Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Blather. Rinse. Repeat.

So I took a hiatus, a short one, but for someone who tends to blather on and on and on and on, even a week of non-writing seems like a lot to me. What was my hiatus about? Oh, a variety of things, but mostly feeling that the rollercoaster of a life I’m on was going too fast for me to think about what was happening before my fingers would fly across the keyboard to write something only to have my thoughts and feelings change shortly after posting. So I’d post again with more blather. Blather, rinse, repeat.

I just needed to stop. And think. And shut up for a bit. And process. And think some more. And breathe. And pull back. And THINK. I hate having to think. I like to just go with the flow. Unfortunately, the flow right now is traveling at breakneck speed, and I need to slow down a bit. Therefore, no more just going with the flow. Step back, think, process, apply logic, and then move forward. That’s the new process.

I think I now know what direction to move.

Number one on the list (some of you will cheer and some will lament) is to separate from W and move towards divorce. It sounds so easy in one little sentence like that. I know that it will not be easy. I have said nothing to W yet, or anyone else in real life except my therapist (and Z, but since we have yet to meet face to face I still don’t quite consider him to be a real life person, but more of a fantasy who hopefully become real soon), as I want to consult with a divorce attorney first to make sure I get all my ducks in a row before proceeding. So for now, at least until I have a solid plan, life is status quo at home. A big part of this process will be dealing with the impact on N and doing all we can do to make it the least disruptive as possible to him. I regret the negative impact our divorce will have on N, but I also regret the mess to which we are currently subjecting him. Although we try not to be openly hostile in front of him, there is definitely a tension in the air, and a coldness. I see N trying to play mediator sometimes. He should not be placed in a situation where he feels the need for that. I was raised in a family where I felt that same tension in the air and often wished my parents would just split up. They never did, but even today you can tell by the way they treat one another that they have no respect for one another. They simply tolerate one another because that’s who they are stuck with, and they stay out of each others’ way as much as they can. In a family that believes no reason is enough for divorce, they have never had a way out.

Number two on the list is to slow down, get untangled from W and see what it feels like to be just me. Feel the fear of the unknown. Work through the anxiety of having to be a grown up and take care of myself. Prove to myself that I am capable of being an independent, self-reliant individual. Make my own decisions, for good or for bad, for my own life and accept the consequences of those decisions. Become a real, honest-to-goodness full fledged adult. In a way, this is the scariest item on the list because I've never really had the confidence that I could take care of myself, and have believed that I would always need someone else to be there to take care of me.

Number three on the list is to let the relationship with Z develop into whatever we make of it. I know from past experience that I tend to fall too deeply too quickly so I am trying to rein myself in some on this. However, Z and I do seem to have something special between us. I’ll know more once we are able to meet in person and talk face to face rather than through the phone and computer. My gut instinct tells me to leap forward here and run with it, but my brain is telling me to take it slowly, to work on #1 & #2 before focusing heavily on #3. I need to let things develop as they will and not push. We have a lifetime ahead of us and don’t need to rush anything. Besides Z has his own untangling to do. It will all take time. But that doesn’t mean that Z and I can’t enjoy each other’s company to the fullest extent possible in the present. We will spend what time we can together. We will continue to get to know each other. Hopefully, we will continue to grow closer.

So that’s it. That’s the map of my life as I currently see it. I’m still waiting for the happily ever after ending, but at least now I’m actually doing something to try to make it happen instead of sitting back and waiting for it. Hmm, imagine that, taking an active role in your own life. What a concept.


Fiona said...

Bravo...and good luck!

It won't be easy but you seem to be in the right place in your life for all this to happen.

Keep looking forward hon.

Stinkypaw said...

That is good news. Little steps, ...in the right direction.

freebird said...

Hey, babe, I knew you wouldn't be able to keep away! ;-)
No 1 is daunting, scary, serious and I wish you courage and strength.
No 2 is the most sensible thing you've said so far! And I kinda envy you, but again wish you courage to see this valuable stage through.
No 3 No disrespect to BJZ but please follow your brain - you obviously have one!!!
With fondness and caring, fb.