Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Just Thinking

I didn’t post an entry yesterday because nothing at all has happened except I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, thinking about what I really want and the impact it could have.

Just because I want something doesn’t automatically mean that I should have it or that it is the best the thing for me. So I want J. So what? He hasn’t even said for sure that he wants me.

Here are my pros and cons list to try and help me decide what to do:

Pros of leaving W:
Free to be with J
End the frustration of being in a bad marriage

Cons of leaving W:
W will be devastated
Our son will no longer have an intact home
My family will be upset and W’s will say “Told you so”
Having to deal with all the divorce stuff like division of assets/custody of our son, etc
I will miss the things W does for me like everyday errands
No guarantee that J will want me

The con list is a whole lot longer than the pro list, but does ending the frustration trump all the rest? I guess this is where I get hung up. I would love to end the frustration, but W wants to show me that he can change, that this can all work out. Should I give him the chance? How many times? This isn’t, after all, the first time he has said this. I don’t want to stay only to find out that as soon as he is comfortable that I am staying he will change back to old behavior again like he has done in the past. Why should I expect this time to be different? I’m supposed to trust him, he says, to follow through this time. This time will be different, he says.

I haven’t heard from J since Sunday. He usually doesn’t email on Monday but always has on Tuesday before. (Oh, I have a history of a whole three weeks and am drawing conclusions from that?!? Ha!) I thought for sure that he would respond in some way yesterday to my emails from Sunday afternoon and Monday morning. Maybe he is thinking it over. Maybe he’s tired of me going on and on and on and figures if he doesn’t respond I’ll finally shut up and go away. Maybe he and T are getting back together. Maybe I should just stop obsessing over all this and get back to real life. Even I am getting sick of hearing about it.

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