Friday, July 14, 2006

Frustration

I sent J an email a few days ago. It has to do with the possible lifeline mentioned a couple of posts ago (I'm being intentionally vague). I told him I needed a response from him so I could respond to someone else by Friday of this week. Now it's Friday, and I have heard nothing from J. No email, no phone call, nothing.

I get sooooooo frustrated with this. J does this kind of thing to me over and over. I don't get any responses from him, and then when I finally do he doesn't get why I'm frustrated that it took him so long to get back to me. He always has his reasons. Mostly I think he does it just to keep me from getting too comfortable with him, like he wants to make sure I know that I shouldn't count on him for anything. It must be frustrating to him that I won't take that message to heart.

Yet, every time I do try to give up on us and put this chapter of life behind me, he contacts me and says things to persuade me not to give up, to hold out hope. He's playing me, and he's really really good at it. It's like a really stupid dance we're doing. I take one step forward, and he takes two steps back. I step back, and he steps forward. I try to get off the dance floor, and he comes looking for me, and I do the same to him. Geez, we're so messed up. At some point, like Cinderella, the clock will strike midnight and reality is going to come crashing down on me. Unlike Cinderella, though, I don't think I'm ever getting my happy ending. But I keep hoping. . .

And that folks, is my biggest problem. I'm middle-aged, ought to know better, and I'm still waiting for the knight in shining armor to ride in on his white horse and rescue me, to take me away so we can live happily ever after. I've got to find a way to stop believing in fairy tales.

6 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

You are choosing to hang on, to wait, to "keep on dancing this silly dance of yours"! It's all you! Stop blamming others and also stop making up excuses for J.

No fairy around! Come on, get back to "real"land! YOU should make yourself live the happy part, stop relying on others to do it and mostly START believing in YOURSELF instead of stupid fairy tales!

trueself said...

You are right. It is all me. I am weak. I should say no when J contacts me. I should tell him it's over and to leave me alone, but I don't. I've let him have all the power in this relationship. Not good.

I'm not sure what you mean by making up excuses for J. I didn't realize that I was doing that. Tell me what you mean. I need to think about this one.

Also, you are so right that if I believed in myself I wouldn't need to believe in fairy tales. It is sad that I would find it easier to believe in fantasy than in my very own abilities.

trueself said...

Wait. I misstated one thing in my last comment. I said I let J have all the power in the relationship. Not true. I have let J have most of the power in the relationship, but not all.

Stinkypaw said...

Your letting him have the power, again "playing" the weak card (I don't buy it btw). You want this and relinquished your power willingly so.

As for what I meant about you making up excuses for J, it's a feeling I got a while back (went back a few posts, but gave up because I HATE Blogger for its poor navigating tools!). Like the first time you saw each other, how he let you make all arrangements (both times actually if I'm not mistaking?)and even if you weren't too happy about it you justified it. Same thing when you mentioned your talks about your spouses, you justified his thinking.

I've noticed that you are very good at justifying your actions, but I also have a feeling that you're doing it for J as well. that's all... Does it make sense?

Stinkypaw said...

When I say "justify", maybe I should say "accept it as is", when in fact you should maybe get upset AND let him know!

trueself said...

Okay, I see where you're coming from. I'm not sure I agree, but I'll have to think about it.

About the power thing, I just feel like I gave up a lot of power by letting J know how strongly I love him and how much I want him. I feel like he now knows he can pretty much do what he wants, and I still be there. That's what I meant by giving most of the power over to him.