Sunday, April 08, 2007

Whirlwind


Okay, see that storm up there? I feel like I'm about in the position of the photographer -- close to the storm, perhaps in danger from the storm, not quite in the storm but maybe it's headed my way.

There is such a contrast to being with W and being with BJ. While they do have some similar traits (conflict avoidance for one), they have many more that are quite different. The week before last while W was here was one of frustration, almost constant frustration. He expressed surprise that I felt frustrated with him when I shared that at counseling on Saturday. How could he be surprised? I didn't hide my frustrations from him, but he just doesn't pay attention apparently. He doesn't want to lose me, but resists the suggestions the counselor makes to us. In contrast, this week while BJ was here was, for the most part, very positive. We had a rough patch at one point, but bless his heart BJ was in tune to my frustration and did his best to make amends and succeeded quite well at smoothing things over with me.

So I struggle on with that nasty nasty decision hanging over my head to stay with W, to care for him and honor my vows. Yet part of me says shouldn't he honor them too? Is he honoring our vows by resisting the changes the counselor suggests? Is he honoring our vows by ignoring my frustration in hopes that I'll "get over it?" Am I the only one breaking up this marriage if I leave? I think not. So what's stopping me? What keeps me from leaving him clearly once and for all? And will I ever get over struggling with these questions and make a decision I can live with? Stay tuned. . . Maybe I'll get this figured out in a few years.

And in other news, today's horoscope:
Your passionate involvement with an emotionally charged issue of great importance may be invisible to others now. Although the smile on your face is visible, they might not understand where it's coming from -- and you are under no obligation to tell your secret. Let your imagination feed your soul and share your thoughts only when you are ready.

2 comments:

Fiona said...

Yet part of me says shouldn't he honor them too? Is he honoring our vows by resisting the changes the counselor suggests? Is he honoring our vows by ignoring my frustration in hopes that I'll "get over it?" Am I the only one breaking up this marriage if I leave? I think not.

Keep that thought firmly planted in your mind as you move forward.

trueself said...

Fiona - Yes, I definitely need to keep that firmly planted in my mind. I keep placing all the blame on me for our problems, but it isn't all me. W bears some responsibility for this marriage too. If he is unwilling to work on it, why on earth should I keep trying?