Friday, May 19, 2006

Weekend Agenda

Surprisingly, I've been in a really good mood the last couple of days.

All seems to be well, for now at least. W is buying the explanation that he and/or I have had this STD for a long, long time, and that symptoms just now surfaced. J hasn't been in touch with me so I'm assuming all is well with him and don't expect to hear anything more until he has test results back. My test results should be back today, but I may not get them until Monday because W and I are leaving early for a weekend away.

I am ambivalent about this weekend. On one hand, it is great that W is making so much effort to put this marriage back together. On the other hand, I find myself now cold and unmoved by his efforts. Maybe unmoved isn't quite right, barely moved is more like it. So what will we accomplish this weekend? Can we reconnect and fall in love again? I don't know. Thoughts of J keep getting in my way. As I've said before I feel like I've already checked out of this marriage, just haven't made the physical move yet.

Also, my therapist pointed out today that in some ways, many ways actually, W and I have developed more of a parent-child relationship than a marital one. I suppose this is one of the dangers of me being with a much older man. I have felt this for a while. I know last Saturday I was thinking as I drove home that it felt very much the same as when I used to sneak out as a teenager to spend time with my boyfriend. Only now I'm sneaking around behind W's back, not my parents, and could cause way more relationship fallout than I ever could have as a teen.

I guess my agenda for this weekend is to see if I can get clarity on what direction I want to go from here. Do I want to devote myself to mending my marriage? (So hard if it has to include giving up J which I'm pretty sure I would have to do to really do this right) Or do I want to leave the marriage and deal with the fallout? Is there a middle ground? I don't think so. I don't think that I want to, or should, continue things as they are, with one foot in and one foot out, but coward that I am that's what I've done so far. Aargh, I hate being a grownup and having to make grownup decisions.

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