Friday, February 22, 2008

Love/Hate of Women

A comment on the last post prompted me to write this post. It raised a very good question. How can I claim to be bi when I don't trust women in general?

The simple answer is that attraction and trust don't necessarily have to go together.

The longer answer if you care to read on is as follows:

There has been much discussion on the message boards of my bi group about the topic of female cattiness and how it impacts same sex relationships. Many of the women on the boards told of experiences they had with women in relationships that were ruined by the pettiness and cattiness that seems to come with a certain type of female. It was a long running thread and no real answers came out of it as to how one handles it, but there was pretty much consensus that it is more difficult dealing with women in relationships than men. No wonder men claim to not understand women. Even women don't understand women when they are in a relationship together.

It has been fascinating to me to learn from my interactions with this group of bi women that we all face many issues to which we can relate that neither straight or gay people really can. We have discussions about how monogamy is impacted when a person is bi, but that could be a post in and of itself. We have discussions about how when some straight women find out you are bi they will get uncomfortable around you as though afraid you'll try to rape her or something. Again that could be a whole post in itself. Anyway, there are all sorts of issues related to being bi that don't come up if you just go one way or the other.

My attraction to women is very real. My fear of them is just as real. Women are very difficult to understand, even for other women. Men, as I said in yesterday's post, seem to be more up front about things. This is not just my own observation, but something that many of my bi counterparts have found also.

This makes me think I may do a whole series of posts on the subject of bisexualty. I've got a million thoughts running through my head here and not enough time to deal with them all here and now. If you have specific questions related to being bi that you'd like me to address feel free to put them in the comments.


The Silent Male said...

My wife and I have had discussions about why I want a woman when I seem to not like women (that statement would need a full post to cover I think). Anyway, even when my feelings toward the female gender are at their worst, my penis still works like it is supposed to, and isn't afraid to make sure I know it.

snow66 said...

Women, hard to understand, but not impossible. =)

I think her meanness is a defense mechanism. She needs to see you as the “bad” party in the triangle in order to feel justified (not bad about herself) for her part in the betrayal.

She has been the other woman over and over for the past year or so, and repeatedly had her heart broken by men who have not chosen her.

I think the malice she has directed at you is a mix of a couple of emotional components that have very little to do with you personally:

1) collective anger at these other women who she never had a chance to confront
2) anger at herself for being the catalyst for someone else's pain in being betrayed.

I can't help wondering what the man in this triangle thinks about her behavior. They (men) aren't so easy to figure sometimes either...=)

Bunny said...

I don't trust most men any farther than I could throw them, but that has nothing - zero, zip, nada - to do with my sexual or romantic attraction to them. Two different critters right there. (Note please that I don't trust women any more than men. I practiced law for too long to trust ANYBODY.)

The Silent Male said...

Note to bunny - I trust you on that last comment.

Trueself said...

SM - Exactly. The burning desires care not for what the brain may think.

Snow66 - Very insightful, thanks.

Bunny - Yeah, I don't so much trust men either. As friends I do, but in relationships not so much particularly lately.

SM (again) - Agreed.

lill-rambler said...

Bunny, I agree with you re not trusting men. What's more, no-one would think anything of me, a twice divorced woman, saying I don't trust men even though I am still attracted to them. I think it's really a fairly normal situation for where I am at the moment. Hopefully not a life sentence though! So why call someone who says that about women? Weird, I think. Tru, I admire you so much for tackling these subjects. Gets the brain ticking over. Thanks!

Trueself said...

Lill - You are quite welcome. I like it when I can post something meaty occasionally.

Fiona said...

Trust and betrayal aren't gender-specific, they are human traits. You can trust and be betrayed by a man as easily as by a woman, in my opinion.

Trueself said...

Fiona - You are absolutely right. I've been betrayed by both men and women in my lifetime and trust is something I struggle with no matter who is involved. I will say though that in friendships I find that I trust men more than women. In relationships I trust neither.

Emily said...

Women can be dark and complex creatures. I hardly ever used to have women as friends, mainly for that reason, but I'm warming a lot more to women as I get older.

Your dilemma isn't unusual. I've also known gay/bi men who are afraid of men.

Trueself said...

Emily - I find I'm also warming to women, or some women anyway, as I get older.