Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Anticipating the Holidays

Today is Halloween, the official start of the dreaded HOLIDAY SEASON. Yes, now that we're to Halloween, we've got Thanksgiving right around the corner, followed closely by Christmas with New Year's trailing not far behind.

Given the circumstances of separating from W and all that goes on with that, I am not necessarily looking forward to the holidays this year. I anticipate that it will be difficult to get through the "celebrations" as I wade through all the get togethers and parties and family functions getting to field the questions of "what happened?" and "have you tried counseling?" and "don't you think you could give him another chance?" and whatever else they can think of to ask to ensure that I feel maximum discomfort throughout.

It will also be the first time in 19 years that W and I will not be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It will be the first time we have to determine how to share time with N on these holidays. Or what if the separation papers aren't filed by Thanksgiving or filed just a few days before Thanksgiving? I guess then I get to go through the motions of having a happy family Thanksgiving with W as part of it.

Did you know that depression is a huge problem around the holidays? Well, this year I'm just going to exacerbate that problem for my family by ripping the family apart.

I have wondered if it would be better to hold off on this whole thing until the holidays are over. I rejected that notion out of hand, though, because the situation here continues to worsen. W is sullen, doesn't talk to me, is brusque at best with N. I realize that whatever conversation we ever did have was initiated by me. I kind of knew that, but it has become incredibly obvious now that I rarely open a conversation. Several times in the last week N has said things to me about things that W says and does that aren't right. I want to comfort him and tell him that I'm going to ask Daddy to leave, but I can't risk that he'll say something to W that will tip him off. That is a very real concern as N is well known for telling absolutely everything he knows, plus he will expect it to happen right now. So I just tell him that I'm working on making things better, but I can tell he doesn't believe it. I can tell that he thinks that things are just going to continue the way they are. It breaks my heart. As slowly as this process is unwinding, I'm truly trying to make things happen as quickly as possible. At this point, I don't think it can be quick enough for the peace of mind of any of us.

Nobody said life would be easy. Guess what folks? They're right.

7 comments:

BJ said...

I wish there was something I could do to make things easier. But I know you'll be much better off without having to live with an angry old man. He's made his own hell on earth.

trueself said...

BJ,
I know sweetie that you would do whatever you could to make it better. Short of whisking me away to Far Far Away, there's not much you can do but sit and wait and watch and pray that your breakup is easier than mine.
I have a feeling it's going to get turbulent before it gets better. So fasten your seat belt and put your tray table and seatback in it's upright and locked position.

freebird said...

Ahem... sorry to play gooseberry here... ;-)

This sounds awful and reminds me of a time long ago. As you know, I didn't have the guts to see it through. But your post reminded me that there never is a 'right time'. There's always Christmas coming up or someone's birthday or some other significant date in the calendar, and if you avoided all those you'd still be in the same time place this time next year. You've got each other standing by you (not to mention your blog friends) so if you're sure about this just grit your teeth, fix your eyes firmly in the future and may I be the first to wish you a Happy New Year! x

Emily said...

I understand that the holidays are the worst for divorcing people. So much celebration of family, so much compulsory contact with relatives - AACK!

trueself said...

FB,
You are right. There is never a good time to do this. There is always something just around the corner, and if you stay for one thing and then another and another it will never end. So timing be damned, I'm going for it.

Emily,
In some ways, I feel like the family gatherings over the holidays will be worse than actually telling W about the separation. At least he's been there and knows what our situation has looked like for so long. The people on the outside have only seen brief glimpses of the discord and mostly been presented with the "we're a happy family" picture of us. So our break up will seem out-of-the-blue to them, a sudden thing, not the long drawn out process that it has actually been.

Stinkypaw said...

There is never a right time to leave like there's never a right time to have kids (I'm told). In both cases if you wait for everything to be right, it will never happen.

I told my ex I was leaving 2 weeks before Christmas - trust me, that made out to be a "great" Christmas... But it felt so good, and was soooo worth it!

As for people asking you questions, it's none of their business unless their are living in the same house! Which they're not, so they DON'T know, therefore have no right to comment/ask, etc.

Be strong, you'll get through this, don't lose sight of the end result you want!

trueself said...

SP,
Yes, there is never a right time. I could wait until after the holidays, then after my birthday, his birthday, on and on it would go, and we could cycle through that year after year. Wouldn't be good for any of us.
Yes, it isn't their business, but I know my family. They will think it is their business, and they will think that I need their help to put things back together whether that's what I want or not. Or who knows? Maybe they'll surprise me and be all supportive and helpful. Yeah, right.
Staying strong, finally headed the right direction so don't want to turn back now.