Thursday, April 12, 2007

How Far Have I Come?

It was one year ago today that I started this blog. It feels like I was a whole different person then. I started this blog because I was trying to deal with all the emotions that were washing over me as I started to contemplate an affair with J. Over the last year, I've learned a lot about myself, and about relationships, and about how much gray there is between the black and the white.

In the past year, I've crossed boundaries I never expected to cross, and done things that surprised even me. I've blown myself away sometimes at the impetuous decisions I find that I can all too comfortably make in the heat of the moment. Then again I've blown myself away sometimes at how I think and think and think and try to make decisions and waffle and fail to make decisions or stick to those that are made.

So am I better off or worse off than when I started this blog a year ago? For the most part I would say better off. I am no longer despairingly depressed. I no longer feel as helpless as I did a year ago.

Things I have learned about myself in the past year:

  1. I am resilient. I can bounce back when necessary.
  2. I am a good liar. Now, I didn't say I was proud of that, but I have learned that I haven't lost my touch from my teen days of lying about my whereabouts.
  3. I am capable of taking care of myself. Boy, this one I really didn't believe, but living pretty much on my own the last couple of months has convinced me that if I have to I can make it on my own.
  4. I don't have to settle for whoever wants me. Nope, I found out that it isn't so difficult to attract men so I no longer feel frantic to hold onto one.
  5. My compassion for W is what prevents me from leaving W even though I can honestly say I don't really love him anymore. Even if he is a royal pain in the butt, I feel some obligation to him.
  6. I am capable of making real life friendships. Who knew? Basically, it took me somehow being willing to get over myself, or at least my lousy self-image, and believe that I am someone worthy of friendship.
  7. One of the most important things I learned this year: It was not a mistake to leave J all those years ago. It may have been a mistake to run off with W, but J was not, and is not, the man for me. If I hadn't spent time with J in this past year I would have always wondered. Now I have put those speculations to rest. J and I will be lifelong friends. We make great friends, but we aren't ever going to be anything more than that.
I am optimistic (for the moment) about the future. I believe that as long as I continue to work toward a life for myself that is happy and fulfilling and filled with love I will eventually get there. BJ and I will be together permanently someday, somehow. The path just hasn't shown itself yet. It will. I'm confident that it will.


BJ said...

Happy Anniversary baby!

trueself said...

Thank you sweetie!

Finished Last said...

Thanks for letting all of us share the year with you and for your openess. You are not alone. Happy Blogiversary

FTN said...

A whole year! It flies by, doesn't it. Happy bloggitybirthday. Anniversary. or whatever.

trueself said...

FL - Open, it's the only way I know to be on this thing. That's what I blog for, to just openly say all the stuff I can't openly say in the real world.

FTN - Yes, it certainly has flown by. I like that term - bloggitybirthday. Cool.