Wednesday, September 27, 2006

How Not to Turn Your Woman On

In thinking about the sexual relationships I've had, I realize that there has been one constant throughout -- I do believe every guy I've been with has been almost completely focused on his pleasure, on making sure that we did what he wanted to get the best experience for him. Oh yeah, and he'd try and see if he could get an orgasm out of me too as long as I didn't take too long or need anything special.

So as a public service announcement, here now is my guide for NOT turning a woman on:

Don't bother to bathe or shave anytime within the 24 hours prior to initiating sex. That way you can be grimy and scratchy, two things that will drive your woman crazy (and not in a good way).
Don't initiate sex unless you've already got a hard on so there will be no need for foreplay.
If your woman isn't wet down there when you get started, suggest lube rather than doing anything to actually stimulate her into an aroused state.
Leave your socks and undershirt on so nobody gets the idea that this activity is worth any extra effort on your part.
Limit kisses to three. Any more than that and you're setting up higher expectations in her for the future. There's already too much pressure in life without adding high expectations to it.
Suck her nipples but only until your hard on is really stiff and ready for action. If you are already at that point then you can skip this step.
Only agree to go down on her if she has showered immediately preceeding the initiation of sexual activity and only as a favor to her with the understanding that she owes you for you being willing to do it.
If you do go down on her, try to hurry her along if she's taking a while to get to orgasm. Don't ask if you could do something differently or try something new. Just do it exactly the same as you always do. If she takes too long, give up and move on to the next step because it isn't worth too much effort.
As soon as possible, climb on top of her for some good missionary position sex. It's all about you now, big boy. Fuck her to your heart's content without consideration of whether she's getting anything out of it. This is your time.
Once you cum, roll off of her, head to the bathroom, scrub your face with soap and water to remove any of those nasty juices you may have come into contact with if you went down on her. Wipe off your pecker so it's sparkling clean.
Well, it's all over so you might as well head down to the kitchen for a snack, or if you aren't hungry just climb in bed and go to sleep with your back to her.

Yes, male readers, I guarantee you that if you have sex as outlined above you will NOT turn your woman on. Also, if you wake up too soon after dozing off after a session like this you're likely to catch her masturbating trying to make up for your inadequacy as a lover.

Here ends my public service announcement for the day.


Emily said...

Harsh, but fair :-)

I could feel myself going stone cold just reading it.

Maybe at the end he could just crack that old joke about how an ideal date turns into pizza and beer at 3am... that'll confirm her place in the scheme of things!

Pink said...

True, at least for me. I don't get turned on this way.

Just to let you know, I have delete my private email address and will be deleting my blog today. I will try to get a message to you and fill you in on the details. I will still be checking in on your blog.

Talk more later,

trueself said...


Hope everything is okay. You know how to reach me via email. If you need me let me know.

Anonymous said...

Taking notes

Rosie said...

Oh gosh - this was to funny, and tooo accurate. Now if only ALL the ones who need to read this and be made aware of their performence imperfections would do so. Right and pigs will fly....

BJ said...

Well damn, it sounded to me like he was doing a great job. It's not his fault she's frigid.


freebird said...

Sooooo depressing.

Tajalude said...

Ouch. Too, too relatable.