Disappointment

No sense naming your blog Deepest Darkest Thoughts unless that's really what you are going to post there.

Today's is a doozy, a confession about which I feel particularly guilty.

My period arrived this week. I'm disappointed. Part of me keeps hoping that J will impregnate me when we get together, and I have tried to time our times together to coincide with the best time to do that although it is hard to time it just right given our limitations on getting together. J would be furious if he knew.

W and I could never get pregnant. That was part my problem, but part his, and doctors have told me that without W's part of the problem we would have had a much better shot at pregnancy. I've always made it sound to J like it was all my problem and that he is taking no risk of pregnancy with me. He probably is not taking a very large risk, but there is certainly some level of risk.

In my mid-40s do I really want to get pregnant? Well, in spite of my age, in spite of adopting N, I still have that biological urge to reproduce. I would still love to go through pregnancy and have a baby that was part me and part someone I love. Foolish? You bet! Realistic? Absolutely not! My probable reaction if it really happened? Stark raving terror -- terror at the thought of both W's reaction and J's and what I'd gotten myself into.

Alright, Stinky Paw, I know you're out there with steam pouring from your ears as you read this. Blast me. Hit me with your best shot. I deserve it and probably need to hear it.

To anybody else who reads this and wants to blast me for it, fuck you. My life, my business. Learn from it. Read it as a cautionary tale. Protect yourself, and be careful out there. I'm not the only woman out there this conniving.