It is over. This morning I sent the following email:
J,
It’s been a really rough few days at my house. W and I have been through a lot of discussions. I just want to share with you where I am right now in my head and my heart. Then I will leave you alone if that is your choice.
W very badly wants our marriage to work. He has bent over backwards the last few days trying. Staying with W can’t be worse than it has been for the last 3 to 4 years, and if he really follows through with things he is promising me, it may get better.
On the other hand, seeing you last weekend did not help me “get over” you (which is what I thought would happen), but made me fall more deeply in love with you. You have my heart. I will continue to hope that someday you will be at a place where you and I can be together. Until (unless) I hear from you that you want that too, and are ready for that, I will stay with W and make the best of things for N’s sake. But if you do get to a point, whether it is tomorrow or ten years from now, that you want to try to make something out of you and me as a couple, let me know. I do not want to lose the chance for us to be together if we can be no matter when it is.
That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. W has told me he doesn’t mind if we stay in touch via email and phone so please stay in touch when you can. I don’t want to lose you entirely for another 20 years.
Love,
Trueself
So that's it. I don't expect to hear back from J for a while. I expect that he and T will work things out and continue their marriage, and that W and I will continue ours.
The moral of this entire story I believe is be very, very careful when you make decisions that may impact you for the remainder of your life. I made some very bad decisions 20+ years ago, and I am still living with them today.
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2 comments:
Dear Trueself,
I know that we don't know each other, but if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, don't be shy and contact me. I'll gladly give you that "punch in the gutt" (to use one of your expression) you sometime need or simply listen to you. It is a sad day for you, I can read it through your post. It sadden me to see that you are making a choice based on fear alone... maybe time will make you stronger and you'll decide to do what is best. Like I've said before if you TRULY want to give your husband, your marriage, your family a chance then you have to move on and be in it totally. You can not be there thinking of J. that would be wrong for all parties involved, including you. Whatever you do, do it to the fullest - in order to grow we must learn from our mistakes.
Don't give up on being happy, there are many good years still ahead of you, if YOU choose to...
Take care & hope to hear from you.
Read this -- not horrified -- been through some of this myself -- will continue to be your friend -- no worries, you hear? :) Keep me posted, dear.
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