Friday, July 21, 2006

Scattered

That’s how I feel my emotions and my thinking are, and have been for a while now.

I’m restless.
I’m unhappy.
I’m unsatisfied.
I’m antsy.
I’m confused.
I’m frustrated.

I change my mind from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment. I make a decision on which way to head. Then I rethink the decision. I change my mind. I change it back. I start. I stop. I sit in the middle of the quagmire of my life unable to make progress in any direction.

This is me. This is my fault. I want everyone happy. I can’t have everyone happy. I sneak around to try to make me happy without making others unhappy. I’m not even sure what would make me happy. Certainly all that I am doing now is not making me happy. It is making me crazy.

I feel guilty when I pursue my own happiness. I feel that I should set aside my happiness in order to make others happy. Aren’t I supposed to make decisions based on logic, based on rational and sensible thinking, taking into account the facts of the situation? When is it okay for my feelings to come into play? Ever? Never? Sometimes? And how do I know when it is okay and not okay? Where is the line in the sand that distinguishes selfishness from reasonable expectations? I have no idea. None. And so I struggle.

Would I be happier if I left W? I don’t know. Would he? No. Would N? No. So I stay. I stay because it is the right thing to do, the thing that will make others happy. I stay because it is easier than leaving. Leaving takes courage. Staying is just staying. Can I shift my attitude so that I can be happy with W? Sometimes I think I can, sometimes I think not.

Should happiness even be the goal? My happiness? Others’ happiness? I don’t know. Maybe I’m striving for the wrong goal. Maybe happiness isn’t the ultimate goal. But what is? I’m not sure.

2 comments:

freebird said...

Hi! Just so you know I'm not a lurker(!)... I discovered your blog a few days ago and have tried to read it all before commenting (snatches of time permitting). I can relate to a lot of it, especially this last post - oh yes, how I know all those feelings! But we also have a few differences, naturally.
Regarding your earlier post about your new attitude, if that's how you feel about J now, wouldn't this be a good time to cut loose? A bit like giving up an addiction maybe. Better than going back for another taste and having to go through the pain of getting over him again?
(Not that I'm in a position to give relationship advice!)

trueself said...

Yes, it probably would be a good time for me to cut J loose.

And yet. . .

And yet I don't want to. I don't know how exactly to explain it, but he and I both need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, someone to be there. Maybe it isn't right of us to use each other that way. I know my emotions get swept away much too easily.

I don't know. I don't even think I've answered your question. I'm just blathering on.