Scattered

That’s how I feel my emotions and my thinking are, and have been for a while now.

I’m restless.
I’m unhappy.
I’m unsatisfied.
I’m antsy.
I’m confused.
I’m frustrated.

I change my mind from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment. I make a decision on which way to head. Then I rethink the decision. I change my mind. I change it back. I start. I stop. I sit in the middle of the quagmire of my life unable to make progress in any direction.

This is me. This is my fault. I want everyone happy. I can’t have everyone happy. I sneak around to try to make me happy without making others unhappy. I’m not even sure what would make me happy. Certainly all that I am doing now is not making me happy. It is making me crazy.

I feel guilty when I pursue my own happiness. I feel that I should set aside my happiness in order to make others happy. Aren’t I supposed to make decisions based on logic, based on rational and sensible thinking, taking into account the facts of the situation? When is it okay for my feelings to come into play? Ever? Never? Sometimes? And how do I know when it is okay and not okay? Where is the line in the sand that distinguishes selfishness from reasonable expectations? I have no idea. None. And so I struggle.

Would I be happier if I left W? I don’t know. Would he? No. Would N? No. So I stay. I stay because it is the right thing to do, the thing that will make others happy. I stay because it is easier than leaving. Leaving takes courage. Staying is just staying. Can I shift my attitude so that I can be happy with W? Sometimes I think I can, sometimes I think not.

Should happiness even be the goal? My happiness? Others’ happiness? I don’t know. Maybe I’m striving for the wrong goal. Maybe happiness isn’t the ultimate goal. But what is? I’m not sure.