Thursday, July 13, 2006

Disappointment

No sense naming your blog Deepest Darkest Thoughts unless that's really what you are going to post there.

Today's is a doozy, a confession about which I feel particularly guilty.

My period arrived this week. I'm disappointed. Part of me keeps hoping that J will impregnate me when we get together, and I have tried to time our times together to coincide with the best time to do that although it is hard to time it just right given our limitations on getting together. J would be furious if he knew.

W and I could never get pregnant. That was part my problem, but part his, and doctors have told me that without W's part of the problem we would have had a much better shot at pregnancy. I've always made it sound to J like it was all my problem and that he is taking no risk of pregnancy with me. He probably is not taking a very large risk, but there is certainly some level of risk.

In my mid-40s do I really want to get pregnant? Well, in spite of my age, in spite of adopting N, I still have that biological urge to reproduce. I would still love to go through pregnancy and have a baby that was part me and part someone I love. Foolish? You bet! Realistic? Absolutely not! My probable reaction if it really happened? Stark raving terror -- terror at the thought of both W's reaction and J's and what I'd gotten myself into.

Alright, Stinky Paw, I know you're out there with steam pouring from your ears as you read this. Blast me. Hit me with your best shot. I deserve it and probably need to hear it.

To anybody else who reads this and wants to blast me for it, fuck you. My life, my business. Learn from it. Read it as a cautionary tale. Protect yourself, and be careful out there. I'm not the only woman out there this conniving.

4 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

Actually I'm not steaming... not this time! ;-)

I feel for 'ya! I really do! I feel you longing for that love so bad... It's saddens me to read your wanting and the twisted ways you come up with to "maybe" get it...

Why do you feel guilty? Because you're lying to people in your life and to yourself? I totally understand the part where you want a baby part you and man you love (even if I don't want a child), but don't you think you should concentrate that need, that love onto your Son? He is there for you to love, so maybe instead of "fantasizing" about what could be why not cherish what you DO have?!

P.S. I'm not saying that you're not (in re. to Son), or that you're a bad mother - not at all! Please don't take it that way, ok? It's really not meant that way.

trueself said...

Okay, I'm going to try to address your questions:

Why do you feel guilty? Because you're lying to people in your life and to yourself?
I feel guilty because I am being so very manipulative of J, trying to drag him into something he doesn't want.

I totally understand the part where you want a baby part you and man you love (even if I don't want a child), but don't you think you should concentrate that need, that love onto your Son? He is there for you to love, so maybe instead of "fantasizing" about what could be why not cherish what you DO have?!

I DO cherish my son. I truly, truly do. I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world. Until J came back into the picture I hadn't given a thought to making babies since we adopted N, and even then it wasn't the first thought I had, or even among the first thoughts. It kind of popped up later, as things went along and progressed. I guess J actually started me on the line of thinking when he brought up the subject talking about how glad he was that he didn't have to worry about me getting pregnant due to my infertility issues. That started my warped brain down the path, and I ran with it.

I know I am truly pathetic. . . pathetic and miserable and unsure and insecure.

Stinkypaw said...

If he REALLY didn't want to be dragged, he wouldn't - I'd say he's willing!

And you do have a twisted mind...

trueself said...

Just to be clear, I don't think I'm dragging J into an affair. I know he is there quite willingly. I just think I'm dragging him into the possibility of becoming a daddy again which he has been plain that he would not want, and I have deceived him into believing that it is not a possibility so that he doesn't find it necessary to take precautions against pregnancy (condoms, asking about timing, that sort of thing).