Saturday, September 23, 2006

Anger, Frustration, Sadness

I was pissed off yesterday because I didn't get some time that was supposed to be just mine, all by myself, to do what I wanted to do. Instead I spent that time at work. I tried to approach it with a good attitude, but as others kept pointing out to me how unfair it was that I was there, I started to get really angry. Then just to top off my day, W tells me that he wants to cancel a trip we had planned to make next weekend. That pisses me off because we've already paid for tickets to an event in a location I have always wanted to visit, and now we aren't going. But now I'm working on going anyway, with someone else if I can find anyone who'll go with me.

I am frustrated, frustrated that I see myself doing the same things over and over again yet expecting different results. Let's see, could there be a pattern here? Do steps A and B, and get result C. Repeat the steps, get the same result, over and over and over. So why do I think that I can do steps A and B and get result Q? I'm frustrated because I can't seem to figure out what I should do differently or how to do it. I'm frustrated, according to my therapist, because I'm trying to quantify steps to get to an end result and yet my problems aren't about taking the wrong steps in quantifiable actions but rather I need to look at things differently. I'm confused and frustrated because I don't know yet how I'm supposed to get better.

My therapist wants me to acknowledge the sadness that comes from not getting certain things that I needed in my childhood, the acceptance and attention that I wanted. I feel myself fighting that. I don't want to feel sad. I'm fighting feeling sad. I want happiness. So what is she trying to say? That I need to somehow get better by allowing myself to feel the sadness? To quit fighting it? And just how would that help? Not sure where to go from here on this one. I just feel like I should be strong enough to get over the past and leave it behind. Why do I keep getting caught up in it?


New Girl said...

I think your therapist is right about allowing yourself to be sad. We always think we shouldn't feel what we feel. We need to be strong or brave or whatever. But when you allow yourself to just feel what you feel, THAT allows you to get over it and leave it behind. Otherwise it's just a fake happy because that thing is always lurking.

At least this has always been the case for me. . .

Emily said...

Actually, I think so, too.

There is something kind of rushed about the whole story as told so far. Like you are stuck in some kind of trap and desperate to get out, constantly trying to find a new exit. As soon as it becomes clear one exit is blocked, you bolt for another one like you are being chased by a pack of hyenas.

What are you so afraid of?

It just feels like you need to slow down a bit, pause and relect, and even allow yourself to feel some pain. Because if you just make your escape without doing so, I just have the feeling it is going to back up on you. And its not the greatest start to a new relationship, either.