Friday, July 07, 2006

More on the Marriage

W decided to discuss marriage counseling further with me last night after we went to bed, when I was sleepy because we were already going to bed too late to begin with. He could have brought it up anytime after N went to bed at 9:00 as we weren't doing anything but watching TV anyway, but he waited until we went to bed at midnight. Yeah, it irritated me.

His first question was why I felt like we need marriage counseling. Wow! What universe is he living in?!?!? I was absolutely floored by his question and told him so. How could he not think that we need help if this marriage is to survive? How could he be okay with all the recent arguing we've done? How could he possibly think that things are getting so much better?!?!?

So I didn't make things any better, but immediately went into pouting martyr mode. Fine, we don't need counseling. I'll drop it. But then I decided that if we went that way it was 100% that the marriage is doomed so I changed tactics and told him that I really feel that I'm not going to be able to stay if we don't get counseling, that I am truly that frustrated by the whole situation, that it isn't good enough to just say that it is all my problem and that I need to find a way to work it out. WE need to work on this TOGETHER or it just isn't going to work. He softened. He said that he is willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. If we need marriage counseling, we'll go. He suggested that I talk to my therapist at my appointment today about whether it would be appropriate for us to start seeing her as a couple. I was surprised because I thought when we saw her together before he didn't like her way of doing therapy, but he said no, that since he has been seeing a different therapist he has had a change of opinion about her and therapy in general.

Okay, so is this the start of things getting better? I don't know, but it scarcely seems that they could get worse. Hopefully, it will help us get clarity as to whether the marriage is salvagable or not.


Stinkypaw said...

OK, here are my thoughts… again… I will most likely piss you off again, but hey it’s a chance I’m willing to take. I’ll play the devil’s advocate here:
On Wednesday when you wrote that Dr. Phil told a couple the following: "You know you're ready to get a divorce when you have no unfinished emotional business. When you can get up and walk out the door and say, 'I'm done. I'm not mad. I'm not glad. I'm not hurting. I've turned over every stone. I've investigated every potential avenue of rehabilitation. I've done everything I can.' That's when you're ready." Well, I'm certainly not at that point right now, but I do feel like I'm approaching that point.
You may be approaching that point, but you have to say that you haven’t investigated every potential avenue of rehab, nor done everything you can. You went back to J while “trying” to work on your marriage. In my book that is NOT doing everything one can. It is, if you want to fuck things up more, or to get deeper in this whole of confusion. You can not fight 2 battles at once, nor can you divide your FULL attention in half. You’re either in or out. It’s one of those “black & white” situations. A choice has to be made.
Remember a while back I wrote you that kids feel/sense troubles, even if when we think that we’re keeping the fighting clean and not obvious. It is too bad that N is caught in the middle of this. He’s not stupid, and his asking questions prove that.
Like you wrote “WE need to work on this TOGETHER or it just isn't going to work.”, so each one has to make some efforts. You’re not asking too much for W to look for a counsellor, but maybe W needs to see some actions from you as well. I don’t know every little details, but at times it does sound like he’s the one making efforts, or who did a little while back. You don’t write about what you’ve done (besides trying (and failing) to stay away from J), so maybe W feels that way too? By him asking you to find a counsellor is in a way, his way to know that you’re also making some efforts to work things out. You’ve been asking for things and are playing the victim or going into pouting martyr mode, as you wrote. You both need to get involved on all levels.

Rabbi Shmuley said: “Your marriage is not a facet of your life. It is your life. It is not a detail of your happiness, but its source and greatest blessing. Swallow your pride. Go back to the person to whom you once committed your life and exert the energy to make the marriage work again. By doing so you will have the satisfaction of knowing, not only that you never stopped climbing – that you never quit – but rather that you never climbed alone.”

Give it a try… who knows? Not too pissed off I hope?

trueself said...

Not pissed off at all. As a matter of fact you said very similar things to what my therapist said to me yesterday. You are both right. I am not currently 100% committed to making the marriage work. I have one foot in and one foot out. Part of me wishes I could turn my back on J and fully commit to the marriage. Part of me just isn't willing to let go of him. I know I'm the one making the bigger mess of this than W is, and yet I just haven't been able to take that one necessary step to really commit to fixing the marriage. I just haven't been able to let go of J.