Thursday, October 12, 2006

Six Months

That's how long this blog has existed, just six short months. A lot has happened in those six months. Looking back, I realize why some readers felt that I was going at breakneck speed, and at times I have been. Yet during these six months I have experienced an enormous amount of self-discovery.

I've discovered that I am not repulsive.

I've discovered that my character isn't all that I want it to be, that I fall back on life strategies that are deeply rooted in my past, and it's taking some amount of effort to change to better strategies.

I've discovered that for years I have suppressed some very negative feelings about my marriage and my husband, and that I have only recently started to be honest with myself about just how bad things really are between us.

I've discovered that it is not good for N to be around an ever more angry and mean father. While there has been no physical violence, W has certainly been quite rude to N and much harsher than necessary. He has even done this in front of other people so there is no question that he thinks he's being perfectly reasonable.

I've discovered that while I perceive myself as weak, I am not in fact weak. I am strong when I choose to be, and I must choose to be strong more often than I have in the past.

I've discovered that I really have a lot of anger that I have to work through. I am very angry and have identified some of the root causes, but not all yet.

I've discovered that nobody will ever GIVE you respect. You must EARN others' respect. I am working to become a person who earns the respect of others.

Yes, it's been a hectic six months. I imagine the next six months will be almost as hard but maybe not quite as hectic. Whatever it brings I'll just keep blogging about it. And maybe I'll even make a few more discoveries along the way.

6 comments:

Rosie said...

I haven't been reading the entire time, but did read all the entries. You did seem to be moving at a hectic pace in the beginning, but that was the stage and state of your life at that point. It seems you have grown and are refective of all that has happened to you and happened to shape you. Having just had similar life experiences I wish you all the best. We all deserve to be happy, but do have to work for it.

Karin's Korner said...

Tomorrow is the big day :) you get to see BJ again. I remember the counting down before I got to see David again. It was really hard on us because he lived in Indiana and I lived in Wisconsin, that is a long road trip. But, I can say (with a smile) that we made it!! I still love waking up next to him and remembering that this is where I belong and this is where I will wake up for the rest of my life. Have a great time tomorrow and when it is time to leave, and you are feeling down, just remember (like I did)....you have to tie up loose ends, the end is the beginning and you will make it through....Big hug coming to ya!!

Emily said...

It is a wonderful thing to discover that you are much stronger than you thought!

BJ said...

I'll help you work through that anger. Just wait till tonight. ;-)

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trueself said...

bj,

Yes dear, I'm sure you will!

Cat said...

I haven't been reading but what I have read so far leads me to believe I have been missing out.