Rattled

Something happened today that really rattled me. It rattled me right to the core of my being.

I was reading a blog and learned that another blogger had died. The author of the blog I was reading had learned of the death the other blogger only because the mother of the one who died was aware of the blog, found certain email addresses of commenters and sent an email informing them of the death. This is a blog that I frequent in my other, more vanilla, persona, not one that the readers of this blog are likely to read also so I hesitate to name blogs here for fear that I spread to much info about my identity.

Many thoughts sprang from reading about this. I will share them here without regard for coherency, or grammar, or flow. Just random thoughts because that is all I can manage for right now.

I read several blogs that have fallen dormant for many months. I have no idea who the bloggers are in real life, no idea if they have chosen to stop blogging, or have died, or have had some other fate befall them. I care about these people to the extent that I have read what part of themselves they’ve chosen to share. I feel a bond. I feel a loss when they stop blogging. I will probably never know what happened to them when the blog entries stopped unless they are indeed well or become well in the future and resume posting. I don’t even know who these people are, can’t track them down, and in many cases nobody would even know I had been reading the blog as I comment on a much smaller number than I read. In the case of some blogs, others close to the blogger may be aware of the blog and may be able to post a final entry in case of a death or major illness/injury. In many cases, though, at least with the blogs I tend to read there is a secrecy around the blog. Only the author knows the author’s identity. Spouses, friends, relatives are completely unaware of the blog’s existence. So if the blogger steps off the curb in front of a bus, the bus manages to stop in time, the blogger continues on his way only to fall in the open manhole on the street and die from head injuries when he falls, I will never know it. I will only know that the blog has gone dormant. I am sad that I will never have some form of closure there.

As a blogger of a secret anonymous blog, how will any of my readers ever know if some ill fate befalls me? I am the sole possesser of my user name and password. I keep this information only in my head to protect it from being found out. I also have several email accounts that, for one reason or another, I use for a limited purpose and so aren’t widely known as mine to those close to me. Again I am the keeper of the password in my head only. What would become of these accounts should I die, and how would those who correspond with me through them ever know of my fate? This is something I now feel compelled to address and determine a way to leave information behind so that information can be put out in case of something happening to me. I just have to figure out the right way to do it.

The biggest issue this brought to my mind is my relationship with BJ. What if something happened to BJ? How would I know? I wouldn’t. I would simply stop receiving emails and phone calls. His blog would fall silent. Here I would be without a good way to find out what happened. Oh sure. I’ve got his cell phone number and his work information. I suppose I could call at his workplace and ask for him under the guise of being a vendor or whatnot. That would at least give me some level of information. But as the secret lover, the other woman, I would have no way to attend his funeral if he were to die, or to be at his side if he were hospitalized for any reason. I would have no right to intrude on any of that and cause disruption to his real family, and I would not even consider doing so. Likewise, if something happened to me I would so want BJ to know. Yet how could he? Ah, this is but one of many perils of a clandestine relationship.

Today I am sad. Sad that someone died that I didn’t even know, yet in some ways knew so very well. Sad that I have no clear way to mourn nor send condolences. Sad with the realization that BJ and I can’t be there for each other at the times when loved ones most want and need to be there for each other. It makes me more determined than ever to extricate me from my current situation so that there is less need to be clandestine, so that my life is more of an open book, so that I am not lurking in shadows and living half-existences and double and sometimes triple lives.

Blah, this has taken a lot out of me. I’m exhausted right now. I simply can’t think about it anymore right now. Back to real life. . .