Monday, May 01, 2006

More Emails

Yesterday morning me to J:

J,

Thanks for yesterday. In spite of being incredibly nervous beforehand, I thoroughly enjoyed our afternoon together. I am sorry we couldn't find anyplace more private to spend the afternoon. Perhaps we can do better next time.

I made good time getting home and arrived around 8:45. I think W suspects something because he has really pushed me for details about where I went shopping, where I had lunch and dinner, and so forth. I came close this morning to reminding him about the "Don't ask, don't tell" rule, but that would surely tip my hand so I just keep making up lie after lie about all the stores I went to, how frustrating it was not to find much that I wanted to buy, blah, blah, blah. I swear if he asks one more time, I may crack and just tell him the entire truth. No I won't, but I am getting tired of all the questions.

Hope you made it home okay.

Love,
Trueself


Mid-afternoon I received this email:

Trueself,
Yeah, I made it to my mother's house alright. This morning I went to church, and of course she came to my office. She invited me to lunch and to mmmm. We talked for an hour but I don't know how far I am getting. She says I am not getting very far but then she still wants to come around to talk more. I am just so confused by things. Life has got a big hold on me and I don't have a clue on what to do. Yesterday, I had fun. Catching up all these years was nice. Hope things go well on your end. Take care...


Love,
J

So I sent this reply back about an hour later:


J,

You wrote, "I am just so confused by things. Life has got a big hold on me and I don't have a clue on what to do." It is truly not my intention to add to your confusion, but I imagine that I probably have. I don't know if any of this will help clarify anything for you, but here is my position on various aspects of this whole mess:

1) I think your family deserves your best effort at putting it back together, as does mine in keeping mine together.
2) W has agreed to go to marriage counselling in an effort to make things better.
3) Stupid as this may sound, I find myself being incredibly jealous whenever you write or talk about T.
4) In spite of what I said in #1 & #2, at this moment I want to run screaming from this marriage and see what could happen between you and me.
5) Rereading what I've just written, I realize I'm just as confused, or maybe more so, than you are.

Okay, I'm sure this didn't help your confusion at all, probably made it worse. Sorry.

Love,

Trueself

Last night, W and I talked. I 'fessed up to (almost) everything that happened on Saturday. We both cried.

This morning I emailed J to tell him what happened:

J,

Last night I cracked. I told W all about Saturday. (Actually, in the version I told him, there was more talking, less kissing.) He told me that he has suspected for years that this would happen at some point. That really, really surprised me.

He offered to step aside so I can have you if that is what I want, or to work on the marriage if that is what I want. I told him that I honestly don't know what I want right now.

I don't know where to go from here. Man, who knew life was going to be this complicated?

Love,
Trueself

4 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

Can I ask you one question?
When you wrote "J and I both agreed that we both owe it to our current families to try to make those marriages work. We agreed that neither of us would interfere with the efforts of the other to do that." did you guys really believe that? How can you say that you are truly giving it a chance to work when all you do is based on lies? If J.'s wife really had him served divorce papers, why are they still trying to work it out? If you fell out of love with your husband, why are you considering counselling?

I don't get that... I really don't.

I know for having grown up in a family where my mother stayed because it was "better to have an intact family" that at times I wish she would have had the gutts to leave my dad. She says that she loved him, but it's not really your case. Your child will know, he will feel that things aren't right with you and his dad, even if you pretend, 'cause let's be honest here, that's what you'll be doing since your heart is already with J.

When you write: "at this moment I want to run screaming from this marriage and see what could happen between you and me." that says it all, no?

You need to get out of this land of confusion that you are getting in deeper and deeper with your lies. If one thing, be honest with YOUR true self.

...sorry it was more than one question.

trueself said...

stinkypaw,

You are becoming my conscience. (That's a compliment, btw.) Every time you post, you hit me in the gut with something that is so obvious, so true, yet something that I am trying to deny or ignore.

The truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid to let go of W unless I know that J is waiting for me, and as of right now I do NOT know that. J told me that he still wants to work on his marriage. He did not leave T. T kicked him out. He is trying to do what is best for their kids (his 3 plus her 2) by trying to put things back together with her. I think she is as confused as anybody since she keeps telling him she wants to talk things through yet served papers anyway.

I know that I should go ahead and deal with my marital problems. W has asked me to stay and work on things. He has promised that things will be better. He has shown me more attention over the last day than in the last year. If it were like this all along, I wouldn't want to leave (maybe. . . I still have it bad for J). However, I also wonder how long this renewed attention will last. Just long enough for me to say okay, I'll stay? I know that I should be stronger, but I am weak. Staying in a marriage with W is better than not being with anyone. I am a coward. I am afraid that if I leave W and somehow J does work things out with T, then I'm left out in the cold, all alone.

Stinkypaw said...

Don't you think you would be better off alone and get yourself back together, than be with someone and be miserable?

What are you TRULY afraid of? Being alone? You are in your current marriage, no? What is so bad with being alone? The fact that you might not have any other choice than to face your true self?

Both you and J. are playing a game, a very confused and hurtful game, but most of all neither of you are being truly honest. If either of you REALLY wanted to work on your current marriage, you wouldn't be e-mailing, meeting, talking, kissing, etc. You would be with your family trying to figure something out. If you think you want to give W. a chance than be with him, completely. No half-ass thing. That's not fair for anybody involved.

I think it's time for you to sit down, by yourself, and seriously think about what it is you want and why. Be selfish, be horny, be motherly, be everything you wish, but most of all be honest and truthful.
...that might help.

trueself said...

You're right. You're right. I know you're right.

You are one tough conscience.

Keep it up. I need it.