Spent the long weekend with my parents. Dad is at home recuperating from major surgery. Between hospital and SNF he spent almost eight weeks in inpatient care. He is a very private man and doesn’t really like for anyone to know his business so he has sworn my mother to secrecy over the details of the matter. She has been very good about keeping his secrets with one exception. She shares with me because (1) I’m his daughter so she thinks I have a right to know and (2) she knows I can keep a secret. If it were ever to get back to him that she has shared with me the details that she has shared he would be furious with both her and me.
That’s really a huge burden to place on anyone, holding a secret about your failing health. As primary caregiver, Mom has little relief in any way particularly since she can’t really ask for help without giving away at least a little bit of his secrets. In some ways, I understand his desire for privacy, and many times see a bit of that in myself, but it seems unfair to my mom right now. Nobody but the medical professionals they see, and me, understand what he is going through. The medical professionals don’t know, however, that Mom can’t get assistance. Only I am privy to the strain this is putting on her. I offered to take some time off and come help, but she adamantly refused. I guess her thinking is that if I did, Dad would suspect that I know more than I’m supposed to know.
On top of all this, my grandmother (Mom’s mom) is in the hospital a state away with pneumonia. While Mom would normally head down there to see about things for my grandmother, she can’t because she has to be home to take care of Dad.
Emotional Crisis #1:
Worrying about Dad’s health.
Emotional Crisis #2:
Worrying about Mom’s wellbeing given all the stresses in her life.
Emotional Crisis #3:
Worrying that my grandmother is suffering alone.
Now you would think that would be enough right there for one weekend, even a long three day weekend, but then you would be wrong. In our family, when the dam of emotional crises bursts, it releases torrential amounts. This is no stick-your-finger-in-it-and-plug-it leak. No indeed. This weekend was if-emotions-were-floodwaters-we-would-have-covered-more-than-the-great-Midwest-floods-of-2008 time.
This weekend I summoned the courage to tell my parents about the impending divorce. They knew that W and I had not been getting along for a while, but I hadn’t come out and ever said that we were living apart and getting divorced. Now I have. I dreaded it, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I talked to Mom alone and will let her share the news with Dad. I didn’t specifically intend to tell her this weekend, but the opportunity presented itself, the time seemed right, and I spilled my guts. Turns out that Mom and Dad have never been too keen on how W treats N, but of course they never said anything out of respect for me and my marriage.
Emotional Crisis #4:
Dealing with the emotions of talking about the breakup, again, and then processing the relief when the response I got was supportive rather than critical.
But of course we couldn’t just let it go at that. Oh no. Mom decided that now that my marriage is over she could tell me why my brother (FU) has refused to speak to me or allow me access to my nieces for the last four or more years. Apparently, FU hates W and didn’t want W around him or his family. My parents learned this when we were temporarily staying with them a few years ago and going over to FU’s house with them when they would babysit my niece (they only had one at the time). Apparently, he told them that they were not to bring us with them anymore because of W. Their reply was that if we couldn’t come then they wouldn’t be coming. Apparently, this has led to my parents being on the outs with FU ever since then. However, they chose not to ever share any of this with me because they didn’t want to hurt W’s feelings. Now with W out of the picture I guess it’s okay to share it with me. I’m still not sure that I believe FU’s only problem was with W, but I am sure that was at least a part of it.
Emotional Crisis #5:
Dealing with turmoil of learning just how hated W has been in my family and trying to decide how I feel about them feeling that way, them not telling me all this time, and them telling me now.
Thankfully, N missed all of these discussions. He was busy playing with the boys next door so much this weekend that it gave time for ample discussions without his presence. The discussions sure left me tossing and turning Saturday night, and not just from the horrible mattress in my parents’ guest room.
I was grateful to come home yesterday afternoon and to get away from the emotional crises for a while. Then again, why should changing locations make any difference. Why shouldn’t someone heap some more on top of me?
W decided last night would be a good time to broach the topic of splitting assets between us – in detail – as I’ve been bugging him to do for some time. Apparently, he has studied “Divorce for Dummies” and has learned to kick the ex-spouse when they’re down. I listened, half heartedly, but I refused to actually hold a discussion on the topic. I told him I was tired. I told him I would discuss it soon, but not last night. I didn’t tell him why. He sounded frustrated at my refusal to discuss it last night, but I just couldn’t muster the strength or energy or interest. I was wiped out by my weekend. I need a bit of time to rejuvenate.
Emotional Crisis #6:
Feeling overwhelmed when that one last straw hit this camel’s back.
Aaarrrggghhh…
Monday, July 07, 2008
Friday, July 04, 2008
Looking for the Right Adhesive
So we, W and I, made it, sort of, to our 20th anniversary. Twenty years ago today W and I married. I had mixed emotions back then. He asked many times before I finally agreed to marry him.
I knew it was a big step, a huge commitment, and I was somewhat scared of “locking myself in.” However, given that my self esteem was lower than low, and convinced as I was that I would be lucky to ever get any man to marry me, it seemed prudent to not let the one go that was there not only willing but eager to marry me. In addition, I was terrified of what would become of me without W. I had at that time turned my back on my family and feared they would no longer welcome me back. I didn’t have a job and was being supported 100% by W, and had been for the almost two years we’d been living together. I felt backed into a corner, dependent on W, unable to strike out on my own, unable to support myself yet unable to find another man willing to support me.
So I married W, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death us do part. Locked in. Committed. As I write this the image of the cell door clanging shut in my face is vivid. Yet I didn’t really feel that way then. Then I felt lucky. I felt lucky that I had settled my future, made myself a nest that would protect me, found a man who would take care of me. There was also that little niggling thought in the back of my brain that he was so much older than I, and with some fairly serious health issues, that I would spend some 10 or 15 years with him and then be free to move on with a new life. (Yes, I know how bad that sounds. I do. It hurts me to even acknowledge it, but those thoughts were there.)
Fast forward some twenty years. We’ve been through better times and worse times. We’ve been poor for sure and at other times, while not rich, certainly comfortable enough. We’ve each had sickness at times and enjoyed good health at others. That last thing, though, until death us do part, well, that one just ain’t gonna happen. It isn’t for a lack of trying. I know I tried. I tried for as long as I could without going stark raving looney. I believe he tried too, in his own way. We just couldn’t give what the other needed nor be satisfied to take that which we were offered by the other. It just wasn’t working.
Now that W is out of the house, everyone is much happier I think. Even though W can’t (or won’t) acknowledge it I think that even he is much happier. He does his thing (whatever his thing is) when he wants and is only required to spend a limited amount of time with N. It is amazing how much relief he is willing to express when he doesn’t have to spend time with N. You’d think N was the devil incarnate the way W acts. Yet he isn’t. He’s a good kid for the most part. He’s a kid though. He is at times messy and noisy and whiney and insolent and just your typical kid. W can’t handle it. He wants N to be a little adult, but he isn’t. He can’t be. He’s nine. He acts like he’s nine which means sometimes he acts all grown up and sometimes he acts like a toddler and most of the time he acts like a kid.
But I digress. I was discussing the marriage. This past week there were two events that solidified in my mind the absolute impossibility of W and I ever being anything more than cordial co-parents to our son.
Event #1 – N had been wanting W and I to take him to a local restaurant with games where he could spend lots of our money and with the tickets he won get some great “free” prizes (think a little more grown up than Chuck E Cheese and not quite as grown up as Dave & Busters and you’ve got the atmosphere here). It had been a while since we’d attempted anything as the three of us so, while apparently suffering temporary amnesia or maybe insanity, I agreed to the outing. It was a disaster. W, as usual, embarrassed both me and N in front of the waiter. W and N got into an argument over stupid trivial shit. I ended the evening completely frustrated and ever so glad it was over.
Event #2 – N’s baseball team had their end of season party. I arrived before W, and when W arrived he chose to sit next to me. We couldn’t sit for one hour at a party without getting into not one, not two, but three separate arguments. The man will not listen to me. He refuses to respect my decisions about my life (and I’m just talking choice of food here, salad only instead of salad and pizza, no big deal). When he sat down I should have moved to another table, but I didn’t want to look rude.
Now today is the much awaited 20th anniversary. I cringe at the thought that he may send me flowers again, as he did Valentine’s Day and my birthday this year. I have said, and will say, nothing to him about our anniversary. There will be no public acknowledgement of it by me. It will be our last anniversary for I am certain the divorce will be final within the next year.
For all my frustration with W, I still care about him. I can’t help but care about him after more than 20 years with him. It is abundantly clear though that me caring about him, and him caring about me, isn’t enough to keep us together. The glue is gone. Unfortunately, that which held us together – the fear of being alone – just wasn’t enough to hold any longer. If you want a strong bond, use the right glue. Fear is rarely ever the right glue.
I knew it was a big step, a huge commitment, and I was somewhat scared of “locking myself in.” However, given that my self esteem was lower than low, and convinced as I was that I would be lucky to ever get any man to marry me, it seemed prudent to not let the one go that was there not only willing but eager to marry me. In addition, I was terrified of what would become of me without W. I had at that time turned my back on my family and feared they would no longer welcome me back. I didn’t have a job and was being supported 100% by W, and had been for the almost two years we’d been living together. I felt backed into a corner, dependent on W, unable to strike out on my own, unable to support myself yet unable to find another man willing to support me.
So I married W, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death us do part. Locked in. Committed. As I write this the image of the cell door clanging shut in my face is vivid. Yet I didn’t really feel that way then. Then I felt lucky. I felt lucky that I had settled my future, made myself a nest that would protect me, found a man who would take care of me. There was also that little niggling thought in the back of my brain that he was so much older than I, and with some fairly serious health issues, that I would spend some 10 or 15 years with him and then be free to move on with a new life. (Yes, I know how bad that sounds. I do. It hurts me to even acknowledge it, but those thoughts were there.)
Fast forward some twenty years. We’ve been through better times and worse times. We’ve been poor for sure and at other times, while not rich, certainly comfortable enough. We’ve each had sickness at times and enjoyed good health at others. That last thing, though, until death us do part, well, that one just ain’t gonna happen. It isn’t for a lack of trying. I know I tried. I tried for as long as I could without going stark raving looney. I believe he tried too, in his own way. We just couldn’t give what the other needed nor be satisfied to take that which we were offered by the other. It just wasn’t working.
Now that W is out of the house, everyone is much happier I think. Even though W can’t (or won’t) acknowledge it I think that even he is much happier. He does his thing (whatever his thing is) when he wants and is only required to spend a limited amount of time with N. It is amazing how much relief he is willing to express when he doesn’t have to spend time with N. You’d think N was the devil incarnate the way W acts. Yet he isn’t. He’s a good kid for the most part. He’s a kid though. He is at times messy and noisy and whiney and insolent and just your typical kid. W can’t handle it. He wants N to be a little adult, but he isn’t. He can’t be. He’s nine. He acts like he’s nine which means sometimes he acts all grown up and sometimes he acts like a toddler and most of the time he acts like a kid.
But I digress. I was discussing the marriage. This past week there were two events that solidified in my mind the absolute impossibility of W and I ever being anything more than cordial co-parents to our son.
Event #1 – N had been wanting W and I to take him to a local restaurant with games where he could spend lots of our money and with the tickets he won get some great “free” prizes (think a little more grown up than Chuck E Cheese and not quite as grown up as Dave & Busters and you’ve got the atmosphere here). It had been a while since we’d attempted anything as the three of us so, while apparently suffering temporary amnesia or maybe insanity, I agreed to the outing. It was a disaster. W, as usual, embarrassed both me and N in front of the waiter. W and N got into an argument over stupid trivial shit. I ended the evening completely frustrated and ever so glad it was over.
Event #2 – N’s baseball team had their end of season party. I arrived before W, and when W arrived he chose to sit next to me. We couldn’t sit for one hour at a party without getting into not one, not two, but three separate arguments. The man will not listen to me. He refuses to respect my decisions about my life (and I’m just talking choice of food here, salad only instead of salad and pizza, no big deal). When he sat down I should have moved to another table, but I didn’t want to look rude.
Now today is the much awaited 20th anniversary. I cringe at the thought that he may send me flowers again, as he did Valentine’s Day and my birthday this year. I have said, and will say, nothing to him about our anniversary. There will be no public acknowledgement of it by me. It will be our last anniversary for I am certain the divorce will be final within the next year.
For all my frustration with W, I still care about him. I can’t help but care about him after more than 20 years with him. It is abundantly clear though that me caring about him, and him caring about me, isn’t enough to keep us together. The glue is gone. Unfortunately, that which held us together – the fear of being alone – just wasn’t enough to hold any longer. If you want a strong bond, use the right glue. Fear is rarely ever the right glue.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Always Knew I Was Sharp
You are a Knife |
 You are precise, determined, and detail oriented. You mean what you say, and you say what you mean. You enjoy taking risks and living on the edge. You are a controversial person. You opinions tend to be divisive. |
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Yeah, That's Me
Given the weekend I just had, this seemed like an appropriate quiz to take, and by golly, the results were pretty accurate too.
And then I took this test and scored a ZERO, no kidding!
Your result for The What's your sexual style? Test...
TYPE M
You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, SUBMISSIVE lover who prefers to RECEIVE.
This means that:
You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.
You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.
You tend to be submissive in bed, so you prefer to go along with what your lover likes rather than your own plans. You might like being ordered around and acting out a slave/master fantasy, or perhaps you just get turned on by being helpless and unable to move. Or maybe it's as simple as you lacking courage so prefering firm instructions in bed to make sure you are doing things right. Either way, you won't be dominating your lover anytime soon, and might prefer the missionary position to any others.
You would rather Receive than Give. This usually applies more to Oral sex than anything else, and other types of foreplay. This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe you are just very hooked on the sensation of orgasm, maybe you feel you deserve to be treated like a god/goddess, maybe you just aren't confident about your skills when it comes to returning the favour. Maybe you are lazy. Or maybe your partner loves to give and that suits you fine, so everyone is happy. Either way, remember to be a giver sometimes too, as long as your partner likes it.
WE SUGGEST YOU TRY:
Being Blindfolded and even tied up with scarves, and letting your partner tease, tickle and delight you, in the most tempting way. You are confident and imaginative enough to not mind them doing all sorts of fun things to you, surprises and frustratingly out of your reach pleasure. Just like back and enjoy, and maybe you can return the favour, maybe not.
This means that:
You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.
You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.
You tend to be submissive in bed, so you prefer to go along with what your lover likes rather than your own plans. You might like being ordered around and acting out a slave/master fantasy, or perhaps you just get turned on by being helpless and unable to move. Or maybe it's as simple as you lacking courage so prefering firm instructions in bed to make sure you are doing things right. Either way, you won't be dominating your lover anytime soon, and might prefer the missionary position to any others.
You would rather Receive than Give. This usually applies more to Oral sex than anything else, and other types of foreplay. This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe you are just very hooked on the sensation of orgasm, maybe you feel you deserve to be treated like a god/goddess, maybe you just aren't confident about your skills when it comes to returning the favour. Maybe you are lazy. Or maybe your partner loves to give and that suits you fine, so everyone is happy. Either way, remember to be a giver sometimes too, as long as your partner likes it.
WE SUGGEST YOU TRY:
Being Blindfolded and even tied up with scarves, and letting your partner tease, tickle and delight you, in the most tempting way. You are confident and imaginative enough to not mind them doing all sorts of fun things to you, surprises and frustratingly out of your reach pleasure. Just like back and enjoy, and maybe you can return the favour, maybe not.
Take The What's your sexual style? Test at HelloQuizzy
And then I took this test and scored a ZERO, no kidding!
Your result for The Sexuality Spectrum Test...
Bisexual
You are evenly bisexual. You have no gender preference when it comes to sex. If you are sexually inexperienced, it is possible that this will change after you do some experimenting.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Blog Swap!
In his never ending attempt to jump the shark, FTN is hosting a Blog Swap. Today, on various blogs you'll find guest posts from other bloggers. You'll be able to find my guest post over on A Rock Feels No Pain.
Here on Deepest Darkest Thoughts, it is my great pleasure to welcome Buttafly. Without further ado, here is her post.
Random Thoughts
So I am embarking on this new experience. Maybe this is a way to get to know different people. I seem to enjoy meeting new people- but I can't get past this "sounding lame" stage. Does everyone go through that on some sort of level, or am I a nerd and in the dark on this one?
My internet name is Buttafly32681. I just get called Butta or Buttafly. Which is fine- I've had this screen name for so long- and it came from my love of butterflies. I collect them. I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls. Ages 2 and 4. I am a wife of 5 years and have been together with my work-a-holic for just about 9 years. For some reason I am still unable to be a stay at home mom. I actually started blogging to track my 1st pregnancy. I closed that blog a few months after she was born- and here I have been ever since. I started blogging in April after losing touch for a while. I came here to try and express how I feel with out people in my life really knowing about it. I have had these problems with being a little emotionally unstable. I have had some really great friends that have gotten me through rough times- so this was never a real issue for me. But they all have their own families and lives now.... I only see the Hubby 2 1/2 days a week and he just hasn't been able to provide the amount of emotional support that I really need. I don't feel I am failing- but going through a rough patch. We are working on this but I am having a hard time trying to de-stress and please myself. So here I am blogging again. And to be quite honest, I am not sure if I have even spoken/written about how emotionally unhappy I have been. Maybe its been a way for me to talk about everthing else- so it helps me try and work on the stress of this emotional issue that is so important to me. With out this emotional support I have found that I stay frustrated, and stress more- and the sex is not good enough. I have also had thoughts about adultry. I don't think that if it ever really came down to it that I would preform adultry, but the thought has been there. I also don't feel my mind is crazy enough to need any kind of therapist or counselor. Besides- I can hardly keep up with the house chores, kids and work- how could I find time to go tell someone else my problems.
Today we have gotten the letter from our school district saying that Big Z was accepted into the preschool. All that we have to do is provide transportation. This means that I do NOT have to pay. This will also be a start for us to possibly enter a new daycare. One that is closer and less crazy. I would get into that, but that is a whole differnt blog.
have sat here long enough and have gone into one of those "writers block" or what ever you want to call this. So I am ending this now! I hope to have future comments, and guest bloggers in the near future!!
Buttafly32681
http://www.crazylove25.blogspot.com
Here on Deepest Darkest Thoughts, it is my great pleasure to welcome Buttafly. Without further ado, here is her post.
Random Thoughts
So I am embarking on this new experience. Maybe this is a way to get to know different people. I seem to enjoy meeting new people- but I can't get past this "sounding lame" stage. Does everyone go through that on some sort of level, or am I a nerd and in the dark on this one?
My internet name is Buttafly32681. I just get called Butta or Buttafly. Which is fine- I've had this screen name for so long- and it came from my love of butterflies. I collect them. I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls. Ages 2 and 4. I am a wife of 5 years and have been together with my work-a-holic for just about 9 years. For some reason I am still unable to be a stay at home mom. I actually started blogging to track my 1st pregnancy. I closed that blog a few months after she was born- and here I have been ever since. I started blogging in April after losing touch for a while. I came here to try and express how I feel with out people in my life really knowing about it. I have had these problems with being a little emotionally unstable. I have had some really great friends that have gotten me through rough times- so this was never a real issue for me. But they all have their own families and lives now.... I only see the Hubby 2 1/2 days a week and he just hasn't been able to provide the amount of emotional support that I really need. I don't feel I am failing- but going through a rough patch. We are working on this but I am having a hard time trying to de-stress and please myself. So here I am blogging again. And to be quite honest, I am not sure if I have even spoken/written about how emotionally unhappy I have been. Maybe its been a way for me to talk about everthing else- so it helps me try and work on the stress of this emotional issue that is so important to me. With out this emotional support I have found that I stay frustrated, and stress more- and the sex is not good enough. I have also had thoughts about adultry. I don't think that if it ever really came down to it that I would preform adultry, but the thought has been there. I also don't feel my mind is crazy enough to need any kind of therapist or counselor. Besides- I can hardly keep up with the house chores, kids and work- how could I find time to go tell someone else my problems.
Today we have gotten the letter from our school district saying that Big Z was accepted into the preschool. All that we have to do is provide transportation. This means that I do NOT have to pay. This will also be a start for us to possibly enter a new daycare. One that is closer and less crazy. I would get into that, but that is a whole differnt blog.
have sat here long enough and have gone into one of those "writers block" or what ever you want to call this. So I am ending this now! I hope to have future comments, and guest bloggers in the near future!!
Buttafly32681
http://www.crazylove25.blogspot.com
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Things I'm Not Liking
- Giving in to
- Wondering if I'm turning into a
- Feeling
- Wondering if the situation calls for
or if perhaps someone needs to make a
Then again maybe it's all just
Yeah. . .
Whatever. . .
Free Time
OMG, I actually have some free time on my hands. N is off to basketball camp at the great big U of I where he’ll hobnob with his favorite players, particularly Trent Meacham. I have the whole house to myself until Sunday. Aaaahhhh…..
Normally, I would look at this as time I needed to be doing something productive like cleaning house or something. However, given that my leg still hurts when I stand or walk too much, and particularly given that two “angels among us” are going to be coming in the next couple of weeks to help me declutter, I intend to use this time to rest. That’s right. Other than going to work, I intend to sit on my butt with my bum leg elevated on soft pillows and relax without guilt. Why, I might even just take a nap or two in the next few days.
more cat pictures
Ah, is there anything sweeter than uninterrupted peace and quiet?
Normally, I would look at this as time I needed to be doing something productive like cleaning house or something. However, given that my leg still hurts when I stand or walk too much, and particularly given that two “angels among us” are going to be coming in the next couple of weeks to help me declutter, I intend to use this time to rest. That’s right. Other than going to work, I intend to sit on my butt with my bum leg elevated on soft pillows and relax without guilt. Why, I might even just take a nap or two in the next few days.
more cat pictures
Ah, is there anything sweeter than uninterrupted peace and quiet?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Starting Every Day with Tears
That's what I've done so far this week. I know. Only two days into the week. Yeah, yeah. Nevertheless, both days this week so far I have come into work, opened my email and started my day with tears.
Yesterday the minister who is kind of interim pastoring until we get a real interim pastor sent an email sharing the text of her sermon from Sunday. I had missed the Sunday service due to my bum leg (it bothered me tremendously that day) so getting to read the sermon was nice. Reading it, though, is what brought tears to my eyes. Her words went straight to my heart. I emailed her a response and shared my reaction and why it meant so much to me.
This morning I arrived at work, opened my email and there was her reply back to me. It was kind. It was touching. The tears rolled, again.
What's up with this weeping on a daily basis? Is it because of my stupid period? Is it because my leg is hurting, and I'm wondering how long it will take for it to ever get better? Grow up girl! Never let 'em see you sweat. Tough it out. Stand strong.
I seriously need to get over myself.
Yesterday the minister who is kind of interim pastoring until we get a real interim pastor sent an email sharing the text of her sermon from Sunday. I had missed the Sunday service due to my bum leg (it bothered me tremendously that day) so getting to read the sermon was nice. Reading it, though, is what brought tears to my eyes. Her words went straight to my heart. I emailed her a response and shared my reaction and why it meant so much to me.
This morning I arrived at work, opened my email and there was her reply back to me. It was kind. It was touching. The tears rolled, again.
What's up with this weeping on a daily basis? Is it because of my stupid period? Is it because my leg is hurting, and I'm wondering how long it will take for it to ever get better? Grow up girl! Never let 'em see you sweat. Tough it out. Stand strong.
I seriously need to get over myself.
Monday, June 23, 2008
RIP George Carlin
I thoroughly enjoyed George Carlin's humor. As a Christian maybe I shouldn't have had such an appreciation of some of his humor, but I did and do. I saw him perform in Vegas a few years ago. At the time he was preparing for one of his HBO specials and was using his gig in Vegas to try out some new routines he wanted to use. I loved the entire show, even when he'd mess up, refer to his notes, and start again. It was kind of cool to be allowed to be there (one of only thousands) to watch as he worked on getting that show together. I suppose some would feel short-changed to pay full price for a show that lacked that "finished product" polish. Not me. I loved it. I loved that George Carlin just was who he was. Take him or leave him. It didn't matter to him. George Carlin was a man of integrity. He spoke his mind and didn't let what others might think stop him from speaking his thoughts.
The following is a routine that many Christians would hate, but not me. I love it. Why? Because it reminds me what non-Christians see of my religion. It reminds me how important it is to be as true a reflection of God's image as possible. It reminds me that when those who claim to be Christians need to be careful how we present ourselves, our churches, and our faith to the outside world.
The following is a routine that many Christians would hate, but not me. I love it. Why? Because it reminds me what non-Christians see of my religion. It reminds me how important it is to be as true a reflection of God's image as possible. It reminds me that when those who claim to be Christians need to be careful how we present ourselves, our churches, and our faith to the outside world.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Up Next: Another Episode of "Let's Talk Sex" with TS and N
The worst part of telling your child that you are open to answering any questions he may have about his body's private parts and how they work and what they are for is that the child feels free to come and ask you all manner of questions.
Tonight's topic: Erections.
Yes, N wanted to discuss erections, hard ons, stiffies, boners. Why do they happen when he sees a girl that he thinks is pretty? Is there any way to control them? What if a girl sees that he has one? What would happen if his teacher noticed he had one? What are they for anyway? Why do you have to have one to have sex? Why can't you pee when you have one? As a woman I had no idea the amount of thought a boy of nine could devote to one subject. Where was the little boy who flits from topic to topic? Nope, not tonight. Tonight we probably spent a good 20 minutes on the. . . (wait for it. . . it's so bad. . . a really bad double entendre here. . .) ins and outs of erections.
True to my word I answered each and every question to the best of my ability. I must be doing something right. After all, if he's comfortable enough to discuss topics like this with me, there aint' gonna be much he won't feel comfortable asking me. Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Tonight's topic: Erections.
Yes, N wanted to discuss erections, hard ons, stiffies, boners. Why do they happen when he sees a girl that he thinks is pretty? Is there any way to control them? What if a girl sees that he has one? What would happen if his teacher noticed he had one? What are they for anyway? Why do you have to have one to have sex? Why can't you pee when you have one? As a woman I had no idea the amount of thought a boy of nine could devote to one subject. Where was the little boy who flits from topic to topic? Nope, not tonight. Tonight we probably spent a good 20 minutes on the. . . (wait for it. . . it's so bad. . . a really bad double entendre here. . .) ins and outs of erections.
True to my word I answered each and every question to the best of my ability. I must be doing something right. After all, if he's comfortable enough to discuss topics like this with me, there aint' gonna be much he won't feel comfortable asking me. Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A Meme (sorry I couldn't think of a clever title)
Bunny tagged me about a bazillion days ago with a meme. I promised her I'd get right on it, and, ahem, after a bit of procrastination here it is:
1. What was I doing ten years ago?
Getting over losing my almost-daughter when the adoption fell through and had just been matched up with N's birth mother to try to adopt one more time. As much as it hurt to lose my little girl, I realize that if I had gotten to adopt that little girl I would never have had N and that is unthinkable to me.
2. What are five things on my list to do today?
1. Work
2. Pay Bills
3. Rest
4. Try to feel better
5. Try not to resent people who don't think my injury is that bad
3. Snacks I enjoy?
Lately it's been ice cream when craving sweets and tortilla chips with guacamole when craving salty snacks.
4. Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire?
Set up a trust to take care of N's education. Then take an around the world cruise. Quit my job and become heavily involved in politics to work to bring real democracy back to this great nation.
5. Three of my bad habits?
1. Procrastination
2. Eating the wrong foods
3. Adultery
Hmm, these are exactly the same as what Bunny said, but they are just as true for me as for her.
6. Five places I have lived?
1. Dallas, TX
2. Northern CA coast (could even watch the fishing boats leave and arrive from my living room window)
3. My parents' house
4. FAR (people familiar with the U of I will understand this one)
5. In my own little world in my head
7. Five jobs I’ve had?
1. Babysitter
2. Test tube washer
3. Food service worker
4. Professor's aide
5. Accountant
8. How did you name your blog?
I started it at a time when I was in the throes of the deepest depression I've ever had, and I started it at a time when I, the faithful wife of many years, was considering having an affair. This blog was a place to dump all those thoughts -- the really deep and dark thoughts I couldn't share in real life. Thus was born "Deepest Darkest Thoughts."
I’m supposed to tag 5-6 people now. Screw it. You wanna do this meme, then do it. You don't wanna, then don't. Yeah, I have an attitude problem these days. So sue me.
1. What was I doing ten years ago?
Getting over losing my almost-daughter when the adoption fell through and had just been matched up with N's birth mother to try to adopt one more time. As much as it hurt to lose my little girl, I realize that if I had gotten to adopt that little girl I would never have had N and that is unthinkable to me.
2. What are five things on my list to do today?
1. Work
2. Pay Bills
3. Rest
4. Try to feel better
5. Try not to resent people who don't think my injury is that bad
3. Snacks I enjoy?
Lately it's been ice cream when craving sweets and tortilla chips with guacamole when craving salty snacks.
4. Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire?
Set up a trust to take care of N's education. Then take an around the world cruise. Quit my job and become heavily involved in politics to work to bring real democracy back to this great nation.
5. Three of my bad habits?
1. Procrastination
2. Eating the wrong foods
3. Adultery
Hmm, these are exactly the same as what Bunny said, but they are just as true for me as for her.
6. Five places I have lived?
1. Dallas, TX
2. Northern CA coast (could even watch the fishing boats leave and arrive from my living room window)
3. My parents' house
4. FAR (people familiar with the U of I will understand this one)
5. In my own little world in my head
7. Five jobs I’ve had?
1. Babysitter
2. Test tube washer
3. Food service worker
4. Professor's aide
5. Accountant
8. How did you name your blog?
I started it at a time when I was in the throes of the deepest depression I've ever had, and I started it at a time when I, the faithful wife of many years, was considering having an affair. This blog was a place to dump all those thoughts -- the really deep and dark thoughts I couldn't share in real life. Thus was born "Deepest Darkest Thoughts."
I’m supposed to tag 5-6 people now. Screw it. You wanna do this meme, then do it. You don't wanna, then don't. Yeah, I have an attitude problem these days. So sue me.
Monday, June 16, 2008
But Nobody Warned Me About Saturday the 14th
Friday the 13th went off without a hitch, smooth as could be. Silly superstitions.
Then came Saturday the 14th. Oh sure it started just fine. Slept in. Had a slow sleepy morning. Had coffee. Finally got dressed. Went out for breakfast (brunch? lunch?) after 1:00 in the afternoon. Helped BJ find some stuff at a garage sale for his apartment. Went back to BJ's apartment and just hung out. We intended to go to a movie on Saturday night. We headed out.
Then IT happened. Proof positive that it is never good to be too happy or too comfortable because inevitably something will happen to bring you back down. Yes, I proved once again just clumsy I can be. I took a header off the top of the front steps at BJ's apartment building. Fortunately there were only two steps. Unfortunately, they are made of concrete, really sturdy hard unforgiving concrete. I scraped my right knee and right shin. I scraped and bruised my left palm just a little. And then, there was my left leg. Oh heavens don't I wish I didn't have that left leg. It has a scrape about an inch and a half wide from the knee to halfway down the shin. It was also pretty sore that night. Needless to say we missed our movie, and BJ took very good care of me that night. He asked if I thought I should go to the ER and I said no. I really thought it wasn't anything more than some scrapes and bruising.
So Sunday I got up and drove home. I was surprised how painful the left leg was. To put weight on it is virtually unbearable. On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain when I put the left leg down is around an 8 or 9. I decided, finally, in the afternoon that maybe I ought to call the nurseline to see if I should be concerned about a possible break. Her advice was to go to urgent care and be seen, but that I should be driven by another adult. So I called BJ, and when he arrived we were standing in the front hallway preparing to leave when I, in my best drama queen fashion, fainted. He called 911 and soon I was on my way to the ER. They checked me out, determined the fainting was probably due to a combo of the pain and not having eaten much that day, and the x-rays showed no breaks in the leg. God bless him, BJ stayed with me through two boring hours in the ER, and then went and got my prescription filled for the pain meds the doctor prescribed. He also took me through a drive thru to get some dinner. He took me home, helped me settle in and even fed the dog for me. BJ was a true angel.
Today I'm at home, miserable, but I'm thinking that I'll have to find a way to bear the pain and take care of myself and N. I have no other choice. I'm glad it's time for another pain pill.
Then came Saturday the 14th. Oh sure it started just fine. Slept in. Had a slow sleepy morning. Had coffee. Finally got dressed. Went out for breakfast (brunch? lunch?) after 1:00 in the afternoon. Helped BJ find some stuff at a garage sale for his apartment. Went back to BJ's apartment and just hung out. We intended to go to a movie on Saturday night. We headed out.
Then IT happened. Proof positive that it is never good to be too happy or too comfortable because inevitably something will happen to bring you back down. Yes, I proved once again just clumsy I can be. I took a header off the top of the front steps at BJ's apartment building. Fortunately there were only two steps. Unfortunately, they are made of concrete, really sturdy hard unforgiving concrete. I scraped my right knee and right shin. I scraped and bruised my left palm just a little. And then, there was my left leg. Oh heavens don't I wish I didn't have that left leg. It has a scrape about an inch and a half wide from the knee to halfway down the shin. It was also pretty sore that night. Needless to say we missed our movie, and BJ took very good care of me that night. He asked if I thought I should go to the ER and I said no. I really thought it wasn't anything more than some scrapes and bruising.
So Sunday I got up and drove home. I was surprised how painful the left leg was. To put weight on it is virtually unbearable. On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain when I put the left leg down is around an 8 or 9. I decided, finally, in the afternoon that maybe I ought to call the nurseline to see if I should be concerned about a possible break. Her advice was to go to urgent care and be seen, but that I should be driven by another adult. So I called BJ, and when he arrived we were standing in the front hallway preparing to leave when I, in my best drama queen fashion, fainted. He called 911 and soon I was on my way to the ER. They checked me out, determined the fainting was probably due to a combo of the pain and not having eaten much that day, and the x-rays showed no breaks in the leg. God bless him, BJ stayed with me through two boring hours in the ER, and then went and got my prescription filled for the pain meds the doctor prescribed. He also took me through a drive thru to get some dinner. He took me home, helped me settle in and even fed the dog for me. BJ was a true angel.
Today I'm at home, miserable, but I'm thinking that I'll have to find a way to bear the pain and take care of myself and N. I have no other choice. I'm glad it's time for another pain pill.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Paraskavedekatriaphobia
Never heard of it? It’s the fear of Friday the 13th.
I try not to be superstitious. . . but I am. I just might as well admit it, because as much as I want it not to be true it is true. I can not pass a penny without picking it up, even though I tell myself that not picking it up will not in any way bring me bad luck. Yet I still pick it up. I will not walk under a ladder. I will turn another direction to avoid allowing a black cat to cross my path. I did finally get over the not stepping on a crack. That one was too hard, and I had ample proof that my mother’s back was just fine in spite of my stepping on many cracks.
And then there’s Friday the 13th. I have never had anything particularly bad happen to me on a Friday the 13th. As a matter of fact, the worst things that have happened in my life (like being hit by a car) happened neither on a Friday nor on the 13th of the month. Yet I get a little twinge anytime a month rolls around with the 13th falling squarely on a Friday. As irrational as it is, I am more cautious on that day than any other. As irrational as it is, anything that goes wrong that day I just chalk up to the day and date. As irrational as it is, if it turns out to be a pretty good day I feel like I’ve cheated fate.
As educated as I am I should know better than to believe in superstitions, and on one level, I don’t. However, there’s always that little voice in the back of my head that says, “Better safe than sorry.” I heed that voice and follow those superstitions “just in case.”
So what will I be doing today, Friday, June 13, 2008? Being very, very careful. I will drive extra carefully, watch extra carefully for traffic when walking, weigh my words extra carefully when speaking with those at work. After work, I’ll be heading to BJ’s for the weekend. I intend to snuggle in his arms and let him protect me until Saturday the 14th dawns.
I try not to be superstitious. . . but I am. I just might as well admit it, because as much as I want it not to be true it is true. I can not pass a penny without picking it up, even though I tell myself that not picking it up will not in any way bring me bad luck. Yet I still pick it up. I will not walk under a ladder. I will turn another direction to avoid allowing a black cat to cross my path. I did finally get over the not stepping on a crack. That one was too hard, and I had ample proof that my mother’s back was just fine in spite of my stepping on many cracks.
And then there’s Friday the 13th. I have never had anything particularly bad happen to me on a Friday the 13th. As a matter of fact, the worst things that have happened in my life (like being hit by a car) happened neither on a Friday nor on the 13th of the month. Yet I get a little twinge anytime a month rolls around with the 13th falling squarely on a Friday. As irrational as it is, I am more cautious on that day than any other. As irrational as it is, anything that goes wrong that day I just chalk up to the day and date. As irrational as it is, if it turns out to be a pretty good day I feel like I’ve cheated fate.
As educated as I am I should know better than to believe in superstitions, and on one level, I don’t. However, there’s always that little voice in the back of my head that says, “Better safe than sorry.” I heed that voice and follow those superstitions “just in case.”
So what will I be doing today, Friday, June 13, 2008? Being very, very careful. I will drive extra carefully, watch extra carefully for traffic when walking, weigh my words extra carefully when speaking with those at work. After work, I’ll be heading to BJ’s for the weekend. I intend to snuggle in his arms and let him protect me until Saturday the 14th dawns.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I'm Such a Rebel
I made a call in my cubicle yesterday to arrange to have someone come out and service my A/C at home.
I mean, for goodness’ sake, my calendar is right there on my computer screen. I’m supposed to make calls like this on my cell phone, away from my desk, and try to remember my calendar so that I know when to schedule an appointment?
I am not enough of a rebel, though, to do it when anyone was around. I waited until the two people in cubicles closest to mine were gone to a meeting. Wimp!
I mean, for goodness’ sake, my calendar is right there on my computer screen. I’m supposed to make calls like this on my cell phone, away from my desk, and try to remember my calendar so that I know when to schedule an appointment?
I am not enough of a rebel, though, to do it when anyone was around. I waited until the two people in cubicles closest to mine were gone to a meeting. Wimp!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
How to Make a Shy Person Retreat Further
Had my annual review at work recently. It sucked. Or rather, I suck. I have finally found a job I really, really like, and I suck at it.
I work differently than some others, and that’s not okay even though the quality of my work is excellent according to my review. There is no appreciation for my way of working on several different projects at one time and finishing them by their deadlines, rather than working on one project from start to finish, then the next, then the next. It seems to me to be a style difference only, and not one of great consequence. My supervisor does not agree.
Also, the quantity of my work is inadequate, and quite honestly, I would have to agree with my supervisor on that point. When I first started I would get everything finished that was assigned to me and had a hard time finding things to do to keep myself from massive boredom. I slowed way down, paced myself, so I didn’t have so much spare time. I guess I’m afraid to get things done too quickly because if I do then what? I don’t know, and therein lies the problem. When I get things done quickly and ask what to do next my supervisor rarely has anything for me so I’m left to my own devices. I am not sure how to proceed other than speeding back up and documenting copiously how I am spending my time so that the next time it comes up I can point to the times I’ve requested direction from my supervisor as to what he would like me to do next, and the responses I get.
Also, an unnamed coworker complained about me taking personal phone calls at my desk so I’ve been forbidden to have personal calls at my desk. Any personal calls have to be made from, or taken on, my cell phone somewhere other than my cubicle. Now, if this was the overall company rule I wouldn’t have nearly the problem with it that I do given that it’s just me that has to follow this rule. Others receive and make personal calls from their desks. I know they do because I hear them. Maybe I should complain about them to our supervisor.
Yeah, I’m bitter. I know that there is some level of truth to the problems he pointed out. I also know that he gave me no chance to make suggestions of how we might work to resolve the issues. Basically it was a “shape up or ship out” message. So now I come to work feeling alienated from my supervisor and my coworkers. I still really enjoy the kind of work I’m doing, but I no longer feel the camaraderie that I used to feel. I come in, sit at my desk, do my work, and speak to no one.
I totally suck. . .
I work differently than some others, and that’s not okay even though the quality of my work is excellent according to my review. There is no appreciation for my way of working on several different projects at one time and finishing them by their deadlines, rather than working on one project from start to finish, then the next, then the next. It seems to me to be a style difference only, and not one of great consequence. My supervisor does not agree.
Also, the quantity of my work is inadequate, and quite honestly, I would have to agree with my supervisor on that point. When I first started I would get everything finished that was assigned to me and had a hard time finding things to do to keep myself from massive boredom. I slowed way down, paced myself, so I didn’t have so much spare time. I guess I’m afraid to get things done too quickly because if I do then what? I don’t know, and therein lies the problem. When I get things done quickly and ask what to do next my supervisor rarely has anything for me so I’m left to my own devices. I am not sure how to proceed other than speeding back up and documenting copiously how I am spending my time so that the next time it comes up I can point to the times I’ve requested direction from my supervisor as to what he would like me to do next, and the responses I get.
Also, an unnamed coworker complained about me taking personal phone calls at my desk so I’ve been forbidden to have personal calls at my desk. Any personal calls have to be made from, or taken on, my cell phone somewhere other than my cubicle. Now, if this was the overall company rule I wouldn’t have nearly the problem with it that I do given that it’s just me that has to follow this rule. Others receive and make personal calls from their desks. I know they do because I hear them. Maybe I should complain about them to our supervisor.
Yeah, I’m bitter. I know that there is some level of truth to the problems he pointed out. I also know that he gave me no chance to make suggestions of how we might work to resolve the issues. Basically it was a “shape up or ship out” message. So now I come to work feeling alienated from my supervisor and my coworkers. I still really enjoy the kind of work I’m doing, but I no longer feel the camaraderie that I used to feel. I come in, sit at my desk, do my work, and speak to no one.
I totally suck. . .
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Lucky Me
N finished the school year this past week, and this weekend his soccer team was to play in a tournament near Indianapolis, two games on Saturday and two on Sunday. Because of the lengthy drive we went on Friday night and arrived at our motel in Franklin, IN late that evening. Now there's no reason for anyone to have heard of Franklin, IN. It's a small town just a ways south of Indianapolis just along I-65.
We went to bed shortly after our arrival ready to get up early for Saturday morning's soccer game. Then the storm hit, the one coming from the dark ugly clouds we'd seen before the sun set as we drove through Indiana. The lightning flashed, the thunder rolled, the rain came down in sheets and in buckets and kept on coming all night long.
Saturday morning dawned with no letdown in the storm. Hearing the thunder rumble I knew we wouldn't be playing the morning game. Upon going downstairs I learned from other parents that so far the afternoon game was still a go, and that the breakfast area of our motel was flooded. Flooded?!? Eh, I chalked it up to poor building design. N played with some of the other boys on the team to occupy the time. I tried to get on the laptop for some blog time, but alas, the hotel's wifi wasn't working. By lunchtime we knew that no games would be played on Saturday at all. Although the storm was clearing there was some flooding being reported. By mid-afternoon we knew the entire tournament was canceled. However, we also found out that the flooding was more extensive than we'd realized. There would be no trips into the town of Franklin because the road was closed. There would be no trip home that day either because that road was closed too. Apparently, I was lucky enough to arrive in central Indiana just in time to be part of the worst flood there since the early 1900's. Lucky me. Truth be told, I was very, very lucky. I didn't lose my house and belongings in the flood like several who stayed last night at the motel. I didn't have to be wheeled out of my nursing home and taken to a motel not knowing for sure what I was doing. I didn't have to see my neighbors' cars covered over in muddy water. Nope, I was pretty darned lucky. All I suffered was a bit of inconvenience of traveling to a tournament that was canceled. When all is said and done I am among the lucky, today, this weekend, and in life. Yet I dare to whine about trivial shit. Sometimes, God uses things that happen to us to hit us upside the head and give us some perspective.
I arrived home today grateful that I have an intact house, a wonderful son, a great boyfriend, a super dog, and more material things than anyone should ever want. I sit here in my house now safe and sound. I'll be praying for the folks in Indiana devastated by this weekend's floods. I ask that those of you who are the praying kind to do likewise. If you happen to have a few extra bucks sitting around you might even consider sending it to the American Red Cross. They are doing some awesome work amongst the flood victims and I'm sure they could use any assistance you might be able to offer.
There are some really good pictures of the flood at the Indianapolis Star's website if you care to see them.
We went to bed shortly after our arrival ready to get up early for Saturday morning's soccer game. Then the storm hit, the one coming from the dark ugly clouds we'd seen before the sun set as we drove through Indiana. The lightning flashed, the thunder rolled, the rain came down in sheets and in buckets and kept on coming all night long.
Saturday morning dawned with no letdown in the storm. Hearing the thunder rumble I knew we wouldn't be playing the morning game. Upon going downstairs I learned from other parents that so far the afternoon game was still a go, and that the breakfast area of our motel was flooded. Flooded?!? Eh, I chalked it up to poor building design. N played with some of the other boys on the team to occupy the time. I tried to get on the laptop for some blog time, but alas, the hotel's wifi wasn't working. By lunchtime we knew that no games would be played on Saturday at all. Although the storm was clearing there was some flooding being reported. By mid-afternoon we knew the entire tournament was canceled. However, we also found out that the flooding was more extensive than we'd realized. There would be no trips into the town of Franklin because the road was closed. There would be no trip home that day either because that road was closed too. Apparently, I was lucky enough to arrive in central Indiana just in time to be part of the worst flood there since the early 1900's. Lucky me. Truth be told, I was very, very lucky. I didn't lose my house and belongings in the flood like several who stayed last night at the motel. I didn't have to be wheeled out of my nursing home and taken to a motel not knowing for sure what I was doing. I didn't have to see my neighbors' cars covered over in muddy water. Nope, I was pretty darned lucky. All I suffered was a bit of inconvenience of traveling to a tournament that was canceled. When all is said and done I am among the lucky, today, this weekend, and in life. Yet I dare to whine about trivial shit. Sometimes, God uses things that happen to us to hit us upside the head and give us some perspective.
I arrived home today grateful that I have an intact house, a wonderful son, a great boyfriend, a super dog, and more material things than anyone should ever want. I sit here in my house now safe and sound. I'll be praying for the folks in Indiana devastated by this weekend's floods. I ask that those of you who are the praying kind to do likewise. If you happen to have a few extra bucks sitting around you might even consider sending it to the American Red Cross. They are doing some awesome work amongst the flood victims and I'm sure they could use any assistance you might be able to offer.
There are some really good pictures of the flood at the Indianapolis Star's website if you care to see them.
Friday, June 06, 2008
The Alphabet Meme
For want of a real post I went and stole this off of Fusion's blog. It reflects my desire to write rambling thoughts but having no organizational skills today to do a real post.
So without further ado, I give you:
The Alphabet Meme
A is for your age:
47, middle aged since 47 is half of 94, and I don’t figure to make it much past 94 although I might since the female members of my family tend to live well into their 90’s.
B is for your burger of choice:
Black bean veggie burger with pepper jack cheese, guacamole, lettuce, tomato, onion and spicy brown mustard on a whole wheat bun.
C is for the car that you drive:
Black Pontiac Aztec. Funky and fun, the type of car you either love or hate. I happen to love mine.
D is for dog's name:
Jupiter. Why? I have no idea. It’s the name he had when we got him from the pound.
E is for an essential item you use each day:
Various meds, more all the time, to keep this old body running.
F is for your favorite television show:
Amazing Race, Big Brother, Survivor, The Mole (Can you tell I’m ever so slightly a reality show junkie?)
G is for favorite game:
Risk or backgammon, hard to choose between the two. Anybody willing to play backgammon against me on MSN Games without disappearing as soon as I start to win? Mostly I just play against the computer anymore since I never get to finish a game with a real person on the other end.
H is for hometown:
Oh no, too small to reveal here, let’s just say a tiny village in the rural Midwest, a few hundred hicks who hadn’t a clue they were hicks because they never ventured far enough away to see any different.
I is for instruments played:
In the order in which I learned to play them: piano, flute, oboe, organ, trombone. Mom taught me piano to keep me from pounding on the keys as a toddler. She started teaching me when I was three, and I ended my lessons when I was in second grade. If I’d kept up with it I might actually have gotten good. Flute was the first band instrument I played in grade school. Flutes and flautists, however, are a dime a dozen. I wanted something different, and my seventh grade band director wanted someone to play the school’s oboe. So I learned the oboe which other than a couple of obvious differences is very similar to playing the flute, but it makes you far more cool because it’s more unique. Mom wanted an organ in the worst way, and once the finances were such that they could do so my parents bought one. It’s a nice one – full set of foot pedals and everything. They still have it. Some think that if you can play piano you can play organ. Eh, sort of, but there’s a lot more to the organ than the piano. Mom taught me the basics that I needed to know to get by, and if it’s really an emergency, yes, I can play piano or organ at church. I learned trombone in high school because (a) my brother had a trombone he wasn’t using and (b) trombone was a “boy’s instrument.” Oh yeah, try and tell me I can’t because I’m a girl and then just watch me. Ha! I suppose if I’d stayed a child longer I’d have learned to play more instruments. I got bored once I got the basics down and just had to move on to the next thing. Jack of all trades, master of none.
J is for favorite juice:
Not a big fan of juice, but cranberry is my favorite when I do have juice. Grapefruit is my least favorite, and orange just seems so ordinary to me, but cranberry is good with a bit of a kick to it.
K is for what you'd like to kick:
W’s ass. If you need an explanation why then you ain’t been reading this blog.
L is for last restaurant you dined at:
Well, I went through the Starbucks drive-thru this morning for a muffin and iced mocha, but if we’re talking actual sit down dining it would be last night with BJ at a local Japanese restaurant, although as many Asian restaurants around here do they really served dishes from other Asian cuisines besides Japanese. I had the Tofu Pad Thai which is Thai (imagine that), not Japanese. The food was good, but not great, and not worth the prices they charged in my opinion. BJ may have a different opinion.
M is for your favorite Muppet:
Elmo. That wasn’t always true. I used to be a big Kermit the Frog fan when I was a kid. Once I had N though Elmo seemed to be the big Muppet star, and I gotta admit the little red fur ball grew on me. I probably squeezed Tickle Me Elmo more than N did. I’m just an overgrown kid in so many ways.
N is for number of piercings you have:
My ears, one hole in each. Does that count as one piercing or two? I have no desire to have any other part of my body pierced other than my ears. I’ve thought about going back and getting a second set of holes in my earlobes, but I have been thinking that for some 20 years and haven’t done it yet so it probably isn’t likely.
O is for overnight hospital stays:
Other than being born in a hospital I’ve only stayed for one night when I had my quite diseased gall bladder removed. I would’ve stayed longer, but they wouldn’t let me. Darned insurance companies. Where do they get off not letting me hang out and be waited on hand and foot and given periodic shots of Demerol? Huh! The nerve.
P is for people you were with today:
N, W for a few minutes when I dropped N off, the Starbucks drive-thru lady, my coworkers
Q is for what you do in quiet times:
Quiet times? There are quiet times? On the rare occasion that I have quiet times I generally sleep.
R is for regrets:
Marrying before developing my self esteem to a level where I didn’t feel the need to marry just anyone who was willing to have me.
S is for status:
Separated, headed for divorce, dating BJ, happy most of the time.
T is for time you woke up today:
5:45 a.m., and really that is no time to be getting up.
U is for what you consider unique:
The little blue birthmark on the left side of my face. My philosophical beliefs I think are also unique.
V is for favorite vegetable:
Asparagus, lightly steamed, with just a squeeze of lemon juice.
W is for your worst habit:
Picking my nose. Sorry, but you asked. Just trying to be honest here.
X is for x-rays you have had:
Standard dental x-rays throughout the years, right hand years ago when my boyfriend accidentally kicked it when we were goofing around, abdominal when I was a teen to find out I had a duodenal ulcer, right knee when I tripped over a curb several years ago, and then foot, ankle and leg when I got run over by the car earlier this year. Oh, and I almost forgot, I’m sure they must’ve taken some x-rays when I was a toddler and in the car accident when my mom drove off a small bridge into a creek and flipped the car. I’m pretty sure they would’ve done x-rays then, but I don’t really know. And no, I wasn’t injured in the accident other than a few bruises even though I was not in any kind of child seat or other restraint (we didn’t even really have those back then).
Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Lemon poppyseed muffin
Z is for zodiac sign:
Taurus, that stubborn bull. Go read a standard profile of a Taurus personality, and you’ll have about a 98% accurate description of me.
So without further ado, I give you:
The Alphabet Meme
A is for your age:
47, middle aged since 47 is half of 94, and I don’t figure to make it much past 94 although I might since the female members of my family tend to live well into their 90’s.
B is for your burger of choice:
Black bean veggie burger with pepper jack cheese, guacamole, lettuce, tomato, onion and spicy brown mustard on a whole wheat bun.
C is for the car that you drive:
Black Pontiac Aztec. Funky and fun, the type of car you either love or hate. I happen to love mine.
D is for dog's name:
Jupiter. Why? I have no idea. It’s the name he had when we got him from the pound.
E is for an essential item you use each day:
Various meds, more all the time, to keep this old body running.
F is for your favorite television show:
Amazing Race, Big Brother, Survivor, The Mole (Can you tell I’m ever so slightly a reality show junkie?)
G is for favorite game:
Risk or backgammon, hard to choose between the two. Anybody willing to play backgammon against me on MSN Games without disappearing as soon as I start to win? Mostly I just play against the computer anymore since I never get to finish a game with a real person on the other end.
H is for hometown:
Oh no, too small to reveal here, let’s just say a tiny village in the rural Midwest, a few hundred hicks who hadn’t a clue they were hicks because they never ventured far enough away to see any different.
I is for instruments played:
In the order in which I learned to play them: piano, flute, oboe, organ, trombone. Mom taught me piano to keep me from pounding on the keys as a toddler. She started teaching me when I was three, and I ended my lessons when I was in second grade. If I’d kept up with it I might actually have gotten good. Flute was the first band instrument I played in grade school. Flutes and flautists, however, are a dime a dozen. I wanted something different, and my seventh grade band director wanted someone to play the school’s oboe. So I learned the oboe which other than a couple of obvious differences is very similar to playing the flute, but it makes you far more cool because it’s more unique. Mom wanted an organ in the worst way, and once the finances were such that they could do so my parents bought one. It’s a nice one – full set of foot pedals and everything. They still have it. Some think that if you can play piano you can play organ. Eh, sort of, but there’s a lot more to the organ than the piano. Mom taught me the basics that I needed to know to get by, and if it’s really an emergency, yes, I can play piano or organ at church. I learned trombone in high school because (a) my brother had a trombone he wasn’t using and (b) trombone was a “boy’s instrument.” Oh yeah, try and tell me I can’t because I’m a girl and then just watch me. Ha! I suppose if I’d stayed a child longer I’d have learned to play more instruments. I got bored once I got the basics down and just had to move on to the next thing. Jack of all trades, master of none.
J is for favorite juice:
Not a big fan of juice, but cranberry is my favorite when I do have juice. Grapefruit is my least favorite, and orange just seems so ordinary to me, but cranberry is good with a bit of a kick to it.
K is for what you'd like to kick:
W’s ass. If you need an explanation why then you ain’t been reading this blog.
L is for last restaurant you dined at:
Well, I went through the Starbucks drive-thru this morning for a muffin and iced mocha, but if we’re talking actual sit down dining it would be last night with BJ at a local Japanese restaurant, although as many Asian restaurants around here do they really served dishes from other Asian cuisines besides Japanese. I had the Tofu Pad Thai which is Thai (imagine that), not Japanese. The food was good, but not great, and not worth the prices they charged in my opinion. BJ may have a different opinion.
M is for your favorite Muppet:
Elmo. That wasn’t always true. I used to be a big Kermit the Frog fan when I was a kid. Once I had N though Elmo seemed to be the big Muppet star, and I gotta admit the little red fur ball grew on me. I probably squeezed Tickle Me Elmo more than N did. I’m just an overgrown kid in so many ways.
N is for number of piercings you have:
My ears, one hole in each. Does that count as one piercing or two? I have no desire to have any other part of my body pierced other than my ears. I’ve thought about going back and getting a second set of holes in my earlobes, but I have been thinking that for some 20 years and haven’t done it yet so it probably isn’t likely.
O is for overnight hospital stays:
Other than being born in a hospital I’ve only stayed for one night when I had my quite diseased gall bladder removed. I would’ve stayed longer, but they wouldn’t let me. Darned insurance companies. Where do they get off not letting me hang out and be waited on hand and foot and given periodic shots of Demerol? Huh! The nerve.
P is for people you were with today:
N, W for a few minutes when I dropped N off, the Starbucks drive-thru lady, my coworkers
Q is for what you do in quiet times:
Quiet times? There are quiet times? On the rare occasion that I have quiet times I generally sleep.
R is for regrets:
Marrying before developing my self esteem to a level where I didn’t feel the need to marry just anyone who was willing to have me.
S is for status:
Separated, headed for divorce, dating BJ, happy most of the time.
T is for time you woke up today:
5:45 a.m., and really that is no time to be getting up.
U is for what you consider unique:
The little blue birthmark on the left side of my face. My philosophical beliefs I think are also unique.
V is for favorite vegetable:
Asparagus, lightly steamed, with just a squeeze of lemon juice.
W is for your worst habit:
Picking my nose. Sorry, but you asked. Just trying to be honest here.
X is for x-rays you have had:
Standard dental x-rays throughout the years, right hand years ago when my boyfriend accidentally kicked it when we were goofing around, abdominal when I was a teen to find out I had a duodenal ulcer, right knee when I tripped over a curb several years ago, and then foot, ankle and leg when I got run over by the car earlier this year. Oh, and I almost forgot, I’m sure they must’ve taken some x-rays when I was a toddler and in the car accident when my mom drove off a small bridge into a creek and flipped the car. I’m pretty sure they would’ve done x-rays then, but I don’t really know. And no, I wasn’t injured in the accident other than a few bruises even though I was not in any kind of child seat or other restraint (we didn’t even really have those back then).
Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Lemon poppyseed muffin
Z is for zodiac sign:
Taurus, that stubborn bull. Go read a standard profile of a Taurus personality, and you’ll have about a 98% accurate description of me.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
A Little Wimpy, but More Like Popeye
Yesterday when I woke up my right lower eyelid was not only really crusty but also very sore to the touch. “That’s annoying,” I thought to myself as I went about my morning routine. Throughout the day that eyelid bothered me. It itched like crazy, but to even touch it lightly was to cause pain so I refrained, most of the time, from rubbing it. By yesterday evening when I looked at it in the mirror there was a definite red patch on the inside corner of the eyelid.
This morning when I woke up the eyelid felt even worse. “Yikes,” I thought to myself as I went about my morning routine. I asked N if it looked bad, and he said “Oh my gosh, Mom, that’s awful!” with eyes as big as saucers. Looking in the mirror for myself I could see that it wasn’t quite the tragedy one might have thought from N’s reaction, but the entire lower eyelid was swollen and puffy and the red place was just a bit smaller than a dime. I very tentatively reached up to touch it, felt the pain associated with it and decided to keep my hands off of it completely. In an apparent bid for equal attention, my left lower eyelid today has decided to develop a tic. So not only can people see the grotesqueness of the right lower eyelid, they can then turn their gaze to the quivering, jerking left lower eyelid for balance. Oh yeah. I’m quite the looker today.
In spite of feeling like a wimp because I was letting a little tiny spot on my eyelid make me grouchy and lethargic and not at all myself, I called the doctor’s office. My doctor had no appointments available today but another doctor in the practice did. Good enough! I needed immediate attention before this painful eyelid caused more than curmudgeonly behavior, a watery eye, and strange looks from those who saw me.
The doctor was wonderful. She looked at it closely, pushed on it (I know she had to do that, but OUCH), and declared that I apparently have a small cyst in there that has gotten infected. She prescribed antibiotics, warm moist compresses and warned me what symptoms should send me to an acute appointment with the eye doctor to whom she referred me for a routine appointment in about a month.
So apparently I won’t die from this or even lose the use of my right eye. That’s the good news. The bad news is I look a little like Popeye walking around with my right eye nearly closed. Maybe he had an infected cyst too. He should have seen his doctor.
This morning when I woke up the eyelid felt even worse. “Yikes,” I thought to myself as I went about my morning routine. I asked N if it looked bad, and he said “Oh my gosh, Mom, that’s awful!” with eyes as big as saucers. Looking in the mirror for myself I could see that it wasn’t quite the tragedy one might have thought from N’s reaction, but the entire lower eyelid was swollen and puffy and the red place was just a bit smaller than a dime. I very tentatively reached up to touch it, felt the pain associated with it and decided to keep my hands off of it completely. In an apparent bid for equal attention, my left lower eyelid today has decided to develop a tic. So not only can people see the grotesqueness of the right lower eyelid, they can then turn their gaze to the quivering, jerking left lower eyelid for balance. Oh yeah. I’m quite the looker today.
In spite of feeling like a wimp because I was letting a little tiny spot on my eyelid make me grouchy and lethargic and not at all myself, I called the doctor’s office. My doctor had no appointments available today but another doctor in the practice did. Good enough! I needed immediate attention before this painful eyelid caused more than curmudgeonly behavior, a watery eye, and strange looks from those who saw me.
The doctor was wonderful. She looked at it closely, pushed on it (I know she had to do that, but OUCH), and declared that I apparently have a small cyst in there that has gotten infected. She prescribed antibiotics, warm moist compresses and warned me what symptoms should send me to an acute appointment with the eye doctor to whom she referred me for a routine appointment in about a month.
So apparently I won’t die from this or even lose the use of my right eye. That’s the good news. The bad news is I look a little like Popeye walking around with my right eye nearly closed. Maybe he had an infected cyst too. He should have seen his doctor.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Memories from Home
When I was a little girl we lived in a house that was my mortal enemy. The basement was always wet, wet as in several inches of standing water, when it rained. Due to the water in the basement, mold and mildew grew and could be seen in the bottom corners of the walls in almost every room of the house. I remember well my mom spending hour upon hour scrubbing those walls trying to remove all traces of the mold and mildew. All the while, I was a sickly kid. The doctor diagnosed me with asthma. I wheezed virtually all the time. I caught cold after cold. At the time I don’t think my parents ever connected the mold and mildew that permeated the house to be the trigger of my asthma. Of course, I also don’t think they thought that Dad’s pipe and cigar smoking were contributing either. When I look back, I marvel that I survived at all, and who knows, maybe if we hadn't moved to another drier house when I was seven maybe I wouldn't have.
Why do I bring this up here today? No reason. None at all other than it was something rolling around in my head, and I needed a place to put in on a shelf so I could make room for other thoughts.
Then again, perhaps I thought about this after having lived through a spectacular lightning show last night during the worst storm we’ve had in the year plus that we’ve lived here. It reminded me of storms when I was a little girl, living in that moldy house. It particularly reminded me of one particular storm where the lightning flashed across the sky over and over and the thunder rumbled and boomed and rattled the windows in the house. During that particular storm a tree fell. It was a very large tree (at least in my preschooler’s mind it was, but I do think it really was a pretty good sized tree). I don’t remember if it was struck by lightning or was just brought down by the power of the wind, but either way it was quite the spectacle afterwards. It was large enough that when it fell across the road in front of our house it spanned both lanes, making the road impassable until a crew came out and used chainsaws to cut into pieces for removal. Fortunately, we could still get out of our driveway if we’d needed to do so and could’ve headed left into town. We couldn’t have gone right towards my grandparent’s farm though. That was blocked. If I remember correctly the road stayed blocked all night, and when I awoke the next morning it was to the sound of chainsaws as they were clearing the road. I don’t remember if we lost power during this particular storm, but we often did so I wouldn’t be surprised if we had.
Childhood held many fears for me. I feared dying when I struggled to breathe during an asthma attack. I feared dying when we sat in the living room watching storms out of the big picture window. I feared bogey men and monsters when I was alone in the dark. I’ve come a long way since then, and I seldom fear dying anymore although bogey men still scare me a bit (hence my refusal to watch scary movies). Last night, during the storm, I could see in N the kind of fear that storms used to elicit from me. I hope that I comforted him better than my parents comforted me. I tried. I didn’t tell him he was being silly to be afraid. I told him I understood his fear, that I used to be afraid too. I told him I was there for him and always would be. I told him that as long as we did what we needed to do and what the authorities advised us to do then we would remain safe. When the tornado siren went off we huddled together in the closet in the center of the lowest level of the house with our battery powered radio and cordless phone. We ventured back out, none the worse for wear, when the tornado warning was over and then, because the weather still seemed a bit iffy, we both slept downstairs in the family room instead of upstairs in our beds. I hope that N looks back in the future and remembers feeling cared for and protected as a child. I wish I could look back on my childhood in that same way.
Why do I bring this up here today? No reason. None at all other than it was something rolling around in my head, and I needed a place to put in on a shelf so I could make room for other thoughts.
Then again, perhaps I thought about this after having lived through a spectacular lightning show last night during the worst storm we’ve had in the year plus that we’ve lived here. It reminded me of storms when I was a little girl, living in that moldy house. It particularly reminded me of one particular storm where the lightning flashed across the sky over and over and the thunder rumbled and boomed and rattled the windows in the house. During that particular storm a tree fell. It was a very large tree (at least in my preschooler’s mind it was, but I do think it really was a pretty good sized tree). I don’t remember if it was struck by lightning or was just brought down by the power of the wind, but either way it was quite the spectacle afterwards. It was large enough that when it fell across the road in front of our house it spanned both lanes, making the road impassable until a crew came out and used chainsaws to cut into pieces for removal. Fortunately, we could still get out of our driveway if we’d needed to do so and could’ve headed left into town. We couldn’t have gone right towards my grandparent’s farm though. That was blocked. If I remember correctly the road stayed blocked all night, and when I awoke the next morning it was to the sound of chainsaws as they were clearing the road. I don’t remember if we lost power during this particular storm, but we often did so I wouldn’t be surprised if we had.
Childhood held many fears for me. I feared dying when I struggled to breathe during an asthma attack. I feared dying when we sat in the living room watching storms out of the big picture window. I feared bogey men and monsters when I was alone in the dark. I’ve come a long way since then, and I seldom fear dying anymore although bogey men still scare me a bit (hence my refusal to watch scary movies). Last night, during the storm, I could see in N the kind of fear that storms used to elicit from me. I hope that I comforted him better than my parents comforted me. I tried. I didn’t tell him he was being silly to be afraid. I told him I understood his fear, that I used to be afraid too. I told him I was there for him and always would be. I told him that as long as we did what we needed to do and what the authorities advised us to do then we would remain safe. When the tornado siren went off we huddled together in the closet in the center of the lowest level of the house with our battery powered radio and cordless phone. We ventured back out, none the worse for wear, when the tornado warning was over and then, because the weather still seemed a bit iffy, we both slept downstairs in the family room instead of upstairs in our beds. I hope that N looks back in the future and remembers feeling cared for and protected as a child. I wish I could look back on my childhood in that same way.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Why?
Why on earth do I make everything harder on myself?
Why do I procrastinate?
Why do I worry over things instead of just doing them?
Why oh why do I always do things the hard way?
Why do I procrastinate?
Why do I worry over things instead of just doing them?
Why oh why do I always do things the hard way?
Monday, June 02, 2008
A New Month
Okay, where did May go? Time is flying by me. So much going on and so little time to blog about it. Let's throw together a little update here, small tidbits about many things, just enough to leave you wondering what's really happening.
BJ - Love having him living close by. We spent a lot of time together this weekend. Fun times.
N - Seems to be happy with Mom & Dad living apart. He mentioned recently that it's nice that there's not so much stress at home anymore.
W - Can be quite cooperative and kind. Then again, can be totally rude and uncooperative.
Church - Apparently every conjecture I had about what might be the situation was wrong. I still think some things were quite mishandled by the church council. However, I also think that the pastor was in the wrong in some ways. Once again, all involved proved that churches are filled with fallible humans. Go figure.
Work - Lots of it thanks to being short staffed.
Home - Starting to get a handle on things and getting better at dealing with having to handle all the chores and errands myself.
Bi Group - Still loads of fun when we get together, and I do make time for that at least on occasion.
Blogging - Not enough time in the day right now. So much to say, so little time to say it.
BJ - Love having him living close by. We spent a lot of time together this weekend. Fun times.
N - Seems to be happy with Mom & Dad living apart. He mentioned recently that it's nice that there's not so much stress at home anymore.
W - Can be quite cooperative and kind. Then again, can be totally rude and uncooperative.
Church - Apparently every conjecture I had about what might be the situation was wrong. I still think some things were quite mishandled by the church council. However, I also think that the pastor was in the wrong in some ways. Once again, all involved proved that churches are filled with fallible humans. Go figure.
Work - Lots of it thanks to being short staffed.
Home - Starting to get a handle on things and getting better at dealing with having to handle all the chores and errands myself.
Bi Group - Still loads of fun when we get together, and I do make time for that at least on occasion.
Blogging - Not enough time in the day right now. So much to say, so little time to say it.
Friday, May 30, 2008
How Many Frustrating Things Can Happen to Trueself in One Morning?
Hmm, well let’s count them up, shall we?
Number 1 – Although N spent much of yesterday begging to go back to school (couldn’t because he hadn’t been fever free for 24 hours) he moaned and groaned and groused when I woke him this morning to go back to school. I will say though that once he remembered that today is “Fun Day” at school he changed his mind and stopped grumbling.
Number 2 – Running late for work and having had no breakfast I decided to pull into the clown’s fast food drive-thru to get ahigh fat, high sodium highly nutritious breakfast. They have one of those drive-thrus with two lanes. I picked the lane where apparently the person taking orders fell dead of a heart attack or had to take a pee or walked off the job or forgot they were working. The person in front of me was giving her order and the person on the other end just disappeared. After waiting a couple of minutes and calling out “Hello?” several times she drove out of the drive-thru line and pulled into a parking place. I was late enough at this point that I didn’t even attempt it, but just drove on thru and headed to the workplace. At 10:00 a.m. I still have had no breakfast but will probably give in and go get something sugary and calorie laden highly nutritious from the vending machine in the break room.
Number 3 – The project upon which I worked all day yesterday and am trying to finish this morning is a resource hog and bogging down my PC like crazy. I am writing this entry piecemeal during the waiting periods that I have every time I recalculate or save anything. It is frustrating because I can’t do any of my other work-related things during the waiting periods because while not huge resource drains they are enough to cause problems. So here I sit typing this entry in Word since it isn’t sucking up resources as badly. Oh good, it’s saved. Now I can go back to work for a while and continue this during the next interminable wait.
Number 4 – Fifteen minutes before a meeting my supervisor asks me to bring two extra copies of several reports, about 75 pages in all. I hurry to get these copies made in time for the meeting only to have him come and tell me that we have to postpone the meeting until later in the day.
Okay, that’s only four, not as bad as it felt. I’m okay. Breathe in, breathe out. I’m okay. Calm. Cool. Collected. Yes, everything is fine. I’m dandy.
Oh, remind me to give an update on the church situation. I attended a meeting last night. I’ll write adiatribe little post about it sometime this weekend.
Number 1 – Although N spent much of yesterday begging to go back to school (couldn’t because he hadn’t been fever free for 24 hours) he moaned and groaned and groused when I woke him this morning to go back to school. I will say though that once he remembered that today is “Fun Day” at school he changed his mind and stopped grumbling.
Number 2 – Running late for work and having had no breakfast I decided to pull into the clown’s fast food drive-thru to get a
Number 3 – The project upon which I worked all day yesterday and am trying to finish this morning is a resource hog and bogging down my PC like crazy. I am writing this entry piecemeal during the waiting periods that I have every time I recalculate or save anything. It is frustrating because I can’t do any of my other work-related things during the waiting periods because while not huge resource drains they are enough to cause problems. So here I sit typing this entry in Word since it isn’t sucking up resources as badly. Oh good, it’s saved. Now I can go back to work for a while and continue this during the next interminable wait.
Number 4 – Fifteen minutes before a meeting my supervisor asks me to bring two extra copies of several reports, about 75 pages in all. I hurry to get these copies made in time for the meeting only to have him come and tell me that we have to postpone the meeting until later in the day.
Okay, that’s only four, not as bad as it felt. I’m okay. Breathe in, breathe out. I’m okay. Calm. Cool. Collected. Yes, everything is fine. I’m dandy.
Oh, remind me to give an update on the church situation. I attended a meeting last night. I’ll write a
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Lackadaisical
lackadaisical \lack-uh-DAY-zih-kuhl\, adjective:
Lacking spirit or liveliness; showing lack of interest; languid; listless.
Yep, that pretty well describes me today.
That is all.
Lacking spirit or liveliness; showing lack of interest; languid; listless.
Yep, that pretty well describes me today.
That is all.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Out of the Running
I am fairly certain I will be winning no "Mother of the Year" awards following recent events. Sometimes my mommy instincts fail me big time. Yesterday was one of those times.
To start at the beginning, on Saturday evening N started having the sniffles. Then on Sunday morning he woke up feeling miserable. I checked his temperature, and he had no fever, but he was very sluggish and didn't feel well. We stayed home all day, in our jammies, watching cartoons and movies on TV and just generally being lazy. My stomach started bothering me that afternoon so we were quite the pair.
Yesterday, N awoke feeling better he said. He still laid around most of the morning, but he came into the kitchen when I was making banana bread and wanted to help. He took over much of the mixing duties, and I could see that he was perkier than the day before. N grew restless as the afternoon wore on and begged me to take him to the new Indiana Jones movie. I hesitated because I thought perhaps it was too soon after him being sick, but he really wanted to go. I relented and took him to the movie. He and I both enjoyed it (I don't care what the critics say, I thought it was great) and afterwards he asked to stop at a nearby restaurant for dinner.
During dinner things took a turn for the worse. N went from cheerful and playful to drooping and sullen. By the time I could get him home I had to help him into the house because he said he felt dizzy and off balance. He sat in my lap, snuggled under a blanket, and used about a gajillion tissues blowing his nose. I felt his forehead and realized it felt hot. I soon took him upstairs, put him in my bed, and took his temperature to find it was a bit over 101.
What on earth was I thinking, dragging my son to a movie and dinner yesterday when he was in the throes of a nasty virus?
Sigh. . .
Fortunately, he seems a bit better this morning after sleeping fitfully throughout the night. I let him sleep with me in my bed so that I'd be close by if he needed me instead of at the opposite end of the house as I would have been if he'd slept in his room. His temperature is now down to just below 100 so hopefully he's on the mend. I'm staying home with him today since W is out of town. I will call the doctor's office when it opens and see if they think I should bring him in. I'm hoping he'll take a nap this afternoon so that I can too.
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Late edit:
You learn the darnedest things when you stay home from work. Since I'm home today with N I got to meet the cleaning people who come every other Tuesday to tidy up the place. What I found out from the cleaning people is that most of the people that work there refuse to clean here because of W. They were thrilled to find out he will not be here anymore when they come to clean. Apparently, he has been known to pat some of the cleaning ladies on the butt as they are bent over cleaning. Oh. My. God. I am appalled, absolutely appalled. Of course, that's just their side of the story, but what good would it have done for them to lie about it to me? Besides, it isn't the first time I've heard of people not wanting to work for W due to his behavior with them. He apparently has never had the tact gene or perhaps it was damaged long ago. Whatever the case, he is not Mr. Tactful and often offends people without understanding what he did to offend them. Leaving was the best thing he ever did for me.
To start at the beginning, on Saturday evening N started having the sniffles. Then on Sunday morning he woke up feeling miserable. I checked his temperature, and he had no fever, but he was very sluggish and didn't feel well. We stayed home all day, in our jammies, watching cartoons and movies on TV and just generally being lazy. My stomach started bothering me that afternoon so we were quite the pair.
Yesterday, N awoke feeling better he said. He still laid around most of the morning, but he came into the kitchen when I was making banana bread and wanted to help. He took over much of the mixing duties, and I could see that he was perkier than the day before. N grew restless as the afternoon wore on and begged me to take him to the new Indiana Jones movie. I hesitated because I thought perhaps it was too soon after him being sick, but he really wanted to go. I relented and took him to the movie. He and I both enjoyed it (I don't care what the critics say, I thought it was great) and afterwards he asked to stop at a nearby restaurant for dinner.
During dinner things took a turn for the worse. N went from cheerful and playful to drooping and sullen. By the time I could get him home I had to help him into the house because he said he felt dizzy and off balance. He sat in my lap, snuggled under a blanket, and used about a gajillion tissues blowing his nose. I felt his forehead and realized it felt hot. I soon took him upstairs, put him in my bed, and took his temperature to find it was a bit over 101.
What on earth was I thinking, dragging my son to a movie and dinner yesterday when he was in the throes of a nasty virus?
Sigh. . .
Fortunately, he seems a bit better this morning after sleeping fitfully throughout the night. I let him sleep with me in my bed so that I'd be close by if he needed me instead of at the opposite end of the house as I would have been if he'd slept in his room. His temperature is now down to just below 100 so hopefully he's on the mend. I'm staying home with him today since W is out of town. I will call the doctor's office when it opens and see if they think I should bring him in. I'm hoping he'll take a nap this afternoon so that I can too.
---------------------------------------------
Late edit:
You learn the darnedest things when you stay home from work. Since I'm home today with N I got to meet the cleaning people who come every other Tuesday to tidy up the place. What I found out from the cleaning people is that most of the people that work there refuse to clean here because of W. They were thrilled to find out he will not be here anymore when they come to clean. Apparently, he has been known to pat some of the cleaning ladies on the butt as they are bent over cleaning. Oh. My. God. I am appalled, absolutely appalled. Of course, that's just their side of the story, but what good would it have done for them to lie about it to me? Besides, it isn't the first time I've heard of people not wanting to work for W due to his behavior with them. He apparently has never had the tact gene or perhaps it was damaged long ago. Whatever the case, he is not Mr. Tactful and often offends people without understanding what he did to offend them. Leaving was the best thing he ever did for me.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Memorial Day - More Than BBQs and a Day Off
Memorial Day is observed on the last Monday of May in the U.S and commemorates U.S. men and women who perished while in military service to their country. First enacted to honor Union soldiers of the American Civil War, it was expanded after World War I to include casualties of any war or military action.
While I have many in my family who have served in the military, I am fortunate not to have had any lost in military service. However, I grew up in a family who honored those lost in military service every single Memorial Day. I have attended many services on many Memorial Days and have participated in many as a member of Girl Scouts and school bands when I was growing up.
It seems to me that there are fewer people out there spending Memorial Day as anything other than one more day off, a day to play, a day to get a few more things done, part of a long weekend that affords the opportunity to travel. That saddens me.
No matter your opinion of wars that have been fought and the political decisions behind those wars, it seems the least we can do to one day out of the year take time to honor those who gave their lives fighting for their, and our, country. I salute those that have given their lives in service for the U.S. I offer hugs and sympathy to the families of the fallen. I think it isn't too much to ask that we all take a few minutes out of our day filled with fun and frolic to appreciate those that have made the greatest sacrifice that one can make so that we can have these days of fun and frolic.
Yes, even this bleeding heart liberal is a big fan of Memorial Day.
While I have many in my family who have served in the military, I am fortunate not to have had any lost in military service. However, I grew up in a family who honored those lost in military service every single Memorial Day. I have attended many services on many Memorial Days and have participated in many as a member of Girl Scouts and school bands when I was growing up.
It seems to me that there are fewer people out there spending Memorial Day as anything other than one more day off, a day to play, a day to get a few more things done, part of a long weekend that affords the opportunity to travel. That saddens me.
No matter your opinion of wars that have been fought and the political decisions behind those wars, it seems the least we can do to one day out of the year take time to honor those who gave their lives fighting for their, and our, country. I salute those that have given their lives in service for the U.S. I offer hugs and sympathy to the families of the fallen. I think it isn't too much to ask that we all take a few minutes out of our day filled with fun and frolic to appreciate those that have made the greatest sacrifice that one can make so that we can have these days of fun and frolic.
Yes, even this bleeding heart liberal is a big fan of Memorial Day.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Perhaps
I don’t know much more about the church situation than I did when I last posted about it. However, I’ve gathered a few more pieces together, enough that I’m working at putting the pieces of the puzzle together even though there are still big gaps.
Perhaps the office manager was having a difficult time of some sort in her personal life. Perhaps this difficult time was causing her to have some difficulties at work, perhaps not always being there when she should or forgetting to get essential things in her job completed. Perhaps she was confiding in the pastor about these personal problems and perhaps he was counseling her and trying to help her as best he could. Perhaps the church council was aware of the job performance problems of the office manager, but not being privy to their cause they pressured the pastor to let her go. Perhaps he balked at this and assured the council that he was working with the office manager on resolving the issues. Perhaps the church council demanded to know what the issues were that were contributing to the office manager’s poor performance, and perhaps the pastor respectfully refused to divulge information shared with him in confidence. Perhaps the church council insisted that the pastor fire the office manager, and perhaps he refused. Perhaps the power struggle continued on for months until finally the office manager resigned. Perhaps at this point the church council was so enmeshed in the power struggle that they asked the pastor for his resignation with the caveat that if he did not resign the church council would fire him. Perhaps his wife, standing by her husband, chose to also resign.
And perhaps I am way off base.
However, when one takes an action and fails to explain it until a month later it gives people a lot of time to weave scenarios in their head, some of which may be very close to the truth and some very far from the truth. Give me a few threads, and I’ll weave quite the tapestry.
Also, just so you know, I share my theories here alone. I will not power the rumor mill in real life. Nope. No good comes from speculating with others in real life and spreading gossip.
Perhaps the office manager was having a difficult time of some sort in her personal life. Perhaps this difficult time was causing her to have some difficulties at work, perhaps not always being there when she should or forgetting to get essential things in her job completed. Perhaps she was confiding in the pastor about these personal problems and perhaps he was counseling her and trying to help her as best he could. Perhaps the church council was aware of the job performance problems of the office manager, but not being privy to their cause they pressured the pastor to let her go. Perhaps he balked at this and assured the council that he was working with the office manager on resolving the issues. Perhaps the church council demanded to know what the issues were that were contributing to the office manager’s poor performance, and perhaps the pastor respectfully refused to divulge information shared with him in confidence. Perhaps the church council insisted that the pastor fire the office manager, and perhaps he refused. Perhaps the power struggle continued on for months until finally the office manager resigned. Perhaps at this point the church council was so enmeshed in the power struggle that they asked the pastor for his resignation with the caveat that if he did not resign the church council would fire him. Perhaps his wife, standing by her husband, chose to also resign.
And perhaps I am way off base.
However, when one takes an action and fails to explain it until a month later it gives people a lot of time to weave scenarios in their head, some of which may be very close to the truth and some very far from the truth. Give me a few threads, and I’ll weave quite the tapestry.
Also, just so you know, I share my theories here alone. I will not power the rumor mill in real life. Nope. No good comes from speculating with others in real life and spreading gossip.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Do Not Say This to Me. . . Ever
"I'm sorry you're angry with me."
I know this means that you are sorry I'm yelling at you, but you aren't sorry for what you did that made me angry. This makes me want to place my hands one on each side of your neck, and bring them together as tightly as possible.
Just sayin'. . .
I know this means that you are sorry I'm yelling at you, but you aren't sorry for what you did that made me angry. This makes me want to place my hands one on each side of your neck, and bring them together as tightly as possible.
Just sayin'. . .
Monday, May 19, 2008
No Se Nada
Today I’m delving into the topic that is weighing heavily on my mind lately, particularly since attending church yesterday. If my little forays into religion aren’t your cup of tea you might do well to come back another day although this is less about religion than it is about human relations that just happens to be taking place within a religious setting.
First, I want to lay out the facts that I know, some of which may or may not be related to the situation. I just want them all here to serve as the foundation for me as I roll this around in my brain. Then I intend to see what those facts tell me and see what conclusions, if any, are possible at this point in time. Finally, I want to put down the questions I have over the situation and some musings about where to go from here for myself. This is, my friends, mostly an exercise just for myself, but if anyone thinks they have something productive to offer me or a point of view that I’ve missed, please feel free to weigh in with it. I realize I may very well be looking at the situation through a narrow straw and might benefit from a wider perspective.
The Facts
Fact #1: Two weeks ago I received a letter from the church council informing me of the departure of the pastor from the congregation. The letter referred to “performance appraisal issues” and mediation that had been ongoing for some months between the church council and the pastor and indicated that an inability to reach agreement was the reason for the pastor’s departure.
Fact #2: About a month ago the office manager for the church resigned with the announcement that she was returning to work at her home church.
Fact #3: Yesterday the situation with the pastor was mentioned two times during the church service: (1) during the joys and concerns when one member of the congregation asked that the pastor and his family be held up in prayer and another asked that the congregation be held up in prayer with the request that those who were blindsided by the “resignation” of the pastor would be willing to listen and have patience, and (2) during the announcements when it was announced that meetings will be held in a couple of weeks to better inform the congregation of what has occurred and how the church will proceed forward.
Fact #4: The pastor’s wife who has also held a staff position within the church is no longer listed as a staff member in the bulletin nor was she present yesterday at the service.
Fact #5: No mention was made of the pastor’s wife in the original letter I received.
Fact #6: It was announced yesterday that a certain person will be taking on a subset of the pastor’s wife’s staff duties for at least the summer months.
Fact #7: As of yesterday, the church’s website has not been updated to reflect any staffing changes.
Fact #8: I felt more uncomfortable in that church yesterday morning than I ever have in the year I’ve been attending there. There were several times when I felt an incredible urge to jump up and bolt out of the building, not because of anything specific that happened but just the overall general discomfort I felt.
Conclusions
No matter how much I go over the facts above there just is not enough there for me to draw much in the way of conclusions. Certainly I could put some pieces above together and develop some speculations, but to what end? What purpose could it possibly serve for me to speculate other than to stir me up and bring me into a state of further agitation? Why should I do that? I will admit that there are speculations that have taken up far too much space in my brain as I’ve pondered the facts above, and yet without further factual information it is impossible to know which, if any, of my speculations are close to the truth of the matter. I refuse to draw conclusions based on my own ill-informed speculations. I guess the only real conclusion I have from all of this is that given what I know about myself I will not be able to determine my reaction to the situation until I know more about the situation. Oh, and one other conclusion I’ve drawn is that to announce a situation like this and then to wait a month to provide explanation of it is not good, at least for me it is not good for the longer I am left in limbo the more difficult it becomes for me to accept being there.
Questions
In no particular order, just as they pop into my head, my questions are:
Question #1: What was the basis for the pastor and church council’s disagreement?
Question #2: Why was the congregation not made aware that there was a disagreement and mediation effort under way?
Question #3: Is the resignation of the church’s office manager related to this situation, and if so, how?
Question #4: Why was the decision made to allow a month’s time to transpire between the announcement and the explanation?
Question #5: What should a congregant learn from how this was handled by the church council?
Question #6: (This one is a question that I alone can answer and can’t be answered until I have the other questions answered.) Can I stay in this church with a clear conscience?
Question #7: How does the absence of the pastor's wife tie into this? Did she resign, get fired, something else?
Musings
This will be an interesting time in the life of this church. Once I listen and hear what the church council has to say on the matter, it should become easier (I hope) for me to discern the proper course of action for myself. It would be an extraordinary shame if after only becoming an official member a few months ago that I would have to move on. However, I can only make that decision once I know as much as I can about the situation. A lack of forthcoming on the part of those directly involved will weigh heavily against my being able to stay, and my fear is that is exactly what will happen. “Trust us. We did the right thing.” That is the message I fear that I will hear. I have always been, and will always be, one who will fight for as much openness and honesty as possible. It is part of my personality that I bristle at the very notion of doing things that are not to be revealed (hence my huge internal conflict over many of my sneaky behaviors in the last couple of years).
My hope here is that, as usual, the act of putting this all down in writing will allow myself to let go of at least some of it so that I can go about my daily life without stewing over various aspects of the situation. Here it is, right here, all the thoughts that I have about it, all in one place. May God grant me the peace that will allow me to leave these thoughts here for the time being, to be picked up again when the congregational meetings are held on the issue in almost two weeks.
First, I want to lay out the facts that I know, some of which may or may not be related to the situation. I just want them all here to serve as the foundation for me as I roll this around in my brain. Then I intend to see what those facts tell me and see what conclusions, if any, are possible at this point in time. Finally, I want to put down the questions I have over the situation and some musings about where to go from here for myself. This is, my friends, mostly an exercise just for myself, but if anyone thinks they have something productive to offer me or a point of view that I’ve missed, please feel free to weigh in with it. I realize I may very well be looking at the situation through a narrow straw and might benefit from a wider perspective.
The Facts
Fact #1: Two weeks ago I received a letter from the church council informing me of the departure of the pastor from the congregation. The letter referred to “performance appraisal issues” and mediation that had been ongoing for some months between the church council and the pastor and indicated that an inability to reach agreement was the reason for the pastor’s departure.
Fact #2: About a month ago the office manager for the church resigned with the announcement that she was returning to work at her home church.
Fact #3: Yesterday the situation with the pastor was mentioned two times during the church service: (1) during the joys and concerns when one member of the congregation asked that the pastor and his family be held up in prayer and another asked that the congregation be held up in prayer with the request that those who were blindsided by the “resignation” of the pastor would be willing to listen and have patience, and (2) during the announcements when it was announced that meetings will be held in a couple of weeks to better inform the congregation of what has occurred and how the church will proceed forward.
Fact #4: The pastor’s wife who has also held a staff position within the church is no longer listed as a staff member in the bulletin nor was she present yesterday at the service.
Fact #5: No mention was made of the pastor’s wife in the original letter I received.
Fact #6: It was announced yesterday that a certain person will be taking on a subset of the pastor’s wife’s staff duties for at least the summer months.
Fact #7: As of yesterday, the church’s website has not been updated to reflect any staffing changes.
Fact #8: I felt more uncomfortable in that church yesterday morning than I ever have in the year I’ve been attending there. There were several times when I felt an incredible urge to jump up and bolt out of the building, not because of anything specific that happened but just the overall general discomfort I felt.
Conclusions
No matter how much I go over the facts above there just is not enough there for me to draw much in the way of conclusions. Certainly I could put some pieces above together and develop some speculations, but to what end? What purpose could it possibly serve for me to speculate other than to stir me up and bring me into a state of further agitation? Why should I do that? I will admit that there are speculations that have taken up far too much space in my brain as I’ve pondered the facts above, and yet without further factual information it is impossible to know which, if any, of my speculations are close to the truth of the matter. I refuse to draw conclusions based on my own ill-informed speculations. I guess the only real conclusion I have from all of this is that given what I know about myself I will not be able to determine my reaction to the situation until I know more about the situation. Oh, and one other conclusion I’ve drawn is that to announce a situation like this and then to wait a month to provide explanation of it is not good, at least for me it is not good for the longer I am left in limbo the more difficult it becomes for me to accept being there.
Questions
In no particular order, just as they pop into my head, my questions are:
Question #1: What was the basis for the pastor and church council’s disagreement?
Question #2: Why was the congregation not made aware that there was a disagreement and mediation effort under way?
Question #3: Is the resignation of the church’s office manager related to this situation, and if so, how?
Question #4: Why was the decision made to allow a month’s time to transpire between the announcement and the explanation?
Question #5: What should a congregant learn from how this was handled by the church council?
Question #6: (This one is a question that I alone can answer and can’t be answered until I have the other questions answered.) Can I stay in this church with a clear conscience?
Question #7: How does the absence of the pastor's wife tie into this? Did she resign, get fired, something else?
Musings
This will be an interesting time in the life of this church. Once I listen and hear what the church council has to say on the matter, it should become easier (I hope) for me to discern the proper course of action for myself. It would be an extraordinary shame if after only becoming an official member a few months ago that I would have to move on. However, I can only make that decision once I know as much as I can about the situation. A lack of forthcoming on the part of those directly involved will weigh heavily against my being able to stay, and my fear is that is exactly what will happen. “Trust us. We did the right thing.” That is the message I fear that I will hear. I have always been, and will always be, one who will fight for as much openness and honesty as possible. It is part of my personality that I bristle at the very notion of doing things that are not to be revealed (hence my huge internal conflict over many of my sneaky behaviors in the last couple of years).
My hope here is that, as usual, the act of putting this all down in writing will allow myself to let go of at least some of it so that I can go about my daily life without stewing over various aspects of the situation. Here it is, right here, all the thoughts that I have about it, all in one place. May God grant me the peace that will allow me to leave these thoughts here for the time being, to be picked up again when the congregational meetings are held on the issue in almost two weeks.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Scattered
I have a huge mishmash of thoughts in my brain. I want desperately to write them down but can't seem to get them out in coherent form. Even stream of consciousness writing isn't working for me. Maybe it's 'cause I have too many different things running through my head, such as:
BJ moving to this area,
Turmoil over the whole church/pastor/mystery of leaving thing,
W being totally frustrating,
My struggles with being responsible for the household.
Oh yes, you've heard it all before. I've yammered on and on and on about it all. Yet these things haunt my brain, stalking me as I go about my daily routine.
Yuck.
Blech.
Sigh. . .
BJ moving to this area,
Turmoil over the whole church/pastor/mystery of leaving thing,
W being totally frustrating,
My struggles with being responsible for the household.
Oh yes, you've heard it all before. I've yammered on and on and on about it all. Yet these things haunt my brain, stalking me as I go about my daily routine.
Yuck.
Blech.
Sigh. . .
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Where There's a Will There's a Way
Got to see BJ last night after all. It was just for a couple of hours instead of overnight, but we got to have dinner together, a bit of a picnic.
Life goes on. . .
Life goes on. . .
Friday, May 16, 2008
Post in Haiku
Be careful what you wish
This is wisdom without doubt
I wished time alone
No BJ tonight
As we had planned before but
Time with kids comes first
So my wish came true
Just not the way I wanted
Sigh, life goes on, sigh
This is wisdom without doubt
I wished time alone
No BJ tonight
As we had planned before but
Time with kids comes first
So my wish came true
Just not the way I wanted
Sigh, life goes on, sigh
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Seeing Daylight
These struggles with depression scare me sometimes, but generally only when I’m heading downward into them. The good news is that while I can sink pretty fast, I am much more buoyant than I used to be (God bless the major pharmaceutical companies even though I’d like to punch the lights out on every one of their sleazy reps stalking medical offices) and I pop back up to the surface much more quickly and without as much difficulty as in the past.
So with that opening, let me say that while all does not look peachy keen just yet I am seeing that the light at the end of the tunnel is drawing nearer and is indeed daylight and blue skies.
Thank you to the readers who responded to my cry for help yesterday. Thank you to my counselor who also responded to my cry for help last night during our counseling session. Thank you to BJ who listened patiently as I droned on and on about all that is awful and negative. Thank you to N for proving that the counselor’s advice was right on target by reacting exactly as she predicted when I tried certain parenting techniques.
Yesterday after work I managed before W brought N home for the night at 8:00 p.m. to have a well balanced healthy dinner, get gas at what appeared to be the last “cheap” station in town so that I paid “only” $3.71 instead of $3.89 a gallon, and stop at the grocery store for some much needed staples (milk, juice, frozen pizza). I got home maybe 15 minutes before N did. Then I spent an hour on the phone with my counselor. After that, I made N a snack because he was “starving” and put him to bed. I got two loads of laundry washed and one dried while talking to BJ on the phone before settling down for the night. This morning in addition to the normal routine I managed to get some things put away in my bedroom that have needed it for a very long time, unpacked a box of blankets that had remained unopened since the move a year ago, dried the second load of laundry from last night, and got one more load of laundry washed and into the dryer although all three loads (in addition to a load of sheets I did a couple of days ago) still need to be folded. All of this productivity helped me feel better about things even though the house is still a disaster. That’s okay though because it is less of a disaster this minute than it was 24 hours ago. As long as I keep making progress, even slow snail-like progress, I will consider it to be a success.
I’ve also come up with a plan to start going through all theshit crap junk unwanted treasures in the house and dividing them into three categories: Sell, Donate, and Scrap. I am going to put them in designated places in the garage and tell W he has until a certain date to go through the things and take what he wants. After that, I will dispose of the items according to their category.
Yep, that there is daylight at the end of the tunnel. Whew!
So with that opening, let me say that while all does not look peachy keen just yet I am seeing that the light at the end of the tunnel is drawing nearer and is indeed daylight and blue skies.
Thank you to the readers who responded to my cry for help yesterday. Thank you to my counselor who also responded to my cry for help last night during our counseling session. Thank you to BJ who listened patiently as I droned on and on about all that is awful and negative. Thank you to N for proving that the counselor’s advice was right on target by reacting exactly as she predicted when I tried certain parenting techniques.
Yesterday after work I managed before W brought N home for the night at 8:00 p.m. to have a well balanced healthy dinner, get gas at what appeared to be the last “cheap” station in town so that I paid “only” $3.71 instead of $3.89 a gallon, and stop at the grocery store for some much needed staples (milk, juice, frozen pizza). I got home maybe 15 minutes before N did. Then I spent an hour on the phone with my counselor. After that, I made N a snack because he was “starving” and put him to bed. I got two loads of laundry washed and one dried while talking to BJ on the phone before settling down for the night. This morning in addition to the normal routine I managed to get some things put away in my bedroom that have needed it for a very long time, unpacked a box of blankets that had remained unopened since the move a year ago, dried the second load of laundry from last night, and got one more load of laundry washed and into the dryer although all three loads (in addition to a load of sheets I did a couple of days ago) still need to be folded. All of this productivity helped me feel better about things even though the house is still a disaster. That’s okay though because it is less of a disaster this minute than it was 24 hours ago. As long as I keep making progress, even slow snail-like progress, I will consider it to be a success.
I’ve also come up with a plan to start going through all the
Yep, that there is daylight at the end of the tunnel. Whew!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I Need Your Help
Drowning as I am in this depression, I have been trying to go back and read some of the blog entries in my archives that show my strength, that show me I can pull myself out of this and do better than this. As I was doing this I thought who better to ask than my readers who often have pointed out my strengths to me to send me back to some of their favorite posts of mine that might help me see that all is not bleak, that the light at the end of the tunnel is indeed daylight and not the headlight of an oncoming train.
So blessed readers, if you would be so kind, point me in the direction of some of my old posts that reveal the strength I know I have in me but just can't find right now.
Thank you kindest readers in the blogosphere.
So blessed readers, if you would be so kind, point me in the direction of some of my old posts that reveal the strength I know I have in me but just can't find right now.
Thank you kindest readers in the blogosphere.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Blue or Maybe Shades of Gray
I am in a blue mood (Who am I kidding here but me? “Blue mood” as used here is simply a euphemism for depression.) and can’t really pinpoint the reason other than life isn’t perfect and feels too difficult to be worth the effort right now.
Maybe I’m overwhelmed. I certainly feel overwhelmed when I look at all that needs to be done, and I feel like I’m never going to be able to get on top of it so I don’t tackle anything at all and then it just gets worse.
I can’t seem to get my brain to settle on one thing for very long. It flits from this to that from here to there, and I feel like I get nothing finished before I start the next thing. Then there’s something else that must be done right now so I stop and work on that until the next interruption by something that requires immediate attention.
I really want to go crawl in bed and stay there for about a month. I’d do it, too, if I thought things would be better at the end of that month. But they wouldn’t. If anything, they would be worse. I hate that I get myself stuck in these places, yet I do it over and over again.
Depression is an interesting phenomenon. I can see that I’m in the throes of depression right now. I can intellectually understand that the depression is not rational, and yet I feel incapable of moving beyond it. Indeed, I even feel incapable of moving at all. I am so very tired of the feeling of depression. I don’t know what I need to make it better, and maybe because of the depression, I feel like any attempts I make will fail to make it better anyway.
It is so hard to explain the feelings that swirl about inside me when depression takes hold. I feel like nobody will understand even if I do give voice to the feelings. They are not thoughts and feelings that are easily understood for they are complex and not simple thoughts. They are almost too complex to be able to articulate through words.
It’s moments like these, when the depression looms heavily, that I long to check myself into a psych facility. I know it probably isn’t as pleasant as I imagine, but when I think of it I picture myself sitting in a sunlit room reading book after book. I picture attendants taking care of me and me having no responsibilities at all. I picture being told when to get up and when to go to bed. I picture being told when to eat and what to eat. I picture sitting and reading and waiting for an attendant to come along to tell me it is time to move on to the next thing. Yes, it sounds so simple, and I long for the simplicity of it. I’m sure the reality of it would be much worse than I imagine. It is for that reason, and for not wanting to jeopardize custody of N, that I continue plodding forward. I have to keep moving forward, even if it is a struggle and feels too hard at times, for if I were to stop making the effort I might just end up in that facility, and worse yet, I might just lose N. I can't take chances with that.
Maybe I’m overwhelmed. I certainly feel overwhelmed when I look at all that needs to be done, and I feel like I’m never going to be able to get on top of it so I don’t tackle anything at all and then it just gets worse.
I can’t seem to get my brain to settle on one thing for very long. It flits from this to that from here to there, and I feel like I get nothing finished before I start the next thing. Then there’s something else that must be done right now so I stop and work on that until the next interruption by something that requires immediate attention.
I really want to go crawl in bed and stay there for about a month. I’d do it, too, if I thought things would be better at the end of that month. But they wouldn’t. If anything, they would be worse. I hate that I get myself stuck in these places, yet I do it over and over again.
Depression is an interesting phenomenon. I can see that I’m in the throes of depression right now. I can intellectually understand that the depression is not rational, and yet I feel incapable of moving beyond it. Indeed, I even feel incapable of moving at all. I am so very tired of the feeling of depression. I don’t know what I need to make it better, and maybe because of the depression, I feel like any attempts I make will fail to make it better anyway.
It is so hard to explain the feelings that swirl about inside me when depression takes hold. I feel like nobody will understand even if I do give voice to the feelings. They are not thoughts and feelings that are easily understood for they are complex and not simple thoughts. They are almost too complex to be able to articulate through words.
It’s moments like these, when the depression looms heavily, that I long to check myself into a psych facility. I know it probably isn’t as pleasant as I imagine, but when I think of it I picture myself sitting in a sunlit room reading book after book. I picture attendants taking care of me and me having no responsibilities at all. I picture being told when to get up and when to go to bed. I picture being told when to eat and what to eat. I picture sitting and reading and waiting for an attendant to come along to tell me it is time to move on to the next thing. Yes, it sounds so simple, and I long for the simplicity of it. I’m sure the reality of it would be much worse than I imagine. It is for that reason, and for not wanting to jeopardize custody of N, that I continue plodding forward. I have to keep moving forward, even if it is a struggle and feels too hard at times, for if I were to stop making the effort I might just end up in that facility, and worse yet, I might just lose N. I can't take chances with that.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy Mother's Day
N woke me this morning at 8:00 a.m. demanding breakfast. He wanted oatmeal, and he wanted it immediately. I groggily made my way to the kitchen and made oatmeal. Inadvertently I put too many dried cranberries in it to suit him so he refused it and got himself some cold cereal of chocolatey goodness for which he goes cuckoo. Perhaps he felt bad after I bitched about his behavior because he ate both the oatmeal and the cold cereal.
Oh yeah, it's a great start to the day. . .
Oh yeah, it's a great start to the day. . .
Friday, May 09, 2008
Exposed
Good gravies, am I brave enough to actually post a real photo of me on here? Oh heck, why not? Why not blow every last shred of anonymity I've pretended to have?
So here you go. Guess I ought to go find out who some of these people are that look like me. Not that I don't know all of them, but I only know 2 of the 5.
Am I brave enough to leave this up for the world to see? Don't know. Look quick. It may not last.
So here you go. Guess I ought to go find out who some of these people are that look like me. Not that I don't know all of them, but I only know 2 of the 5.
Am I brave enough to leave this up for the world to see? Don't know. Look quick. It may not last.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
MYOB Trueself MYOB
Call me nosy, but I like to know what’s happening behind the scenes. I like to know the inside scoop. I don’t think I’ve ever thought that I knew too much about anything that was going on within my sphere of family/friends/acquaintances (on the other hand, I really don’t want to know celebrity junk because I just don’t care about them). I am not necessarily prone to sharing all that I know. Because of that sometimes people will confide in me things that aren’t confided in many others. I like it that way. I like to be well informed whether it’s my business or not.
Now there are two situations about which I know very little occurring in the present that have to do with people relatively close to me, and ain’t nobody sharin’ nothin’ with me. Can you say FRUSTRATION?!?!? Mind you, there is really little reason for me to know more than what I do know, but gosh darn it I want to know more! I have questions, and I want answers. In both cases, one more so than the other, it would be inappropriate of me to snoop in order to ferret out the answers. Yet it is driving me crazy, this desire for knowledge. I need to mind my own business. After all, curiosity killed the cat. (Yes, but satisfaction brought it back.) Anyway, I will not be pursuing answers to any of my questions, but I will continue to hope that perhaps in some way some answers will fall into my lap if I make myself open and available to them. Naturally, I will share my quandaries and frustrations here, on my blog, where I can expose anonymously all those thoughts that I can’t vocalize in the real world.
Mystery #1
W has started a new business of sorts. He told me he started two LLCs in two different states, neither of which is a state in which we live. Our counselor made mention of some kind of internet-based business he was starting. He is flying away for this weekend to a training or conference of some sort apparently related to the business and has been receiving “important” phone calls on Mondays related to it. W also asked me to get his name taken off the mortgage on the house because it is interfering with him getting a loan for his business (which I haven’t done by the way, and won’t, until I make sure I’m not hurting myself by doing it by checking with my attorney). That’s it. That’s the sum total of my knowledge. I’m dying to know more only because I’m afraid this is another of his get rich quick schemes, and he’s going to be taken for some amount of money before he finds out that it isn’t all he thinks it will be. It’s not really my business anymore now that we’re separated, but it sure makes me want to get the divorce over with ASAP so that I have absolutely no liability associated with any of it. I would love to ask him a million questions about it, but he wouldn’t answer them. Besides it might give him the idea that I care, and I don’t want that. Sigh. . .
Mystery #2
I received a letter in the mail recently from my church. Now there’s nothing so unusual about that. The letter was a form letter that I presume was sent to all members and regular attendees of the church. The unusual thing is that it was a letter explaining that the pastor was being booted out. I found it most unusual because I have heard absolutely no rumblings or grumblings about the pastor, and usually if there is dissatisfaction with the pastor it is not a big secret since churches tend to have a gossipy atmosphere in spite of the fact that gossip is generally recognized as a sin. The letter specified that the pastor was being let go due to performance issues that have been addressed over a number of months, but was otherwise quite vague. I am dying to know what on earth the situation is that caused such a move by the church council. I am concerned for the pastor and his family because I like him and them and hope that everything is going to be okay for them. I can’t help myself when faced with so little actual information from speculating in my own mind what the missing pieces are. I may be far off the mark in my speculations, and I will share them with no one because I don’t want to inadvertently start off a whole string of rumors that have little to no foundation. While some of my desire for knowledge of what happened is idle curiosity, there is a good portion of it that comes from a desire to discern whether the actions of the church council are ones of which I would approve or disapprove. If I would approve then all is well. However, if I would disapprove then I would need to think about whether a change of churches would be in order or whether I should stay and become more involved in the polity at church so that I could work to influence future actions there.
So there. Now that's all down in writing I can let fly free and unfettered from my brain. Then maybe I can concentrate on important things, like work.
Now there are two situations about which I know very little occurring in the present that have to do with people relatively close to me, and ain’t nobody sharin’ nothin’ with me. Can you say FRUSTRATION?!?!? Mind you, there is really little reason for me to know more than what I do know, but gosh darn it I want to know more! I have questions, and I want answers. In both cases, one more so than the other, it would be inappropriate of me to snoop in order to ferret out the answers. Yet it is driving me crazy, this desire for knowledge. I need to mind my own business. After all, curiosity killed the cat. (Yes, but satisfaction brought it back.) Anyway, I will not be pursuing answers to any of my questions, but I will continue to hope that perhaps in some way some answers will fall into my lap if I make myself open and available to them. Naturally, I will share my quandaries and frustrations here, on my blog, where I can expose anonymously all those thoughts that I can’t vocalize in the real world.
Mystery #1
W has started a new business of sorts. He told me he started two LLCs in two different states, neither of which is a state in which we live. Our counselor made mention of some kind of internet-based business he was starting. He is flying away for this weekend to a training or conference of some sort apparently related to the business and has been receiving “important” phone calls on Mondays related to it. W also asked me to get his name taken off the mortgage on the house because it is interfering with him getting a loan for his business (which I haven’t done by the way, and won’t, until I make sure I’m not hurting myself by doing it by checking with my attorney). That’s it. That’s the sum total of my knowledge. I’m dying to know more only because I’m afraid this is another of his get rich quick schemes, and he’s going to be taken for some amount of money before he finds out that it isn’t all he thinks it will be. It’s not really my business anymore now that we’re separated, but it sure makes me want to get the divorce over with ASAP so that I have absolutely no liability associated with any of it. I would love to ask him a million questions about it, but he wouldn’t answer them. Besides it might give him the idea that I care, and I don’t want that. Sigh. . .
Mystery #2
I received a letter in the mail recently from my church. Now there’s nothing so unusual about that. The letter was a form letter that I presume was sent to all members and regular attendees of the church. The unusual thing is that it was a letter explaining that the pastor was being booted out. I found it most unusual because I have heard absolutely no rumblings or grumblings about the pastor, and usually if there is dissatisfaction with the pastor it is not a big secret since churches tend to have a gossipy atmosphere in spite of the fact that gossip is generally recognized as a sin. The letter specified that the pastor was being let go due to performance issues that have been addressed over a number of months, but was otherwise quite vague. I am dying to know what on earth the situation is that caused such a move by the church council. I am concerned for the pastor and his family because I like him and them and hope that everything is going to be okay for them. I can’t help myself when faced with so little actual information from speculating in my own mind what the missing pieces are. I may be far off the mark in my speculations, and I will share them with no one because I don’t want to inadvertently start off a whole string of rumors that have little to no foundation. While some of my desire for knowledge of what happened is idle curiosity, there is a good portion of it that comes from a desire to discern whether the actions of the church council are ones of which I would approve or disapprove. If I would approve then all is well. However, if I would disapprove then I would need to think about whether a change of churches would be in order or whether I should stay and become more involved in the polity at church so that I could work to influence future actions there.
So there. Now that's all down in writing I can let fly free and unfettered from my brain. Then maybe I can concentrate on important things, like work.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Facing Reality
Reality is:
• N and W have trouble getting along.
• Both of them turn to me to mediate when they don’t get along.
• I make the situation worse, not better, by mediating.
• N and W get along better when forced to deal with each other rather than go through me.
• I have to learn to let go and let them develop their own relationship on their own terms.
• As part of the problem, I must work to fix my part of the problem only and let them work on fixing their parts of the problem.
• It is hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I have to learn to do so.
• I also have to learn when it is appropriate to speak up and when it is not, and then follow through appropriately.
• N and W both benefit from having a relationship with one another.
Sometimes it isn’t so easy to face reality. It’s taken a long time for me to really see and understand my part in the difficulties between N and W. It’s taken a lot of counseling by the most patient counselor in the universe (at least from what I can tell) to finally get through to me. I am not the cause of their problems, but I am definitely a contributor. As long as I am available to them to mediate, then they are more than happy to voice all their complaints to me with the expectation that I will bear the burden of it, sit as judge and jury and issue a verdict. That should not be my role, and I am finally able to see that clearly. I am finally able to see that I am not helping the situation but making it worse. I am finally able to see that when I tell N that he will have to deal with W when he is with W and tell W that he will have to deal with N when he is with N that things start to get better. I can see clearly that W and I were never going to agree on certain parenting issues. Neither of us could persuade the other to the other’s point of view. It is better that we live apart and parent N apart from one another. N is starting to accept that Dad’s rules rule at Dad’s place and Mom’s rules rule at mine. It doesn’t matter whether or not something is acceptable one place if it isn’t acceptable at the other. What matters is that the rules are the rules, and just like rules at school may be different than those at home the rules at one home may be different than in the other home.
Oh, I know that some readers are going to think this is the most simplistic thing ever, and of course this is how it ought to be, and why on earth am I making such a big deal out of it, and why wasn’t I doing it that way all along. (Don’t you just love run on sentences? My grade school teachers are turning in their graves right now.) The fact is that being caught up in the middle of it made it harder to see the truth than looking in from the outside. I’m just glad I finally got my little pea brain wrapped around the truth of the situation, and I’m very glad that I am doing things little by little to make things better.
• N and W have trouble getting along.
• Both of them turn to me to mediate when they don’t get along.
• I make the situation worse, not better, by mediating.
• N and W get along better when forced to deal with each other rather than go through me.
• I have to learn to let go and let them develop their own relationship on their own terms.
• As part of the problem, I must work to fix my part of the problem only and let them work on fixing their parts of the problem.
• It is hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I have to learn to do so.
• I also have to learn when it is appropriate to speak up and when it is not, and then follow through appropriately.
• N and W both benefit from having a relationship with one another.
Sometimes it isn’t so easy to face reality. It’s taken a long time for me to really see and understand my part in the difficulties between N and W. It’s taken a lot of counseling by the most patient counselor in the universe (at least from what I can tell) to finally get through to me. I am not the cause of their problems, but I am definitely a contributor. As long as I am available to them to mediate, then they are more than happy to voice all their complaints to me with the expectation that I will bear the burden of it, sit as judge and jury and issue a verdict. That should not be my role, and I am finally able to see that clearly. I am finally able to see that I am not helping the situation but making it worse. I am finally able to see that when I tell N that he will have to deal with W when he is with W and tell W that he will have to deal with N when he is with N that things start to get better. I can see clearly that W and I were never going to agree on certain parenting issues. Neither of us could persuade the other to the other’s point of view. It is better that we live apart and parent N apart from one another. N is starting to accept that Dad’s rules rule at Dad’s place and Mom’s rules rule at mine. It doesn’t matter whether or not something is acceptable one place if it isn’t acceptable at the other. What matters is that the rules are the rules, and just like rules at school may be different than those at home the rules at one home may be different than in the other home.
Oh, I know that some readers are going to think this is the most simplistic thing ever, and of course this is how it ought to be, and why on earth am I making such a big deal out of it, and why wasn’t I doing it that way all along. (Don’t you just love run on sentences? My grade school teachers are turning in their graves right now.) The fact is that being caught up in the middle of it made it harder to see the truth than looking in from the outside. I’m just glad I finally got my little pea brain wrapped around the truth of the situation, and I’m very glad that I am doing things little by little to make things better.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Most Mundane Post E-V-E-R
I’m trying to figure out why I feel stressed and rushed all the time. To that end I took a look at yesterday and today, fairly typical weekdays for me, yesterday with N in my custody and today with N in W’s custody.
Here’s what I found:
YESTERDAY
6:30-7:00 Get up, bathed & dressed
7:00-8:00 Morning chores
8:00-8:15 Commute
8:15-5:15 Work
5:15-5:30 Commute
5:30-7:45 Little League
7:45-8:30 Grab semi-fast food dinner
8:30-9:00 Put N to bed
9:00-10:30 "Free" time
10:30-6:30 Sleep
TODAY
6:30-7:00 Get up, bathed & dressed
7:00-8:00 Morning chores
8:00-8:15 Commute
8:15-5:15 Work
5:15-5:30 Commute
5:30-8:00 "Free" time
8:00-9:00 Counseling
9:00-10:30 "Free" time
10:30-6:30 Sleep
Morning chores include:
Making breakfast
Taking care of the dog
Helping N get ready for school
Putting dishes in/out of dishwasher
Trying to wake up
Things I need/want to include in "free" time:
Exercise
Laundry
Handling finances: paying bills, balancing checkbook, etc
Cleaning house
Grocery shopping
Blogging
Watching TV
Getting together with friends
Reading
Now looking at this makes me realize that something has to give somewhere. I can’t possibly spend my weekends having fun (like I have been) if I’ve got to fit all this into my life somehow. Hard choices will have to be made. Obviously I can combine some things into the same block of time. Tonight, for example, I will do the laundry and pay bills at the same time. Start a load, sit down work on bills, move load #1 to dryer and put load #2 in washer, pay more bills, and so on until done. My house needs more cleaning (actually decluttering because I have a cleaning service in that takes care of the kitchen and bathrooms and floors) than I could get done in a month if I worked on it full time.
In the past, I’ve just shorted myself on my eight hours of sleep, but that isn’t good. I’m too old to do that anymore. It catches up to me way too quickly and causes too many problems so I have to make that a priority. I have to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table so adjusting the work time isn’t really possible nor is it possible to cut the commute time without just moving into the office building. I already use many of my lunch hours to run errands, or stay at my desk and make necessary calls, or work through so I can leave on time.
This will get better (I hope). Once soccer and baseball seasons are over I will spend less time ferrying N back and forth to practices and attending games. Of course, by then BJ will be in the area permanently and wanting a little of my time on occasion too.
I’m tired. I think I’ll take a nap during some of tonight’s free time. If that doesn’t help me accomplish anything on my to do list at least it will help me avoid it for a bit longer.
Here’s what I found:
YESTERDAY
6:30-7:00 Get up, bathed & dressed
7:00-8:00 Morning chores
8:00-8:15 Commute
8:15-5:15 Work
5:15-5:30 Commute
5:30-7:45 Little League
7:45-8:30 Grab semi-fast food dinner
8:30-9:00 Put N to bed
9:00-10:30 "Free" time
10:30-6:30 Sleep
TODAY
6:30-7:00 Get up, bathed & dressed
7:00-8:00 Morning chores
8:00-8:15 Commute
8:15-5:15 Work
5:15-5:30 Commute
5:30-8:00 "Free" time
8:00-9:00 Counseling
9:00-10:30 "Free" time
10:30-6:30 Sleep
Morning chores include:
Making breakfast
Taking care of the dog
Helping N get ready for school
Putting dishes in/out of dishwasher
Trying to wake up
Things I need/want to include in "free" time:
Exercise
Laundry
Handling finances: paying bills, balancing checkbook, etc
Cleaning house
Grocery shopping
Blogging
Watching TV
Getting together with friends
Reading
Now looking at this makes me realize that something has to give somewhere. I can’t possibly spend my weekends having fun (like I have been) if I’ve got to fit all this into my life somehow. Hard choices will have to be made. Obviously I can combine some things into the same block of time. Tonight, for example, I will do the laundry and pay bills at the same time. Start a load, sit down work on bills, move load #1 to dryer and put load #2 in washer, pay more bills, and so on until done. My house needs more cleaning (actually decluttering because I have a cleaning service in that takes care of the kitchen and bathrooms and floors) than I could get done in a month if I worked on it full time.
In the past, I’ve just shorted myself on my eight hours of sleep, but that isn’t good. I’m too old to do that anymore. It catches up to me way too quickly and causes too many problems so I have to make that a priority. I have to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table so adjusting the work time isn’t really possible nor is it possible to cut the commute time without just moving into the office building. I already use many of my lunch hours to run errands, or stay at my desk and make necessary calls, or work through so I can leave on time.
This will get better (I hope). Once soccer and baseball seasons are over I will spend less time ferrying N back and forth to practices and attending games. Of course, by then BJ will be in the area permanently and wanting a little of my time on occasion too.
I’m tired. I think I’ll take a nap during some of tonight’s free time. If that doesn’t help me accomplish anything on my to do list at least it will help me avoid it for a bit longer.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Busy Mind
I dream very vividly and many dreams a night lately. They are mostly of similar themes. W frustrates me in almost every one. Just like real life. What I wouldn't give to have a nice peaceful night's sleep for a change.
Friday, May 02, 2008
First Date
I went out on a first date last night. It was great! I picked him up at his place, and we went out for dinner and then attended a show.
Dinner was nice, nothing fancy, just sandwiches and salads at a café. We chatted and gazed in each others’ eyes as we ate. There was a comfort between us not often found on first dates. After dinner, we drove to the local theater for an NPR event, This American Life. We got there early because we knew it would be crowded, and we wanted decent seats. He took my hand soon after we sat down, and we held hands throughout the entire event. It was a live event held in New York but beamed out to theaters across the nation. Ira Glass is one of the few people who looks similar to how I pictured him when listening to him on the radio. He was witty and engaging as he always is on the radio, and has a way of making me feel like he’s talking just to me, telling me some story of someone he’s interviewed. My date wasn’t the NPR junkie that I am so had no idea what it would be like. Afterwards, he told me that he loved the show and wanted to go listen to a podcast or two from their website.
I took him back to his place. We sat in the car and made out briefly before he went inside, and I returned home to N. We’ll be seeing each other again tonight.
Life certainly is weird when your first date with someone comes more than a year and a half after first meeting him, spending weekends with him, and sleeping with him numerous times. We sure have gone at this thing bass ackwards. At least we’ve now gotten past the first date! LOL
Dinner was nice, nothing fancy, just sandwiches and salads at a café. We chatted and gazed in each others’ eyes as we ate. There was a comfort between us not often found on first dates. After dinner, we drove to the local theater for an NPR event, This American Life. We got there early because we knew it would be crowded, and we wanted decent seats. He took my hand soon after we sat down, and we held hands throughout the entire event. It was a live event held in New York but beamed out to theaters across the nation. Ira Glass is one of the few people who looks similar to how I pictured him when listening to him on the radio. He was witty and engaging as he always is on the radio, and has a way of making me feel like he’s talking just to me, telling me some story of someone he’s interviewed. My date wasn’t the NPR junkie that I am so had no idea what it would be like. Afterwards, he told me that he loved the show and wanted to go listen to a podcast or two from their website.
I took him back to his place. We sat in the car and made out briefly before he went inside, and I returned home to N. We’ll be seeing each other again tonight.
Life certainly is weird when your first date with someone comes more than a year and a half after first meeting him, spending weekends with him, and sleeping with him numerous times. We sure have gone at this thing bass ackwards. At least we’ve now gotten past the first date! LOL
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Nothing of Note Here
Move on to the next blog. Nothing to see here but the addle brained ramblings of a woman with a nasty head cold.
I have a cold. I am especially bummed because I have a cold when BJ is here. We are going tonight to the local theater to attend "This American Life" hosted by Ira Glass. If you don't know what or who that is then you aren't the NPR junkie that I am. I will make it there no matter what even if I can barely keep my eyes open and have to bring a wheelbarrow full of tissues to take care of my runny nose.
In other news, I stuck W last night with caring for N even though it wasn't his day to have N. I was sick. I needed sleep. I went to bed before 8:30. W was a bit put out, but who cares? He won't move his PC out of my house and was sitting at his PC yesterday evening doing whatever so I put him to use. So sue me.
It is May Day. I had completely forgotten until a coworker mentioned it being May 1. (Where did April go BTW?) Does anybody else remember as a kid exchanging May Day baskets with the neighbor kids, or was that just a local thing in the one small town in which I lived? The tulips were generally in bloom so I would stick one or two in each basket.
Peggle. If you haven't played it, try it. It's addictive. Sometimes I hate what a junkie I am for free web-based games.
See? You were warned in the title and the first line of the post. There was nothing of note here yet you read it anyway. Tsk, tsk. . .
I have a cold. I am especially bummed because I have a cold when BJ is here. We are going tonight to the local theater to attend "This American Life" hosted by Ira Glass. If you don't know what or who that is then you aren't the NPR junkie that I am. I will make it there no matter what even if I can barely keep my eyes open and have to bring a wheelbarrow full of tissues to take care of my runny nose.
In other news, I stuck W last night with caring for N even though it wasn't his day to have N. I was sick. I needed sleep. I went to bed before 8:30. W was a bit put out, but who cares? He won't move his PC out of my house and was sitting at his PC yesterday evening doing whatever so I put him to use. So sue me.
It is May Day. I had completely forgotten until a coworker mentioned it being May 1. (Where did April go BTW?) Does anybody else remember as a kid exchanging May Day baskets with the neighbor kids, or was that just a local thing in the one small town in which I lived? The tulips were generally in bloom so I would stick one or two in each basket.
Peggle. If you haven't played it, try it. It's addictive. Sometimes I hate what a junkie I am for free web-based games.
See? You were warned in the title and the first line of the post. There was nothing of note here yet you read it anyway. Tsk, tsk. . .
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