Monday, April 09, 2007

Planning Ahead

Every so often I start to ruminate on my eventual funeral. Of course I'm hoping that it is still a long way away, but one never knows. In keeping with my ever cheerful theme around here (did someone hear sarcasm somewhere? ah, never mind), I thought I'd jot a few thoughts about how I would like for it to go.

Most importantly, I don't want a fancy expensive coffin in which to be buried. I would love to be buried in a plain pine box that will deteriorate over time just as my remains will. Either that or just cremate me. Truly it won't make much difference to me at that point. I do like to be warm and hate to be cold so perhaps cremation would be preferable to lying in the cold ground for eternity.

Now, as to the actual funeral service I have very specific desires. I want the service to be held at whatever church I'm attending at the time. Certain traditional touches are important to me although I also want to incorporate some rather non-traditional elements as well. As for the traditional touches I would like for Psalm 23 to be read and Amazing Grace sung. Then we get to the less traditional. I would like to write the sermon to be used that day as I have yet to hear a minister say the things I would like to hear at my funeral. If I had time, I'd write it here. However, that will have to wait for another day. I would also request that the number of people allowed to speak to tell the touching, warm, funny stories about me be limited to no more than half a dozen. One funeral I attended lasted for hours as thoughts were shared by everyone from the deceased's family to her postman I think. Sometime during the service I would like the following song performed:

If Eric Clapton isn't available, just bring in a local singer who can do it justice.

Once the funeral is over, let the party begin. Everyone should shuffle off to the church's fellowship hall or whatever venue they have for such events. I do not want the typical fare at the event, the casseroles and potluck type dishes. No, I want part of my estate, the part that would have been spent on the unnecessary fancy casket to be used to cater the affair, and all food served should be vegetarian. Not that I have any desire to have revenge on all those church dinners where no viable vegetarian option was offered. Really. Well, maybe just a little. In the background the following song would be played along with a montage not of Michael Jordan, but of me. I would like pictures of me from childhood all the way up through my elder years to be included. When it finished, it would end on a fairly recent picture of me with the years of my birth and death at the bottom.
Besides the video montage, there should be continuous music playing softly in the background at the reception. I hate silence.

Well, there it is. That's it. One of these days I'll write that eulogy and share it here. Then I'll just have to make sure there's a way to get the information from here to the appropriate parties when the time comes.


Tom Paine said...

I would like to know that the night of my funeral that C. will be fucking someone and coming like a slut. It would make my dying that much easier to accept.

trueself said...

Tom - Yes, I can see where that would be a comfort to you to think that she was being comforted after losing you. It could be a welcome diversion for her after what would certainly be a traumatic day.