Can't Leave it Alone

This morning I sent J this email:

J,

Okay, you might just as well respond to me at some point because I’m just not going to let go of this until you do.

Here’s what I need to know. I need to know where you stand right now. I need to know if I should throw away my fantasies, set them high up on a shelf, or if I should wait for you. I need to know if you want nothing to do with me, or if you want to be “hi, how ya’ doin’” friends, or if you want to be lovers, or if you want to work on making a real relationship with me. I need to know these things so that I can move on with my life in whatever direction I’m going to go, and right now I’ve kind of put myself in a holding pattern waiting to see if you want to be a part of my life or not. I’m confused because I have gotten very mixed messages from you. I think you love me, then I think you don’t. I think you want a relationship with me, but I don’t know what kind. Then I think maybe you don’t want anything to do with me at all. I am so confused that I don’t know how to move on from here, but I can’t stay stuck in this spot. So I need to know where you stand. I think you know where I stand, but if not, ask me.

And please, please, please do not hold my email from a couple of days ago against me. I was venting. I needed to vent, but I should have just written it in Word and deleted it. I never should have sent it. It was impulsive and rash, like too many of the things I do. Please know that I have vowed to think before acting from now on and have thought long and hard about this email and edited to where it says what I really, really want to say.

Please email me, call me, come see me, write me a letter, communicate with me in any possible way. I really need to know the answers to the questions I’ve raised here.

Here is all my contact information (home info is good only until I move out, hopefully within the next month or so once I find a place), so no excuses for not communicating:

Work:
Company
99999 N. Street, Suite 999
City, ST 99999
999-999-9999
first.last@company.com

Home:
99999 Street Name
City, ST 99999
999-999-9999 home
999-999-9999 cell
emailname@isp.com

Love,
Trueself

If it's over, it's over, but I just need to hear him say it. I need to know for sure. I hate that I keep hanging onto this thread of hope when I don't know for sure that it isn't valid. Hopefully, I will hear something from J this weekend. Hopefully. . .