Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Anonymity, Privacy, Secrecy

A few times on this blog I have made reference to this as my secret blog as opposed to my regular blog.

My regular blog is pretty mundane, sharing the day to day boring crap of a life I have. It has attracted several regular readers, including my husband W.

This blog, on the other hand, is devoted to my secret thoughts, my secret actions, my secret emotions, all the things that I don't allow W to see, don't allow most of my friends and acquaintances to see. This blog, if discovered by W, would reveal things to him that could very well end my marriage, or if not, at least make my life pretty damn miserable for some time.

So I lead a double, no actually triple, life.
First, I have my public life, the one I live day to day, the one that my coworkers and acquaintances see, the one that has nothing to do with who I really am.
Second, I have my regular cyberlife where I reveal more of myself than I do in the real world, but I still don't share all my secrets. I only share things that are acceptable to W to be shared with the world. I blog, I post on message boards, I email in this persona.
Third, I have my secret life and my related cyberlife where I reveal all the shit that I can't or won't reveal anywhere else. In my Trueself persona, I blog and comment on others blogs where I wouldn't want to use my regular cyber persona.

Now, my dilemma comes from wondering how long I can keep these lives separate and distinct. Maybe it is stupid that I try. I have to be careful when I am posting and commenting to make sure I am in the right persona. A couple of times I've caught myself about to make a mistake. I have to be careful not to reveal too much to W. He knows about J, but not that we've had sex with one another nor even that we've seen each other since the Saturday in late May when we met to say goodbye to one another. A couple of times I've come close to saying things that would reveal that J and I have seen each other recently. My biggest fear is that I will say something that will reveal too much, and my world will implode. How much simpler my life would be if I lived my life in such a way that it could be an open book. However, that is not the reality of my life, at least not at this time.

There are only two people besides myself that are aware of both my blogs as my blogs. They are both friends to whom I revealed the connection. Now I notice via Tracksy that there is a third IP address that has recently begun visiting both blogs on a regular basis. I have no idea who this person is, nor do I have any way of knowing whether this person has put together the connection between this blog and the other one or if it is one of those random coincidences that they found both. I have no idea if my "voice" is similar enough in this blog and the other one to lead a person to suspect a connection. I do know that if someone compared entries from various specific time periods they would see an uncanny correlation between the two blogs.

Anyway, it has all made me nervous enough that I could be "outed" on my regular blog that I turned comment moderation on over there. I just can't risk that W might read a comment where someone either inadvertently or deliberately made mention of the connection. My hope is that anyone who does make the connection respects my desire that my secrets remain my secrets. Comment as you will on this blog, but don't make mention on my regular blog of things revealed only here. Even if you do, I will simply reject them in comment moderation anyway.

4 comments:

PintadoGuy said...

Hey, Trueself, don't fret - it's probably me. I'm in Melbourne, so unless you live somewhere near me I'm unlikely to be a threat - I'm just enjoying your writing.

Stinkypaw said...

That is why I couldn't lie, or lead a double/triple life, I would foul things up myself! Watch yourself if you don't want to get burn... one little slip and you could be in BIG doo-doo.

trueself said...

pintadoguy,
Nope, it isn't you, not unless you're running through a server in Pennsylvania.

stinkypaw,
Yeah, you're right, it stinks, and it is one of the many things I'm working on with my therapist. Unfortunately, sneaking around and lying is a long-standing strategy learned in childhood, and it is a hard one to break.

And Ha! on me. I just looked down and realized that I was signed on as my other persona. I had to sign on again before I posted this.

Chrim said...

Hi Trueself...it's me that found your other blog. Totally by accident too.

If you want to email me I can explain how it was found.

I won't reveal anything about you. Hey...I'm the last person who could throw stones.