Guarded Condition

Today’s post addresses the following bullet point from Monday’s post:

I approached the weekend with caution, and probably didn’t let my guard down much until Saturday afternoon/evening.

As I drove to see BJ, and even before that, I thought about the weekend and what I wanted from it, what I hoped to accomplish, and though I hoped for one ending I prepared (or tried to prepare) myself for a different ending. As I drove, I slipped off my wedding rings and placed them safely in a small zippered section of my purse. I wanted to experience the weekend without them, something of a test to see how it would feel.

All I knew going there is that BJ had professed to an epiphany of sorts, that he wanted us back together and didn’t want to lose me. I was not exactly clear on exactly how he envisioned our future or what expectations he had of me. I had offered to sacrifice so much in order to keep him, and I started to wonder if I was really prepared to make that much sacrifice. My thinking was that if he said “fine, yes, make all those sacrifices while I make none, and I will take you back” then he was still coming from a place of immaturity, a place that I didn’t need to take myself. I hoped that he had come to understand that while I was willing to turn my world upside down for him, that it wouldn’t be fair to ask that of anybody, that an expectation of that magnitude would be unrealistic. I hoped that he was ready to approach things from a mature view of reality. I feared that he was not in that place.

Therefore, I approached the weekend with much guardedness, observing him from the moment I arrived. I tried to make the atmosphere relaxed, not wanting him to feel under the microscope even though, in truth, he was. I know I held back some at first, but I don’t know how much he recognized that.

Oh hell, none of this matters. Doctor’s office just called, and they want to do more tests on my left breast next Monday. I hate how nonchalant they are about the whole thing. Crap.

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2:45 p.m. Picking up where I left off (now that I’ve brought terror back down to mild anxiety):

While I was anxious to seriously discuss with BJ the state of our relationship, I was also just a little apprehensive about it. We spoke a little about it on Friday night but not much. I found it significant though that when I teared up and told him that I had been so afraid of losing him altogether, he apologized. He didn’t give me the kind of non-apology to which I’ve been accustomed in my married life, the “I’m sorry you’re hurt” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” along with a laundry list of self-justification; you know, the apologies that aren’t really apologies. No, BJ simply said “I am so very sorry for that” and looked as though he did indeed feel burdened by having hurt me. Not once did he try to justify it or excuse it, but just apologized with what appeared a genuinely contrite heart. Such a simple thing, and yet it made a world of difference to me and gave me renewed hope that maybe things really were going to be okay somehow.

Little sleep happened on Friday night, a combination of a less than stellar air mattress and two people skin to skin who had been deprived for far too long. However, eventually we did sleep some, probably from sheer exhaustion and having worn ourselves out and didn’t get up until almost 11:30 the next morning. By the time we had breakfast, showered, dressed and watched much of the Iowa football game, it was mid-afternoon. BJ took me on a little tour of his hometown. It was very similar to a good number of fairly small Midwestern towns, but it was nice to be able to see BJ’s world. We eventually ended up parked at the edge of a nearby lake where we sat and finally had our serious talk as we watched the water gently ripple and lap against the shore. We even got to watch a wedding party stop there to have one (that’s right, only one) photo taken of the bride and groom. We both agreed the wedding gown was hideously ugly, and BJ compared it to ugly draperies. (Sorry, unknown bride from last Saturday, but he really was right.)

It was only after our conversation at the lake that I really felt my guardedness slipping away. By the time we finished that conversation, I knew in my heart that we are on the right track together, that we agree about the future, that we now have our canoes pointed in the right direction and eventually if we both stay the course we will be able to tie those canoes together, build a mast and hoist our sails for a lifelong cruise with one another. (Oh, ick, that is just too sappy. I should delete that, but I won’t. Sometimes I like it when I get sappy.)