Monday, July 31, 2006

I'm such a loser

Met R yesterday for lunch. She was almost a half hour late. I just hate when people are late. As usual, I was about 15 minutes early so I had a really long time to wait. I almost gave up, thinking she was a no-show, an all too common occurrence in the lifestyle I find. However, she did show up, late, with her story of getting lost on the way to excuse her tardiness. (Sorry, I’m just chronically punctual and get really annoyed by others who aren’t probably due to the number of times in childhood my dad left me waiting on the school steps long after everyone else had been picked up.)

However, once R was there we hit it off pretty well. She seems very nice and is not a novice to the lifestyle like I had thought she might be. We talked for over three hours and found several interests we have in common. I was enthusiastic about her when we talked yesterday, but now I find myself rethinking certain things and wondering if I really want to go through with a threesome with her. Although she didn’t indicate that she would want money at all, she did make it very clear that her financial status is very poor. That makes me just a bit nervous as I really don’t want to pay for everything but would rather we all share the cost of any outings we might have together. We both talked about how we are looking for someone to be not just a bedroom buddy but a friend with whom we do other things socially, going out for meals and plays and so forth. I’m pretty sure she cannot afford that on her own so we would probably have to bear the cost of most of it. Hmmmm. . . Also, there is something about the way she talks about the number of people she has been with, and continues to be with, that gets to me. After the STD scare a couple of months ago, do I really want to be involved with someone that I know for a fact is involved with several others who themselves are probably involved with several others? Hmmmm. . .

Well, W is supposed to meet R this week sometime (no time yet arranged) so I’ll see what his feelings are after meeting her, and before he meets her I’ll share my reservations with him.

Maybe it’s not fair to hold up very high standards when looking for someone willing to be part of a threesome. Certainly, there would be no reason to expect the parties involved to not be promiscuous. Yet I can’t help but worry about the STD potential. Maybe those of us out there looking for these kinds of relationships are already so messed up that we can’t expect to find “normal” people out there to play with.

Now I remember what it was that turned me off of swinging all those years ago when we did it before. Shoot. I’m not sure I can go through with this. Shoot. In some ways, I’m such a prude. Shoot, shoot, shoot. I’m such a loser and a dork.

And on the other front, I haven’t heard from J since two weeks from yesterday – not an email, not a phone call, nothing. Nor have I contacted him. . . and I don’t intend to. . . I think. . .

Focus on W.
Focus on W.
Focus on W.
Focus on W. . .

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