Not Good at the Game

(Note:  This post was a quickly written, stream of consciousness kind of thing.  Apologies for a lack of coherency, cohesion, and flow from one paragraph to the next.)

I am so very not good at just fitting in the box.  I am so outside the box it isn’t even funny.

Most people seem to want to get out of serving on committees, heading up this or that, participating more than just the bare minimum.  It seems like it is society’s norm that we should all grumble about serving and expressing relief and joy at coming to the end of our term so that we can go back to being a do nothing lump.

That is just SO NOT ME.  I want to be involved.  I want to do things.  I want to be selected to serve on committees, to coordinate activities, to lead this or that.

So recently, when church leadership turned over, and my term as chairperson for one of the main committees ended I was surely disappointed that I was not asked to serve in any capacity for the upcoming year.  I guess I’m just supposed to sit back on my haunches and show up to worship every Sunday.  Bummer.

Why was I given this leave?  Did I do such an awful job that they didn’t want me to serve anywhere anymore?  Did they think I would appreciate having the year off?  Did they bother to tell me or ask me?  NO!  And I don’t really feel I can ask anyone because that just seems to go against all the expectations everyone has that this hiatus is a GOOD thing.

So, you know, I just decided to have myself a good old pity party the other night – whined, ate snacks that were bad for me, and just generally had a hissy fit.  Poor W.  He witnessed it all.  That’s one downside of living with me – my occasional inescapable self-indulgent pity parties.

Oh, but I’ve rebounded some now.  I’ve now decided that since the congregation has decided that anyone with an idea for a new initiative can run with it as long as they can find a second person to help spearhead it that I am going to see if I can’t find a second person to help me start a new women’s fellowship group for the church.  We used to have one, but it was all older ladies who have mostly died off.  I think the reason it was only older ladies was because they always met on weekday afternoons, when many younger women were at work.

So yes, you can keep me from formal leadership, but you can’t keep me from leading one way or another.  Yes, I am THAT woman in the congregation.  Can’t control me.  Can’t stop me no matter how hard you try.  Just one more pain in the butt, thorn in the side for those who are in formal leadership.

Might as Well Admit It

No matter how frustrating he can be, no matter what things he does that make me cringe, for some reason I just can't let W go.

He infuriates me with his curmudgeonly ways.  Does he have to be gruff and verbally combative about absolutely everything?  I don't know.

He embarrasses me in public with some of the things he says and way he says them.  Must he come across as accusatory and angry without the slightest bit of tact or diplomacy?  I don't know.

He scares me when I see "suicide" notes that he has written and left where they are not easy to stumble upon yet not altogether hidden either.  Does he truly intend to go through with it, or are they just ramblings?  I don't know.  Clearly they are a cry for help.

He baffles me with his constant complaints that N and I don't keep our stuff picked up well enough when he has stuff piled up in the office to the point of having to move his computer out to the dining room table and now the dining room table is buried in stuff too.  Is he trying to make a point?  I don't know.  If so, it is too obscure for me to understand.

And yet...

He cooks dinner almost every night -- if I tell him what to make and how to make it.
He adores me, for no reason that I can understand.
He puts up with all of my shit, and still does as much as he can to take care of me.
He does all the stuff I don't want to do, like load the dishwasher and make phone calls.

What it all boils down to is two deciding factors:
(1) I'm too damned scared to be on my own, and
(2) I would feel too guilty if I kicked him to the curb because of his health, both physical and emotional.

I know.  You've heard it all before.  It's just an ongoing cycle of lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat...

Just a Little Update

Until a few days ago, when I stopped my blog for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t realize that so much has happened that I haven’t gone on about here.

Here are the highlights:

Mission Trip – With assistance from a few kind angels who helped finance the trip (you know who you are) I was able to go to Jamaica last June and help distribute brand new shoes to children in several elementary schools there.  The children were a delight.  It was heartwarming to see how happy they were to receive brand new shoes.  As I fit them for their shoes, I told each one, “Thank you for letting me give you a pair of shoes.”  I thought it was important to thank them because it isn’t easy to let a stranger into your life, even for a few minutes, to give you something that maybe you feel ashamed that your family cannot afford on their own.  Plus I wanted them to know that I was grateful for the opportunity to serve them in my small way.

Discernment – I am in the discernment process about attending seminary.  While I feel a strong calling in that direction, I still tend to hesitate.  Recently, I applied for two different jobs in my current field and got neither of them.  Perhaps God has different plans for me than becoming a controller or accounting manager.  Perhaps I’m being too much of a Jonah.  Well, no, not Jonah, but a Moses.  Moses argued with God about being a leader.  He didn’t feel up to the job.  However, if God has plans for you, God has plans for you.  Maybe me not getting these jobs is a sign that I really am supposed to walk through that widening door of opportunity to go into ministry.

J – Oh goodness, I have come to the conclusion that J and I will always be some part of each other’s lives until one of us dies.  We certainly can’t give each other up entirely.  That being said, we haven’t seen each other since the last time mentioned on this blog.  He is still with his wife.  We occasionally private message each other on a social networking site… just to talk, to touch base, to stay connected.  I don’t know if this good, or bad, or sad, or what.  It just is.

BJ – I still think of him too often.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Home life – N continues to grow.  As a teen he is testing the waters of independence, pushing boundaries, and much of the time insists I am the meanest mom on earth.  Whatever… W continues to be the curmudgeonly old man, and although he had quite the medical scare a few months back, he is still tough as nails and as close to immortal as I have ever seen anyone be.  Yep, looks like I’m really in this for the long haul.  We celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary last summer.  Never thought I’d see that day…

Sex – There ain’t none, nowhere, no how, no offers, no takers, nope, nothin’, nada, zilch, zip.  Sometimes life sucks.

Who knows how long it’ll take me to get back here, but I hope I continue to post here occasionally.  I like going back and reading my own history, and it bums me out when there are big breaks in the action!

Wow...

I haven't posted since March of last year?!?  Really?!?  Wow... just wow...

So much to say, no time to say it.

Oh well, just know that I am alive and well (sort of) and hoping to eventually get back in the habit of writing here.

How's that for a short post that says nothing?

Gone Again

J is gone again, maybe for good.

I hadn't heard from him since are last get together other than a quick email exchange when I checked on his welfare after hearing about a murder at the prison where he works. Then a couple days ago I was restless and decided to message him.

When he answered he told me that he and his wife were back together, in counselling, and he'd promised to behave himself. I replied that I would leave him alone then.

So there we are. Life continues just as it always has.

I suppose I'll never learn...

Later update :
I'm watching Bette Davis in Dangerous. Art imitating life. Or life imitating art. Bleah...

Help Me Be Less Self-Absorbed

To those of you who know me personally (either IRL or in cyberspace) and aren't just wandering by reading this randomly (unless you want to be included, in which case, go ahead), would you consider helping to provide the funds for my participation in the Soles4Souls mission trip this summer?

If you look over in the right side column, you'll see a box you can click on to take you to my personal fundraising page.  Currently I only have about $50 raised towards my goal of $1,500 which is about 2/3 of the cost of my participation.  If you would like to help me take part in a weeklong mission to provide children with shoes, some for the first pair of shoes they've ever owned, please consider donating a small (or large, large is fine, just don't feel like your small donation of a dollar or two won't help because it will all add up) amount to the cause.

It is very easy to donate online, and you may remain anonymous if you choose to do so.  Because it is going straight to Soles4Souls you know I won't be taking the money and wasting it on something frivolous, and since it is a donation to a 501(c)3 organization your donation is US tax deductable as a charitable contribution.

Would You Visit Me in the Loony Bin?

Why does everything have to pile up on me at once? I have been feeling completely swamped by life lately.

• N is having problems at school.
• W is having health issues, again (still?), and spent time in the hospital this week which he wouldn’t let me tell people about so I couldn’t get a great deal of support.
• Work is getting outrageously busy and will continue to be so until around May sometime.
• I’m trying (and failing miserably) to fundraise both for N to go to Europe this summer with his soccer team as well as for me to go on an international mission trip this summer.
• My car, with over 120K miles on it, has decided to become a money pit because it wouldn’t do to just hang in there until after the summer is paid for and over with.
• Plus I was down with strep throat a couple of weeks ago.

It is times like these that I just want to go stark raving mad so they have to lock me up for an extended stay in the psych ward. Wandering around in my pajamas talking nonsense and checking out from reality sounds really damned appealing right now…

So Many Dreams

J is on my mind so much lately that he has invaded my dreams on a regular basis, when I'm not dreaming about pythons endangering school children (that's a whole different story, not for today, maybe not ever).

I regularly dream about J and me being together.  In all of my dreams, we spend much of our time in bed together... just like real life.  In all of my dreams, he and I are dating and trying to figure out if we will be more than that.  It's a common theme that plays out in different ways in each dream.

Last night's dream had him spending the night with me at my mother's house.  We were trying to be sneaky about it, but he wasn't careful enough the next morning to get out without getting caught.  We were all embarassed, but I said to J after she went back down the hall, "Well, I am over 50 after all.  She's got to know that I have sex sometimes."

W was nowhere to be found in the dream at all.  There was no question from anyone about him.  It was though he just didn't exist in the dream.  That isn't always true in these dreams.  Sometimes W is a factor in the dream.  Sometimes not.

On another note, I worry about J during my waking hours.  The prison where he works is on lockdown due to an inmate murder.  It is so very bad there since they closed the supermax prison and moved a lot of those prisoners to the prison where J works.  They moved some of the officers too, and that hasn't gone well.  Lots of disgruntled officers.  Lots of disgruntled inmates.  It is a volatile combination.  I want J out of there.  He is just a few years from retirement.  I wish he could go ahead and retire early, but even if he could I don't think he would.  Financially, he needs the work in spite of the risks that go with it.

Here We Are Again

Blah, blah, blah…
Yadda, yadda, yadda…

That’s all I hear these days when people speak. I can’t concentrate. I can barely keep myself functioning at a rudimentary level at work. I am really, really struggling to stay afloat with this whole living my life thing. And people, I AM ON MY MEDS. I am not waggling around in the quagmire due to being unmedicated. I am following prescribed dosages and doing what I’m supposed to, and I STILL can’t get myself up out of this depression.

I really hate this. It may be time for a visit to the psychiatrist again to check on the meds and see if something more is needed. I know I’m at the low end of the range on both meds. Maybe a little uppage of the dosage is called for.

Or maybe it is just time to go to bed and stay there… indefinitely.

Thursday Therapy – Agitation

Agitation was the overriding theme of my session with Freud yesterday. I’m sure Freud would’ve realized I was agitated even if I hadn’t mentioned it to him. My body language was full of tells. I repeatedly stretched my arms over my head. I reached for strands of hair and twirled them. I played with the employee badge on the lanyard I was wearing. In summary, I fidgeted through my entire session. This is so unlike me most of the time. Most of the time I sit back and sit still except for occasionally crossing my arms (when we talk about uncomfortable subjects) or reaching for a tissue (when we hit a nerve).

I have felt very agitated ever since I saw J last weekend. I always feel agitated after J and I have been together. I feel like I can’t sit still and yet I don’t know quite what to do with myself. This usually lasts for several days until I somehow get myself back into my comfort zone. I wish I could pinpoint what it is I need to do to get myself there so I could speed the process along. Perhaps the process is one that can’t be hurried though. I don’t know.

 

We discussed my reaction to J’s characterization of me in high school as “promiscuous.” That seems to be at least some of the reason for my agitation this time. J really hit a nerve with that one. Freud said that it didn’t sound to him as though I was promiscuous back then but just a normal adolescent. Let’s say we just have to agree to disagree on that one. Just because I didn’t “go all the way” with anybody in high school, I certainly went pretty far with J and some of the others, Greg particularly. And I certainly was not loyal to my steady boyfriend, J. While I respect Freud’s opinion and get a lot of help from our sessions, this is just one issue he can’t persuade me on. A slut is a slut is a slut whether you physically follow through or not in my book.

 

Freud kept bringing the conversation back around (oh yes, I deflected a whole lot, tried to meander off onto tangents repeatedly) to what it is that I get from my relationship with J that I don’t have in my life otherwise. What gap in my life am I trying to fill with J?

 

What I have identified so far:

•  Physical intimacy – not just sex, even though that’s a part of it, but cuddles and kisses and hand holding and looking each other in the eyes
• Connection to the past and happier, more carefree times
• Camaraderie that is just plain fun, verbally sparring with one another and a sense of playfulness

 Is there more? Maybe…

 

 At one point Freud asked me about W and what keeps me with him.

 

I told him there are two things:

• I don’t know how W would make it without me, and I find it incredibly difficult to take that leap particularly given that his relationship with his grown children is now dead.
• My insecurity about being able to handle things on my own, particularly things like arranging for the multitude of home repairs and maintenance items that are an ongoing part of older home ownership

Could I dump both W and the house? Leave him with the house and walk away from the equity? He couldn’t financially maintain the house on his own. Could we sell the house, split the equity and go our own ways? I hate to do that when the real estate market is still soft. Not to mention the house is a pig sty and to get it in shape to show to potential buyers would be a nightmare.

 

At another point Freud asked me if I’d ever thought about what it might be like to be married to J. I said yes, lots of times. Then he asked did I think that’s what I would want. I blushed and stammered around and finally admitted that yes, I very much think that I want that even though there is massive evidence of why it would not be a good idea. I won’t go through all those here again. I’ve mentioned them in the blog on various occasions.

 

Assignment until the next therapy session: continue to identify unmet needs that I’m trying to fill with my relationship with J and start to think about alternative ways of meeting those needs.

 

Sigh…

Here's a Laugh for You

As I was thinking about the state of me, it dawned on me that from a physical sense I have been completely monogamous with J since the spring of 2010.

Hah!

Now there are several factors that contribute to that:

1. W and I have no physical relationship.  We are completely platonic.
2. When I turned 50 I lost my sex drive entirely for a long time.
3. My one attempt at a hook up a few weeks ago went totally bust.

I would like to think that it reflects a more mature me.  I would like to think that it reflects my devotion to waiting for the right man.  I would like to think maybe it shows a little loyalty to J. I would like to believe those things, but I just don't think they are much of a factor.

Late addendum to this post:
Like an idiot I decided I needed to point out my "faithfulness" to J and sent him a private fb message to that effect.  Can't seem to keep myself from trying to win him over.  WTF is wrong with me?  Seriously... 

Promiscuous? You Must be Joking!

Yesterday’s post was a quick one due to time and location constraints. Today I will elaborate a bit more on the weekend and some of the discussion J and I had.

We were fortunate enough to be able to spend a few hours together both on Friday night and Saturday morning. I made the daring suggestion that he stay in a motel right here in town to maximize the amount of time we could spend together. Although I knew that left open the possibility that someone who knows me might see me I decided taking the chance was worth it. We also went out to dinner together Friday night, again right here in town. I kept an eye out for anyone I might know, but we lucked out and didn’t run into anyone. I had a few ideas in my head regarding cover stories but was glad I didn’t need to use them.

While we were at dinner, we were reminiscing about our high school and college years. Here’s where things got just a little wonky for me. I tend to remember things with a bit of a skew to them, a skew to fit my own self-image and self-story. I suppose many of us do that. Anyway, J challenged my take on reality just a bit when he summarized my personality back then as not at all shy and introverted as I remember but as, of all things, “promiscuous.”

Promiscuous? Me? In high school? I hardly think so! I maintained my virginity, technically, throughout high school. I certainly was not promiscuous! If one used Bill Clinton’s definition of sex I never had sex until late in my freshman year of college. Promiscuous? Ridiculous!

Or was it ridiculous? No, not really. I have a way of using selective memory. If you asked me before, I would have told you I had one boyfriend at a time in high school with some times being boyfriend free altogether. However, J brought up something I had forgotten all about, and then remembered after he reminded me.

At our end of year band banquet (yes, we were both band geeks) my senior year, during the “awards” time they announced the award for band couple of the year. My memory was that it was J and me. His memory, and his is more accurate because I too remember this now that he reminded me, was that it was me & Eddie, me & Greg, me & Randy, and me & J. Now, to be fair J & I started dating Halloween of my senior year (something else I had forgotten until he reminded me) so really Eddie was before J & I got together so I don’t count that one as a bad thing, at least not from the promiscuity angle. The freshman boy dating a senior girl angle: now that is a bad thing and probably explains why we lasted only through a couple of dates, including Homecoming dance. Truth be told, I went out with Eddie because I wanted to go to Homecoming, and he was the only one to ask me.

Now, with Greg and Randy he had a point. I did hang out with both of them more than a girl going steady ought to hang out with other boys and participated in activities a girl ought to only participate in with her steady boyfriend. I never really dated either of them, unless you count cruising and parking as dating. While I thought of myself as “sociable” I can certainly see how it could also rightfully be interpreted as “promiscuous.” Also, I can see how it could be incredibly hurtful to J. I’m surprised in hindsight that he put up with me and my antics. I wouldn’t have if I had been him. I’m also surprised he never called me out on it back then. WTF? I know I interpreted his lack of reaction as tacit approval at the time. I’ve always been one to push the limits to see where the limits are. If you don’t draw a line in the sand I just keep running down the beach.

Putting on the 20/20 hindsight glasses, I realize that as mature as I thought I was back then I was really quite immature. I played very juvenile games, mostly because of my insecurity. I thought I would be lucky to ever have a guy interested in me and so I would just do my utmost to attract as many as possible. Of course, this is not a good plan. The quality of companionship you get when you act desperate is not the kind of companionship you truly desire. The kind of guys who go out with another guy’s girl are not the kind of guys you really want to look forward to a future with, and really I knew that. They were my fun guys. I never considered a future with them the way I did with J. But looking back, how on earth could I expect J to consider a future with me? Why would he want to tether himself to somebody who would blatantly run around on him with other guys right in his face? Sheesh. Stupid kids. Both of us really.

Then there were the college years. I hurt J big time when I told him that I had lost my virginity to another guy. Why did I tell him that when I was home on break the summer after freshman year? It was a misguided attempt to get him to show me he cared. J always kept me off balance, always stayed just aloof enough that I wasn’t ever sure if he really loved me. I realize now that he put up a wall as a type of protection for himself, but to me at the time it seemed as though I loved him so much more than he loved me. I felt like I was always on the verge of losing him, and I would do things (really stupid things) to try to get him to get off the fence and either love me or hate me. And he kept coming back (which should have told me something!) with his aloof indifference.
Only last Friday did he tell me just how hurt he was over all those things I did back then. Only then did I feel like I was way more perpetrator than victim in our relationship. Only then did I start some soul searching, and I am far from finished. On Saturday morning, I apologized to J for my treatment of him back then. I feel that my apology was far less than he deserved, but I’m also not sure what I could ever possibly do to make amends for my treatment of him.

I anticipate this being a big topic of conversation with my therapist on Wednesday.

What a Weekend

In a complete and total surprise J called me on Friday morning at work. When I saw it was him on the caller id I wondered what was wrong. I thought there might be something wrong because he should have been at work. As a corrections officer in a maximum security prison he doesn't get to make personal calls at work.

Turns out he had the day off and wanted to know if I'd be available if he came up that day. I didn't even think twice before I said of course I would make myself available. We worked out logistics, and he was here right about the time I got off work. I made my excuses to W that we were having a girls night out and spent the evening with J. On Saturday morning I returned to J's motel room under the guise of attending book club.

This was the high point of my weekend. It was so different than other times we've gotten together. It was as though he had gone back and read some of our prior email exchanges and taken some of my criticisms to heart. Not only did he come here instead of me having to go to him, which was a big change in itself, he was much more aware of my needs. He spent very little time talking about his exes. He spent time on foreplay and actually gave me an orgasm (first time I have ever orgasmed with him). He listened to me.

It was wonderful and yet a little unnerving. It just isn't the way things generally are between us.

In a way it gives me hope. In another it makes me wary. Seems too good to be true... And you know what they say about things that seem too good to be true... They usually are.

Sigh...

Thoughts: A Poem for Now

The thoughts overwhelm me, I have to speak out.
The pundits, they make me want to scream, cry, and shout.
I watched a great movie this weekend I did.
Fred Claus, no award winner, but it touched this old kid.
I cried when I watched as in typical fashion
All the people ran ’round with Christmas passion.
They focused on who’s naughty, who’s nice
Who deserves to get presents, who should be left out on the ice.
Of all those involved, of all those who led,
Not one saw the truth except for Santa’s brother Fred.
Fred saw they’re just kids caught in bad situations
Acting out as they will in all their frustrations.
There are no bad kids. They are wonderful all.
They need understanding and guidance not to fall
Into patterns destructive and hurtful and mean.
They need someone to listen, distill and to glean
The troubles they harbor, and what are their needs?
Help to see how they can change their bad deeds.
I guess Friday’s shooter didn’t see them this way.
I can’t even imagine what he’d have to say
Had he not been a coward and taken his own life
After taking so many and causing such strife.
Was he himself hurt or was he just mad?
Was he lashing out trying to make people sad?
The questions are many; the answers are sparse.
The media, as usual, turns it all into farce.
Life isn’t fair; it seems death isn’t either.
We’re here; then we’re gone. We can’t get a breather.
But while we’re still here, remember this please:
God’s loving kindness and care can help bring us some ease.

Greatest Hits

Sometimes, when I'm trying to recall something I'll go back through my archives here and see if I can find reference to it.  Many times I will actually remember writing something about it.  Sometimes I'm not sure but go back looking just in case.

What I find most fascinating are all the other things I find as I amble down the garden path of my deep dark thoughts.  I find that I've changed a lot.  I find that I haven't changed at all.  I find that I've forgotten certain incidents so completely that it is as if they never happened, and I must be reading from someone else's life.  Yet usually if I try hard enough, I can finally recall enough to know that it did indeed really happen.

If you have your own blog, or journal, I would encourage you to go back and read your own words every now and then.  Look at your history and think about it and learn from it.  It is fascinating.

Here are some old favorites of mine that I've reread lately:

One of my forays into poetry  Ever a fan of haiku, I turned it into verse after verse on a newsworthy topic.

This one made me laugh  I read it because I was fascinated with what would make me title a post Hoopla at the Hoohah.  It did not disappoint and brought back memories of the entire ordeal.  It does contain a warning that there is TMI shared, and there certainly is so don't go there if that will bother you.

This was a good one  This was a post where I outlined the soundtrack of my life.  I didn't check the links within it to make sure they are still good.  All I had to do was read the names of the songs to bring them up into my head for one earworm after another.

This one was written in 2009 yet it rings so very true of my most recent hook up with J it could be a current post.

I had absolutely, positively forgotten all about this one.  It was only after rereading it in its entirety that I had some vague recollection of the incident.

This one is profound  I don't mean profound in the sense that it is so grand it deserves accolades or anything.  I mean profound in that it really speaks to who I am and what I do and why and how I feel about it all.

Okay, that's enough for now.  Later taters.

If It's True That... Then Why...?

If it's true that time heals all wounds then why do I keep going around pulling the scabs off?

If it's true that the right one will find you when you aren't looking then why hasn't the right one found me in the last couple of years when I wasn't looking at all?

If it's true that autumn is your favorite time of year then why are you so grumpy about having to go out and rake leaves?

If it's true that the Illini are #13 in the nation then why did they almost lose to Western Carolina last night?

If it's true that students get into university based on high intelligence then why do they do stupid things like walk in front of your car in the dark wearing dark clothing?

If it's true that people should treat others the way they would want to be treat then why do they lie to, cheat on and steal from each other?

If it's true that I am totally wasting my time asking silly questions on my blog then why am I still here?

That's it.  I'm outta here...

Gun Control

There is one overwhelming reason why I don't own a gun:

If I owned a gun, I would be on the FBI most wanted list.  There would be far too many dead men littering the Midwest.  Every one of 'em who's broken my heart at one time or another would be gone, shot right through the heart.  Seems fitting.

And you know what?

I still wouldn't feel any better...

If you're looking for a Christmas present to give me, guns and ammo are probably not good suggestions.

Who is This? Redux

After feeling like I was spiraling downward back towards the black hole of depression for a week or so, I managed to stop the descent and reverse courses. With the help of Freud, my pastor, journaling in this blog, staying on my meds and maybe a little dash of luck for good measure, I am back on an even keel.

No, life ain’t perfect. In some ways life downright sucks. On the other hand, I can get through anything if I put my mind to it. So life isn’t exactly how I want it to be. Oh well, it just is what it is. There are more important things than having a partner in life with whom you are well suited. It ain’t pretty, but I pick up the pieces from here and there and patch together a decent enough life.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and even she was impressed at how well I’ve turned things around since my last visit with Freud. She ordered refills of my “keep me less crazy” meds and reminded me that I’m not even close to the highest dosage on either of them so that if I ever feel myself spiraling down and am not able to pull myself up we can consider upping one or both meds.

Really, people, I’m almost starting to feel sane. “Normal” people have ups and downs, good days and bad, joys and sorrows. Dare I consider that I might be approaching this thing called “normal”?


And Now For Something Completely Different
(cue Monty Python theme song)…

And on an unrelated (or maybe it isn’t so unrelated) note, the Illini basketball team is actually not doing too badly… yet… this year. Of course, they weren’t doing too badly at this point last year, and we all know how that turned out. But let’s be optimistic. It’s good to see my boys working hard and to have a coach on hand who actually changes things up in response to what he sees happening on the court. And wow, a zone defense? Man, haven’t seen that Illini defensive strategy in years.

Ok, I may have to get on the Illini bandwagon again. The new coach is starting to win me over… but I’m not quite there yet. Let’s just go with cautious optimism for now. My prediction is they will suffer their first loss of the season later this month when they meet Mizzou at the Braggin’ Rights game. Then the true test will be how well they bounce back after that. The Big Ten (which is really 12 now and will soon be 14, but what’s in a name after all) is going to be a tough conference this year. Hopefully, this team will put the Fight back in Fighting Illini and make a respectable showing in the conference.

Eh, So Much for That

So my Friday liaison didn’t work out. We emailed back and forth that morning, were supposed to meet for lunch near my work. I suggested 11:30. We agreed. Shortly before 11:00 he emailed asking could we meet at 11:00. I agreed, left work and walked to the restaurant. He emailed back that he couldn’t make it and could we meet at 12:30. I emailed back saying no, I’m already here at the restaurant and have to be back at work in an hour. Could we meet after work for drinks, I asked. Ok, he said, email me when you get off work.

Later that afternoon he emailed and asked when I would be available to play. I told him my weekend schedule and said I still wanted to meet in a public place first. He suggested 6:45 that evening at a local bar. I said sure (not thrilled with the bar he chose but only because it’s way over on the other side of town).

He was very persistent about asking if I was 420 friendly in several of his emails. Yes, I told him repeatedly. I’m not really into it myself so much but have no problems with people who are. I suspect he worried that I was a narc or something. I told him I would partake some but not a whole lot because it’s been years since I’ve even been around it. I figured a few drags on a joint would ease his mind and not be the worst thing in the world I could do.

My plan was to drop N off at the movies for a group date, meet up with the new guy for drinks and whatever, and then go pick N up after the movie.

And then…

I get home and announce my plan, substituting going Christmas shopping in the narrative where the clandestine meeting was going to happen. W wanted to go Christmas shopping too and to take me out to dinner. I said maybe I was going to be shopping for him, and gave him a big grin. He said that was ok, that he would go shop in another part of the store or mall or whatever. He just wanted to go out that night… with me. Internally, I debated how far to push. Was it the guilt over what I was really doing that kept me from pushing back? No, not really though that may have played a part. Mostly what made me acquiesce is that under any other circumstance I would acquiesce to avoid having to deal with the pouting self pity party W would engage in for the rest of the weekend if I didn’t give in to him. I feared it would throw too much suspicion on me if I stood my ground because it is so out of character.

So I emailed the new guy my regrets that I couldn’t get away from W that night, and we’d have to do it another time.

And I haven’t heard from him since. So I figure I blew that one big time. I might try to contact him in the next week or two if I have some free time and see if something will work out, but I’m not holding my breath.

One another note, I’ve had a sore throat for over a week now. I intended to go to the convenient care clinic after work yesterday, but as luck would have it, N needed a ride to a neighboring town for the girls regional basketball tournament. I had forgotten I’d promised to take him (before I knew the sore throat was going to become a long-term condition), but I had and I decided to keep my word. I may do the clinic thing today during my lunch hour… or I may just die weeks or months from now of some horribly debilitating throat disease that was never diagnosed because I couldn’t find time to get to the doctor. :-/

My Biggest Delusion

My biggest delusion in life is thinking that if I just try hard enough and show clearly enough just how much I love someone they will love me back.

Guess what?

It doesn't work that way.  Sometimes no matter how much you love somebody they're still just a jerk.

Welcome to reality Trueself.