TGIF

I can hardly remember when I've been happier to have Friday arrive. W and N will go to LOH today. Unfortunately, I'm going too. Fortunately, I'm going separately, in my own car which means there will be peace, quiet, thoughtful contemplation. There will be three hours of freedom. Ahhhh. . . Not to mention I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Ahhhh. . .

But truly all I can think right now is:

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!

How Am I Doing?

See this post from Sunday.

It says it all. . .

Saturday in the Park

This is my latest earworm. It is firmly implanted in my head, and I can't shake it. I have no idea what put it there. I have no memory of hearing it recently anywhere, but there it is playing over and over in my head.

Maybe I'm just trying to distract myself from the hell that is the reality of having W and N here for the week, and no my dreams aren't coming true. They are staying right up through Friday. Oh joy.

Interview Me

Finished Last shared a meme recently where he agreed to be interviewed and posted his answers then asked for others to come forward to subject themselves to the same treatment. Well, I’m just narcissistic enough to know that he wanted me to ask to be interviewed so I did.

So here are FL’s questions with my answers:

1. Who would you consider to be your role model? I would say my biggest role model has been my mother. The reason I answer that way is not because I consider her to be an excellent role model. It’s just that I think she has had the most influence in the direction of my life.

2. What is something you have done that you once swore you would never do? Have an affair. I never ever dreamed I would go behind my husband’s back to have an affair at the time we got married, and for most of the marriage I never did. Then life fell apart and I did something that I considered unthinkable yet inevitable in some way.

3. When was a time that you laughed so hard you though you might get sick? There have been lots of moments like that in my lifetime. Sometimes I get the giggles at the most inopportune, perhaps even inappropriate, times. Often it is something that someone says or does that I might normally chuckle over, but due to some weird crosswaves in the cranium I just lose control. Best example: the first time I saw tumbleweeds. I laughed all the way across the Texas panhandle. And you know what? I’m not really sure what the hell was so funny about those tumbleweeds, but I found them completely hilarious that day.

4. What is something you do when you feel like being indulgent? Chide myself for feeling that way. Then go out and eat a Love It size of some chocolaty mess at Cold Stone Creamery. Then feel guilty for indulging.

5. What is something that people wrongly assume about you? That I’m stuck up and look down on them. In fact, it is the exact opposite. I’m incredibly shy, with low self-esteem (not that anyone would be able to tell that from my blog, ha ha), and if I don’t speak it is for those reasons not that I think others are beneath me. Actually, I think I am beneath them, or at least I assume that they will think so.

Thanks FL. Good questions. Did you learn anything new about me?

Alrighty, anyone else game?

The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! You WILL update your journal/bloggy thing/whatever with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Lordy Lordy

I'm dyin' here. Just shoot me now and get it over with.

Aaarrrggghhh...

Help me. . . help me. . . help me. . .

Jumpy as a

• Bubble on a hot stove
• Cat two miles from a dirt pile
• Whore in church
• Cat on a hot tin roof

Why? Simply because W and N are arriving in LNJ today -- for a whole week. Bleah.

I know. I know. This should be good news. I should miss them when I'm away from them. Sadly that isn't the case. I am quite enjoying my freedom. For the next week, it is back to the structure of family life.

Maybe they'll dislike being here, cooped up in a tiny one room efficiency, and go home early.

Well, a girl can hope, can't she?

Next Week

I'm looking forward to, and dreading, next week.

Next week, N is on spring break (and when did grade schoolers start getting spring break? I didn't get spring break until college. No, there were not dinosaurs roaming the campus.) so instead of me going to LOH for this weekend N and W are coming to LNJ. But they aren't coming for the weekend. Oh no. They are coming for the entirety of spring break.

Of course, I am thrilled to have a week with N, to spend time with him and help him get used to his new hometown. I am not so thrilled that my space, MY SPACE, is being invaded. My sanctuary, my little cocoon, perfectly sized for one, is to be inhabited by three of us for a week. What a disruption this will be. I'm adjusting my mindset though to try to see all the positives of them being here. I keep telling myself that this will be a good thing. It will. Maybe it will help me see how I can reconcile with W. Maybe it will help me see that I can't possibly reconcile with W. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

What am I waiting for? Why can't I choose an action and stick to it? Why indeed? I think I'm starting to face the truth of the reason. I'm trying to hide from reality. I'm trying to maintain status quo to avoid pain. I want to avoid the pain associated with splitting up with W. I also want to avoid the pain of giving up BJ. I am trying to postpone the pain for as long as I can. As long as I can juggle two separate lives I'm avoiding certain pain because either decision, either course of action, will result in pain. I am also coming to realize that when it comes right down to it, it isn't only pain but shame and guilt I am trying to avoid. To do the thing I want to do would bring not only pain but shame and guilt in addition. To do the thing I don't want to do brings only pain, probably much greater pain, but keeps me from having the shame and guilt. I could hold my head high, feeling that I fought the battle and came through it in a respectable way. So I'm really trying to avoid the shame and the guilt, because the pain is inevitable. There will be pain, mine and others. Can I bear the shame and guilt of taking the path that I so desire? Can I bear the pain if I don't take the path I desire?

Sorry this post took a turn that I didn't expect here. I was talking about next week. Yes, next week. Don't expect me to be much in the blogosphere next week. I have to devote the time to my family.

Probably

You Can Change Your Life, But It Won't Be Easy

You really, truly want to change. You're just not sure that you can do it. You need a solid plan, supportive friends, and a strong will. Think about times you've made hard changes, and what you did to get through them. A change is in your future - you just need a little help getting started.

Can You Change Your Life?

Spring

Yay! It's Spring! Best time of the year. Flowers. Warmer weather. My birthday in a month or so. (BTW, nobody has sent either of these yet, so feel free to send me one or the other. I'll send you a really nice thank you note.)

Spring. Rebirth. New beginnings. Coming out of winter hibernation.

Yay! It's Spring!

Hmm, today's horoscope:

You may feel as if crucial information has been kept from you, but now anything that was hidden may come to the surface. New truths are adding depth to your changing perspective, thereby allowing you to decide what you want. Let your heart's desire lead you gently into your future.

Hmm. . .

What I Learned This Weekend

This is a long post, and one based in my religious beliefs (yes, even sinners like me can have religious beliefs), so if that isn't your cup of tea move on. I'm sure I'll post something more interesting on another day.
Our pastor opened her sermon yesterday with this story:

In the darkest part of the night, a ship's captain cautiously piloted his warship through the fog-shrouded waters. With straining eyes he scanned the hazy darkness, searching for dangers lurking just out of sight. His worst fears were realized when he saw a bright light straight ahead. It appeared to be a vessel on a collision course with his ship. To avert disaster he quickly radioed the oncoming vessel. "This is Captain Jeremiah Smith," his voiced crackled over the radio. "Please alter your course ten degrees south! Over."

To the captain's amazement, the foggy image did not move. Instead, he heard back on the radio, "Captain Smith. This is Private Thomas Johnson. Please alter your course ten degrees north! Over."

Appalled at the audacity of the message, the captain shouted back over the radio, "Private Johnson, this is Captain Smith, and I order you to immediately alter your course ten degrees south! Over."

A second time the oncoming light did not budge. "With all due respect, Captain Smith," came the private's voice again, "I order you to alter your course immediately ten degrees north! Over." Angered and frustrated that this impudent sailor would endanger the lives of his men and crew, the captain growled back over the radio, "Private Johnson. I can have you court-martialed for this! For the last time, I command you on the authority of the United States government to alter your course ten degrees to the south! I am a battleship!"

The private's final transmission was chilling: "Captain Smith, sir. Once again with all due respect, I command you to alter your course ten degrees to the north! I am a lighthouse!"

Our pastor then preached from the Gospel of John, Chapter 9, an excerpt of which I include below:

13 They brought to the Pharisees the man who had formerly been blind. 14 Now it was a sabbath day when Jesus made the clay and opened his eyes. 15 The Pharisees again asked him how he had received his sight. And he said to them, "He put clay on my eyes, and I washed, and I see." 16 Some of the Pharisees said, "This man is not from God, for he does not keep the sabbath." But others said, "How can a man who is a sinner do such signs?" There was a division among them. 17 So they again said to the blind man, "What do you say about him, since he has opened your eyes?" He said, "He is a prophet."
18 The Jews did not believe that he had been blind and had received his sight, until they called the parents of the man who had received his sight, 19 and asked them, "Is this your son, who you say was born blind? How then does he now see?" 20 His parents answered, "We know that this is our son, and that he was born blind; 21 but how he now sees we do not know, nor do we know who opened his eyes. Ask him; he is of age, he will speak for himself." 22 His parents said this because they feared the Jews, for the Jews had already agreed that if any one should confess him to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue. 23 Therefore his parents said, "He is of age, ask him."
24 So for the second time they called the man who had been blind, and said to him, "Give God the praise; we know that this man is a sinner." 25 He answered, "Whether he is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I know, that though I was blind, now I see." 26 They said to him, "What did he do to you? How did he open your eyes?" 27 He answered them, "I have told you already, and you would not listen. Why do you want to hear it again? Do you too want to become his disciples?" 28 And they reviled him, saying, "You are his disciple, but we are disciples of Moses. 29 We know that God has spoken to Moses, but as for this man, we do not know where he comes from." 30 The man answered, "Why, this is a marvel! You do not know where he comes from, and yet he opened my eyes. 31 We know that God does not listen to sinners, but if any one is a worshiper of God and does his will, God listens to him. 32 Never since the world began has it been heard that any one opened the eyes of a man born blind. 33 If this man were not from God, he could do nothing." 34 They answered him, "You were born in utter sin, and would you teach us?" And they cast him out.
35 Jesus heard that they had cast him out, and having found him he said, "Do you believe in the Son of man?" 36 He answered, "And who is he, sir, that I may believe in him?" 37 Jesus said to him, "You have seen him, and it is he who speaks to you." 38 He said, "Lord, I believe"; and he worshiped him. 39 Jesus said, "For judgment I came into this world, that those who do not see may see, and that those who see may become blind." 40 Some of the Pharisees near him heard this, and they said to him, "Are we also blind?" 41 Jesus said to them, "If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, `We see,' your guilt remains.

She wrapped up her sermon with a passage from Ephesians 5:

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord.

So what? What does it mean to me? What lessons can I learn from any of this that apply to my life? Here's what I took from it, and am still pondering:

1) Often we are so busy looking at the world from our narrow point of view we don't see the bigger picture. We insist that we are right as we head perilously close to the shore, ignoring even the possibility that the light we see is there to warn us, and is there for our protection. I know I tend to look at the world through my narrow straw. I see no good path for myself. Perhaps I am not looking at it through the right perspective. Perhaps I need to step back and try to see the bigger picture.

2) Like the Pharisees, we often get caught up in looking at the rules to the exclusion of struggling with challenging the status quo. If it threatens our comfort zone, we like to turn to order and rules and turning our back on "radical" ideas that challenge us. For instance, I have a hard time seeing divorce as anything but an unforgivable sin, one that would bring shame on me and my family. Perhaps I need to reexamine this viewpoint and prayerfully and thoughtfully search for the answer to whether there are times when the vows taken are so damaged that a divorce would not be a bad thing. I think most would agree that nobody should suffer physical violence in a marriage, and few would argue that a battered wife should stay in her marriage no matter what. But what I need to seek answers to is when does it become too much. When is the marriage so damaged as to be unsalvagable? Or am I just looking for a way to asuage my guilt. That is why I need to prayerfully consider this and look for His guidance in the matter.

3) The concepts of goodness, righteousness and truth as guides for our actions plays into the considerations I must make. I certainly have not been truthful in a long time with a lot of people, nor has goodness or righteousness played into my thoughts and deeds in any significant way yet has always hovered close by leaving me guiltridden over many things.

I made myself a commitment today. I committed to myself that I will spend time daily in prayer specifically over my relationships situation for at least a week. I will try to hold myself open to receiving God's guidance even if it isn't leading me on the course I prefer.

One of the first issues I want to pray about is an analogy that popped into my head yesterday on my drive from LOH to LNJ (I often find drive time to be good thinking time). I thought of the pregnant Catholic teen who claims she cannot have an abortion because it would be a sin. When asked if she used any form of contraception she answers that of course not as that would be a sin. What always strikes me about the situation is that sex outside of marriage would also be a sin in her religion, but that point never seems to come up. Similarly, if divorcing W is a sin so I tell myself I can't do that then why do I find ways to justify committing adultery which is also a sin? Am I better person by committing adultery than by divorcing? No, of course not! Does my faith require me to sacrifice the next several years of my life by living as a faithful, celibate spouse? Can I find a way to do so without becoming bitter? Deteriorating into addled rambling again. I believe I'll close this post now and go spend some time in prayer.

Quickie

No, just a quick update, not that kind of quickie. I'll have a longer post later, but it's rather philosophical and is taking some time to develop properly.

For now, just a few notes.

1. N is going to stay with W in LOH until the end of the school year as originally planned. After doing some research here, it is clear that we couldn't guarantee him attending the same school here for the remainder of this school year as he would attend next fall. The counselor advised that this is more chaos than N needs if it is possible to avoid it.

2. W had a better week this week so he's feeling that it is doable to keep N there for a couple more months. He is still in a lot of pain though and taking a lot of Advil to combat it.

3. I'm still struggling with the decision to try to stay with W, but that's the topic of the longer post I'm developing.

4. I'm tired and not sleeping well. I suppose that's not too surprising given all I'm going through. I have vivid disturbing dreams each time I sleep. I'm always trying to get somewhere and taking wrong turns, running late, unable to get to my destination. Gee, I can't imagine what that means in my real life, huh?

A Little Something to Entertain You for the Weekend

And don't even try to tell me this isn't the greatest musician of our age because I just simply won't listen. I'll do what N does when he doesn't want to listen -- cover my ears with my hands and walk away saying "I'm not listening. I'm not listening."

Complicated

I realize that if I don't post now the cliffhanger will hang all weekend since I'll once again spend the weekend in LOH focusing on N and not hanging out on the 'net. I suppose I could leave y'all with the cliffhanger over the weekend and probably nobody much would care, but then again as quickly as my feelings and thoughts change if I don't write about it now, what I write might all be different by the time I get back to it. So without further ado (since there's been plenty already) here's the BJ side of the equation.

If you read this earlier post you might think that would have been the last communication between BJ and me. You might think that, but you'd be wrong.

The day after I made my decision to work on reconciliation with W, BJ called at lunchtime. We talked. I cried. He tried to offer advice on how to leave W. My reaction was not good. I accused him of trying to push me into an action he himself has been unwilling to take. After all, he's blogged for a couple of years about wanting to leave his wife, but he is no closer to taking that step than I am.

However, none of this kept me from chatting with him on Yahoo that evening (or the next). We chatted about a lot of stuff and pretty soon things felt to me as though they were getting back to almost normal, whatever normal means in the context of my life. We have also spoken on the phone every day since then, including some very hot phone sex the night that my date left me horny and frustrated. At some point in all of this I told him that he isn't making it easy for me to follow through on my decision to stay with W, and he said he knew that. I also admitted that part of me doesn't want him to make it easy.

So who's fooling who here? I think I'm the only one deluded here. I'm the only one who's thinking that I can juggle all of these relationships and somehow make it work out so that everybody's at least sort of happy. Good grief, what has to happen, how far do I have to fall, before I hit rock bottom? What has to happen to get me to commit to a decision and stick with it? How many people do I have to hurt before I stop? I feel myself heading back to the place in my head where I think it would be better if I were locked up somewhere where I could do no further harm, a place where they would have nurses to care for me, and we could have singing in the morning and art therapy in the afternoon, and all us residents could babble our incoherent thoughts at each other while we roam aimlessly through the halls.

How close to madness have I come?

Just an Aside to my Former Coworker

I hope you're enjoying reading my blogs. I'm fairly certain I know who you are, and I'm sure I've revealed enough of myself that you know who I am. I'm quite curious though about one thing. Are you keeping this all to yourself, or have you shared it with the rest of the gang there? I'd love it if you'd email me and let me know, or leave me a voicemail on my number in the sidebar, or drop a comment here.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Proving yet again that I am totally and completely irresponsible, my life just continues to get weirder. I definitely bring it on myself. It has everything to do with the choices I make and little to nothing to do with luck, chance, serendipity or rabbits dragging me on adventures.

I went out on a date with a woman last night. (Oh heck, let's go ahead and assign her a letter since we hit it off so well. Let's see, what letter haven't I used? Hmm, let's go with V for no other reason than it has been as of yet unused.) V and I met at a Mexican restaurant for dinner. We spent a couple of hours over dinner getting to know one another. She is quite talkative which make it easier on me. I don't even think she noticed my shyness. We have a lot in common. V is very cute, and I was certainly turned on by her. Funny thing is that while I kind of understand the dating/mating ritual when dating guys, I'm pretty clueless with another woman. It is so different dating a woman than a man. Wow. No wonder guys have a hard time understanding women. Their signals are so much different from men's, much more subtle and confusing. Sheesh! So we talked about many things -- family, kids, jobs, California (we've both lived there), men. We both seemed very much at ease with each other. There I sat, chatting and laughing and having a good time. In the back of my mind I'm thinking will she invite me to go home with her? Should I invite her to my home? Will I scare her off if I'm too forward or frustrate her if I'm not forward enough? I tried to push all those thoughts away and just enjoy the conversation.

Finally, we'd stayed at the restaurant about as long as we could, lingering over dessert (We shared a brownie sundae concoction. Yummy!), taking our time paying our checks, sitting for some time after all was squared away. The waitress probably breathed a sigh of relief when we finally got up to leave, opening our table for her next customers. I left her a generous tip for taking so long. So V and I walked out of the restaurant together. The weather had turned rather nasty while we were eating, and we were welcomed with cold rain and wind in our faces as we walked outside. V thanked me for a lovely evening and suggested we get together again soon. I said yes we definitely should. V and I hurried off to our own cars and drove away. That was it. That was the date. I was home before 8:30. Since then V emailed me, and we are planning on going out to the movies next week sometime.

There is no good reason for me to start a relationship with a woman right now. Having just decided that I can't leave W, I should be focusing on making that decision work. But I'm not. As a matter of fact, I'm doing just about everything I can to undermine that decision: dating, continuing to talk to BJ daily. Running out of time so I'll talk about the BJ side of this equation in another post. (Oh no, another cliffhanger.)

I Always Blather Too Much When Emotions Run High

There are not enough tears in this world to cry enough to soothe the pain right now. I know it only feels that way now and will get better as time goes by. The sharp edges will dull over time, and I will get better at going about day-to-day life without more than a dull ache. For right now, though, the pain is like a million shards of glass ripping through me. I feel defeated and deflated. The wind has died down, and the sails are no longer billowing but drooping as I bob aimlessly in the cold water. (It’s funny, don’t you think, how heartache can stimulate flowery prose and metaphoric writing. There’s something about stirring the heart that also stirs the creative process.)

What a disappointment I am to myself. So weak I can’t let go of a bad relationship. Too weak to stand up to those who would criticize me as heartless and cruel if I were to walk away from W. As a matter of fact, if this were about some other woman and her life I would be among the critics for I would be disgusted with such a woman – a woman who wouldn’t stick it out with a husband with medical problems, a woman took her vows so lightly she wouldn’t stay with her husband through the tough times. I would be appalled that instead of working on her marriage, she turned outside for comfort, both physical and emotional comfort, when she should have turned to her husband, or to other family members, but not to other men.

What advice would I have for such a woman if she were to ask me for advice?
Stop being so selfish. Think of all of those whom you are impacting – not only your husband but your son. Your son deserves both parents particularly since your husband has improved their relationship with the help of a family counselor. You’ve put enough upheaval in your son’s life by moving a few years ago and now moving again. How dare you consider splitting with his father under those circumstances? What were you thinking?!? Then, of course, you had to go fall in love and drag yet another victim into your life of chaos. Why on earth would you do something so irresponsible? Once you did that you clearly set up a no win situation. Mo matter what choice you made you were going to hurt somebody, and didn’t you know, deep down, that you couldn’t go through with destroying your family? Of course you did. You knew the only way to through with it was to bolt when your courage was high. But you didn’t fall in love with a bolter, not this time. No, you fell in love with someone more solid than that, someone who thought of practicalities and would make no rash moves. In a way he saved you from yourself because you know if he’d said “Let’s go” you’d have gone. You know if he’d said, “Let’s be brave, tell our spouses and move forward” you would have. But unlike rash, impetuous you, he thought of the practicalities, the realities of the situation. He knew it would take time to make things work, and it gave you time to think and time to come to your senses. Life isn’t meant to be filled with joy at others’ expense. Life is about finding joy in the life we’ve chosen for ourselves. That’s why we really ought to be careful when we chose our path in life, so we don’t stick ourselves with a really bad situation. But you did that. There’s nobody else to blame but you. So go on and pick up the pieces the best you can, and quit spreading the hurt far and wide.

See? I can’t win no matter what I do, even with myself. I berate myself for being too weak to walk away from a bad marriage, but then I can turn right around and berate myself for wanting to leave at all.

Haven't Done This in a Long Time

I'm about to post an email exchange. Haven't done that since the J days last year, but I couldn't possibly do justice to the exchange below without posting them verbatim. I would not have dreamed of having the following exchange via email except that's the kind of relationship BJ and I have. Our relationship has been clandestine all along with neither of us willing to throw our "real lives" into upheaval to reveal all. I have no way to call him when it is not convenient for him nor does he have that luxury with me. Therefore, after posting on my blog last night, and knowing that he could very well read it at any time, I knew I had to "talk" to him about it somehow.

Thus I sent the following email:

BJ,

I don't want you to be surprised when you read my blog the next time. I want you to understand. As hard as it is for me to admit, I can't leave him. I just can't. I don't know how to do it without the guilt being too great.

I want to be with you more than anything in the world, but I just don't know how to make it happen. Can you still love me if I'm not strong enough to leave him? Can you still love me if I can't commit myself to you 100% because I have to see through my commitment to him? Oh BJ, this is tearing me up inside. I so much do not want to lose you, and yet I have no right to ask you to wait for me to be free or to accept the role of "man on the side." I am so very, very sorry. I guess I'm just another one of those awful women who won't leave the jerk for the sweet guy. I am so so sorry.

I won't be online tonight. I don't feel up to it. I'm going to bed as soon as I send this email.

I love you BJ. I love you so very very much.

TS


When I woke up and checked my email here is the reply I had received:

TS,

As heavy as my heart is after reading these words just from what we talked about at breakfast last fall and reading your other posts I knew you were having a great deal of inner turmoil at the thought of leaving W. And I must admit to having a real gut feeling this last weekend; not knowing anything about what was going on with you but still feeling something. Yes I can love you, because I do love you. But for me to move down there it would have to be with us both being single again. I need that 100% commitment. I can't share the kind of love we have. I don't want either of us to be the other's booty call on the side.

I'm not ready to leave my marriage tomorrow. I want to use this time to find where I belong in the career world and improve myself any way I can, like the weight-loss and exercise and conquering depression.

"I guess I'm just another one of those awful women who won't leave the jerk for the sweet guy." As odd as it my sound I was thinking about the exact same thing, not that you're awful for feeling that guilt but that once again another guy has stood in the way between me and love. I have to wonder sometimes do I have to fall in love with a widow who's had few if any other boyfriends to have the ex's totally out of the picture?

But I honestly can't be mad at W or at you. If he were an old boyfriend who swooped out of the blue and snapped you up, with you leaving me a Dear John letter as you both rode off together, well that would be one thing. However, even with his jerk qualities, he's still someone you've lived with for a long time, and at one time did love. He's not a suprise to me. He's been there all along.
Just don't resign yourself to wasting another decade or more being his nursemaid. Life happens, and things change.

I don't want to lose you either.

As I write this I've still not seen your blog post. But after I send this I'll give it a look.

I love you TS. I love you so very much.
BJ

I think it's clear that neither BJ nor I have been able to free ourselves from our current marriages. Neither of us has been able to make that big break. Sometimes I think we both dance around it, waiting for the other to make that big break first, as though if one of us would do it first the other might be brave enough to follow.

I hate my life. I really, really do. I know many would be proud of me for "doing the right thing" by trying to make my marriage work. I know that trying to make my marriage work is the "right thing to do." I wish I had never ever gotten myself into this marriage, but I did. It's my fault that I'm stuck here. I'm the one that insisted 20 years ago that this was what I wanted. "You make your bed. You lie in it." I sure know how to make an uncomfortable bed.

Shit.

What the Fuck Am I Going to Do?

I can't do it. I can't split from W. Much as I want to I just can't. He is so very sad. He is in so much physical pain every day. He needs somebody to care for him. He doesn't really have much of anybody else to care for him, and he doesn't trust the few that might be willing and able to care for him. I can't do it. I'm stuck. I have to stay. I have to find a way to make it work for me. I can't live with the guilt if I leave him. He so much wants us to stay together. He so much is counting on moving here with me and N. He depends on me for so much. I didn't really think I did that much for him until being away from him 5 days a week. Now I realize that as much as I counted on him to do certain things for me, he counted on me to do many things for him too.

So what now? Do I resign myself to a celibate life until the time comes when he dies? Do I sneak around and have my liasons with BJ (if BJ is even willing to play the role of secret lover in the long term) so that W doesn't have to know that I'm not entirely happy as his celibate younger wife? Is it fair to ask BJ to play that role?

I have nothing but tears today. It is a beautiful spring day, warmest of the year so far, but it was hard to appreciate it. I am so disappointed in myself. I cannot be the cold-hearted bitch that gives her elderly, ailing husband the boot. I cannot put my needs before his. I simply can't. I don't have it in me to walk away. I wish I did. I wish I could walk away and not look back. I can't. I've tried. I've tried and tried and tried. I've agonized. I've come close, but I just can't. I need to stop this overriding obsession that possesses my thoughts day in and day out. I've just got to give in and give up and accept that this is where I am because I put myself here. Nobody to blame but me.

God, sometimes I hate being me. Please God help me be strong. Help me be the woman I need to be and should be. Be with me. Guide and direct me. Help me turn my thoughts away from selfish desires and focus on You and being the woman You want me to be, then woman I promised to be when I spoke my wedding vows. Amen.

I Should Be Sleeping Right Now

Yes, I should be sleeping right now. I said goodnight to BJ and signed off Yahoo an hour ago. Yet instead of sleeping I'm lying in bed wide awake. Thanks stupid time change. Thanks overactive brain. Thanks weird wacky life.

So, as I do when I need to dump thoughts somewhere to give my brain a rest, I'm gonna blog for a bit. Hopefully, it's a short one so I can get some sleep, but I never know once the fingers hit the keyboard whether they'll write a short story or an epic.

What's new with me?

1) The first couple of weekends at LOH were so pleasant that I almost thought that W and I might actually get back together. Then the weekend a week ago was such a nightmare that I was sure that wasn't going to happen. This weekend left me so unsure of things again. W is counting on moving here. He is old and in increasingly bad health. He is in pain a good deal of the time. I feel horrible abandoning him. Yikes. I want out so badly, and have gotten out sort of, and yet I still feel an obligation to this man. I still feel incredible guilt about not wanting him anymore. Can I stay with him and care for him until he dies? That could be years away. He might hang on, weak and in pain, for years. Can I resign myself to that life? I know, I know. Same questions, still no answers, still bouncing it back and forth in my head. Yuck.

2) I may have to go ahead and move N here with me. W is having a hard time dealing with everything all by himself. This week I'm going to get info on the school N would attend here and what it would take to transfer him after spring break. I'm also going to check into afterschool programs for him. If it seems like a viable option to go ahead and move him then that's what I'll do. It makes me happy that he will be with me if we do this. It also makes me sad that cuts 2 months off my "me" time that I'd planned on having.

3) I may have a new girlfriend. Yes, "that kind" of girlfriend. She and I are going out on a date this week. The bi part of me has been very strong lately, and I answered an ad. We'll see how it turns out. I know, I know. I'm a slut. What can I say? If this turns into something I'll have to give her a letter to be known by on the blog.

4) BJ is still the best thing in my life. He is, I believe, my true soulmate. We share so many things in common. We have similar histories in certain ways. We have similar viewpoints on an incredible number of topics. Our libidos even seem to be synched up with each other. If only he and I weren't still attached to others in the legal sense of the term attached, he and I would be the best of couples. But he and I are both still attached to others. Can either of us make that move, that big step to divorce? I'm not sure, not sure at all. . . about either of us.

If You Only Knew

Today's Horoscope:

Your instincts may tell you to slow it all down and it would be wise to listen to this inner voice today. Although you can feel the emotional buzz as your key planet Venus hums happily, you may overplay your hand. But don't withhold your affection out of fear. There's no need to keep your guard up just because you are afraid that the good feelings will pass. Rest assured that what you are experiencing now can have lasting positive impact.

Oh gosh, this is so timely for me. There's so much to share here that I haven't shared lately. So much is going on. Guess when I get a chance to catch my breath I'll try to write a real post.

Oops, There I Go Straying into Politics Again

And just so you know:
1) I never supported going into Iraq. The WMD argument never swayed me. North Korea, at the same time we were going into Iraq, was bragging about their nuclear capabilities. We ignored them. Why? Didn't need to avenge Daddy Bush there, and North Korea isn't sitting on boatloads of oil.
2) I place no blame on the troops sent over there. They are doing what they are supposed to do, following orders. God bless the troops in Iraq.
3) I thank God that I live in a country where we have the freedom of speech and can sing or speak about issues about which we care deeply. Perhaps we should be careful to elect those who will make sure we retain this freedom.

[Stepping down off of soapbox.]

4) The biggest reason I posted this video is that I wanted to save it for myself. I like it and wanted to have a place to easily get back to it. I'm not trying to push my views on you if you just happen to read this. You're entitled to your viewpoint, whatever it may be. So am I.

Stealing Again

Stolen from Finished Last, but since he stole it from someone who stole it from someone else, I'm thinking I'm good here.

What curse words do you use most? In public, probably damn. In private, fuck is a good all purpose word as it can be used as an adverb, adjective, verb, noun.

Do you own an iPod? No, should I?

What time is your alarm clock set to? 6:00 a.m.

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take, definitely take. Nobody would want a picture of me.

What was the last movie you watched? Flushed Away, because N wanted to get it when it came out on DVD and watch it with me so we did.


What CD is currently in your player?





Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Chocolate. Everything's better chocolate.

Has anyone told you a secret this week? Nope. Nobody tells me nuttin'.

When was the last time you had Starbucks? It's been so long I don't even remember.

Can you whistle? Kinda, sorta.

Did you watch cartoons when you were little? Oh yes, obsessively. Particular favorites: The Beatles, Deputy Dog, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Oh no, I'm showing my age again.

Do you own any band t-shirts? No

What will you be doing in an hour? Watching TV, surfing the 'net.

What was the last song you heard? Vivaldi's Four Seasons

Last time you cried? When I was telling BJ about my dad's current struggle with chemo for his colon cancer.

Desktop or laptop? Laptop.

What’s the weather like? Cold, too damn cold. When is spring?

What were you doing an hour ago? House hunting.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function? Usually 6 is enough, but lately I can't seem to get enough sleep no matter how long I sleep.

Do you eat breakfast daily? Probably 90% of the time.

What did you do last night? I went to a concert featuring music by Vivaldi.

Do you use sarcasm? Only all the time.

Do you sleep on your side/back/stomach? Mostly stomach, sometimes side.

Do you watch the news? Almost every day.

Do you have any scars? Yes

Do you fantasize about the men who read your blog? Honey, I fantasize about everyone.

Would you sleep with someone you met originally through your blog? Ummm, well, yeah, already did.

Would you want a lover who was smart and plain or dumb and hot? Smart and plain beats dumb and hot every time. I got no time for beautiful airheads.

Woke up with a Headache

God, what a headache, the kind that pesters you in your sleep until it finally wakes you enough to make you do something about it. Around 4:00 this morning I got up and took some Advil and Sudafed. Then I couldn't go back to sleep. So what was I supposed to do? What any good internet junkie would. I read a few blogs, followed a few links from my usual blogs to some of their favorites, and found some interesting reads. In case you want to know, Digger has some mighty interesting links. After following one of them, I had to dig out my vibrators and well, all I can say is. . .





my headache's gone.

And let me add that following a link from a link from a link I found this blog which I think will soon be added to my links list.

By the way, did I mention I'm feeling a bit horny these days?

Yes, This Sounds Like Me

You scored as Utilitarianism. Your life is guided by the principles of Utilitarianism: You seek the greatest good for the greatest number. “The said truth is that it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong.” --Jeremy Bentham “Whenever the general disposition of the people is such, that each individual regards those only of his interests which are selfish, and does not dwell on, or concern himself for, his share of the general interest, in such a state of things, good government is impossible.” --John Stuart Mill More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... Utilitarianism 75% Existentialism 60% Justice (Fairness) 55% Hedonism 50% Divine Command 40% Apathy 30% Kantianism 25% Strong Egoism 20% Nihilism 5% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

While I Work on a Real Post

Here are some random thoughts in my head:

1) Driving by myself is wonderful. Set the cruise control, turn the music off, and think. Wonderful. . .

2) The moon was beautiful tonight, a big, yellow ball on the horizon just after dusk. Beautiful. . .

3) LNJ feels more and more like home. LOH, less and less. Ahhhh. . .

4) Men are frustrating. Grrr. . .

5) It's really hard to attend midweek school programs from 200 miles away. Hmmm. . .

6) Star Trek may be some 40 years old, but I still love it. Smile. . .

7) The newer versions of Star Trek, not so much. Frown. . .

8) It's late, and I need to be sleeping. Stretch. . .

9) I'm not sleepy. Yawn. . .

10) I should be sleepy thanks to the great phone sex BJ and I just had. Wow. . .

What I Do in the Middle of the Night When I Go to Bed Too Early

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Thanks to BJ for providing me with this little diversion. This and watching Sportscenter on ESPN. It's what I do when I can't sleep.

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EPILOGUE
Well, I was finally starting to feel sleepy and thought maybe I could go back to sleep for a while. I looked over at the clock to see it is 5:53. Yes, just 7 minutes before the alarm will go off. Crap.