Tuesday, July 25, 2006

If it's broke, should we fix it?

Once W started to take seriously the need to put our marriage in order, he started to pay attention to things I asked of him, particularly of an intimate nature. One of the things that he proposed to do was talk to his doctor about possible ways of dealing with his erectile dysfunction. Now keep in mind that I did not ask him to do this. He was the one that proposed it. Always before, he had said that he was accepting of his limitations and too embarrassed to ask his doctor if there was anything that might help. I accepted this and never asked that he broach the subject with his doctor. Penetration isn’t the “big thing” for me so if he was okay without it so was I. About a month or so ago though, W said he wanted to discuss it with his doctor. Okay by me. I asked if he was going to call and make an appointment. No, he already had a routine checkup scheduled at the end of July so he’d bring it up then. Okay. He has talked about it several times since then. Apparently, from what he said, he would like to see if he could regain function. I encouraged him as I thought that anything we do to improve our intimacy could improve our marriage. I even kind of looked forward to finding out if there was anything we could do because I do feel kind of selfish being the one that gets most of the pleasure from our intimate times. I would like W to be able to perform the way he would like.

His appointment was today. When I called to find out how it went, he said it went fine, and proceeded to tell me about the difficulty they had drawing blood, the bone density test they did, the adjustment to his blood pressure medication since his blood pressure is now almost too low. I listened patiently, but my one track mind was really waiting to hear about one particular topic. He finished telling me about his appointment without mentioning it at all. So I asked if he had talked to the doctor about it. No, he said that he forgot, but oh well, he has another appointment in three months so he’ll ask then. Okay, he has got pretty low libido if he can happily wait another three months to find out whether or not there’s a way to get “the South to rise again.” But then again this is the man who went without any intimacy at all for over a year and never missed it, and probably still wouldn’t if he didn’t have the pressure of me telling him flat out that I couldn’t remain completely celibate anymore.

I did mention to him that he doesn’t have to talk to the doctor about it at all if he doesn’t want to, that I can be satisfied without penetration. I thought maybe he was feeling pressured by me to ask about it so I wanted to reassure him that it was okay. No, he said, he wanted to ask for himself, not for me, but just forgot. Yeah, I would say we’re pretty much on two very different planes. That is one topic I wouldn’t be able to forget to bring up. For him, eh, no big deal.

Okay, okay, I admit it. It bugs me. It bugs me way more than I let on to W. It bugs me probably way more than it should. I just don’t get it. Quit sitting around whining about not being able to get an erection unless you are willing to actually find out for sure whether or not there’s something you can do about it! If you really don’t care, then shut up about it. If you really do care, then do something about it instead of just whining. Do or don’t do, pick one. Quit telling me you want one thing, but doing another. God, I sound like a broken record, but better to air it here than actually say it to W. Already came too close to that this afternoon.


Stinkypaw said...

Would it be really bad if you were to tell W - to be honest with him about how much it does bother you?

Depending how you approach the subject and how you "deliver" it, it could be a good thing for him to know.

...and BTW, don't want to be the devil's advocate, but you're complaining about W's "do or don't" attitude... but don't you recognize yourself in there as well?

No? Really? ...well... maybe you should?...

trueself said...

Would it be really bad? Probably. W gets very, very defensive on this particular issue so I tread very, very lightly.

And yes I do recognize myself in that "do or don't" attitude. Oh, yes I do.

And BTW, I think you really like being the devil's advocate. ;-)

freebird said...

I know you don't want to sound like you're nagging, and it would have to be approached very carefully, but don't you think he should know how important this is to you?