Anyone Seen My Brain?

My brain is just not working these days. Shut down. Shut off. It is an odd sort of a shell shocked feeling I think. I am right now overwhelmed by the emotions brought on by W moving out tomorrow. I know that just because he moves it isn't that we won't ever speak or see each other again because we have N between us. We will always have that connection, and we will always have to have some level of interaction. It isn't the same though. It is so different. Of course, it is already so different, even without him moving out. We don't ever touch one another. We don't see one another unclothed anymore. We are very careful to keep doors closed and knock before entering. We barely speak to one another. I no longer wear my wedding ring although he continues to wear his. That one fact speaks volumes about the difference in how he and I feel. Part of me feels guilty because I know that I have made W exceedingly unhappy by pushing this divorce on him, and yet there is still that part of me that rejoices at the impending freedom headed my way.

Sigh. . . . . . . . . . .

A Little Sunshine

Amidst my shades of gray I had one really great thing happen today. I got to see a woman with whom I haven't had contact in more than 25 years. We met to talk and catch up, and it was wonderful. It was more than wonderful. She is a wonderful person, genuinely nice and caring. I wish I'd gotten to know her better when we were kids as I think she could have been a very good friend to me back then. However, we really didn't know each other very well back then, and I wasn't outgoing enough to try to pursue friendships with those I didn't know well.

She has more ongoing connections with the town where we grew up so she updated me on a lot of people. I found out about those that had died, those that are gay (the boy I had a huge crush on in second grade!), the guy who lives in his parents' basement and has basically become a hermit, those classmates that are still in town and those that have moved far away, and just all the general gossip of the community. Unfortunately, she also lives on the far coast so we won't have the opportunity to get together often. However, I have no doubt that we will stay in touch via emails and phone calls from now on.

It was a four and a half hour chat we had tonight, much longer than either of us expected. We ended only when the establishment at which we met closed down for the night. Until then, we had no idea we'd talked that long.

Shades of Gray

Sorry about yesterday's very short, very cryptic post. That was only because in my sleepiness I was trying to not miss a day for Blog 365 but didn't have the brain power to actually write anything.

I'm not sure I have the brain power to write anything today either, but I'm going to try.

It is surprising to me, but not to those that have been through similar situations, just how strong the emotions are that I'm experiencing over W moving out. Wow. Talk about feeling like somebody punched you in the gut.

So layered on top of that going on, BJ was actually in the area this weekend. That is something I should be thrilled about. And I am. However, I have this thick gray cloud hanging over me. At least BJ understands my feelings. He felt similar when he made his break last summer. I feel bad though that I couldn't pay 100% attention to him yesterday when we were together. I feel bad that I cried on his shoulder about it. I feel bad that I might once again be giving him the wrong message, the message that I don't wholeheartedly want to be with him. He assures me that all is well, and I hope that is the truth.

This morning I am sitting here, listening to N play with a friend that we allowed to spend the night. What was I thinking allowing that with all that is going on around me? Just trying to cram as much in as I can to push out the gray. I will admit though that I will be happy when N's friend goes home later, and W comes home from church and can spend time with N, and maybe just maybe, I can have some time to put my head straight.

Nada

I got nothing today. Nothing at all. Maybe tomorrow.

Involvement in Faith

I have been asked to participate in the committee on Progressive Christianity at my church. I will be an interesting participant since I have a bit more conservative viewpoint than several others participating. That's good though. It is always good to have a voice of dissent in any group whether it's a liberal amongst the conservatives, a conservative amongst the liberals, or an eclectic like me in just about any group.

I will admit to total ignorance to what was meant by "progressive Christianity" until the meeting last night. Apparently there is an entire website devoted to it, and I've just begun my studies of it. I already see good and bad in it. As I learn more I'm sure I'll expound more here on the issues that arise.

In case you aren't interested in browsing the website, here are their Eight Points:

By calling ourselves progressive, we mean we are Christians who...
1. Have found an approach to God through the life and teachings of Jesus.
2. Recognize the faithfulness of other people who have other names for the way to God's realm, and acknowledge that their ways are true for them, as our ways are true for us.
3. Understand the sharing of bread and wine in Jesus's name to be a representation of an ancient vision of God's feast for all peoples
4. Invite all people to participate in our community and worship life without insisting that they become like us in order to be acceptable
5. Know that the way we behave toward one another and toward other people is the fullest expression of what we believe.
6. Find more grace in the search for understanding than we do in dogmatic certainty - more value in questioning than in absolutes.
7. Form ourselves into communities dedicated to equipping one another for the work we feel called to do: striving for peace and justice among all people, protecting and restoring the integrity of all God's creation, and bringing hope to those Jesus called the least of his sisters and brothers
8. Recognize that being followers of Jesus is costly, and entails selfless love, conscientious resistance to evil, and renunciation of privilege.

So far so good. I have lots of study in front of me.

Little to Say

Not much to say today. I have a special weekend planned.

Originally, it was going to be a full weekend with a date with woman I know on Friday and then meeting a couple for some adult fun on Saturday.

Then the woman canceled on me for Friday way early on.

Then BJ and I got back together, and I wasn't quite sure what to do about the Saturday plans. I didn't even talk to him about it until earlier this week at which time I checked with the female half of the couple to see if Saturday was still on. It was not. Their plans had changed. I was bummed. It looked like it was going to be a boring weekend this weekend, full of family angst and helping W pack his things for his move next week.

Lo and behold a day or two ago things changed. I will be enjoying this weekend very much with someone very special to me. This is totally unexpected and totally wonderful. Now I am looking forward to the weekend very much.

Six Word Memoir

When words fail it's always nice to fall back on a quiz or a meme for fodder for blog posts. I had the good fortune today, while struggling with something to say here, to visit The Silent Male's blog and find I'd been tagged for a meme. Imagine the horror embarrassment pride with which I read his explanation of why he tagged me -- "because I think she likes memes." Does the man know me, or does he know me?

Rules of the meme:

1. Write your own six word memoir
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible, so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere
4 Tag five more blogs with links
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

Hmm, only six words eh? For someone as wordy as I am that could prove difficult, but let's give it a shot, shall we?

Educated nerd, living black sheep life.

Yep, I like it. It fits. It feels comfortable and quite descriptive of me.

Now the hard part, tagging five more. That's too hard for now at least. I'll think about it and come back later and edit them in.

This is Hard

W will be moving out a week from today. I should be overjoyed. This is what I wanted. So why am I feeling so sad about all this? Why have I been flooded with tears and emotional outbursts? Guess you just don't throw away a 20+ year relationship easily.

At least my counselor is helping me get through it. She is so wonderful at understanding what I'm trying to say even when I struggle to put the words together. She can take my fragments and say back to me a perfectly coherent and insightful understanding of what it is I am thinking. She is even going to have an extra session with me this week. It sounds like W is not going to continue with her, but I need some support from somewhere. I feel a little lost and a little shell shocked by all of this. These emotions kind of sneaked up on me and took me by surprise. At least I've developed a little network of friends not to mention my online friends whom I appreciate more than you can imagine.

Anybody wanna come over and drink wine with me next Tuesday night as I alternately celebrate and mourn W moving out?

Blue Monday

I learned something today. I learned that even though I am absolutely certain that divorce is the correct path for W and me that there is still grieving that I have to do over the loss of this marriage. I found myself crying as I was listening to:
Who Will Take Care Of Me
by Jon Secada

I had never really listened to the words before, or at least they didn't mean as much to me before me. I sat at my desk working, with the tears flowing, and realized that I really haven't grieved this loss. I spent so much time grieving the (temporary) loss of BJ that I never really grieved over this. Now, that isn't to say that people around me don't think I have grieved the marriage end. That is what they thought all my BJ grieving was divorce grieving. It was a good cover story at the time. Now they're probably thinking "So get over it already!" The reality is that I'm just starting to grieve. I imagine that the move towards W moving out has brought this over me. I'll get through it. I don't feel devastated by this, just sad. I'm just getting around to facing the sadness, but to get over it you have to move through it. So here I go, heading into it. Hopefully, it's going to be a short trip to the other side. In the meantime I think I'll set that Jon Secada CD up on a shelf.

And Then Some Things Come Easy

After a rocky start to the day and continuing throughout the day to get rockier until finally I went for a drive just to get out of the house and the animosity. I came to the realization as I drove that I had to ask W, tonight, to get out of the house ASAP. It just ain't working, not at all.

My intention was to have that talk right after N went to bed tonight. However, I got home this evening to have W tell me that he is going to move out soon. He looked at a few places while we were gone to my parents' and hopes to soon know exactly when and where he will be moving. He talked to N about it while I was gone. N's biggest concern was whether W would be within a bike ride away, and W said that he probably would be. When he told me where we was looking at places he's right, one would be a bit of a stretch but the others would definitely be bikeable for a nine-year-old.

Alrighty then. Maybe every step in this process doesn't have to be agonizing. Whew!

Happy Easter?

Hope all you readers (yeah, all four of you) are having a nice Easter Sunday. Mine has had it's ups and downs so far, and we're only about halfway through the afternoon.

Good stuff about today:
*N loved his Easter basket goodies: chocolate bunny, peanut butter cups, socks, slippers, Spiderman temporary tattoos and a Captain Underpants book. The Easter Bunny knows his audience well.
*Church was good, crowded but not overly so, and the pastor gave a good sermon.
*Lunch with N was at my favorite restaurant and included a piece of decadent mint brownie pie to go. It's still in the refrigerator for later.
*I got to sleep in until 8:30.

Bad stuff about today:
*W and N got into it first thing this morning causing W to storm out of the house saying he might be back today as he slammed the door. This caused me to wonder where the adults are here.
*W attended church but refused to speak to N or me, and when I walked up to him during coffee hour to ask him if he would be having lunch with N and me he said no. Guess it's good I came home specifically so that W could be part of our Easter celebration.
*W ambled in a little after we finished an Easter egg hunt with N and one of his buddies in our front yard. W was miffed that he missed it. After his earlier comment I didn't realize I should wait for him to come home for the hunt. Silly me.

So we've had our ups and downs today. Right now N is happily playing with friends, I'm watching March Madness and W is sitting with me drinking coffee and looking sullen. Life goes on. . .



In other news, I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed that I was trying to seduce W apparently because he had once again begged me to stay and the only way I would was if he would agree to sex. He promised we would. We went up to the bedroom. He kept making one excuse after another to put it off. I tried to kiss him. He turned and walked away. I tried several times to start something and each time was rebuffed. I said to him that he had done nothing to change my mind about our situation, and he looked hurt. That's all of the dream that I remember. I see it as kind of the last two years all played out in one afternoon in the dream. Just like I told him in the dream "It is too late to turn back now."

My Family Ought to Live in Egypt

Denial -- so much more than a river in Egypt.

My family lives in such denial about so many things. My parents probably raised two of the most dysfunctional human beings ever, but in their eyes nothing could be farther from the truth. While they may sit and complain about us in private to one another they put on the happy face for the rest of the world and like to pretend we are the all American family.

When N and I arrived without W, my mom asked where W was, and I told her he didn't come with us. She said in a most disbelieving voice, "Nooooo, where is he really?" I had to tell her several times that he wasn't with us for her to believe it. When we got inside she asked why W wasn't with us, and I told her we were having problems and don't do much together anymore. I was trying to come up with the right words for telling her about the divorce, but she quickly changed the subject once she found out there is trouble in paradise. She clearly didn't want to go there so I dropped the conversation too.

All weekend I waited for the subject to reemerge but it did not. Nobody said a thing about the 400 lb Gorilla sitting in the family room as we watched the NCAA tournament. We talked a lot. We talked about college basketball. We talked about the flooding that is not too near but not too far from where my parents live. We talked about politics and the presidential race. We talked about N and how much he's grown and how mature he is getting. We talked and talked and talked. Not one word was said about W, by any of us.

As I drove home today I decided to inform them of the impending divorce in a letter. That's the example they've always set. That's how they informed me about Dad breaking his leg a couple of years ago. If it's uncomfortable to talk let's just send a letter. What a bizarre family dynamic we have.

Bleah.

Deep Breathing

Taking a few deep breaths before I embark on my journey to my parents' house today. We'll be leaving after lunch so we will be there in time for dinner. This is not going to be fun. It is particularly not going to be fun given that N is in a nasty mood today. Oh boy, three hours in a car with a grumpy kid. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

So I'm taking a few deep breaths, and crossing my fingers, and hoping for the best.

There will be no post tomorrow as I will not have internet access, but I'll be back on Saturday and will hopefully post a little something then even if it's late.

A Small Vignette from Life

Scene: TS sitting at work slaving in front of computer mining data from the data warehouse. Her phone rings. She picks it up noting her home phone number on the caller ID display.

TS: [TS's Employer]Finance Department. This is TS.
N: Hi Mom. It’s N.
TS: Hi N. How are you?
N: Good. You remember those goggles you bought me at Target a while back? Dad can’t find them. He put them away someplace and can’t remember where.
TS: I’m sorry to hear that.
N: Do you know where they are?
TS: No honey, I’m sorry I don’t where he put them.
N: Do you want to talk to Dad?
TS: Do you want me to?
N: (muffled) Dad! Mom wants to talk to you.

TS waits a few seconds while noises of the phone being clanked around annoys entertains her.

W: Hello?
TS: I just want to tell you the conversation N and I just had so he doesn’t relate it to you differently.

TS shares the above exchange with W.

W: I found a pair of goggles, but he isn’t happy with them.
TS: Well tough shit then. He’ll get over it.
W: Yeah (not sounding convinced)
TS: Let me talk to your son.
W: (muffled) N! Mom wants to talk to you.
N: Yeah Mom?
TS: Dad says he found goggles.
N: Yeah but they aren’t the right ones. These have to be so tight to keep the water out that it makes my head hurt.
TS: I swam as a kid with no goggles at all.
N: Did you get used to it?
TS: Yeah
N: Well I don’t.
TS: (said in a concerned tone) Then maybe you shouldn’t go swimming today. Would you like me to ask Dad to pick you up from day camp before they swim this afternoon?
N: (mumbles something)
TS: What?
N: Bye Mom.
TS: Bye N.

Perhaps that exchange didn’t go the way N wanted, but I thought it went rather well myself.

Sometimes I Wish I Weren’t So Approachable

That headline isn’t exactly true. I’m glad N feels like he can ask me questions about reproduction. I just wish I felt more comfortable discussing it as he stares wide eyed at me as I describe things to him, and yes folks, I describe things in detail to him, very clinically but in such a way that he will understand what I am saying.

Last night’s discussion revolved around sperm – where it comes from, how it fertilizes the egg, how it gets to the egg, and so forth. Oh yes, it was a mighty detailed discussion. He had questions, lots of questions. I had answers and did my best to deliver them in a nonchalant nothing-phases-me tone. I must have done okay with that because he never seemed to get uncomfortable with asking more questions. I’d be surprised if N isn’t the best informed nine-year-old in the neighborhood by now. At least I know he’s getting the right information and not some other kid’s version of some bogus thing his older brother told him.

Oh yes, we also discussed the actual birthing of babies. He started off with the question “Does it hurt when the baby comes out?” That led to a discussion of the size of a baby’s head and the normal size of the opening through which the baby exits the mommy. The look on his face when I used my hands to illustrate the difference in those two sizes was priceless.

All of this discussion started when he heard something on TV about a girl of 12 who had a baby. It occurred to him that she was only three years older than he is, and he couldn’t imagine that she could take care of a baby. You got that one right son. I’m hoping that by discussing all these things openly with him that it will help him make better decisions than some of his peers do as they navigate the rough waters of puberty. He’s still at that stage where the process required for conception sounds really gross to him for which I am thankful. I would be even more thankful if he would keep that attitude until he’s about 30, but I know that won’t happen. That’s why I’m trying to arm him with as much accurate information as I can when he asks questions and why I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open. I’m also trying, but not always succeeding, to keep my face from turning bright red during these discussions.

I’m Not Who People See

To the world I present myself as a “normal” everyday person. People tend to see me as mainstream and somewhat conservative. The interesting thing to me is that I do not intentionally perpetuate these myths. I suppose it is the fact that I am not “over the top” weird that keeps people from thinking of me as less than the typical Midwestern small town girl all grown up and behaving myself. I have no piercings other than the ears (only one hole each), no tattoos (though I have two in mind that I intend to get at some point), and no pink in my hair (pink seems to be the “in” highlight hair color these days). I don’t dress provocatively at all, wear little to no makeup and just don’t look the part I guess for anything but a prude. I am comfortable with how I dress and don’t dress in a particular way to send a particular message. I dress the way I do because it is comfortable. I’m all about the sensible shoes because they are comfortable. I’m all about the high collars because then I don’t worry about my bra straps showing. I’m all about the longer skirts because then my legs don’t get cold. It’s all about the comfort, not the “message.” Also, if you ever see me in designer anything it would be because I picked it up at a thrift store for $5 without a clue that it was designer. I once had people rave about a purse I had because it was a knockoff of [I have no idea who] but I had only bought it because I liked its functionality and it was on sale for a decent price. The point is I dress for comfort, not to project the image of anything. That’s just not how I work.

This has come up more than once among my friends in the bi group. Their perception of me is that I’m very quiet and conservative and most likely shocked by some of the things they say and do. Nothing could be further from the truth! Nobody has ever shocked me with any of their stories from their lives. As a matter of fact I believe they would be shocked to learn some things about me, and I know they have been shocked by a few tidbits I’ve shared here and there (mention of the recent FWB being just one).

My thoughts about this are spurred by trying to look at myself and see what it is that I am projecting to the world, what I would like to be projecting to the world, what I really am, and seeing what changes I might need to make to align those elements with one another. I am an enigma of sorts. I do not fit stereotypes. My values, my beliefs and my outlook on life sometimes can seem contradictory to those who don’t understand me and yet they make perfect sense to me.

I guess I just want people to stop being shocked that it doesn’t bother me if they smoke weed in front of me. I want people to stop being shocked when I share the number of sexual partners I’ve had. I want people to stop being shocked that I enjoy the occasional alcoholic drink. I want people to understand that just because it disgusts me when drugs or alcohol or anything potentially destructive become more important in someone’s life than anything else it doesn’t mean that I condemn the behavior in moderation. I want people to stop being shocked that the person I am inside is not what they thought it would be based on the outer packaging. I want people to be willing to get to know me, the real me, before assuming that I “must be” this or that based on my looks.

The L Word

Spent last night with the bi group. We had a marathon watching session of The L Word, the Showtime series about lesbians living and loving in LA. I had never seen it before. We started with the pilot episode and watched the first nine episodes of the first season. I slept through parts of episode 6 and virtually all of episodes 7 and 8. However, what I did watch I liked.



C attended also and rode with me. She often rides with me since her car isn't in very good shape. She annoyed me more this weekend than ever before. Suffice it to say that the crush I had on her a while back has long since dissipated. I still consider her to be my best friend, but she really has some traits that annoy the crap out of me. She can't be on time to save her life. She was adamant that we had to leave town by 4:00 yesterday so we would get to the party on time. I wanted to leave after the Illini basketball game was over and arrive at the party late. Oh no, she had to be there no later than the stated starting time of the party which was 6:00. Given that it would only take an hour and a half to get there we didn't need to leave by 4:00, but she called me twice yesterday afternoon to make sure I was going to pick her up at 4:00. Being just an itty bitty bit passive aggressive I decided I would leave my house at 4:00 so it would be between 4:10 and 4:15 when I picked her up. Just as I was leaving the house C called my cell phone again and asked if I was at her house yet. I said no, that I'd just left home and was on my way. She wasn't even home! She had gone out and wanted me to wait for her when I got to her house. Good grief. So I drove to her house and called her to find out how soon she'd be there. She told me she was in the checkout line at the grocery store, and she would be there in a few minutes. Around 4:30 she showed up then loaded my car down with more crap than I would need to take for a week long trip.

I could go on, but I won't. Suffice it to say that for the entire event C continued to do little crap that annoyed me no end. Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe I'm having PMS. Maybe I'm just an evil bitch with no patience.

The party, in spite of C annoying me, was a lot of fun. We had some great munchies, even some really healthy options like fresh veggies with hummus and fresh fruit with a chocolate fountain (c'mon we had to have chocolate, we are women after all). I found out that blue raspberry vodka mixed with cranberry juice is really tasty. I found out that I'm the only one in our group who doesn't smoke weed. I've got nothing against those who smoke weed, and I've tried it a couple of times, but it just doesn't do anything for me so I don't see a reason to smoke it. Watching The L Word with other bi women was fun as we discussed which of the women on the show were turn ons and which turn offs and why. We are an interesting group as we all thought that the women on The L Word are too damned skinny with barely any boobs. Bleah. We all agree we like our women to have a little more flesh on the bones.

All in all, it was a good weekend. It would have been a great weekend if the Illini would have beaten Wisconsin today and made it into the big dance. Oh well, can't have everything I suppose.

Because It's Easier Just to Post a Meme

I found (read stole) this from another blog because I liked it. If you do too, then feel free to steal it! I’m all about petty thievery, particularly when suffering from writer's block.

What if I could meet someone in the art world to chat with – Being completely non-artistic I would find it fascinating to listen to them talk about how they go about creating their pieces. Whether painting, drawing, sculpture, whatever, I would be completely enthralled to hear them talk about their work.

What if I could have one wish granted for the benefit of all mankind – An equitable worldwide food distribution system so that no one need be hungry for one more day.

What if I could travel anywhere in the world – I’ve always wanted to do an around the world cruise, not likely to be affordable unless I win the lottery one day. However, if I could I would enjoy cruising around the world visiting as many ports of call as possible and seeing as much as possible.

What if I could live in a period other than the present, for 24 hours – When Jesus was here on earth teaching. There are so many things about that time that I would not like as I have become accustomed to my cushy modern life filled with conveniences and technology, but for 24 hours I would enjoy being in that time and getting a sense of the world and its culture and society at that time.

What if I could make over three areas of my body – Let’s see, I’d lift “the girls” so they were perky and pointing forward rather than downward. Then I’d erase the many stretch marks that cover my hips and thighs. While I was down there I’d get rid of some of the bubble butt I have.

What if I could become an animal for 24 hours – I’d probably want to be an elephant. Why, you ask? Well, they are big so not considered prey in general (short of ivory hunters). They are strong and smart and vegetarian. What’s not to like? Besides it’d be way cool to pick things up with my nose.

What if I could bring someone back to life for 24 hours – This is a tough one. I have two I thought of right away so I’d have to decide between the two of them. My first thought was my Grandma (dad’s mom) because I loved her so much and miss her horribly still even though she’s been dead more than ten years. However, I think I would go with the second person who came to mind, my Granddaddy (mom’s dad). I loved him a whole lot too, and he died much too young thanks to hard living. I don’t know as much about him as I’d like because the family didn’t want to talk about his alcoholism, his stints in jail, etc. I would love to hear his stories from him. I would love to spend one more evening walking around town with him, stopping in the train yard to look in the boxcars, and stopping at the ice cream stand for a small chocolate cone. Also, Granddaddy would’ve liked this meme because it’s full of what he called “whatifers.” And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wipe from my eyes the tears that arose unbidden as I typed this.

Words or Actions

Given that today’s horoscope seems to describe where I am perfectly:

Although you might think that your social life has been busy recently, the activity could pick up another notch with the Sun, Uranus, Venus and Mercury all in your 11th House of Friends. Still, you may not have a lot to say these days, preferring to share food, music or other sensual experiences beyond the world of words.

I think I’ll just go with the flow with the plans for the weekend which includes attending a soccer mini-tournament in which N will be playing and a bi group sleepover with L Word marathon. Both of those activities will allow for sharing of “experiences beyond the world of words.”

Maybe it’s that not having a lot to say these days thing that is leading to the lack of substantive posts here lately.

Only 72 Days In

Only 72 days into Blog 365, and I blew it. I knew I was blowing it last night. I intended to post in the evening after dinner. I didn’t intend to get sick to my stomach over dinner, but I did. So I went to bed immediately after dinner. Yes, it was only around 8:30 or so. No, I didn’t immediately go to sleep. Yes, I was miserable. No, I didn’t throw up. I hate throwing up and will involuntarily fight against throwing up. I thought last night that I would have felt ever so much better if I could just throw up and get it all out, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m still not feeling great today, but I’m taking things easy and not really eating much, just drinking clear liquids for now. I really think my only problem was overeating yesterday due to a combination of stresses that triggered a binge pattern. Dang it, I was doing so well. Ah well, if you fall off the horse you just get back in the saddle and try to ride again. Today I’m climbing back on the healthy eating horse instead of the binging horse.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll post a real post later today.

Still Breaking the News

So W and I still talk to our counselor, but now we talk to her separately. He deals with whatever with her that he feels is needed, and I do the same. We don't share with one another what is said in our separate counseling sessions. I am feeling so much stronger, and the counselor has said that she can tell that I am stronger than I was when she first met me over a year ago.

In counseling tonight, I have no idea what issues W may have talked about, but I dealt with having to tell my parents about the impending divorce. I am not looking forward to telling them because I know they will think that I should suck it up and stay in the marriage. They will base that opinion on their religious belief that once you are married you are obligated to stay married whether the marriage was a mistake or not. My parents have learned over the years to tolerate one another. They do not claim to love one another. They are big on honoring obligations. They married some 48 years ago obligating themselves to spend their lives together so they have. They have found ways to work around each other. It is sad. It is an example, but the example it sets for me is one of how I do not want to spend the rest of my life. I do not want to simply exist with someone I can learn to tolerate when I have to and ignore when I can. So next week I will be telling Mom and Dad that my marriage is over. If I don't tell them, it will become obvious as N and I arrive for a visit without W and me no longer wearing my wedding ring. I hope to get the courage to tell them on the phone this weekend before next week's visit, but if the courage isn't there I will tell them face to face once I arrive on their doorstep for a short visit next Thursday. It will be better to tell them on the phone prior to the visit for then I can do it without N present. It will also allow time for the news to sink in before they see me.

Once my parents have been told, I will have the hardest parts of the newsbreaking completed. First was W, then N, now my parents. Those were the only people that it was/is hard for me to tell. With everyone else, from friends to coworkers, it hasn't been too hard. As a matter of fact, I often smile when I tell people because to me it is a happy thing more than a sad thing. The divorce is more of a relief of a burden than a burden itself. Not that it has been a piece of cake, but I'm getting to the place where the good is more and more outweighing the bad.

OMG, I Almost Went a Whole Day Without a Post

Ah, I was thinking my last post was done today, but it wasn't. Yikes, what a bad Blog 365 blogger I would be to skip a day. Thank goodness I woke up after falling asleep somewhere along about 8:00 p.m. tonight so I could post this bit of nothing.

I have nothing more to say right now. Oh, except thanks for all the kind comments to my last post. You are all too kind.

Hopefully, tomorrow will find me a bit more eloquent. . . or at the very least with a little something to say.

Oh well, here's an interesting tidbit:

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Maybe I should change careers. I ain't making near that much as a beancounter.

The Brothers Grimm Never Wrote Anything Like This

Once upon a time, there were three lonely, insecure, and immature people. Somehow these three people would be thrown together in an episode of life that seemingly had nothing but tragedy and heartache as an epilogue. However, life seldom goes according to the "shoulds" and the "oughts" and little did they know how each of their three lives would change for the better through their interesting and sad triangle.

The first person in this triangle, oh let's call her TS for now, was a married middle-aged woman in an unhappy marriage. She felt trapped and unable to move on. She wanted desperately to have her life back as her own but was too scared to try to make it on her own. She stayed in her marriage and made a fairly common mistake. She decided to lie and cheat rather than confront the problems. She wasted a lot of time seeking physical solace outside the marriage. Life became more complicated though when TS met and fell in love with the second person in this triangle, a man, oh let's call him BJ for the purposes of this story. BJ was also married and also unhappy in his marriage. This made their love complicated, but their love was very real. Being not very mature TS expected a lot of BJ but expected BJ to understand her weaknesses and hesitations. She refused to leave her marriage even after BJ had taken the step to leave his. TS convinced herself that she was in the right to try to juggle it all, to keep the facade of marriage intact and hold on to the man that she loved with all her heart. Without a doubt, TS's actions contributed to the problems that arose.

As mentioned before, the second person in this triangle was BJ. BJ was also a liar and cheater when he met TS. He had hoped for love for a long time but had settled for many unsatisfying trysts with women who were, for one reason or another, not really available to him. He fell in love with TS, started making long term plans with her and even left his wife. Once he was out of his marriage it was disheartening to him that TS continued in her marriage in spite of her complaints about it. BJ started to doubt that TS would ever get out of her marriage, and at one point, he met another woman, let's just call her Ser for this story, one who was divorced and available. He was attracted to Ser and decided to pursue a relationship with her. He still loved TS but with her unavailability and the connection he felt with Ser it seemed to be best to leave TS behind and be with Ser. Not that being with Ser would be easy for BJ knew it would not as they faced some big obstacles, not the least of which was that Ser lived far away from BJ, farther even than TS had and that had been a problem, but Ser said so many things he wanted to hear that he really wanted to believe that life would finally be good for him with Ser.

The third party to this triad, Ser, was a woman who, like TS and BJ, was lonely and had suffered a failed marriage. She also had her share of men, some of whom she felt a strong attraction, but none of whom were long term partnership material for one reason or another. Ser knew BJ was involved with TS and felt some remorse that TS would be hurt by her relationship with BJ, but she was drawn to BJ and couldn't bring herself to turn away from him. She pursued him vigorously and hoped that she had found in BJ a man who would be the right one for her.

In the end, Ser and BJ ended up not being right for one another. However, having BJ in the picture helped Ser's lover to leave his wife and move in with Ser so Ser may get her happily ever after. BJ leaving TS spurred TS to make the big leap into divorce from her husband so that TS would be available for a real relationship in the future. As for BJ he learned that things aren't always as they appear, and he did some growing up, getting some of his priorities and points of view adjusted. All in all, some good things came out of some bad situations and bad decisions for all three in this triangle.

Now, who is the villain in this story? Is there one? Is there a victim anywhere or a hero? Not in my mind. What I see here are three people who for their own misguided reasons made some bad decisions. Is any one of us blameless? Hardly. Is any one of us despicable or evil? I think not. We all do what we think is best at the time and try to learn something from our mistakes.

I will admit that I tell this story to defend myself as I know that many will not understand what has happened this weekend nor will they think that I am making wise decisions about my life. I understand that people like to see things as black and white, but the reality is that there are many shades of gray.

With all that said, those who were placing bets should now settle up. BJ and I are reconciling. We talked at length this weekend. We dealt with our issues. We came to an understanding. Life ain't no fairy tale and whether our story will have a happy ending is yet to be known, but we are happy to be together again.

Let the fireworks begin.

Should I Just Hide in My Cave Then?

Today's horoscope:

A social event can get completely out of hand if too many strong emotions are expressed too quickly. Everyone has his or her own set of needs, which can complicate your life as each person tries to control what's happening. The problem is that no one can make things return to normal. Letting go of previous expectations can liberate you from a frustrating cycle.

Good gravies, how eerily appropriate for today.

Good thing I have a guardian angel watching over from just a couple of hours away. ;-)


BTW, turns out yesterday's stupidity was maybe not so stupid after all. Sometimes I'm stronger than I think.

Mysterious, eh? Gotta figure it all out myself before I know how to share it.

Thoughts

I thought I had it all together. I thought it was getting better. I stumbled. I fell. I made a stupid offer. I thought it was accepted. I guess it wasn't. When will I learn?

Oops, never mind. Guess it was accepted. I worry too much and jump to too many conclusions. Oh geez. Now what have I done? Probably something very stupid. . .

Two Memes for the Price of One

Within the last week, I've had one person tag me with a meme, and one send me an email that I'm turning into a meme.

First, bless her heart Val tagged me for a meme. Never one to intentionally disappoint a friend of course I'll go along here.

Here are the rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

I've done somewhat similar memes before so I will probably repeat myself at least on a couple of items because I'm too damned lazy to go back through my archives and check.


Six non-important things/habits/quirks about me:

(1) When I sleep by myself, which is pretty much all the time these days, I sleep in the center of the bed surrounded by four pillows and hugging another pillow. I have a real hard time sleeping if I don't have something or someone to hug.

(2) I adore crunchy granola bars but hate chewy granola bars. I particularly like using crunchy granola bars to dip in cherry yogurt. That plus a banana is my favorite breakfast.

(3) I hate wearing shoes and go barefoot as frequently as possible, including when I'm sitting at my desk at work.

(4) I am an NPR junkie, particularly on the weekends, listening to Car Talk, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, This American Life, and a Prairie Home Companion. During the week, I like to listen to All Things Considered and whatever random thing happens to be on when I'm in the car.

(5) I once drove an RV several miles down the interstate before remembering the jar of sun tea sitting on the roof. I pulled over, climbed up the ladder on the back of the RV and retrieved the jar which had miraculously stayed in place.

(6) When I eat M&M's I eat one color at a time in a specific order: brown, red, yellow, green, and then orange and blue alternating one orange then one blue until they're gone.

Tagging nobody, but if anybody wants to take up the gauntlet let me know in the comments so I can come check out your answers.
-----------------------------------------------

Here's the second one that I got in an email from Karin of Karin's Korner.

SCATTERGORIES...it's harder than it looks!
*Use the 1st letter of your first name to answer each of the following...
*they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
*Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH BY THE WAY IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS)
*You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl.
*Copy/Paste, answer and forward to your friends including the person who sent it, or if you're turning it into a meme tag a few friends if you'd like.

1. What is your name?
First question, and I already have a problem. Do I use Trueself or my real name? Hmm. . . I guess I'll go with my real name J****.

2. 4 letter word....
Jade

3. Vehicle.......
Jaguar

5. Boy Name......
James

6. Girl Name.......
Judith

7. Drink.......
Jack & Coke

8. Occupation......
Jeweler

9. Something you wear.....
Jacket

10. Celebrity......
Julia Roberts

11. Food.......
Jelly Doughnuts

12. Something found in a bathroom.....
Jar

13. Reason for Being Late........
Jammed my finger

14. Character..........
Joker

15. Something you shout......
Jerk!

16. Animal.......
Junebug

17. Body part.........
Jugular

18. Word to describe you....
Juicy

Good Luck to whoever wants to do this next....


I also got an email this past week asking some questions about bisexuality. I will answer those in an upcoming post, but it may be a few days before I get to it.

Uncertainty

Not sure if I feel more like this:


or like this:


I guess it's a little bit of both.

Worrisome, Weary, Wacky, Weird W

It takes so little time for the rollercoaster to head downhill again.

W is being an absolute dumbass about things now. After a perfectly wonderful weekend with N (according to both N and W), yesterday somehow things fell apart between the two of them. At one point as he was going on about how N treats him I asked, “Well, who is the adult in the situation?” To which W answered, “I’m not sure there is one.” Ah, a bit of truth ekes out occasionally.

Plus W was in a car accident yesterday, again, and yes it was his fault, again. Of course, according to him it was my fault even though I wasn’t in or near either vehicle when the accident happened. If it weren’t for me though he wouldn’t have been in that place at that time, wouldn’t have turned left in front of oncoming traffic and wouldn’t have been hit. Oh yeah, I see it now. It’s clearly my fault. Silly me. I’m surprised the police didn’t ticket me in absentia.

Topping things off, although I’ve been asking for a couple of weeks for W to work out plans with me for N’s spring break week it suddenly became W’s top priority today. . . over the phone. . . while I’m at work. It couldn’t possibly wait until later this evening. No, this needed to be dealt with right now, this minute. No matter what my suggestion was, it didn’t make W happy. Eventually we kind of agreed to a plan, but even now we don’t have it all figured out. Enough though that I guess he’s satisfied for now. When I told him I planned to take a couple of days off and take N to see my parents during spring break, he asked if I wanted him to go with us. Um, that would be a no. I was surprised he even had to ask.

Into every life a little rain must fall, and apparently into every divorce a dumbass must develop.

I’m sure I’ve done my share of being a dumbass lately too. I just wouldn’t want to admit to it. However, if I really get honest then yes, I’ve gotten fairly petty at times about things. Better to take the high road, but sometimes the low road is just too tempting. Sometimes it just feels good momentarily to stick it to W even when I realize that it isn’t the best thing to do. Most of the time I do try to cooperate and work with him to make the best of this situation, but there are times when I can’t resist the subtle dig, the well-timed verbal barb hurled his way. I am my father’s daughter after all, and Dad is the best at the well placed hurtful comment. Find their weak spot and go in for the kill, that’s our family motto.



Moral of the story:

Life without W (like last weekend) is very good. Life with W is very bad. Choose the good life over the bad one.

From One Good Weekend to the Next

As soon as W gets N off to school this Friday he is leaving town for the weekend, the whole weekend, to go fishing with some friends of his. They are going two states away for this fishing extravaganza. Yay! A whole weekend, in my house, without W! Yay! I am so excited. N and I are going to have a great time, don’t know what we’ll do for sure but we won’t have to worry about W getting in the way for a change.

In other good news, N reported to me that he and W got along better this past weekend than they have in a very long time. Whew! There for a while when W was at his worst I was concerned that I was going to have to fight to get sole custody with supervised visits for W. Now it seems things have settled down, and maybe it is going to be okay for them to have some weekends together. That is such a relief.

Yes, life is moving forward in a good way. I have new friends that I enjoy. I am spending time outside of the house with other people far more often than I have in years. I am learning, slowly but getting there, that I can survive on my own if I have to do so. My counselor is helping me be more assertive in dealing with those who would try to guilt me into things. I am learning to stand up for myself and put my needs closer to the top of the priority list. I am learning to be the real me instead of the façade. For the moment the rollercoaster seems to have slowed and is on a fairly high level. I’m trying not to anticipate the next sudden drop even though I’m sure there will be something along the way. No life is a smooth ride all the time.

May I just share a snippet about Denny’s at 3:00 a.m.? I’m going to whether you wanted me to or not. Denny’s at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night/Sunday morning is an interesting place. What kind of people are up at 3:00 a.m. looking for greasy diner food? Well, let’s just say that they don’t tend to be a sedate group. Many have come from bars after closing time, and quite a few of those appear to have had just a few drinks, perhaps one would even say a couple of drinks too many. Alcohol seems to have the effect on many of causing the volume of their voice to be raised to a level so that the entire restaurant is filled with their sounds. Drunks tend to be belligerent with wait staff, and God bless anyone willing to work the graveyard shift at Denny’s on the weekend. They also tend to get belligerent with other tables of inebriated diners. It is quite the spectacle. Amazingly enough, when two tables cleared out within moments of one another the place went from a cacophony so loud you could barely hear yourself think to almost total silence. I literally felt my ears relax. I wouldn’t have missed being there for the world though. It is so nice to talk with others who are going through similar situations as we travel the path to divorce, and at Denny’s in spite of the cacophony it was still easier to carry on a conversation than it had been earlier at the dance club with the music blaring.

I love my life. I do. I wouldn’t have said that even a week ago, but this weekend proved to me once again that it is the choices I make that make the difference between a happy life and a miserable one. I can choose to hole up as a hermit and be miserable, or I can choose to seek out new friends, reestablish some connections to old friends, and get out there in the world and enjoy myself. I choose the latter option. It is by far the better of the two.

Quite the Weekend

My oh my. It would take a weekend to tell everything that happened this weekend, but I don't have time for that right now.

Cliff's notes version:
Friday night - Out with the bi group for dinner at an Italian restaurant followed by a visit to a strip club. Had my first chocolate martini (but it won't be my last!) that night. Spent the night with one of the group (minds out of gutter, I slept on the couch) after we got in about 2:00 a.m. Got a call during dinner from someone I didn't expect to hear from with news of another relationship gone sour. Turns out Karma works quickly sometimes.

Saturday - Drove a couple of hours to spend the rest of the weekend with a friend. She and I talked and talked and then went out with a group of her friends last night. She has awesome friends. We talked, we laughed, we drank, we danced, we went to Denny's at 3:00 a.m. We had a great time. Finally got back to my friend's house and to bed around 4:30 a.m.

Today - Slept in. (surprise, surprise) Hanging out for a while then it's back home to dreary day to day life and dealing with the mundane details that has to offer.

Those Who Should Will Understand This Post