Tuesday, August 07, 2007


I have been stressing all morning. I have been stressing out over couple’s counseling. I was thinking it was tonight. Ha! The joke’s on me. It isn’t until Thursday night. We had to reschedule because I have another commitment tonight, a meeting of a civic organization that I’m joining.

Why does couple’s counseling stress me so? Only because I approach every week nervous and afraid that I will not speak the truth. . . or that I will speak the truth. Either way I’m screwed. If I don’t speak the truth then I continue to be caught in this trap prison pit of despair marriage. If I do speak the truth then I will set into motion a fearful journey into the unknown, into self-reliance. Sometimes I think I could be self-reliant. Other times I am quite convinced I could not be.

Okay, it all comes down to this. My phone phobia and overwhelming shyness is getting in the way of me being the self-reliant person I want to be. I keep hedging this thing because I rely on W to take care of things that I won’t can’t handle due to my social anxiety and fear. Okay, there it is in a nutshell. That’s the big stumbling block. I admit it. Crap. I don’t know how to overcome it. I’ve tried many times in my life, and then when the pressure starts to get too overwhelming I retreat back into myself, more a recluse than before. I feel that pressure building and the temptation for retreat is great, very great, at this time. Part of me wants the pressure released so that I can continue to function. Part of me doesn’t because I want something to force me to become that self-reliant person I need to be. So I won’t ask anyone to relieve that pressure, and I just hope and pray that I can find a way to work through it instead of turning tail and running from it.

Crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.


Anonymous said...

Deep breaths, deep breaths. Iknow you are in a bad spot. I just hope you find your way out.

Al Laddin said...

Deep breaths, like finished last said. One step, one thing at a time. I can get overwhelmed and panicky and try to do everything at once. I end up in fear and frustration, not having done anything at all except scatter shit all over everywhere that I won't be able to find when I calm down because I frantically threw it "somewhere".

Stop. Breathe. Masturbate (always works for me!!!). Chocolate helps.

Everything will be there when you get back. Then choose ONE thing. Do just THAT! (I don't CARE how many things you have to do. Only do ONE!) Call it good. Heavily reward yourself. Repeat tomorrow and successive days until finished.

Serenity said...

Shyness is not a problem; it is a personality trait.
I think that is what you need to work on more than couple's counselling which i cannot imagine is good for anything more than giving W false hope. If you care enough to go to counselling with him i can see him thinking you care enough to try to save your marriage. You are sending him mixed messages.
You need counselling on your own or good advice that will give you concrete projects to build your self-confidence and manage your shyness.
Sure it's easier to have W take care of you. But objectively is he doing all that great a job?
Sorry for lecturing once again! I am incorrigible.

mia said...

I have to agree with Al laddin. What a smart man. Trueself, you and I have similar shyness/phone phobia problems. I say masturbate a ton and indulge in whatever helps. Taking it a little bit at a time will help. Once you get one task done you'll feel awesome and have a bit more confidence to do the next thing. It's all downhill once you get started.

Trueself said...

FL - Yeah, me too.

Al - Good advice (particularly that masturbate thing). Trying to hang in there without melting down.

Serenity - It's only a problem if it interferes with your life. My shyness, or maybe better worded my social anxiety, is a problem because it interferes with my ability to do simple things like make necessary phone calls, getting necessary things done, etc.
You are definitely right that I need counseling on my own, and better counseling than what I received in the past.
Does W do a great job of taking care of me? No, of course not. Can I give up what he does do for me? Hmm. . .

Mia - Yes, Al is very smart. That's why I appreciate his friendship.
Small steps, one thing at a time, yes that's the only way. . .