Thursday, May 24, 2007

What Does This Tell Me?

I dread tomorrow. I dread W moving up here to be with me. I dread having to deal with him face to face day in and day out.

Yet I feel an overwhelming crushing guilt that I feel this way. I feel awful that I am letting him move up here with me, that I am continuing in this sham of a marriage. I feel awful that I didn’t have the guts to go through with the separation and divorce a few months ago. I feel awful that to tell him now would mean that I’ve uprooted him once again, moved him up here only to boot him out. I can’t do that. That would be reprehensible. He deserves better treatment than that. I feel trapped in a trap that is clearly of my own making.

I lived in a fantasy world these last 3+ months, on my own, as though I were single, and I loved it, absolutely and unequivocally loved it. I don’t want to let it go. I don’t want to go back. As pathetic as it sounds I would almost rather stay in my little rental place with all its barebones trappings than to move to my nice new house with him.

How can I give back my newfound freedom? How can I go back to married life now, especially with a man I barely even love anymore? Yet that is where I’m headed tomorrow. My new life ends tomorrow, and my old life resumes right where we left off.

Can’t we stop time? Today. Just not let tomorrow come? Please. . .

12 comments:

Val said...

Strange yet true coincidences...
Tomorrow: you fall back into your rut (ouch, sorry to be so blunt!); a day that might have been my 22nd anniversary in an alternate reality...
Yet my "new life" is as much enmired in inescapable duty & routine as the old one in many ways -- still tragically intertwined w/the father of my child, still providing an irresistable force/immovable object (pick your metaphor) to true intimacy/forward progress in my 2nd marriage. Ugh.
I don't envy either one of us my dear -- sometimes it seems as if my only thread of sanity is this keyboard.

LBP said...

wow
that's heavy

I wish you good luck TS, all the good luck in the world.

Hang in there.

Uhave said...

I have to admit of being terribly jealous of you for the last 3 months. What would I give to have someone else be the parent to my son while I lived elsewhere and got the chance to do what I wanted when I wanted and only had visits from them every 2 weeks or so?
*Sigh*
You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Sucks, I say and I feel for you.

Karin's Korner said...

I am so sorry. I am sorry that you are letting the man that you don't really love move into a house with you and I am really sorry that for the past 3 1/2 months you have been free and now it seems to be crashing down. I can really really feel your pain. How in the world is this whole thing with BJ going to take place when W is back in the picture. Oh, I am sure that you will find a way but wasen't it great that you could have him over to YOUR house, you could do whatever you wanted to in YOUR house. My friend, I am so sorry it is coming to an end. Let me know if you need to talk.

Fiona said...

Sometimes we let things happen to us....we let them barrel down the road towards us and we don't move out of the way.

Stay where you are, let N and W have the house and you visit...explain that you need this right now. Could you do that?

My heart is heavy with yours right not FB, at all this going on in your life.

Nutty Man said...

Trueself
No No No you are not where you left off. But your going to need to have a really good talk with w ,the heart to heart kind. I know I'm a good one to talk to you about this. Let him know how you feel,really feel don't let him pout, I wont you to know.

Trueself said...

I don't know what to say to any of you so I'll just say thank you. Thank you for caring enough to give me your feedback. Please know that I am trying to take it to heart.

oldbear said...

Sorry truey, must hurt.

I can understand feeling bad about having to go back to W.

("UGH!" rename him please, it dont even like to use the farcking letter anymore!)

Sorry for the digression.

So feel bad about going back, but dont get down on you for yuor inability to decide.

If yuo were a selfish and mean person it would be easy. Indecision is the price you pay for your conscience and empathy!!\

HOld yuor head up! PAX. OB.

Trueself said...

OB - Thank you. Sometimes I feel like a selfish and mean person for handling things the way I am, but you are right. If I were selfish and mean it would be easy to dump the old coot. As it is, it is very difficult because I do have a conscience and I do empathize with him. After all, he is old and has counted on me to be there for him to take care of him. It feels cruel to pull the rug out from under him.

Karin's Korner said...

I understand about you thinking that you have to take care of him but remember, you have been gone for a few months and he has done it all on his own. See, he can do it. Please just be good to yourself. YOU deserve it. Sometimes we just have to do things that make ourselves happy.

freebird said...

OMG Trueself, this is particularly scary for me right now. (Sorry I hadn't read this until now.) Is there really no way you could do what Fi suggested? It seems so awful that having made your break, or at least taken a step away, you have to give it all up. Big hugs to you.

Trueself said...

Karin - Yes, you are right. He can do it. Yet I also see how ragged it has left him. I heard from him how he was just barely making it. I see the relief on his face now that he's here. Sigh. . .

FB - Thank you and big hugs right back to you too.