Monday, May 08, 2006

I was Wrong, Still Posting Here

Well, for pity sakes, I can't seem to let go of this. I'm losing my mind, and in the process, I'm probably going to lose both J and W.

On Friday, which was a very tough day for me, I was back in the depths of the black hole (my way of referring to my clinical depression). I was pretty convinced that I was going to drive away somewhere, anywhere, for the weekend. I just wanted to get away and be by myself. Then I thought, well, if I'm going to just disappear for the weekend why not invite J to join me? At least we can have one night together. I know, I know, makes no sense, but I wasn't thinking very clearly at the time. So I called J on his cell phone late afternoon on Friday. I knew he would still be at work so I thought he wouldn't pick up and I could just leave him a message. On the fourth ring, he picked up. I hung up, panic stricken. Later, as soon as he got off work, he called my cell phone. When it rang I knew it was probably him. I looked at the display and it was. I didn't answer. He left a voicemail sounding kind of angry that I had called and hung up. I couldn't call back as I was at home, and W was there, and I didn't want him to know what idiocy his wife was up to. I thought I would call later when I went to my appointment to see my therapist, but I couldn't get up the nerve. I did have a bag all packed and in my car with clothes and things for the weekend. I was still debating just taking off for somewhere. Somehow, somewhere deep inside of me, there is a responsible person, and I knew that although I didn't so much care if I hurt W, I really don't want to hurt N, my son, if I can help it. So I went home after therapy instead of on some wild weekend of freedom.

Saturday was a nightmare of a day. I wanted so badly to be away, away from W, away from N, away from my own internal demons. I picked a fight with W. Fortunately, N was down the street at a friend's house. W and I argued. I admitted to him that I never got over J, that I was never 100% sure that I made the right decision so long ago. We discussed separating, but W was on to me and pushed hard against it. He knows that if we separate I am going to spend more time trying to develop a relationship with J than in trying to repair our marriage. I never agreed to stay, but I also let the separation topic drop. Also, W realized that in order to keep me around he's going to have to keep me on a short leash as I was honest enough to tell him that I am having trouble staying away from J.

Yesterday I got this email from J:

Hi Trueself.
I don't have a lot of time right now to answer your last e mail but I will ask you why you called me Friday, then hung up. I tried to answer then I tried calling you back. I will talk to you later.

So I emailed back:


The only answer I have is temporary insanity. I was seriously considering taking off and just going away for the weekend and was calling to find out if you would meet me somewhere. Then I chickened out. Then W asked why you called (when you called back I couldn't answer because he was right there with me) and why I had your number saved in my cell phone. [This didn't actually happen, but I was covering my butt for why I hadn't called back.] Apparently even though he said earlier that he wouldn't mind if I stayed in touch with you, he actually does mind. [Well, that part is true based on our Saturday fight.] The rest of the weekend has been hell. The only reason I even got to check my email right now is because W fell asleep a little while ago. [Again, this is true. W was really keeping a close eye on me every time I got close to the computer.]

I'm very sorry I bothered you on Friday. It was stupid and won't happen again. [At least, I hope it won't happen again. I don't want to scare J away from me.]


I realize that I am being very manipulative here with both J and W. I am trying to make W sound worse than he is to J so that J will want to rescue me. I am leading W on by insisting that I am trying to make our marriage work when I am actually trying to find a way out that doesn't require me to be the courageous one. I am trying to have it all, and in the process, I'm afraid I'll lose it all. I am playing very, very dangerous games here, and I've simply got to find a way to stop it.

Unfortunately, all I can think about now is when will J contact me again, and what will he say?

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