Last Day

The last day of NaBloPoMo, that is. I'm relieved that it's over. As much as I post it is not easy to make a post every single day. I don't know if I'll try doing this again next year. We'll see.

And now on to the beginning of the Christmas celebrations! I love Christmas!

I want the guy who did this to come do my Christmas decorations for me:


Or maybe the guy who did this one:

Copying from Others Again

After reading hers over at Bunny's blog, I checked out my sexual horoscope on Zodiac World

Taurus women: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting.

Yep, that's me. All but one thing. Sucking on toes. Ick. Gross. No way. All the rest that it said though is a great description of me.


Well, that's all for now. I spent much time and effort writing up Day 4 at the Blogger House on FTN's blog so I have nothing left for here. Please head over to FTN's though and see how we're faring in the house this year.

Strictly Hypothetical

Strictly on a hypothetical basis now, this problem may or may not come from the actual life of someone I know or not. How would you react?

Background:
You have a brother. Let's say his name is Henry. When you were kids you didn't get along well. As an adult you suspect he may have some kind of undiagnosed/untreated mental health issue(s). You try as best you can to get along, but for the past few years he has cut you from his life and refused to discuss with you the reasons or what you might do to restore the relationship even though you have made a few attempts to do so.

Current situation:
While out for dinner with your spouse, child(ren) and parents, your mom during a conversation about your brother's family (the nephews you aren't allowed to see) says, "I always did think Henry was a little weird." The conversation continues and she repeats the above statement, adding "I don't know what you ever thought" with an inflection that infers a question.

Hypothetical questions:
How do you respond to your mom? Do you respond at all? Do you respond differently given the public nature of the locale and/or the fact that your child(ren) is/are present and listening to the conversation?

Chuckle for Today

Click here for a joke that is ever so appropriate to recent events, particularly since I am vegetarian (for the most part).

Life - I Have One!

At least, that's the conclusion of the meme below. I must say I haven't felt like I've had much of a life the last few days thanks to what I now think was food poisoning after eating at a certain chain restaurant on Friday. However, I'm off to work this morning. We'll see how that goes.

And now, on with the meme.

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 89 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 266 movies on this list. Copy this list. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, and share your number. Have fun!

(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
() Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
() Neverending Story
() Blazing Saddles
() Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
() KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
(X)KING KONG
(X) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
() Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
(X) Halloween
() The Ring
() The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
() Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
() The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
(X) Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Seven
(X) Ocean's Eleven
(X) Ocean's Twelve
() Bourne Identity
() Bourne Supremacy
() Lone Star
() Bedazzled
() Predator I
() Predator II
() The Fog
(X) Ice Age
(X) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(X) Curious George
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(X) ET
() Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
() Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2
() Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
() The Terminator
() The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3
() X-Men
() X2
() X-3
(X) Spider-Man
() Spider-Man 2
(X) Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
() The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
() Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
() The Notebook
() K-Pax
() Kippendorf's Tribe
() A Walk to Remember
(X) Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old-virgin
() Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
() Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
() Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
() Baseketball
() Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
() Elf
() Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
() Three
() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
() Shaun Of the Dead
(X) Willard
() High Tension
() Club Dread
() Hulk
() Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
() 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
() Waterworld
() Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
() Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() the Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
() The Matrix
() The Matrix Reloaded
() The Matrix Revolutions
() Animatrix
() Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
() Hannibal
() Battle Royale
() Battle Royale 2
() Brazil
(X) Contact
() Cube
(X) Dr. Strangelove
() Enlightenment Guaranteed
() Four Rooms
() Memento
() Pi
() Requiem for a Dream
(X) Pulp Fiction
() Reservoir Dogs
() Run Lola Run
() Russian Ark
() Serenity
() Sin City
() Snatch
() Spider
(X) The Sixth Sense
() The Village
() Waking Life
() Zatoichi
() Ikiru
() The Seven Samurai
() Brick
() Akira

I am a little surprised that my total is so low: 59. However, I have seen many of those movies multiple times, and there's tons of movies I've seen that aren't on the list. Still it's nice to know that, at least according to this test, I do have a life after all.

Nothing

Today's agenda:

Sleep in
Shower
Dress
Drink Tea
Nap
Appointment
Return Home
Drink Tea
Nap
Drink Gatorade
Eat Bread and Cheese
Nap
Drink Gatorade
Watch a little TV
Update blog with minimal post
Go to bed

Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

A Shitty Post

Apologies in advance for the graphic nature of this post and the TMI it shares.

Dealing with my digestive tract disturbance led me to look up information on (where else?) the internet. I found the chart to the right that indicated Types 5-7 are generally considered diarrhea. I'm pretty much at Type 7 today, having been more at Type 6 the two days prior. I would say that normally my stools then towards being something like Type 4 or even Type 5. I could probably count on one hand the number of times in my life I've had Type 1 or even Type 2.

I thought I was feeling better this morning so I made it to church. However, it turned out the only reason I felt better was because I hadn't yet tried eating anything today. After church we went out for brunch as we often do on Sundays. Turns out scrambled eggs and biscuits with honey was not a good choice for me. I had to hit the restroom before we left the restaurant and barely made it home before round two. I intend to spend the rest of the day at home, sipping tea, reading the Sunday paper, napping and surfing the internet. Takin' it easy, that's the order of the day.

Highlights from Thanksgiving

• W never fails to amaze me at how badly he will treat N even in front of others, like my parents. What that says to me is that he truly thinks that the things he says and does are reasonable.
• Boy, in my post earlier this week I nailed the menu Mom would produce for Thanksgiving dinner, except instead of green bean casserole we had carrots, proving once again variety is the spice of life.
• Last night I managed to get a mysterious pain in my lower gut along with explosive diarrhea. I still have the pain, though not as strong as it was last night, and the diarrhea which is every bit as bad as it was last night.
• Got much of my Christmas shopping done yesterday (before the mystery pain). I spent almost $300, but I probably still have another couple of hundred dollars' worth of presents I want to buy. I think $500 for Christmas presents sounds like a lot of money, but then again maybe it's not totally unreasonable. Maybe I'm just too cheap.

Well, that's it. That's all I got for now.

Happy Thanksgiving

This is my Official Thanksgiving Day Post. Notice I have date stamped it for Thanksgiving day even though I'm posting it early. I will have absolutely no internet access tomorrow since I'll be in the Land of the Luddites (aka parents' house) so I'll have no chance to post this tomorrow. So if it's still Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, go away and come back and read this tomorrow. If it is Thursday or later, then welcome! Happy Thanksgiving!

I found some good information on Thanksgiving on this site. Give it a visit if you have the chance. Lots of history here about Thanksgiving, little like that taught to me when I was in school. (or was I just not listening?) I found it interesting.

And now, the traditional "What I am Thankful For" list:

• My health
• The people I love - N and BJ particularly
• My job, because I had just about given up on ever having a good job again until I found this one
• Everyone who comments on my blog whether it's often or only occasional - Bunny, Freebird, Fiona, Drama, Cat, Serenity, Fusion, Silent Male, Al Laddin, Jaded Bunny, Stinkypaw, Digger, Val, Desmond Jones, Hopeless Flirt, Mia, D, Nutty Man, Fatso, and all the rest that I'm forgetting right now
• That I have a family, even if I bitch about them, because at least I have them and can depend on them when I really need them
• That I live in a country where I am allowed to have my opinions and voice them even when they are not popular or in line with the current administration
• God's grace that is there not only for me but for all who seek it

Lighten the Mood

Today's topic is cartoons. N gets to watch cartoons in the morning before school after he is dressed and all his things are ready for school so this morning we are sitting watching Cartoon Network prompting me to write about something fun and pleasant for a change.

Some of the present day cartoons are pretty good. Some of them are just stupid. Here are my reviews of some cartoons that appear regularly on our TV:

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends - This has got to be my favorite. It's about a home for imaginary friends that have been outgrown by the kids that imagined them. I love the characters in this one. I love the storylines. I could watch this one all day. N likes it too.

Ben Ten - I like this one too. This one is more of an adventure type cartoon. Ben found a bracelet that allows him to turn into various alien forms and fight bad guy aliens. I generally am not fond of the adventure type cartoons, but this one is okay.

Camp Lazlo - Guys at camp near a girl's camp. Another good one, although a bit stupid sometimes. Still it isn't bad for mindless fluff.

Tom and Jerry - I know. This is old as the hills. It was old when I was a kid. However, thanks to N's love of it if it is anywhere on TV it will be the cartoon of choice in our house. I'm sorry to say that it wasn't that great when I was a kid, and it isn't that great now. I am the only one in our house of this opinion. Maybe it's a guy thing. I don't know.

Chowder - This is a new one, and stupid, and just don't bother with it. Unless you are a nine-year-old boy. It is apparently popular in that crowd.

My Gym Partner is a Monkey - It's okay, kinda dumb. A kid with the last name of Lion gets inadvertently sent to the wrong school, a school for animals. Hilarity ensues as he attends classes that, while appropriate for wild animals, make no sense for a human. Good times, my friends, good times.

Ed, Edd, and Eddie - Ridiculously stupid with no point. Again don't bother with this one.

There are many other cartoons out there, almost limitless options now that cartoons are no longer limited to Saturday morning watching. These are the ones most often found on our TV though and reflect N's taste more than anything else.

Oh how I long for the days of Hong Kong Phooey and Rocky and Bullwinkle and Deputy Dawg and Yogi Bear. Sigh. . .

I Hate When the Counselor is Right

Tonight I had a private session with the counselor that has been working with W and me. It didn't start that way. It started as a joint counseling session, but I was in such a state and such a mess that it turned into just me and the counselor with W bowing out.

I dumped all the shit that I wrote in my last post, about my withdrawal, and we talked just about that for an hour. Interesting that the counselor wasn't a bit surprised by the problems I'm having based on things I've said about my upbringing and the way my family continues to function. She acknowledged that it is extra hard for me to deal with certain situations because of the insular type of family in which I was raised. It is difficult to move beyond what I know and what makes me comfortable.

For those without my background it might be difficult to understand why certain things are difficult for me. The counselor said that she is not at all surprised that I don't speak up for myself. I was taught in my family that it is not okay to speak up for yourself. I was taught that you work hard to get along with others even if that means subjugating your own interests, needs, desires. I do that very well. Then I get mad when others don't do the same for me, and I wonder when it is going to be my turn. I'm afraid to speak up for myself for fear of losing friendships so often others don't even know that I feel put out by giving in to their desires. On the rare occasion when I do speak up it takes very little from the other person to make me back down, do a 180 and give in to whatever they want.

Tears, many tears, flowed during tonight's session. I think I gained some valuable insights though into the problem, and we were able to celebrate certain small victories like my inviting a friend to go Christmas shopping with me for a day. It's a small thing, but it is huge. The counselor reminded me that my friend was probably as excited to be invited as I was to do the inviting. She asked me if I believed that, and I said no. She said she knew I'd say that, but that she wants me to know that lots of other people are just as insecure as I am. Lots of people out there are grateful to be invited somewhere. People aren't out there waiting to reject me. God, I wish I could believe that. I so much want to believe that. Maybe someday I will.

Still Withdrawn and Not Enjoying It At All

I had hoped that once the medical tests came back fine, that I would emerge from my withdrawal from the world, that I would once again reconnect with people, reengage, get back out there. Alas, that has not happened. I have not done that and on one level don’t want to do that. Yet on another level I long for it. I long for the connections to others. I long to be part of the group. Yet I don’t want that either. I don’t want to be overwhelmed by it. I don’t want to be bombarded. Life is easier somehow all alone without intrusions. I am struggling within myself to figure out how one balances friendships and social life with maintaining a sense of self. I need boundaries and yet I’m having a difficult time figuring out how to set them. I seem to have nothing between being available to everybody all the time and shutting myself off completely. There’s got to be a way to find the middle ground and be comfortable with it.

I’m afraid that my social skills are quite lacking, and I don’t feel that I ever really had any strong role models in this area when I was growing up. My parents rarely socialized. My parents rarely went out as a couple. My dad would go hunting, but would either go by himself, with my uncle, or later with my brother. He did not have hunting buddies. As far as I know, he didn’t really have, nor does he have now, any friends to whom he feels close. As far as I know, my mom’s only socializing happened, and still happens, at the beauty parlor as she chatted with her hairdresser at her weekly appointments. My parents set the example of going through life dealing with other people on a business basis only. I have no points of reference for friendship or social interactions, and it isn’t something that comes naturally to me as it seems to for N.

I now have the revelation that there are a set of skills out there, social skills, about which I know little. I know etiquette. I know how to behave “properly.” I don’t have a clue how to make friends or be a friend or maintain a social life. No clue. Where’s the course on social skills? Where’s the course on friendship? Where is the set of rules posted? Why don’t I get this basic aspect of life? What the fuck is wrong with me?

So Begins the Holiday Season

Well, folks, it is Thanksgiving week here in the U.S. It is the best of times. It is the worst of times. Families gather in heartwarming displays of love and gratitude and appreciation of one another. Well, at least I hope some families do. In our typical display of dysfunctionality (this may not be a real word but it is so appropriate here) my family will celebrate Thanksgiving scattered as though it would somehow inflict grave bodily or psychic harm on us to be within the same walls. Perhaps we’re just smart enough to know that it would inflict harm so that we are all better off in our little nuclear family settings, undisturbed by other branches of our family tree. It is after all bad enough that we will have five family members in one house together.

So here’s how it will go down for our family.

W, N and I will leave Wednesday after I get off work and head to my parents’ house for three glorious days. As usual, I offered to bring something, pie maybe, to contribute towards dinner. As usual, my offer was declined. As usual, I then insisted on bringing something so instead of baking pies tomorrow night I will be making homemade cinnamon rolls for us to have for breakfast on Thanksgiving day. Now cinnamon rolls are a whole lot more time consuming to make than pie, but what the hell. At least I get to make something. I won’t be allowed in the kitchen once we’re at my parents’ house, at least not for the purpose of cooking, so I’ll use all my cooking energy on one project Tuesday night and then sit back and let Mom slave all weekend. She seems to prefer it that way.

Thursday we’ll all get up to watch the “Macy’s Day Parade” on TV. We’ll eat cinnamon rolls. Mom will slave away in the kitchen turning down any and all offers of help. Once the parade is over all of us (except Mom still slaving in the kitchen) will sit around looking at each other, wondering what to do next (sometimes I wish our family cared about football, but alas we do not). N will likely charm us into playing a board game on the floor of the family room. If N is not the winner, he will likely have a hissy fit over it while W yells at him for having a hissy fit. Dad and I will look away from the scene and each other in discomfort. Chances are good that we will all then scatter to various rooms throughout the house in the hopes that solitary confinement is good for the soul. Late in the afternoon Mom will call us all to dinner, and we will sit down to a feast that will crowd the table and the stomachs. Fifteen minutes later it will all be over, and we will return to our discomfort with one another’s presence. At least now we’ll all be sleepy from a heavy meal and can escape for a while into naptime.

On Friday, I will get up and try to make my escape into the chaos of retail therapy. If I’m lucky I’ll get to do this on my own. If I’m not, I’ll be saddled with one or more family members tagging along wanting to go to entirely different stores than those I wish to patronize and with entirely different agendas than mine.

On Saturday, we will all be relieved on the inside but express our regrets to one another that our visit is over. W, N and I will head home. I’ll just be happy if we’ve made it through without major meltdowns by any of the participants.

God bless the holiday season.

Healthy Insanity

I received this in an email the other day. I've seen it before, but it's better than a lot of the bullshit emails that get forwarded to me via wellmeaning friends. I am particularly fond of #1, 7, 11, 14 and 17.


20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...Share This With Someone To Make Them Smile.



It's Called ... therapy.

I Take This as a Huge Compliment

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog. You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head. Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent. You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

The Fours Meme

Well, Kimba tagged the entire internet to do this meme, so I for once am not actually stealing a meme but doing one legitimately by tagging (sort of). Ha!

Four dishes I like to cook:

1. Apple, pecan or pumpkin pie with crust made from scratch.
2. Tofu veggie stirfry with brown rice
3. Biscuits and gravy
4. Lentil soup

Four qualities I love in people:

1. Loyalty
2. Kindness
3. Intelligence
4. Courtesy

Four places I have been:

1. San Juan, Puerto Rico
2. Lahaina, Maui
3. Mazatlan, Mexico
4. Nassau, Bahamas

Four things in my bedroom:

1. Antique Lane cedar chest
2. Adult toy collection in the drawer of my nightstand
3. Small TV/DVD player combo
4. Four (yes I said four) closets (plus the one in the hallway just outside the bedroom door)

Four dirty words I like:

1. Craptastic
2. Godfuckingdamnit - for those really frustrating times, not that I have those, of course
3. Absofuckinglutely!
4. Unfreakingbelievable

Four people I'm tagging:
Well, heck, Kimba already tagged the whole internet, who's left? LOL

Right and Wrong

It’s hard to explain. Life seems wrong without BJ in it, and very right with him in it. It is a feeling that goes far beyond that ecstatic euphoria of the early days of lust and desire. The high wears off. It always does, but here’s where my relationship with BJ is different. Once the high wore off, there were still very strong feelings there, a connection between us that is incredibly strong. We are kindred spirits in so many ways.

Some have pointed out a certain immaturity in BJ, and don’t think for a minute I don’t see that and recognize it. What you don’t see are his efforts to grow, his efforts to move beyond the insecurity that leads to the pity parties and whiney outbursts. I see those efforts. I applaud those efforts. What I see in BJ is a man who has struggled, and continues to struggle, with many of the same issues I’ve had, and continue to have, in my life. We have both been considered oddballs as we were growing up. We both can be deferential to a point that is detrimental, and we both struggle with issues of self-esteem. The thing is, though, we understand each other. We understand things that others without these issues could not. What I think we must both guard against is allowing ourselves to get mired in those issues. Instead we must work together on these issues and support each other as only another with a deep understanding of the issue can.

We have discussed going to couples counseling together, even before we ever marry or even live together to strengthen our relationship, to make sure we have the correct communication skills and are using them, to help us overcome some deeply ingrained behaviors left over from the atmospheres in which we were raised. BJ and I very much want this to work, and we are both committed to doing what it takes to make it work.

We have discussed the ins and outs of a plan that will bring us together, as a couple, in the same location, within a couple of years. We both recognize the importance of taking things at a reasonable pace even when there are times when each of us gets antsy. We’ve discussed how unreasonable it would be for either of us to expect us to be able to be together instantaneously. We are on the same page. We have discussed the children, both his and mine, and the impact on them. The impact will be different since his children are older, almost out on their own, while N is still in grade school. However, that isn’t to say that the impact will be less on BJ’s children. I don’t believe it will be less, just different. We are working towards introducing each other into our children’s lives later on, but not for some time yet. Let them all adjust to the divorces first before inserting another person into their lives.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, can top how comfortable we are together. Things feel right when we are together. It feels right for us to be together whether we’re at home, or shopping, or out to eat, or whatever we’re doing. It just all feels very very right. If we don’t rush things and let things progress slowly, I think things will work out well for all of us – BJ, his two kids, me and N.

Damn, this sounds almost rational. Who’d a thunk I was capable of such things?

Halfway Point

Well, I've made it halfway through November, which means halfway through NaBloPoMo. Let's see how I've done in the mission to post at least once per day.

Total posts thus far in November (including this one): 18
Days in November with no posts: 1

Well, not perfect, but not bad either. How will I do for the second half of November? That may be problematic since I'm going to my parents' house in the Land of the Luddites for a few days at Thanksgiving. I'm not quite sure how I'll deal with that, but at worst I'll miss two days.

Hopefully, I'll have a meatier post later today, but if not at least I've met my one post per day commitment. Nobody ever said anything about quality of posts.

Sighing with Relief

I just talked to the nurse at my doctor's office. The breast is fine, nothing but benign findings there. They strongly recommend having another mammogram in one year to look for changes, but I believe that's the standard recommendation anyway.

Woohoo! I'll live!

At least what this scare did to me was make me take that hard look at my life and ask if I am where I would want to be if I knew I had only a short time left. I truly believe things happen for a reason, and maybe I needed this scare to shake me out of my complacency. I will not let myself slide back there. Life is too short, whether it lasts another hour or another 50 years, to keep living it with the wrong man.

Whew! Now I can stop being all withdrawn and hermitlike too. I can reach out to my real life friends again. Yes, I know it was bad to withdraw from them until now, but what's done is done. Besides, they didn't need me dragging them down into my worries. I just wanted to wait until I really knew something. Wait, who am I arguing with here? Oh yeah, my friend that told me I should lean on my friends when I need them. I'm just rehearsing my part for when she and I talk later. :-)

A Little of This, A Little of That

I will admit that I don't have a clue where I found this, on a blog that was a click here, a click there, away. I found it very interesting though. Out of curiosity I checked a few of my favorite blogs to see how they rated, but I won't share those here. You'll have to check them for yourself.



I would've been disappointed had I rated lower than this. I'm just enough of an education snob to think that it's important to write at a certain level.

And in other news today, thanks to my many fans I've been voted into the Real Blogger World House over at Fade to Numb. If you aren't a regular reader over there I encourage you to follow along with the antics during our week to be starting soon. You may want to check out last year's version too. It was a hoot. Hopefully, this year will be as good or better, although last year's group will be hard to top.

And finally, now that it has become a question of when rather than if I am splitting with W, I am working on my plan of approach. I have to find the proper balance among protecting N, protecting my financial interests, and getting it over with as soon as I can. I must focus on the long term results rather than the short term pain. I look at others who have made this move, and I see how happy they are once the trauma fades. I want that too. I need that.

Breakthrough

Something became clear to me yesterday. It is probably something that has been clear to a lot of people looking from the sidelines, but being in the middle of it has made it difficult for me.

Originally, when I found out that I had this stupid lump in my breast my thought was that if it were cancer it would force me to stay with W. I imagined that I would have no choice but to stay with him so that I would have support, and someone to take care of me, and someone to take care of N. I couldn't see another way and felt that a bad diagnosis would trap me.

Yesterday, that thinking changed. It dawned on me that no matter the diagnosis I don't have to, and don't want to, stay with W. What if the absolute worst case scenario happened? What if I have cancer, have to have chemo? What if, God forbid, I died either from cancer or anything else in the near future? I faced my worst fears and realized that I do not want to be married to W when I die. I do not want to spend my last days and hours with W. I would want to spend those with BJ.

Don't get me wrong. I am not expecting the worst case scenario to play out. I expect that the diagnosis will be something other than cancer, and even if it is cancer that it has been caught early enough to be highly treatable. I do not expect to die anytime soon. On the other hand, you never know. You never ever know when your time on earth will end, and thinking about it that way helped me see things more clearly. I have realized that I need to stop treading water, stop waiting for everything to be perfect, and move on with my life. I need to be with the one I love. I need to be able to speak with BJ whenever I want or need him. I need to visit BJ whenever he and I want. I need to be honest with W to the extent that I need to let him know that I want to be free of this marriage, that the love is no longer there.

Shameless Pandering

You wanna make me a really happy blogger? You wanna cheer me up and help me up and out of my depression? Well, if you aren't a regular reader and/or haven't voted over at FTN's place head over now and nominate me to be part of his Real Blogger House. Yes, I am shamelessly asking for nominations, and no, I don't think that one simple win of a popularity contest is going to kill my depression. Then again, couldn't hurt!

If you don't want to nominate me at FTN's then perhaps you'd want to consider writing me in as your choice for president in the upcoming primaries. Just a thought. . .

Scattered Thoughts

Another day, another lack of inspiration. Nothing like signing up to post daily to wipe the mind free of ideas and thoughts. Actually I do have a few scattered thoughts of little to no consequence bouncing around, and I will share them here in the hopes of freeing the mind for more important thoughts, or even just the ability to concentrate on work.
• Gladys had her husband Abner plant some shrubs in their yard to restore privacy. It should be a few years before they actually provide privacy from the looks of them.
• So far, having looked over to their yard several times in the past few days I can report that there really isn’t anything worth looking over to see, but I keep hoping. After all, if she wants the privacy so badly there must be something worth seeing over there.
• The people across the street and down a ways had a yard sale on Saturday. When it got later in the day and they were ready to close up, they gave N a plethora of junk goodies for free. Just what we need at our house, more clutter treasures.
• The lump in my breast could be a cyst or a lymph node or breast tissue. We still don’t know yet because the medical people are sadists and would prefer to keep me in the dark for as long as possible.
• If you are reading this and happen to be a medical person (doctor, nurse, tech, whatever), please please please treat your patients like intelligent human beings until the patient proves to be otherwise. Do not talk down to me as though I have the IQ of a slug. I may not know all the medical terminology, but I am capable of understanding it without you explaining it as though I am a first grader.
• I figured out another big, big reason that I’ve been withdrawn. I’m worried about the medical tests, and whether I have cancer. My first thought went to N and how I would take care of him if I had to go through chemo and/or radiation. I know that I am probably way premature in my worries, but since I don’t know my mind goes to worst case scenario. I don’t want to talk to others in real life about the situation until I know whether it is nothing or something. The only people IRL with whom I've discussed it are BJ, one friend who pushed to know why I was avoiding everyone, and to a small extent, W. Nobody else knows, except you, my imaginery cyber friends who don't really exist.

Obligatory NaBloPoMo Post

I got nothin' here. The following is probably one of the top ten worst posts I've ever posted here.

This weekend has had two major characteristics:
1. Illini
2. Sleep

Yep, that's about all I've accomplished this weekend.

Of course, everything else had to fit in around the Illini football game yesterday and the Illini basketball game today.

In case you haven't heard (and if you haven't what the hell is wrong with you?) the Illini football team beat Ohio State yesterday. Ohio State was ranked #1 in the nation. Notice I say was. After losing yesterday at home to the Illini however, they've fallen to #7. Ain't that a shame? Serves 'em right for always thinking they're so high and mighty. Anyway the game came on at 2:30 in the afternoon and lasted until about 6:00, eating a good chunk of the afternoon.

In spite of that, we managed to fit in an early matinee showing of Nightmare Before Christmas. I'd never seen it, and it's been rereleased in 3D so I took N and a friend of his to see it. I must say that 3D technology has come a long way since I was a kid.

Today, we attended the Illini basketball home opener. The Illini won, but they sure didn't look like a good team. Hopefully, they'll get better as the season continues.

Other than that, all I've done all weekend is sleep. I have got to start getting eight hours a night and see if that will help me. I can barely do anything on weekends but sleep anymore. So much around the house goes undone.

Excuse me, I think I need another nap now.

Do You Know Me?

A year ago I posted a quiz you could take to see how well you know me. It seemed like time to do another one. So here it is, all new questions, see how well you know my true self.

More about Trueself Take my quiz! Take This Quiz | See Scores | Make Own Quiz

Withdrawn

In real life I have been quite withdrawn lately. I’ve felt myself hunker down, avoid others, try to avoid interactions. It is not lost on me that during this same period of time I have been thinking, a lot, and writing, a lot.

I recognized last night just how absent I’ve been when on a message board I frequent a post appeared entitled “Where’s [TS]?” My first reaction was that I was surprised anyone noticed my absence. My second reaction was to not post a response because somehow I’m not ready to be back in the world.

So now I’m trying to figure out why I’ve withdrawn and what it is that is preventing me from reaching back out into the world.

This post may grow as the day progresses, as new thoughts on this topic pop into my head. For now, though, this is it. I’m just starting to ponder and haven’t a clue yet what is behind all this.
------------------------------------------------
Noon Update:
Part of it is just pure introversion. If I’m out and about, interacting with people, it will eventually wear me down. I will feel the need to retreat and revive myself before the next foray into the world. I certainly have been a lot more social this fall than I normally am, particularly with the bi group activities as well as meeting some members individually to socialize. Not to mention taking up with K. Then there’s my involvement with N’s soccer team and the PTA at his school, volunteering to work at events requiring interaction with (gasp!) people. All of this has been a lot for a little ‘ole introvert like me.
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2:15 P.M. Update:
Another piece is depression and anxiety. I feel like my depression is not really under control as well as it should be. Unfortunately, depression can cause inertia which in turn means little to no action is taken to change things. Somehow it is easier to spiral downward than to claw my way upward. Depression can be debilitating, and even though the medication I take has helped to some extent, there are still things that are difficult that shouldn’t be. Doing everyday things like showering and toweling off seem to be a huge drain on my energy. Reading is difficult because of an inability to concentrate. Somehow I feel bombarded by the simplest little things and want to scream and tell everyone to just leave me alone. I revel in those rare moments when something, anything, engages me enough to allow me to concentrate on the task and complete it. The most troublesome thing about this is that this is very different than how I have been in the past, during the non-depressed times. It used to be that I could become engrossed in a book and read it in a day or two. Anymore I’m lucky to read a page or two at a time. It used to be that I was meticulous about making menus for the week, preparing a grocery list, arranging it in the order of the store, and making one weekly shopping trip. Anymore, I go to the store practically daily, generally without a list and when I have made feeble attempts at making menus I struggled to finish it or follow it. Part of the reason I have withdrawn is that I am uncomfortable with how poorly I am functioning and don’t want to expose my flaws in the real world.

Good Neighbors

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for a rant.

When we moved into our new house this spring the yard, both front and back, had something of a junglelike quality to it. According to our next door neighbor, henceforth known as Gladys Kravitz, the landscaping had been originally done by a former owner who was quite the expert in Japanese gardening, but more recent owners hadn’t kept the property up like it should have been. I’m sure Gladys had an underlying unspoken message in there about how she expected us to do better. Although we had every intention of cleaning things up I remained noncommittal to Gladys.

Being a rather large yard, we decided to tackle it in small chunks, not because we were doing the work ourselves but rather because we had the expense of hiring someone younger and stronger than ourselves to do it. Throughout the summer progress was made, flower beds weeded, random baby trees uprooted, mowing and trimming attended to on a regular basis. Things are starting to look better.

We come to today. The landscaping folk are here, in the yard, removing two low lying shrubberies that through the years have become rangy and bedraggled looking. These particular shrubberies, while in our yard, have provided a small amount of privacy between our yard and Gladys’ yard. Gladys burst from her house this morning as the workers began and questioned W extensively, advising him that taking out these shrubberies would leave her yard and ours exposed to one another. HORRORS! W informed her that we didn’t mind a bit losing the small amount of privacy afforded by the shrubberies as they were unattractive and due to lack of previous care had spread spindly branches hither and yon and took up too much room in our back yard. Gladys insisted that we must replace them with something to restore privacy, perhaps a fence. W informed her that we didn’t need a fence, but if she desired to put one on her property that would be fine. Eventually she huffed off into her house.

As the workers were removing the shrubs they found an offshoot that had grown over onto Gladys’ property and had taken root there. They left it for her. It is after all on her property, and since she likes the damned things so much she can have it.

I know there are a lot of people who value their privacy, who want to have no prying eyes on them or their property. I happen to not be one of them. I like open views. I like cutting across backyards. Sorry to those of you who want me to stay off your grass. Feel free to cut across my yard anytime you’d like. Feel free to watch me as I do things in my yard if you’d like. I probably won’t waste my time watching you, but I might look over and acknowledge you occasionally, perhaps even smiling and saying hello. If you want your privacy, put shrubberies in your yard or build a fence or whatever, but don’t tell me I have to keep shrubberies on my property to accommodate you. Ain’t happenin’ Gladys. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

And how does this rant belong in my deepest, darkest thoughts? Well, let’s just say that if it were as easy as twitching my nose, dear old Gladys wouldn’t be a problem to anyone anymore.

N Focus

I try to make N my number one priority in my life. I don’t always succeed. In approaching a new life with BJ I have put N’s needs way up towards the top of the list. N needs love and security and peace and safety and comfort. N also needs a mom who is not miserable and depressed much of the time. So I’ve struggled, as those of you who’ve been reading a while, to balance providing N with a stable home and a mom who isn’t miserable. I think I swing too far in both directions occasionally.

My big question that I’m trying to answer now is whether my leaving W is truly the best thing to achieve the best for N or if I am indulging in a bit of self-justification in believing so.

My argument (to myself because I’m not really talking to anybody else about it, if you don't count my three readers here that is) is that W’s treatment of N is too harsh in general, even though they do have their good moments, so breaking up the family is not necessarily a bad thing. Also, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I will personally be a happier person without W, with the exception of the guilt I am bound to feel for abandoning him.

On the other side of the coin, maybe I should be focusing on those good moments W and N share rather than the overriding tension between them, and continue to hope that the good moments will become more frequent and lessen the tension. I can no longer argue, however, even to myself, that I can find a way to be happy with W. I find myself increasingly frustrated with him. Anything I feel for him at this point is closer to pity than love, and that’s no way to run a marriage.

I wish more than anything that I could give N the perfect upbringing, but I’ve already blown that. W has been so different as a parent than I ever imagined he would be. In some ways, he acts like a belligerent child himself, sulking when N hurts his feelings or lashing out with cruel words. It is hard to teach N to act better than that when that is the example set for him on a regular basis.

I tell myself that life will be better for N if W and I split up as it will limit the time they spend together. On the other hand, the time they do spend together will be just the two of them without me there as a buffer, and I know N counts on me to be there to be the buffer.

So what is better for N given that I can’t give him the ideal of a two parent happy home? I’ve tried to make that one work, and it just doesn’t because I just can’t suck it up that well. So will N do better in a one parent happy home or a two parent joyless home? That must be my overriding concern. That must be my focus. Am I fooling myself to think the best for him is for W and me to split up? Is it really just me trying to talk myself into feeling okay about it? Or is it really okay?

Well, I’ve talked in circles here long enough. Now my head hurts.

Guarded Condition

Today’s post addresses the following bullet point from Monday’s post:

I approached the weekend with caution, and probably didn’t let my guard down much until Saturday afternoon/evening.

As I drove to see BJ, and even before that, I thought about the weekend and what I wanted from it, what I hoped to accomplish, and though I hoped for one ending I prepared (or tried to prepare) myself for a different ending. As I drove, I slipped off my wedding rings and placed them safely in a small zippered section of my purse. I wanted to experience the weekend without them, something of a test to see how it would feel.

All I knew going there is that BJ had professed to an epiphany of sorts, that he wanted us back together and didn’t want to lose me. I was not exactly clear on exactly how he envisioned our future or what expectations he had of me. I had offered to sacrifice so much in order to keep him, and I started to wonder if I was really prepared to make that much sacrifice. My thinking was that if he said “fine, yes, make all those sacrifices while I make none, and I will take you back” then he was still coming from a place of immaturity, a place that I didn’t need to take myself. I hoped that he had come to understand that while I was willing to turn my world upside down for him, that it wouldn’t be fair to ask that of anybody, that an expectation of that magnitude would be unrealistic. I hoped that he was ready to approach things from a mature view of reality. I feared that he was not in that place.

Therefore, I approached the weekend with much guardedness, observing him from the moment I arrived. I tried to make the atmosphere relaxed, not wanting him to feel under the microscope even though, in truth, he was. I know I held back some at first, but I don’t know how much he recognized that.

Oh hell, none of this matters. Doctor’s office just called, and they want to do more tests on my left breast next Monday. I hate how nonchalant they are about the whole thing. Crap.

-----------------------------------------------------

2:45 p.m. Picking up where I left off (now that I’ve brought terror back down to mild anxiety):

While I was anxious to seriously discuss with BJ the state of our relationship, I was also just a little apprehensive about it. We spoke a little about it on Friday night but not much. I found it significant though that when I teared up and told him that I had been so afraid of losing him altogether, he apologized. He didn’t give me the kind of non-apology to which I’ve been accustomed in my married life, the “I’m sorry you’re hurt” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” along with a laundry list of self-justification; you know, the apologies that aren’t really apologies. No, BJ simply said “I am so very sorry for that” and looked as though he did indeed feel burdened by having hurt me. Not once did he try to justify it or excuse it, but just apologized with what appeared a genuinely contrite heart. Such a simple thing, and yet it made a world of difference to me and gave me renewed hope that maybe things really were going to be okay somehow.

Little sleep happened on Friday night, a combination of a less than stellar air mattress and two people skin to skin who had been deprived for far too long. However, eventually we did sleep some, probably from sheer exhaustion and having worn ourselves out and didn’t get up until almost 11:30 the next morning. By the time we had breakfast, showered, dressed and watched much of the Iowa football game, it was mid-afternoon. BJ took me on a little tour of his hometown. It was very similar to a good number of fairly small Midwestern towns, but it was nice to be able to see BJ’s world. We eventually ended up parked at the edge of a nearby lake where we sat and finally had our serious talk as we watched the water gently ripple and lap against the shore. We even got to watch a wedding party stop there to have one (that’s right, only one) photo taken of the bride and groom. We both agreed the wedding gown was hideously ugly, and BJ compared it to ugly draperies. (Sorry, unknown bride from last Saturday, but he really was right.)

It was only after our conversation at the lake that I really felt my guardedness slipping away. By the time we finished that conversation, I knew in my heart that we are on the right track together, that we agree about the future, that we now have our canoes pointed in the right direction and eventually if we both stay the course we will be able to tie those canoes together, build a mast and hoist our sails for a lifelong cruise with one another. (Oh, ick, that is just too sappy. I should delete that, but I won’t. Sometimes I like it when I get sappy.)

Home Sweet Home

Still having trouble getting my thoughts together in a coherent manner, trying to decide what topic to tackle in today’s post, and stick with just one topic. I’m kind of fighting off in my mind some of the meatier topics and am tempted to be a bit lighthearted and frivolous here. Well, why fight it? Lighthearted and frivolous it is!

BJ and I live several hours drive from each other. We both live in the Midwest. Boy, is the Midwest ever a big place! It is also not the most scenic place on earth, what with its flat plains, fields of corn and soybeans, the occasional herd of cattle or sheep. Oh sure, the occasional town pops up on the scenery, usually (but not always) complete with a gas station and restaurant or two at the exit, and they are more plentiful, much more plentiful, than the ones you’ll find in the desert southwest. They are not, however, terribly scenic. The Midwest, as seen from our fine Interstate highway system is boring. It is hour upon hour of boring.

For almost half the drive I was in familiar territory, places I’d been before in my lifetime. After that, it was all new to me, except it looked exactly like it had from where I had come! Nothing new to see. Same fields, same cattle, same silos. Well, I know they were different ones than I had seen before, but they looked all the same, over and over the same scenery repeated itself. It reminded me of movies where you’re watching someone driving in a car and you realize after a while that the scenery you’re seeing in the background through the car’s windows is simply a backdrop of a certain length that keeps scrolling by. That was my drive this past weekend. Hour upon hour of farmland, repeating seemingly infinitely. I’m sure I could have driven a few more hours in the same general direction and seen the same general thing.

The strangest thing about all this? I found it very very comforting. It had all the familiarity in the world to me. It felt good and right. It was reminiscent of those long drives to my grandparents’ house when I was a kid when we would load up the car on a Friday afternoon, drive across the flat Midwestern plains, and hours later arrive for a weekend with Grandma and Grandpa only to pack up on Sunday and drive back home.


There is no trick, other than staying awake, to driving in the Midwest. Get on the interstate, point the car in the right direction, set the cruise control on 75, and go. No mountains to climb, no curves (other than exits) to slow you down. It’s easy driving. It is at times like these that I want to be a trucker, out on the open road, on top of the world, power at my control. Not that I would really want to be a trucker, because I sure don’t want to deal with city traffic in a monster like that, but out on the open road, oh yeah.

There are some mighty fine interstates crisscrossing the Midwest, and I encourage you, if you have a chance sometime, to drive on one or more of them watching the fields pass by, appreciating “flyover country.”

Weekend Update

Okay, so you didn’t have to have that much patience before me posting about the weekend. You benefited from my waiting times while running queries this morning. Lucky you.

In football action, the Illini won so that was good. They beat Minnesota. Minnesota doesn’t have a very good team this year so it would have been a huge disappointment if the Illini had lost that one. Next week we face Ohio State in Columbus. I think we can just already chalk that one up to the loss column, but then again flukes happen. You just never know. Yeah, I’ll probably watch it on TV.

What? What’s that? Oh, that part of the weekend. Oh yeah. Right. Ain’t nobody coming around here looking for Illini updates. How is Trueself’s life going? Did she and BJ get back together to live happily ever after? Did they make love at odd hours all through the night and day? Oh yeah that part. Well, I’m coming to that part. Be patient. I’m trying to gather my thoughts, scattered things that they are rattling around in this empty head. I’m trying to organize here. Do I go chronologically, or by theme, or randomly as the thoughts pop into the forefront? As always, more questions than answers here. I think this will be a skimming the surface kind of post, maybe with bullet points, each of which could be fleshed out later in more detailed blogposts if necessary. Ah yes, that’s it! This is a brainstorming post, random thoughts about the weekend. Organization and fleshing out the details to come later. Yes, okay, now I’m ready to start the post.
Ahem.
Yes, so. . .
On with the post:

• It’s a long way to BJ’s place from mine, several hours of monotonous Midwestern plains between us.
• I approached the weekend with caution, and probably didn’t let my guard down much until Saturday afternoon/evening.
• Which is not to say that we didn’t indulge in physical pleasures prior to that, we did. I wasn’t going to be that guarded.
• BJ and I had a long serious discussion on Saturday afternoon, about realities, expectations, fairy tales, plans, patience, intentions.
• It was very difficult, but very necessary, to leave on Sunday, and I ended up leaving about an hour later than I originally intended mostly due to the difficulty in saying goodbye to the man I love for any length of time.
• I pointed out to BJ several times during the weekend that we were being on of those couples whom he has envied so much. We were the couple sitting in the restaurant, smiling, talking, holding hands, looking at each other with love in our eyes.
• I came away from the weekend confident that BJ and I are meant to be US, that we are both going to take the steps we have to take to be US, and that we have agreed to very realistic plans on how to make that happen, plans that don’t include immediacy or magic or inflexibility on either of our parts.

So there you have it. There are probably at least three or four separate posts waiting to be written from those bullet points, but that kind of gives the gist of the weekend. Also, it will serve me well as a reminder to the various points upon which I wish to expand in future posts.

Keep Waiting

I'll get to posting more about the weekend. Be patient. It's a skill we must all learn. In the meantime, I took this quiz to give you more insight into me:

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

Just a Short Update

Back from weekend with BJ.

Tired. Very very tired.

Good times this weekend. Very very good.

No time for more now.

NaBloPoMo and Me

NaBloPoMo stands for National Blog Posting Month. There's a link to the official website in my sidebar. All it requires to participate is to blog at least once a day in November. That kind of seemed like a natural for me as I averaged more than one post per day in October. Funny though that now I've "obligated" myself to post daily I know find myself not feeling very posty or wordy or whatever it is that drives me to blog with frequency.

I'm leaving today to spend the weekend with BJ. I'm not taking my laptop, but maybe if I'm really nice to him he'll let me borrow his to make a quick post tomorrow.

This weekend's agenda from my perspective:
* Reconnect with BJ after over four months since we've seen each other face to face
* Make sure we are on the same page with this relationship, and really talk about our expectations and see if we can start mapping a future that includes the two of us as US.
* Sex. It would be fooling myself to think that this weekend wouldn't include a significant amount of carnal pleasure. Even if we decide there isn't a future for US I know we couldn't be in the same space at the same time without indulging in the physical.

So that's me, today, day 2 of NaBloPoMo.

Kinda Figured I Was Going to Hell

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test