herself for who she is, but a part of her held back. It felt too dangerous to let go of the self-deprecating humor, the putdowns of herself. It felt too dangerous to feel good about herself for surely there was always someone somewhere just waiting to shoot that painful barb towards her, that hurtful word that would knock her right back down to her rightful place in the gutter on the side of life’s road. Had this song, High School Never Ends, been around back then she would have thought of it as her anthem.

As time went on, this woman was able to see that more than others holding her back, SHE was holding herself back. She was convincing herself that she couldn’t do things, wasn’t worthy of things, wasn’t good enough. If she couldn’t love and appreciate herself then how could she ever expect others to do so? So she set forth on a quest to find that self-esteem that she’d lost so long ago.

She had no lightning bolt moment, no epiphany, no great turn around. No, instead she has started to evolve. It is a slow process. She isn’t there yet, but she is on her way. She still starts to say negative things about herself, but more and more often catches herself and stops. She still sees things with a critical eye, but she is working more and more at appreciating the positives in her life instead of dwelling on the negatives. She is working on framing statements and thoughts and actions in a positive way rather than negative. Instead of working on getting rid of low self-esteem, she is working on developing a healthy self-esteem. It is so similar a process but so very different too. She still battles the demons, but she finds they have less and less hold on her as she grows into a more confident, more resilient individual.

Well, clearly this isn’t the end of the story. The evolution continues. . .