Deepest Darkest Thoughts: New Attitude

Thursday, July 20, 2006

New Attitude

Yep, I feel like I'm developing a new attitude. The last few months I have felt so strongly, so desperately, so intensely my desire for J. That is lessening. I'm becoming disillusioned. I'm realizing that he probably isn't a good long-term match for me. I'm also realizing that he and I don't have to be lovers to stay friends and to stay in touch with each other. Sex isn't the only thing we have together. So now I no longer sign on to email hoping to see that he has sent me something. I no longer hope every time my cell phone rings to see his name on the display. I would still like to continue our affair, but I don't feel that I would be devastated if we don't. I don't feel the strong need to contact him when I haven't heard from him in a while. I can wait (not sure how long, but so far I'm content without hearing from him).

This is definitely a new attitude. Healthier? Don't know, but it certainly has helped me to calm down and make me feel less desperate.

Of course, I don't know if this new attitude will continue with the next "Can we hook up?" email from J. Although they aren't the first thing I look for in my inbox anymore, an email from J definitely gets my heart pumping. I definitely still feel vulnerable to him and am pretty sure I would agree to another meeting if he requested it. And who knows what kind of attitude shift would follow from that?

1 comment:

stinkypaw said...: If you think that you're calmer and less desperate, that's a step.

Take it as it comes, don't anticipate (or pre-program) your reations. Let things happen first.; 7/21/2006 9:31 AM

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Words to Live By

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box. -- Unknown
Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, mess or not. -- BJ
The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -- Plato
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. -- Matthew 7:1-5

Who's Who in Trueself's World

Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
Freud - My therapist
Dr K - My psychiatrist, the one who medicates me when the talk therapy with Freud just isn't enough
Boss - My previous supervisor who used to scare the shit out of me and now I only find mildly annoying on most days.
Snow White - A coworker, also psycho
Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
FU - My brother; the initials here may or may not represent what I would like to tell him most of the time
FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
TS2 - Former housemate who just so happens to have the same first name as I do. She drove W & N crazy, and sometimes me a little bit too, but the extra income from her rent sure helped.
M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
Q - W's girlfriend while he and I were separated
H, K, & S - Guys I met online who shared with me various levels of adult type fun from time to time
G & L - Guys I met online that went nowhere
R & V - Women I met online that went nowhere
T - J's second ex-wife
If an actual name is used instead of just a letter it is generally not the real name but a name made up to protect anonymity.