Frustration

I sent J an email a few days ago. It has to do with the possible lifeline mentioned a couple of posts ago (I'm being intentionally vague). I told him I needed a response from him so I could respond to someone else by Friday of this week. Now it's Friday, and I have heard nothing from J. No email, no phone call, nothing.

I get sooooooo frustrated with this. J does this kind of thing to me over and over. I don't get any responses from him, and then when I finally do he doesn't get why I'm frustrated that it took him so long to get back to me. He always has his reasons. Mostly I think he does it just to keep me from getting too comfortable with him, like he wants to make sure I know that I shouldn't count on him for anything. It must be frustrating to him that I won't take that message to heart.

Yet, every time I do try to give up on us and put this chapter of life behind me, he contacts me and says things to persuade me not to give up, to hold out hope. He's playing me, and he's really really good at it. It's like a really stupid dance we're doing. I take one step forward, and he takes two steps back. I step back, and he steps forward. I try to get off the dance floor, and he comes looking for me, and I do the same to him. Geez, we're so messed up. At some point, like Cinderella, the clock will strike midnight and reality is going to come crashing down on me. Unlike Cinderella, though, I don't think I'm ever getting my happy ending. But I keep hoping. . .

And that folks, is my biggest problem. I'm middle-aged, ought to know better, and I'm still waiting for the knight in shining armor to ride in on his white horse and rescue me, to take me away so we can live happily ever after. I've got to find a way to stop believing in fairy tales.