Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Still Torn, Though Not as Much

The weekend away with W was great. He really did help me remember why things used to be, and can be, so good between the two of us. I did truly start to fall back in love with W over the weekend.

On the other hand, J has not had any contact with me at all since he called last Tuesday. This is starting to remind me why I could let him go 20+ years ago. Lack of interest, lack of wanting a commitment. Maybe the whole STD thing has scared him off. Maybe he's just being J, holding back. Either way, I fear that he is so less interested in me than I am in him.

So it makes good logical sense to rekindle the relationship with W and make our marriage work. Dump the fantasies about J and give up all contact with him so I can truly focus on fixing my marriage.

HOWEVER, I so badly don't want to lose touch with J. I so badly want to maintain some connection with J. In so doing, am I just setting myself up for being hurt and disappointed? My fear is that I am. Besides, if I'm really honest with myself I would have to say that maintaining contact with J is really holding out the hope that some day he will come around and want a relationship with me again. Is it really fair to W to continue on in the marriage if one word from J would be all it would take to get me to leave? Or do I work on the marriage in the hopes that my desire for J will fade over time?

I still have many more questions than answers, but I'm working on it.


Stinkypaw said...

"So it makes good logical sense to rekindle the relationship with W and make our marriage work." what about your heart, what does it tell you? Are you settling? or do you really want to work on your marriage and re-discover W.? The fact that you "so badly" don't want to lose touch with J. should be an indicator that you're not completely committed to making the effort. You know you can't have both and be able to deal with it ('cause that's the hard part!) You said it best: "In so doing, am I just setting myself up for being hurt and disappointed? My fear is that I am" Trust your fear, your instinct... but mostly don't give up!

trueself said...

Am I settling? Of course I'm settling.

Do I really want to work on my relationship with W? That's the biggest question I'm grappling with right now. If J were to tell me that there was no chance that he and I would ever be together, then the answer would be yes, I really want to make the relationship with W work. But J isn't telling me that. J is staying in this just enough to keep me hooked. J is giving me just enough that I keep hanging in there, hoping for more sometime in the future.

And yes, I do believe I will be hurt and disappointed at some point in the future because I will finally push J to the point that he will push me away, finally, even though that is the absolute last thing that I would ever want to have happen.

You say to "Trust your fear, your instinct." Well, by trusting my fear, I will do what it takes to protect myself even if it means making myself unhappy. In other words, I will stay with W, reject J, and make the best of what I've got. On the other hand, if I trust my instinct I will risk everything to actively pursue J and reject W. In so doing, I risk making not only myself unhappy (if J rejects me anyway) but also W and our son and even others that would be affected by all this. Right now it feels like too big of a risk. Right now I'm playing it safe, or trying to. There are so many people rooting for this marriage to work. I'm not sure I can bear the weight of the disappointment of so many people if I give up on the marriage without having at least J in my corner. I'm just not strong enough to stand on my own. God, I hate to admit that, but it's true.

Stinkypaw said...

You are one confused lady... I feel for you. You don't want to end up alone, that's fine. What I'm wondering about is your honesty level: you see your behavior, your acknoledge it, you "know" it's not really good for you, and yet you keep on holding on the the "possibility" (I should say "hope") that J. could come your way... Is that the way you want to live... waiting for something (maybe!) better to come along? What about living the moment? The now?

You are with W. and you know that he wants this to work, why are you waiting for the other one (once again, didn't you already do this with J. 20 years ago?) to make up his mind?

I guess we don't "locate" our fears and instict from the same place, mine are NOT in my heart, it's my gutt feeling and my head. You're thinking with your heart alone and everything is fear based.

You don't want this thing with J. to be over so you're holding on any which way you can.

When YOU decide that YOU REALLY want YOUR marriage to work, YOU will let go of your "dreams & hopes" about J. and move on... with or without W.

Don't worry about what people might think, first of all they don't do it very often and like Dr. Phil says "They don't think of you that often" (or something like that). You have to live your life for YOU not others. ...and you're probably stronger than you give yourself credit for...

trueself said...

Yes, I am very, very confused.

Yes, I am thinking with my heart alone.

Yes, I know it is ridiculous to continue to hope that J & I will ever be together.

Yes, I know I'm holding on to J in any way I can in spite of all the reasons not to.

Yes, I need to decide what I really want.

I really see that J's relationship with T is in some ways parallelling mine with W. J says he is bending over backwards to try and get back together with T. W is bending over backwards to get me to stay with him. T and I are both holding back from giving the 100% go ahead to our husbands, yet neither of us is letting go either. I guess J and W are clearest on what it is they want while T and I are both waffling.

Why oh why oh why oh why am I allowing J so much control over my life? Why can't I get over him and move on? Crap.