Saturday, August 04, 2007

What a Day

It's really been a day in three parts:

This morning I read BJ's post from last night. It brought tears to my eyes when I read it. I felt absolutely awful that he was down and lonely and alone. If only I weren't hundreds of miles away things would be so very different. Fortunately he and I were able to talk, first via IM, then on the phone. We had what I think were some really good, really important discussions. When it comes right down to it other than N BJ is the most important person in my life, and I told him so today. It's probably not the first time I've said it, but he really needed to hear it today. Also, I told him that if he really needs me to be with him this weekend I would drive up to see him today and take whatever consequences come from it. I knew that what that would mean would be telling W the truth about me and BJ, and I do worry what that would do in terms of custody fights between W and me. Fortunately, as we talked BJ and I both came to our senses, realized that we are on the right path right now and don't need to do anything impetuous. We both felt better after we talked I think. I know he sounded like he was in a better place.

The reason I had time to talk to BJ for a while was that I had something of a drive to and from my meeting today with other bi women from the area. It was a great experience. Only five of us attended. We had a good time and are looking forward to expanding the group. We introduced ourselves to one another, and as part of our introductions we included whether we have a significant other, whether they are supportive of our sexuality, when we realized we were bi, whether we had explored our bi sides, and whether or not we are out. Even with just five of us there we ran the gamut of totally out to not out, experienced to no experience, in open to closed relationships. We were a diverse group. Interestingly enough, all five of us are married. I am the least "out" of the group. The only people that know that I'm bi that are currently in my life are online friends/acquaintances except for W and BJ who both know. They are the only ones IRL who know. The only others who have ever known were people with whom I had bi relationships or with whom I at least considered having a bi relationship. None of my family members know nor would they understand. It was an interesting discussion we had finding many common issues and feelings. It was great too talk in a group where we could be completely open about a part of our lives that in many situations is not an "acceptable" topic. What a great way to spend an afternoon! By the time we left we had our next two get togethers tentatively planned. We are going to be getting together monthly so one of the participant's husbands has already called it the "bi monthly meeting." Cool.

After I returned home, W and I had the most interesting discussion that we've had in ages. He wanted to know all about the meeting and whether I enjoyed it. I told him some basic info about the afternoon. He could see that I was very happy with how it had gone. The conversation took a completely and totally unexpected turn when W shared that we would have no problem if I had a girlfriend on the side. He is completely against me having a boyfriend on the side, but a girlfriend is perfectly okay. He doesn't desire any participation with me and this hypothetical girlfriend. So I guess he's come around to figuring if I need sex and intimacy I can use my bi side to get it as long as I don't replace him entirely. He doesn't feel threatened by women in the same way that he would with another man. This attitude took me so fully by surprise. It is quite a shift from past attitudes. He's always been all about if we were going to swing we were going to do it together. Then we had that aborted attempt at a don't ask, don't tell policy which we really still have, sort of, but he keeps such close watch on me that it is very difficult to have anything on the side (though I do manage). Now he's saying sure, go play with other women, no problem, be open about it, just no men. Does he really mean this, or is he just trying to make it more difficult for me to leave by loosening up on me? I don't know. I do know it is increasing the guilt that I feel for not wanting to be with him anymore. He is bending over so far backwards in his own way to try to keep me here. It is obvious to me that he does indeed want me to stay. However, I still want out. I want out of this marriage. I must tell him that soon. I can't continue to allow him to work so hard at making things better when I know deep down that it is at this point too little too late, that I am not going to be happy within this marriage. I need to be honest with him about that.


Anonymous said...

It seems that you have got mucho stress in your life! You are a very strong woman. I don't know if I could take as much as you have!
Kuddos to you!

mia said...

Don't let him soften you up. Just think of it like a pleasant side effect. It has no direct bearing on the decision you've already made to leave him. Once you want to leave you can never really go back can you?

Trueself said...

EC - Stress, yes a little I guess. It's a whole lot less than a year or more ago. But thanks for the kuddos.

Mia - Oh no, he can't soften me up. It has become very clear to me that there just isn't anything he could do at this point to change my mind about wanting to leave.

Karin's Korner said...

Trueself, You are 100% correct. You have to tell him that it is over if that is what you want. It is not fair to him to go on thinking that if he "gives in" on some issues you will stay and really once it is out in the open you will feel 100% better about the situation. ]

PS Glad you had a good weekend, I know you were looking forward to the meeting.