Monday, May 15, 2006

We Did IT!

After my email to J on Thursday, he called me on Friday evening on my cell phone. I had carried my cell phone with me every second that evening in hopes he would call, but when he did, I had left it in another room and didn’t hear it ring. Didn’t notice I had missed a call until I was getting ready for bed at almost midnight. Decided it was too late to call him back. Besides, it would be very hard to explain to W what phone call I might need to make at that time.

I didn’t sleep well Friday night, and woke up around 3:00 a.m. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t so I finally got up and watched some TV, played some games on the PC, tried to wait until a decent hour to call J. At 8:00 I tried to call him, but got voicemail and left a message. After trading a couple more messages, we finally connected around 11:00 that morning. We talked for more than half an hour. J told me exactly where he stands on everything. He loves me, but he also loves his wife. He says he is busting his ass trying to patch things up with her (I did point out to him later in the day that his involvement with me kind of contradicts that), and she is considering letting him move back in. He wants for their marriage to survive more than anything. As much as I didn’t like hearing that, at least I know and knowing is good. He also said that, in the meantime, he would really like to hook up with me, that he knows that it sounds like he is trying to have his cake and eat it to, that he is just using me. I said to him that maybe I was just using him too, that although I’ve said over and over I’m leaving W, I haven’t left yet and that W is making a lot of effort to try and keep me. J told me that I could call him anytime and ask him to meet me somewhere private, and he would. (It is interesting to me that he and I always talk in euphemisms, never going so far as to say anything blunt about what we were about to do. Although now that I think about it, I do think at one point in the conversation J did say that he would like to make love to me.) I told him that if I could figure out a way to do it I would, but I wasn’t sure I could figure out a way. We hung up. I stewed, I thought, I looked up motels about midway between where we live. I called W, who was at N’s baseball game, and told him I was upset by J’s call, that J and I had been very hateful to one another on the phone, that he no longer had to worry about J because it was all very much over (ooooh, the lies, the lies). I told him I wasn’t going to make it to the game because I needed to have a good cry. I called a motel that I had found, made a reservation, and took a deep breath. I called J and asked him how long it would take him to get to yyyyyyy. He said about an hour and a half. I asked J if he would meet me there. “When?” he asked. “Now,” I said. “Okay,” he said. I told him I would be there before he would and call him with an exact location after I got checked in. We hung up, and I took another deep breath.

I wrote W a note that said “Went for a drive. Need to think. Don’t want N to see me this upset.” I taped it to the door to the house where I knew he would see it. It was now about 1:00 in the afternoon. By 2:00 I was checking in at the motel, having stopped on the way at a drugstore to buy a toothbrush, toothpaste, razor and shaving cream. I needed fresh breath and smooth legs for this adventure and had left the house without thinking of these things. I was a bit taken aback when, I guess because I was paying cash, the motel clerk asked for my driver’s license and made a copy of it. Hmmm, so much for having given the fake address when I made the reservation. I went up to the room, and called J. I told him where I was and the room number and told him he better show up and not chicken out. He said he’d be there. Then I went in the bathroom, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth, put on a little makeup, tried to make my hair look presentable. Then I waited. I waited for what seemed to be the longest time but was probably about 20 minutes. I turned on the TV, but there isn’t anything good on TV on Saturday afternoon. I finally settled on MSNBC just for background noise. I paced. I got the Bible that the Gideons so kindly placed in the room, and I read Exodus 20. Yep, just as I suspected. “Thou shalt not commit adultery” was still there. I thought so. I put the Bible back. I paced some more. I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to breathe normally instead of the quick shallow breaths I seemed to be taking.

There was a knock at the door, a very quiet knock. I got up and looked through the peephole. J was there, kind of pacing in front of the door. I opened the door, and he came in. We greeted one another with nervous smiles. I don’t remember what we said to one another when he first arrived. It’s just all lost in the jumble of emotions I was feeling at that time – a supercharged combo of nervousness, fear, excitement, anticipation, love, and lust.

I sat on the bed. He sat down on the other bed facing me. We talked. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. I told him that I had thought about all he’d said on the phone earlier, that I had had to think it over and decide if I was okay with all of it, and I had decided that I am. I told him that if I was going to have an affair I would rather have one with someone I love than with someone I just picked up somewhere. He moved over to the bed I was on, and we got down to business.

I would like to say there were fireworks, that the earth moved, that birds sang. Ah, but that would not be the truth. The truth is we were somewhat awkward, as sex often is the first time with someone. Having been celibate for the last year, I was also out of practice, and I was nervous and rather inhibited. Don’t get me wrong, though. It was good. It was very good in an I-haven’t-done-this-forever-and-am-desperate-for-it kind of way. Just before penetration, J stopped and asked if I was absolutely sure because there would be no going back from here. I said a simple yes, and we went beyond the point of no return. Afterward, we laid there, legs intertwined and talked. We talked about everything and nothing. After a while, we resumed for act two.

In my opinion, the afternoon was over too soon, but I knew I had to get home in a reasonable amount of time or my “out for a drive” story was going to lose its credibility. I got up and took a quick shower to hopefully eliminate any evidence of our indiscretion. When I got out, J was almost dressed. As I dressed, he kissed me goodbye and left. It was a bit more abrupt than I would have liked, but I understand J not wanting to drag out the goodbyes. So I said “See ya’” as nonchalantly as I could as he went out the door. I finished dressing, and went home, arriving shortly after 5:00. I’d been gone about 4 hours. My “drive” served as a good cover story, and W bought it completely.

Am I completely happy with how things are going? No, I would love to have J completely, but I’m satisfied with what I have for now. As long as we are both honest with each other about what we’re doing and what we want out of it, I am happy to continue the relationship at this level. As a matter of fact, I’ve been in a better frame of mind since Saturday afternoon than I have in a long, long time. Life’s not too bad right now. . .for a change.

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