Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Unluckiest Person on Earth

Once, just once, in the last fifteen years I cheat on W.

Yesterday, I go see the physician's assistant at my doctor's office because I think I have a bladder infection. They run tests. The physician's assistant comes back into the examination room to tell me that I have an STD, trichomoniasis. I am stunned, floored, absolutely in shock. He proceeds to tell me I should be tested for other STDs so he wants to do some blood tests for syphilis, chlamydia, and HIV. He asks if I am in a monogomous relationship. I nod. He says then I better have a talk with my husband. My mind is racing. Oh.My.God. He keeps talking, but I have no clue what he is saying. He finally pauses, and I ask him a question - if an individual had sex with someone just last Saturday could this show up this soon? I was so hoping he would say no, but he said "Yes, but if you are being monogomous. . ." I cut him off and said "Well, I wasn't 100% honest about that."

Oh.My.God. I feel like the pregnant teenager who says "But we only did it once. How could this happen to me?" I leave the doctor's office, in utter shock, prescription for antibiotics in hand, and with the admonition that I need to alert anyone I've been with so that they can be tested too. I look at my watch. J is off work, probably driving home. I figure it is better to tell him this than email it to him, so I call his cell phone. I'm sure he was surprised to hear from me so soon. I was certainly surprised to be contacting him so soon. I explain why I am calling. He sounds like he is as stunned as I was. I tell him he better get tested and let anybody he has been with know so that they can be tested. He swears he hasn't been with anybody for about six months before Saturday. We end our conversation with me apologizing for bearing bad news, and J apologizing if he caused this.

I called W. Using the a-strong-offense-is-your-best-defense strategy, after explaining my diagnosis, I launch into accusations against him. I have some basis because although we were unsuccessful, we had tried to have intercourse about three weeks ago with contact that could have spread something from him to me. I was desperately hoping that I could get him to admit to some unfaithfulness anytime in the past several years. He swore that once we stopped swinging back in 1990, he has been 100% faithful. I told him if ever there was a time to come clean, it would be now (oh, yes, I know it's ironic), and I would forgive him if there were any indiscretions. I believed him completely when he swore up and down there had been nobody else. For some reason, he never asked me if I needed to confess to anything. W is going to call our doctor's office today to get tested. He tells me he intends to ask a lot of questions about how this could happen. I'm praying that there is an alternate to the explanation that I fear most, that my one indiscretion in years is the cause of all this.

So here is what I know:
I have only been with W since 1990 up until last Saturday.
W swears that he has only been with me in that same time period.
W and I have only attempted intercourse once in the last year, about three weeks ago.
J swears that he has not been with anyone in six months, and for several years before that only with T.
J and I have only been together once, just two days before I am diagnosed.

So I don't know. Could I have had this for years with no symptoms? Could W have had it for years with no symptoms and only recently passed it on to me? Likewise, could J have had it for some time but not known it and passed it on to me?

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. I know I've wanted to leave W, but somehow I wanted it to be on my own terms in my own timing. Now I risk being found out and booted out. Boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Breathe, just breathe.

1 comment:

Stinkypaw said...

That's a big one... take it as it comes... and if I did pray you'd be in my prayers. Not an easy time ahead...

Sometimes when we play with fire... we do get burn...sadly...