Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Shit Hits Fan

Friday afternoon I received the following email:


I received your phone message, and was kind of confused about the areas you wanted to talk to me about. Your email is kind of confusing too. I certainly do not want to stand in the way of a marriage being worked out, because I have told you if I could patch things up on my end I would. Does that say that I don't want you at all, or ever? No! I, in a way, felt bad about that day because I felt I was doing wrong where you and T were both concerned. Does that make sense? Is it wrong to say that we both definitely need to lose alot of weight? Did it seem kind of awkward to you? Does it mean it was lousy? NOT AT ALL! I actually enjoyed it. I didn't roll over on top of you again because I didn't. I know I didn't want to lead you on, because you know where my heart is at the moment. I can't say what I will want to do if things don't work out on my end. I know that in the mean time, if you were still game, I would see what you mean by your "more fun" statement. I just don't have a place or the money for a place to go. But if you do, and still want to, then I will meet you again and you can show me. Maybe, we won't be as timid and sort of shy about things. Of course, I know why we were. I thought it was kind of ironic that you seemed to be more than I was.
Well, anyway I thought I would try to answer your email as best I could. Talk to you later!


Moments later he sent this email:

Sorry for some of that. I hope none of that was out of line. Anyway, the reason I haven't called is not because I didn't want to talk to you. It is because I am in danger of blowing my minutes out of the water on my cellphone. As long as I have 4 people on my plan, I have to kind of watch that. Anyway, I will talk to you later.

I started to write a response, but I didn't have time to do so before my therapist appointment, and W came into our home office while I was reading the second message. So I logged off and went to therapy where I talked about the turmoil in my head over this whole situation. I cried a lot when the therapist suggested that I am frustrated from sacrificing my wants for the wants of others. She is right. I am damned tired of doing and doing and doing for others and not receiving back from them what I need or want. I was agitated when I went home. With N at my parent's for the weekend, W and I were going to go out for dinner. As we drove to the restaurant I started talking about things that I had talked about in therapy. I don't remember exactly what I said, but at some point I said something that made W ask me if I was still in contact with J. I didn't reply immediately. I was trying to think of what the best thing to say was when W said, "I'll take that silence as a yes." It went downhill from there. We sat in the car in the restaurant parking lot talking, crying, fighting. Eventually, it became clear we weren't going to be able to go in and eat so we drove home in stony silence. When we got home, W said he would pack a bag and leave. I said no, it is my fault so I will leave. We went inside. I went down to our bedroom and laid on the bed crying. Eventually, I got up and started to think about what I needed to pack. I went out in the kitchen, and W started in on me to stay for N's sake, telling me that N didn't deserve this. He is innocent, and yet he is the one that will be most hurt by it. Of course, I know that. W made it clear to me that if I left, I would have to explain to N why I left, that it was my fault. He also made it clear that he would fight for custody of N and would try to find J's wife to let her know what was going on in an effort to ruin any chance he had to get back with her. I agreed not to leave yet, and to further discuss things the next day (it was getting quite late on Friday night).

I slept very little that night. I thought about all that had been said. I thought about the extreme pain I saw in W's eyes as he told me how I was the love of his life, and he couldn't let me go. I thought about N, an innocent little boy, my little boy, who would be so hurt without both a mom and a dad. I thought about J, who wants more than anything to reconcile with his wife, who does not want a long-term relationship with me but just some good times. I came to a decision around 5:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. I would stay with W and try to make this marriage work. I would give J up completely because I know that I cannot continue to have my fantasies that J will be with me, and as long as we continue to have contact I will continue to have hope that one day, some day we will be together. I called J on his cell phone and left a message telling him that I needed to talk to him, face to face if possible, at a place an time of his chosing. When W got up, I told him of my decision and also that I was going to say goodbye to J in person, and that was nonnegotiable. I offered to let W go along with me if he wanted. He said he had to go with me because he didn't trust that I would come back if he didn't. J called around 9:45 that morning as I was driving home after working out at the YMCA. I told him I had to talk to him in person and wanted him to name the time and place and I would be there. I added that it had to be a public place. He thought for a moment and suggested we meet at the same time and place as our first meeting - the mall at 12:30 that afternoon. I agreed. When I got home, I told W about the meeting and went to take a shower.

The 45 minute drive to the mall was a solemn one. Neither W nor I said very much at all. At one point I asked him how he envisioned his role here. Did he want to observe from a distance or be next to me the entire time? Did he want me to introduce J to him? He did not wish to do any more than observe from a distance which was a relief to me. I really wanted to be able to talk to J without W listening in because I knew that the things I had to say would hurt W, or I would be unable to be completely honest while talking to J.

J and I talked for almost 3 hours on Saturday afternoon, sitting on a bench in the middle of a busy mall. I can only imagine what passersby must have thought of us as I often had tears in my eyes as we talked. When J arrived I told him that the reason we were there was to say goodbye to one another, that my agreement with W was to say goodbye to J in exchange for keeping my marriage, keeping my son, and keeping W from talking to J's wife and interfering in their relationship. I also told him that W was there at the mall with me but some distance away. I was visibly shaking when I told him all this, and J said to me "This isn't really what you want is it?" "No," I replied, "but I can't lose my little boy, and I can't let him interfere in your marriage so this is what I have to do." I explained to J that W now has the password to my email account and will be checking regularly to make sure I'm not in contact with J, and that he will also be checking my cell phone records to make sure there are no calls between J and me. All it would have taken was one statement from J, one simple thing to change everything, but it didn't happen. J again told me that although he loves me, he loves T more, that if she were to let him back into their home he'd go in a heartbeat, that he'd been honest with me about that from the start. He's right. He has. My fantasies are what I had clung to for the past few weeks, and I knew they were nothing but fantasies. Several times, J and I tried to end the conversation, to say goodbye, to leave, but neither of us did. Eventually, I said to him, "You don't want this afternoon to end any more than I do, do you?" "No," he said. Finally, some 3 hours after we started our conversation, J got up and gave me a hug and a quick kiss. I told him "I love you," and he said "I love you, too," and he walked away. I got out my cell phone and called W to tell him I was ready to go home. I looked up as I hung up the phone and saw J standing down the hall, looking back at me, looking terribly sad. W walked up and when I looked back J was gone from sight.

W and I drove home.

There will be no "happily ever after" in this story.

1 comment:

Stinkypaw said...

Don't think that way - maybe the fact that you can no longer hold on to dreams (that weren't really yours to start with, since J wasn't), your fantasies no longer will have hold of you.

You need to see this as the real new begining that you talked about with W. Your confusion (or ideas) of being in love with J might have been only ideas, maybe you're in love with the want to be in love, to be loved. You said you were craving love, and attention, so J. gave you what you needed, even if it wasn't to the full extent of what you wanted.

You probably lost W's trust, but I think this is the kick you needed to get over J (even if you might think that you'll always love him...) He's now part of your past, leave him there.

Look at your life, your son's life, it's ahead of him just like yours, not back. The future holds what you put into it, so invest and it might get better, slowly... A while ago I had written you saying somehting like if you're going to do something go for it - now it the time to do this - charge but nost of all YOU have to let J go... completely and devout yourself to your family and yourself, of course.

Take care =^..^=