Friday, November 24, 2006

It's Not Easy Being Me

It's not that easy being green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold...
or something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ord'nary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.

I think of Kermit's song "It's Not Easy Being Green" and I identify with it. Not because I'm green you understand. I'm only green when I've eaten bad shellfish. No, I identify with it because of some of the characteristics that make me "different" so that it's not easy being me. My entire life I've felt different for one reason or another. But I also want to get to that place in the last verse where "'ll do fine, it's beautiful! And I think it's what I want to be."

One of those reasons, a big reason that I feel "different," is that I am bisexual, and what I would consider solidly bisexual. What I mean by that is that I am pretty equally attracted to men and to women. I believe that there are all shades of gray on the scale of straight to gay. I have known people who are 100% straight, can't imagine being with someone of the same sex. I have also known people who are 100% gay, can't imagine being with someone of the opposite sex. But then there are some of us, probably more than are willing to admit it, that can happily swing both ways to some degree.

As a bisexual I have never felt completely accepted by the straight world or the gay world. The straight world tends to look at bisexuals the same as gay and subject us all to the same prejudice. The gay world, in my experience, looks at bisexuals as gays who aren't willing to admit being gay or are trying to appear less gay or who hide behind their straight side to get along in the world. Admittedly, it is pretty easy for me to pass as straight given that I married a man rather than a woman. That isn't why I married a man though. I married for love. I just didn't come with a preconceived notion of which gender the person I fell in love with might be.

When did I first realize I was bisexual? About the time I hit puberty and not only had crushes on guys I knew, but also on my best friend who happened to be a girl. I had a huge crush on her, and if she had ever shown any inclination I would have made out with her in a flash. As it was, that never happened, but I happily spent the night with her and her with me many many times. Had she not been my very best friend I might have made a move on her, but the friendship was much more important to me so I couldn't risk it. God, I remember looking at her lips and wanting so badly to kiss them. Sigh. . . I also had crushes on guys though, and since that was "acceptable" I pursued them with much more vigor. But there it was. I knew that I could go both ways by the time I was around 12 or so. I probably didn't even know the term "bisexual" back then. I was pretty sheltered, not really learning anything much until my high school years when I used to sit for hours in the library reading every book about sex that I could find.

My high school years I mainly focused on guys, not girls. I was trying, like so many of my peers, to fit in and not appear odd. I often wondered though how many other girls in the locker room after PE were turned on seeing other girls in the showers. For the most part, though, the focus was guys. In college, I used to fantasize about other women but didn't have a clue how to find other bi women or lesbians. It wasn’t until W and I got together that I got my first chance to be with another woman.

W and I talked about swinging, bought some swingers magazines, answered a few ads, and finally started meeting other couples. The first couple we met was a couple who would swing together but were both married to other people. Ruby was the first woman I ever had any sexual contact with. She was not really into other women that much but was very much into sex and said she didn’t care if it was a man or woman she played with. So after W had his way with her, and José had eaten me to several orgasms, the boys sat back and watched while Ruby and I played with each other. We kissed each other deeply, and I was in heaven. I had always dreamed of kissing a woman. She sucked on my nipples and manually brought me to orgasm, and then I did the same for her. Ruby was incredibly sensitive to touch and orgasmed easily. I loved all that we did together, but I could tell she was pretty blasé about it. She was just in it for the big O and really didn’t care who gave it to her. I was really wishing for someone who was as anxious to have another woman as I was, but it was still good as far as it went. I was too shy to actually eat her pussy particularly since she wasn’t so into the whole girl/girl thing anyway.

During our swinging days, I did get a chance at a few more women although it seemed in most cases we would end up with couples where the man was anxious to have the two women do things together, but the woman was more hesitant. It seemed like we often did nothing more than touch each others’ breasts and maybe kiss a bit. It was vastly disappointing to me. There was one couple, however, who were pretty experienced swingers and she enjoyed playing with other women. We only got together once. I don’t remember now why it ended up as a one time only thing. I sure would have gotten together again and again. Hers was the only pussy I’ve ever tasted, and she is the only woman ever to have eaten my pussy. It was a huge turn on for me to do that with another woman. It fueled my desire to have more, but it wasn’t to be. W and I soon stopped swinging after that.

About four years ago, I went on AFF and also and put a profile on each specifically searching for another woman for some occasional discreet fun. Nothing ever came of it. I did get a couple of emails from one woman but could never pin down a time and place for meeting so I got frustrated and dropped it.

So here I am, a bisexual woman with very little outlet for expressing it. I have no desire to give up men. Yet I would love to have a female friend with benefits. Instead I have a couple of men, sort of, and no women. What I wouldn’t give to know if Sue who sits in a cubicle close by is bi and would be interested. Can’t take the risk though that she would gasp at the mere thought and think ill of me forevermore if I were to approach her. So I’ll probably never know. Sue has these really sensuous looking lips and curves in all the right places. I have some wicked thoughts about Sue.

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