Thanks for yesterday. In spite of being incredibly nervous beforehand, I thoroughly enjoyed our afternoon together. I am sorry we couldn't find anyplace more private to spend the afternoon. Perhaps we can do better next time.
I made good time getting home and arrived around 8:45. I think W suspects something because he has really pushed me for details about where I went shopping, where I had lunch and dinner, and so forth. I came close this morning to reminding him about the "Don't ask, don't tell" rule, but that would surely tip my hand so I just keep making up lie after lie about all the stores I went to, how frustrating it was not to find much that I wanted to buy, blah, blah, blah. I swear if he asks one more time, I may crack and just tell him the entire truth. No I won't, but I am getting tired of all the questions.
Hope you made it home okay.
Mid-afternoon I received this email:
Yeah, I made it to my mother's house alright. This morning I went to church, and of course she came to my office. She invited me to lunch and to mmmm. We talked for an hour but I don't know how far I am getting. She says I am not getting very far but then she still wants to come around to talk more. I am just so confused by things. Life has got a big hold on me and I don't have a clue on what to do. Yesterday, I had fun. Catching up all these years was nice. Hope things go well on your end. Take care...
So I sent this reply back about an hour later:
You wrote, "I am just so confused by things. Life has got a big hold on me and I don't have a clue on what to do." It is truly not my intention to add to your confusion, but I imagine that I probably have. I don't know if any of this will help clarify anything for you, but here is my position on various aspects of this whole mess:
1) I think your family deserves your best effort at putting it back together, as does mine in keeping mine together.
2) W has agreed to go to marriage counselling in an effort to make things better.
3) Stupid as this may sound, I find myself being incredibly jealous whenever you write or talk about T.
4) In spite of what I said in #1 & #2, at this moment I want to run screaming from this marriage and see what could happen between you and me.
5) Rereading what I've just written, I realize I'm just as confused, or maybe more so, than you are.
Okay, I'm sure this didn't help your confusion at all, probably made it worse. Sorry.
TrueselfLast night, W and I talked. I 'fessed up to (almost) everything that happened on Saturday. We both cried.
This morning I emailed J to tell him what happened:
Last night I cracked. I told W all about Saturday. (Actually, in the version I told him, there was more talking, less kissing.) He told me that he has suspected for years that this would happen at some point. That really, really surprised me.
He offered to step aside so I can have you if that is what I want, or to work on the marriage if that is what I want. I told him that I honestly don't know what I want right now.
I don't know where to go from here. Man, who knew life was going to be this complicated?