Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Assorted Ramblings

Some related, some out of left field, just thoughts cluttering up my mind this morning.
• I would love it if we could get just one room fixed up so that it is an oasis from the chaos, just one place to go to rest occasionally in between unpacking and rearranging.
• W has been going to bed at the same time as me (which by the way has been early, latest since he’s been here was 10:30), but he grumbles about getting out of bed when I’m leaving for work at nearly 8:00. Sigh. . .
• Overwhelmed. That’s the overriding feeling I have right now.
• Work is my sanctuary. Thank goodness I love my work. Otherwise I think I’d spiral down into a very dark depression right now.
• I’m working in my mind on how to sit W down and tell him straight out that I want to be here to support him and care for him, but that I want a distinct change in our relationship, that I want to be more independent from him.
• I feel very selfish wanting to have time to myself. I was raised in a household where we did virtually everything as a family so I have no benchmark for what is an appropriate amount of freedom or time alone.
• One of the big questions with which I wrestle is how to balance living up to my obligations vs. requiring or requesting others to live up to theirs.
• I have explained to N about women and monthly periods and so forth. He knows I’m having my period this week so this morning he tells me, “I hope you feel better.” I give him a quizzical look not sure what he’s referencing. “With that monthly thing, ya’ know,” he says. Ahhh. . . “Thanks, N. I’ll be fine.”
• In a perfect world, I could spend my time the way I want. In the real world, I spend my time the way others want. I need to work on reconciling these two.
• In the instinctual “fight or flight” mode, I generally tend toward “flight.” Maybe that’s why running away is sounding so appealing lately.
• N keeps me grounded. If it weren’t for N I’d live my life in a different way. Because of N, I try to at least outwardly live a life as a good example to him.
• What kind of example does it set to stay with W? I’m not sure.

EDIT (12:08 p.m.)
God help me, I just read my horoscope for today:
You might not have patience today for problems brought to you by someone else, yet it may take more energy to avoid the issues than to confront them. Once you are involved, however, it's difficult to know what's real. Even if you want to believe what you hear, it's still tough to accept someone's story without delving a bit deeper. Be careful how far you dig; you may discover more than you want to know.


Fiona said...

Hi TS - I just read something on a comment and it is very appropriate here: "Be supportive but not obliged"

It's sad to hear what a mess things are again, when you had them so well worked out. Back into the whirlpool for you.

As for the example it sets for W. In my mind, I'd be worried that it is showing him that two people are remaining in a relationship where the love has died. And he may learn from this, that it is the right thing to do and go on to do it himself. I would also fear for him, the exposure of seeing parents who are at odds with each other and I'd wonder how he was feeling to see that, to be a part of it as his daily life.

Just my two cents hon. Hugs

freebird said...

Get W to fix that oasis room TODAY while you're at work!

Thank goodness for work! (I wish I went out to my work, it's very difficult to get motivated here on my own - but enough about me!)

It's not selfish to have time to yourself. There is no rule or benchmark, but if you need it it would be selfish of the other person not to allow it.

Good that your boy is being made aware that some women don't feel great at certain times, as long as it doesn't become a big deal - something to fear or dread.

Re obligations and perfect world: alas, that's life!

My two penn'orth!

Trueself said...

Fiona - I like that quote. Very appropriate.

FB - Thanks for taking the time for me with so much happening in your world. Of course, maybe it's a welcome relief to read of others' issues for a while instead of dealing with one's own. I know that I feel that way often.

Thanks to both of you for putting in your 2 cents worth. I really appreciate the input and have a great deal of respect for the both of you.