Monday, October 16, 2006

So What's Up with BJ and Me?

BJ and I are in love. Not only that, I like BJ a great deal.

I really think for a relationship to work you have to have both elements. It is important to like the other person as a person, to like their character, to appreciate how they handle life, to have respect for them. I know that I can love someone without liking them much. J would be a good example of that. I do still love J and probably always will, but I don’t like a whole lot about him. For that reason, he and I are not a good match. I will also always love W but just don’t like the angry old man that he has become.

On the other hand, with BJ there is a whole lot to like. BJ is kind, gentle, caring, concerned about my happiness, courteous. On the other hand, BJ is passionate, adventurous and a real “bad boy” in the bedroom. To me, that is the perfect combination of traits. For anyone who thinks little things don’t matter, I’ll tell you that some of the things that have impressed me most are little things.
*Like opening the car door for me.
*Like holding my hand when we walk together.
*Like looking me in the eye when I talk.
*Like just letting me cry when I need to cry.
*Like being concerned enough about different preferences to want to work on an acceptable compromise rather than having an all or nothing attitude.
Okay, that last one isn’t such a little thing. That’s a huge thing, but still most of those are little things, little ways of showing a caring spirit. Yes, it’s that caring spirit that impresses me so much about BJ.

Now, don’t think for a moment that I’ve gone all Pollyanna here. Believe me, I understand that BJ and I have more than a few obstacles in our way to being together such as living hundreds of miles apart, and being married to other people, as well as a few other odds and ends. And I understand that we met in a rather unconventional way by reading and commenting on one another’s blogs. And I understand that we spent our first two “dates” in a rather unconventional way since most people don’t spend the weekend in a hotel room together on their first OR second dates. And most of all I understand that I have spent my entire life being unconventional while trying to show the world how conventional I am. And I understand how soul-numbing it has been to try to squelch that unconventional side of me. I am NOT the good girl, never have been, never will be. The term “devil’s mistress” comes to mind. (Much thanks to BJ for bestowing me with that title, btw.)

I know there are some who would love the juicy details about what happens when BJ and I get together. Not gonna happen here folks, at least not right now. Maybe later, when we’ve been together a while and get the webcam set up in the bedroom and can charge you to watch us over the ‘net. Maybe then we will regale you with our adventures. For now, suffice it to say that we enjoy one another’s company. . . immensely.


Anonymous said...

You have started down a scary, exciting, fun, and dangerous road. I wish you all the best.

Cat said...

Details aren't necessary I am just happy to see things are going well for you...

Emily said...

I think you have said something really fundamental here about the liking.

I love my Big Dude and I know he loves me. But sometimes I think our relationship rests more on the friendship than on the romantic love side of things. I realize this may be partly because sex is usually not a big part of our lives together.

But with romantic love and passion, a lot of it is really half fantasy and hormones. They can wear off, and we can quickly grow disappointed and mentally depart long before we actually leave. But I find that because I have the BD filed mentally under 'best friend in the world', I am careful to treat him with respect. To show him how much I like him and enjoy his company. Even when I am pissed at him, I must grudgingly admit that he is still one of the very best people I know and that I like him a hell of a lot. It just makes a difference to how we interract.

Rae'sSecret said...

All the things you pointed out sound like honeymoon phase type things are rarely last. Enjoy it while you can.

Fiona said...

I agree totally with the loving and liking. I know what you mean!

I love unconventional - honey my first date with the guy I was involved with for two years, was us meeting at Los Angeles airport (me from Hong Kong, him from Virginia) and travelling to Maui together where we spent a week in a wonderful hotel. It's something to laugh about together I think.

As for honeymoon phase. Well yes, there is that, and that phase passes. But the really good relationships actually build on that instead of looking back at them being the best times. All times with a man you love can be the best times.

Instead I'd say you two seem to have a wonderful foundation to build upon - and I hope to see you still writing about the love you share in years to come.

trueself said...

fl & cat,
Thank you

Your comment is inspiring me to another post, one that will further expand on W as having become an angry old man, and how he changed from the man I knew and liked in the early years of our relationship. Coming soon to a blog near you. . .

Rae & Fiona,
To address the honeymoon phase, I'll just say that I have approached this with skepticism, waiting to find the chink in the armor. So far every time we've had a problem we've found ways to work through it, and not just starry-eyed oh-we're-in-love-we-can-overlook-it resolutions but real true serious resolutions to those problems. Do I think BJ is perfect? Nope. He's human. So am I. We're both old enough to have the wisdom not to expect the other to be perfect.

As to my laundry list of things that I like that BJ does:
*Like opening the car door for me.
Could be a honeymoon phase thing, and that's okay with me. I like that he thinks to do it even in the honeymoon phase.
*Like holding my hand when we walk together.
Maybe a honeymoon phase thing, maybe not. I see lots of little old couples holding hands as they walk around so I don't think this will necessarily go away, but if it does it isn't a deal breaker.
*Like looking me in the eye when I talk.
Damn well better not go away after the honeymoon phase. I can't stand people who won't look at me when I talk to them.
*Like just letting me cry when I need to cry.
I don't think this will go away. Either a guy is really uncomfortable with a woman crying and tries his best to do/say whatever it takes to get her to quit, or he can just let her have her moment. Fortunately, BJ is one who can just let me have my moment.
*Like being concerned enough about different preferences to want to work on an acceptable compromise rather than having an all or nothing attitude.
I think this is reflective of an attitude that is not part of a honeymoon phase. Some people are all or nothing people -- it's either my way or your way, one of us must win, one must lose. Others are collaborators, trying to find a solution in the middle that works for both people. BJ, thank God, is the second type not the first.

Will BJ and I be together forever? We hope so. We intend to be. But I'm realistic enough to know that there are no guarantees in this life. I'm just going to take it day by day, enjoying what we have, and knowing that if it is meant to be it will be, and if not, something will happen along the way to let me know that it must end.

BJ said...

Damn, you're awfully close to making me sound like a nice guy. Next thing you know you'll be calling me sweet or something. That's where I draw the line. ;-)

trueself said...

Nope, I won't be calling you sweet. Internet predators are never sweet. ;-)

freebird said...

Sorry, a bit late on this one. Just wanted to say I can empathise with so much here. "...I have spent my entire life being unconventional while trying to show the world how conventional I am."- Story of my life! Liking and loving... I hope those two elements stay with you both and get you past all those obstacles, through the honeymoon and out the other side to a happy 'real life' together.

trueself said...

It's a lifelong struggle for me, that unconventional/conventional thing. Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to just be me and say to hell with what others think. And then again maybe someday there will be peace in the Middle East too.