Monday, September 24, 2007

As Promised Earlier

The Dream
I have come back from a medical procedure of some sort where I was off work just a few days. Rather than coming back to my fairly new job with a new department, I go back as agreed beforehand to my old job with my old department because they need help. When I get back there it becomes obvious that they don’t want me for a couple of days just to help out. They expect me to stay for a couple of weeks and do all the same things I used to do for month end close. However, I’m not sure the new supervisor and new department are going to be very happy about that. I try to find a way to move back into the new department right away, but the head of the old department prevents it. The new supervisor is frustrated that I am not there with them, yet the old supervisor is holding onto me tenaciously. However, in the midst of all this I have been working on a totally different project with a totally different area of the company, preparing a magazine for publication. The person for whom I have been doing this work comes to see me and is very impressed. The only frustration in this is that I keep losing the page that has my editorial on it, and I am so proud of it and want to show it off yet I keep losing it and thumbing through the pages only to find it and then lose it again. In spite of that glitch, she (who happened to be Susan Lucci in the dream; weird) is so impressed that when the CEO stops by she calls him into the conference room and starts to go over my work with him. We (they) decided we should have a full team meeting about this, and we all go over to my house where Susan Lucci brings plenty of food and wine. I spend a good deal of time getting the food laid out for us as the rest of the team is drinking wine, laughing and talking. W and N arrive home and I warn them of the gathering at the house and ask them to please stay out of the way as I am trying to impress these people and may have a whole different opportunity that would take me in a whole new direction. I’m a little intimidated by this group of people, and not quite sure I fit in well, but it would be such an exciting opportunity.

My Interpretation
The whole workplace represents my life as it is now. The old supervisor = W, the new supervisor = BJ, and this different work team = my bi friends group. I’m really wanting to transition from W to BJ, but W has a hold on me that I can’t seem to shake. BJ is frustrated with the situation, and I’m none too sure I’ll make it to that new place in life with him. My bi friends are a group that provides me with a whole different outlet for my energies and my passions. I am excited about that, but also a bit uncertain and afraid and perhaps holding myself on the edge of the group. However, I have no idea why Susan Lucci planted herself into my dream other than I’ve been watching her on All My Children for at least 30 years so she was a familiar and handy person to plunk into that role maybe.

Further Analysis
Although in a work situation the supervisors would have control and have to fight it out among themselves, in my life I have control of the direction I take if I choose to exercise that control. However, I have not so far chosen to exercise that control but have more or less handed that over to W and BJ in the hopes they would fight it out amongst themselves so that I didn’t have to make the hard decisions. That isn’t going to fly. And then here is this other group of people, my bi friends, who offer me something entirely different. It isn’t even necessarily a romantic or carnal connection, but it is definitely friendship with kindred spirits and something I’ve not experienced often in my lifetime. Friends to me have been few and far between, particularly female friends, and very rarely female friends with whom I could talk honestly about things in my life. These budding friendships are wonderful and yet something holds me back from really enjoying them because I fear that they too once they know too much of the real me will back away.

And Then Again
Maybe sometimes a dream is just a dream and means nothing.


freebird said...

Normally I'd say I belong to the school of thought that says "And then again....", but wooooooo, I can see how you've made those interpretations, in fact I'd made them myself before I even read yours!

So what are you going to do with them?

Trueself said...

FB - We are sooooooo much alike sometimes it's scary. I, too, tend to be of the "a dream is just a dream" school of thought, but this one seemed so clear to me in what it meant.

So what am I going to do with them? Hmm, good question. I will say that I am concentrating more energy into developing a base of friendships. I think one of my big problems of the past is making the man in my life the whole of my life. Relationships are a little scary for me, and when I grab hold of one I hang on for dear life. I do believe I need to cultivate for myself a group of friends so that I have more of a support network than I have had before. I don't know that I ever appreciated the value of friendship before as I am beginning to now.