Thinking Out Loud Some More

Trying to make sense of my jumbled thoughts and feelings.

Looked up a local divorce attorney, wrote down his phone number, haven't called yet. Don't know that I want to start divorce process, but maybe just talk to an attorney to find out more about what I need to know if I decide that's the way to go. Almost afraid to call as that would put me one step closer to heading down that path.

N recently started to ask about W and me splitting up, who he would live with, where we would live, etc. Both W and I thought we had been keeping our disputes secret from N, but somehow I guess he knows that there's trouble. W assures him that we're staying together. I don't know what to say. I hate to be too reassuring when I'm not sure what is going to happen from here. I hate to say we're not breaking up only to have us break up later.

Called W this morning and suggested we start marriage counseling. He sounded less than thrilled. He said that if I find somebody he'll give it a try. I tried to explain that since I'm at work and he's at home it might be easier for him to look for a marriage counselor instead of me. His answer was that if I feel we need this, then I need to set it up. Okay, I'm not getting warm, fuzzy feelings here about this. Why does he say that he loves me and will do anything to keep me, but when I suggest something he could do towards that end he then backs off from it? Am I really asking too much to ask that he look for a marriage counselor for us?