Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Tension and Frustration

My most recent frustration is one that is not new, but an ongoing problem. When it comes to intimacy and sex, W and I have talked, a lot, lately. I have made it clear that there is one thing, one specific activity that is really, really important to me. W swears that he likes this activity, wants to do this activity, and yet, when we have intimacy this activity very rarely occurs. I would like for it to occur without me specifically asking for it. I have told W this. He has agreed to do it without me having to ask for it. It doesn’t happen. We do all sorts of other things. We do things that are a real turn on for him. We do things that I really enjoy. But we don’t do the one specific thing that I want more than anything else. So I end up feeling let down when things are over.

I guess one thing that really bugs me is that from reading other blogs I can see that there are men out there that are more than willing and happy to participate in this particular activity. Why did I end up with someone who won’t, or at least won’t with any regularity? Oh sure, once I talk to him about it, again, he’ll do it. Once. The next time we are intimate. Feels like duty sex to me. Feels like getting it over with so we don’t have to do it again for a while. So now, even when we do it I don’t enjoy it. Because all I can think about is will he continue long enough for me to enjoy it fully, can I get the big “O” fast enough or will I miss out again? This, of course, keeps me from relaxing, making it take longer to achieve the big “O” and usually we just give up before we get there. His fault? My fault? We both have a share of the blame. The problem now is that it seems no matter how we approach this particular activity, we’ve discussed it to death, analyzed it from every angle, turned it into such a big deal that I can’t even find a way to enjoy it.

Adding to my frustration, J has not attempted this particular activity with me either of the times we’ve been together, and maybe because it has become such a huge issue between W and me I haven’t felt comfortable specifically asking J to do it. What if he too will not do it?

Now, I’ve deliberately avoided mentioning the particular activity so far in this post. I wonder if it matters. Would it make a difference if the activity I desired was something quite common versus something unusual or a little kinky? I don’t know. The fact of the matter is all I’m wanting is oral sex, something that I consider fairly mainstream and something I do for W on a regular basis. If he doesn’t want to do it for me, I wish he would just say so. Telling me he wants to do it, that he enjoys it, but then not doing it is just driving me insane.

And I’m not supposed to be tempted to stray?


Stinkypaw said...

Now you;re just looking for excuses to stray - c'mon! No offense, but it's not like you need to make up excuses!

I know the feeling of wanting something, of talking about it and not getting it - it is VERY frustrating. I had that with my ex, he wasn't a very sexual person (unlike me!) and it created many conflicts - he said that he enjoyed sex, with me, but wasn't just that much into it... I felt like crap about it for a while, pondered with the idea to stray, but also realised that it wasn't an avenue I wanted to take, so I basically made do with what he was willing to give.

Stop justifying it - you want oral sex and enjoy it - that's fine, If your husband says that he does enjoy it but does it out of duty (as you think it is), taht's his problem, not yours! Enjoy what you get, ask for it if you want more and get your big "O" without any guilt.

Remember, nobody is responsible for the way we feel, but ourselves!

trueself said...

I'm not looking for excuses to stray. I don't need excuses to do what I'm doing. If my sex life with W was stellar would I still have an affair with J? I don't know. Maybe I would since it's much more complex than just sex. Anyway, I'm really not trying to excuse myself for straying (there is no excuse that justifies it) just saying that in general it is easier to be tempted when I'm unsatisfied than when I'm satisfied.

You pondered the idea to stray and decided it wasnt' for you. I pondered and came to a different conclusion for me. I can respect that.

Lori said...

Just wanted to say hi, this is the first time I have come across your blog and I spent the morning reading through your archives. I wanted to let you know, beccause I didn't want to be a lurker on this type of blog. ;) Will be bookmarking you if that's ok. I never give unsolicited advice and am a good listener. I have similar feelings about sex and am often unfulfilled sexually. Have never strayed though, but then again I am not married yet. I have two blogs, but one of them is just about weighloss. Feel free to read.

trueself said...

Welcome! I'd be happy for you to bookmark my blog. Don't have time right now to check out your blogs, but I will when I get the chance.