Friday, May 26, 2006

More emails again

Last week I couldn't resist being stupid again and sent this on Wednesday


I know this is absolutely none of my business, and you didn’t ask for my opinion on this so if you don’t want my opinion then just delete this email. I almost said something to you about this on Saturday, but I held my tongue. Now, it’s bugging me that I didn’t say anything so here goes.

Here is my take on your marriage just based on things you’ve said to me so granted I don’t know the whole story. It seems to me that you are just asking for trouble by going back. Here are some hard questions you really should answer before you decide you definitely want to go back:

Do you think that T’s son will try to cause trouble for you if you move back in? Do you want to risk it?
Do you think that if T takes you back you will be constantly on the verge of being kicked out again if you make one wrong move? Do you want to risk that?
Do you really want to be in a marriage where you’ve given virtually all the power over to your spouse? Trust me, it is not good to be in a relationship where the balance of power is not fairly even.
Are you, T and her kids in family counseling? If so, good. If not, why not? And why would you go back with so much tension still looming if there is not an ongoing effort to make things better via counseling?
You said you’d been out of the house since February which is about three months, but you also said you hadn’t had sex in about six months. This makes it sound like there are bigger problems that finally led to the break in February. Have you resolved all the issues you guys were having before you moved out? Do you want to move back in if they are still unresolved?

I admit I am probably not the most unbiased person, but I have really tried to keep my personal desires out of this advice. Based on what you’ve told me, I would advise anyone in your situation the same way. I hate to see you get hurt which obviously you already have, and my fear is that going back is just going to prolong the hurt rather than heal it. Then again, with my marriage way out in the ditch I’m probably the last person in the world to give relationship advice. I do hope you’ll think about the questions above, if you haven’t already, before you make that final decision about getting back together with T but know that I will respect whatever the outcome is.


After that, I actually behaved myself for a while and let things go. Never heard back from J so I was determined to have no further contact until I had test results that I had promised to share with him.

However, I couldn't resist and this Wednesday sent this:


Even though I was supposed to have test results on Friday, I wasn't too surprised that I didn't get them because W and I left early in the afternoon for our long weekend away. I was surprised though that I didn't get them Monday, and by the time I tried to call the office was already closed. (I thought they closed at 5:00, but it's actually 4:30.) So I called yesterday and found out that the results were still not in, and they promised to call as soon as they received them. I called again late this morning (I was getting kind of antsy), and they promised they would call back within two hours. It has been over 3 hours and still no call.

Here's my dilemma. Now that W and I finished our antibiotics, he wants to do certain things. I'm afraid to do anything until I know for sure how the test results turn out, but he thinks it is no big deal since obviously (he thinks) anything we have, we would both have. I, on the other hand, am still nervous that possibly, just possibly, I could have something he doesn't have, but I can't tell him that. Did you get tested for everything we did, and do you have any test results back yet? If you are clean then I wouldn't have to worry even though I haven't gotten my test results. Geez, it's really hard to keep coming up with excuses not to do things when I've been the one complaining for so long about the lack of activity. Please let me know ASAP whether or not you have test results yet. You can email me, or you can call me anytime before 7:00 p.m. tonight (Wed.) or before 9:00 p.m. tomorrow (Thurs.).

I will let you know my test results as soon as I have them, whenever that is.


I was really hoping to hear back from J on Wednesday, but I didn't. W and I did things that night that were risky given that I didn't have test results, but I ran out of excuses. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the tests all came back negative yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon I sent the following email:


Just wanted you to know that all blood tests came back negative -- no chlamydia, no syphilis, no HIV. All my worries yesterday were for nothing.


Yesterday evening I was pleasantly surprised to get this email from J:

Hi Trueself,
Is it safe to send this? Anyway, I have everything back except the big test. I am negative on all counts. Is that not wonderful? for the any real ideas??? Well, anyway, so you are going to start trying with him? Just asking. You asking me about my plight with you know who was definitely biased. Of course, we both know that.

Where are you at in all of this? What did you mean by " I can and will be more fun next time..."? Also you said that we will have to meet on an occasional Saturday at least until things are settled in some areas. Anyway, I'd discuss this more but the Library is kicking me out. We will talk more later.

I quickly, maybe too quickly without enough thought, sent this email back:

Geez, what a lot of questions!
It's always safe to send me email. I check it from work and only at home when I'm by myself.
Yes, it is wonderful that all came back negative.
As for the source, I don't know. What I know is that I have only been with W since 1990 except for the Saturday with you. W swears that he hasn't been with anyone else since 1990 either. So I just don't know. At least on the surface he is accepting that he and I must have had it for a long, long time and just didn't know it. I don't know, and I don't really know if I believe that he has been faithful for that long.
Does it matter to you whether I start trying with him? He has definitely been trying to patch things up lately, and we had a very nice weekend last weekend. I guess if I can't have you then I might as well make the best of things here.
Where am I at in all of this? Confused, that's where. More in love with you than I expected to be. More frustrated with you than I expected to be. I still stand by my statement that you have my heart, and if you ever decide that you'd like to try having a real relationship with me (as opposed to an occasional good time) you just say the word, and I'm there. I don't expect that we could pick up where we left off so long ago, but I would certainly be willing to date, to get reacquainted, to see if there is anything there to work towards something more permanent. And yes, if you were offering that, I would definitely end this marriage in order to do so. Unfortunately, I am just a coward about ending the marriage if I'm almost certain to have nobody at all.
What did I mean about being more fun? Try me and find out!!
I would love to talk more to you about this anytime that I can, but finding time when he isn't listening in isn't easy. Also, I remember you said your kids would be around for a while so that might make it difficult on your end too. The best time to call me would be when I go over to the YMCA to work out which would be most weekdays right after work until about 6:30 p.m. I just walk the track and always carry my cell phone with me so I can be interrupted.
Well, I have to go. I have an athletic association meeting I have to go to. I'm treasurer so I have to be there to give the financial report.
Hope to hear from you soon.



Okay, so after the meeting last night I tried to call J, but only got his voicemail. I do want to further discuss things like why does he want to know if W and I are going to try to fix the marriage if he isn't offering me anything better, does he still want to have occasional afternoons together or not, and what is he seeing for the future? I left J a message asking him to call me today if he can. We'll see what happens.


Stinkypaw said...

Poor Trueself, I really feel for you... I have question that keeps nagging at me, because I really, don't understand something: Why are you so afraid to be alone? What is it about being by yourself that scares you so much? Do you know?

trueself said...

Well, gosh, it's not usually something I talk about because it is one of my biggest internal demons, but heck if I'm baring all here I might as well go for it.

I find that I cannot function well by myself because I am incredibly shy. . . as in extremely shy. . . as in I will do almost anything to get out of having to talk to people. This has a very, very hampering effect on one's life. I count on W to do lots of things for me that I find difficult, such as calling to make appointments, taking the car in for service, dropping off the dry cleaning, etc. Just about anything that requires me to talk to somebody I don't know well is something I leave for him to do. I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I had to handle these types of encounters, even though I know most people do it every day with little to no thought.

That is why I am so afraid to be alone.